Comment of the Week: Let’s Kill the Cow That Gave the Milk for Free

We know this comment appeared last week, but we are in such hearty agreement that we decided it deserved mentioning this week anyway. Amen, Madamoiselle L!

There is NOTHING I HATE as much as the STUPID, PATRIARCHAL, MISOGYNIST bullshit “analogy” “He won’t buy the cow if he can get the milk for free.” Those who use this “analogy” ASSume that women “give” sex and men “take.” They also assume that, for women, sex is only a commodity, a means of getting other things from a man. Not a means of mutual enjoyment. (I also suspect that people who use this analogy either do not know how to enjoy sex, and/or do not have much of it themselves. Otherwise, why get SO upset when other people are obviously having sex and enjoying it?)

NEWS FLASH, HEALTHY women enjoy sex as much as healthy men do. In good sex, BOTH partners “give” and “take” at the same time. Some refer to it as SHARING.

I call for a FULL MORATORIUM on the “Cow, milk, farmer, free” analogy for sex. It’s outdated, it’s misogynist, it’s….stupid. It isn’t even a good analogy. Can we do that?

Madamoiselle L, commenting on “Your Call: Trust Issues That Are 20 Years Old”

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14 Comments on "Comment of the Week: Let’s Kill the Cow That Gave the Milk for Free"

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Why buy the pig when all you want it a little sausage?

That made my grandma’s jaw drop. We haven’t discussed sex since.


Thank you, ML! Awesome point. There’s a great essay in Yes Means Yes called “Towards a Performance Model of Sex.” Not as in “I’ve gotta perform for my partner,” but moreso like sex as creative collaboration.

Madamoiselle L
E, right, I meant sex SHOULDN’T be a form of currency (unless one is a Sex Worker, which is fine, but in that aspect both the woman and person exchanging something FOR sex knows this in advance.) But, also, that is isn’t MEANT to be commodity in a relationship. I know some women and men still see what should be mutually enjoyable sex as such, but it isn’t healthy, and they are the ones trying to disrespect those of us who REFUSE to use sex as currency. How can *anyone* man or woman, think of sex as a commodity and… Read more »

Also, as an aside… most of the people I’ve heard say this are women giving advice to other women.


Eh, you mean, sex *shouldn’t* be a form of currency. For some people – if the stories are to be believed, a lot of people – it ends up being that.


Ma’amselle, you give the impression of being a wise woman who’s unafraid of speaking her mind. I LOVE it and you can put me down for a couple of steaks.

The Capricious Devotee

Amen! Well spoken. There is little I despise more than this analogy.