Comment of the Week: Virginity Has No Intrinsic Value

photo by Rafael Acorsi

Madamoiselle L wrote an impassioned 1000-word essay on “The Cult of Perfect Pure Virginity” in response to the discussion of the post “Wise Guys: What’s the Big Deal with Virgins?” Here’s an abridged version:

I think we are again putting value on something which has NO intrinsic value (“virginity”) and using the word “pure” in a dishonest and ridiculous manner.

The word “pure” means “clean and untainted” SEX does not “Taint” anyone, nor is is unclean. To think so IS to have one’s mind in the gutter, whether you consider yourself a “virgin” or not.

Really, in this day and age, in an age of Enlightenment, to STILL think sex is “dirty” or that one’s Princess Pure Virginity means anything to anyone is ridiculous.

I also think those who think this way have dirtier minds than those of us who have actually HAD sex, ARE having sex regularly and enjoying it, going by the comments and attitudes concerning the “impureness” of sex, (meaning it’s “dirty”) the “sanctity” of virginity and referring to a man who ISN’T a virgin as a “Debaucher.” WHO has the dirty mind? The Sexually Positive? Or those who bash Sex and those who ENJOY IT in all manners? (Ummmm, the answer is the latter.)

Does anyone with these attitudes actually THINK that the minute someone says some words over you, while you are wearing a white dress your sick attitudes that sex is dirty and ugly will just fade away? They won’t.

I know of a number of women and a few men (one of them my own mother) who had such attitudes towards sex, and “waited” until marriage (or at least said they did.) Well, they felt the SAME WAY about sex AFTER the vows were taken, sex was a horrible chore for these women, they resented their husbands for “wanting it all the time” they NEVER enjoyed it, and their sick, virgin-centric attitudes DESTROYED their marriages, all of which STARTED, by the way, with “pureness.”

The MEN who thought this way began to think of women in a “Madonna-Whore” dicotomy, if their wives were “Madonnas” they weren’t meant to have sex with, SO WHERE do you think guys like this GET sex, while married? Not their wives. With other women. Men who have Madonna Whore complexes WILL cheat, and honey, if you marry one, thinking he will “respect” you after the wedding night, he either WILL and stop having sex with you and have sex ONLY with other women, OR he won’t respect you (even though there was a marriage) and you enter the “Whore” part of the complex, which probably will make a man like this cheat on you still. Good luck with these guys.

As for these women with their Virgin Worship: Their ideation of sex as dirty did NOT go away after the words were said, the marriage ceremony performed and the wedding night was over, and they NEVER enjoyed sex, and even as older women still think sex is dirty, disgusting and something “men take” from women and women “Give” to get other things. ALL of them ruined their marriages with these attitudes, and were left alone…….and their men cheated…….

Maybe they still feel their “pureness” was worth it. I don’t.

IF you feel sex is still “dirty” by the time you are 17 or 19, IMO, you need THERAPY, not to continue to “wait for the perfect man” because, sweet things, sex will still be “dirty” in your eyes, even when HE wants it AFTER you are married. And if HE thinks “only dirty girls want sex” HOW will that change after marriage? It won’t. So, you either become the Madonna, and he cheats for sex, or the Whore, and he hates you for actually “letting him” have sex with you. Sick? YES! It won’t be what these “perfect virgins waiting for a knight on a white horse” think. They will be miserable, lonely, and cheated on.

A ceremony changes NOTHING if your attitudes toward sex are unhealthy.

Get your self healthy and emotionally ready for an adult relationship with a man (which INCLUDES SEX) BEFORE you take your vows, otherwise your marriage will be misery. I’ve seen women like this fail at marriage too many times to believe your lack of experience will help you in ANY WAY!

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13 Comments on "Comment of the Week: Virginity Has No Intrinsic Value"

Madamoiselle L
5 years 3 months ago

Diane, a agree with you, that sex during marriage can be wonderful and exciting and really really fun and you may feel free to explore “Taboos” which you may not have before. I’m married, for several decades, to the man who popped my cherry (we had an Open Relationship for several years before we married, because I was young and needed experience, I didn’t want either one of us to wake up one morning at 35 and think, “OMG, what are other people like? What did I miss?” (although he had much more experience beforehand than I did.) He wanted to sow some more wild oats before settling down, too.)

My only question is pertaining to your comment, “The advantage of waiting for marriage is, ideally, you don’t break up and potentially have all of your most intimate secrets shared with society.” end quote. Diane, 50% of marriages end in divorce. From what I have seen, bad divorces tend to end up in more “secret sharing” (whatever that means) and other soul cutting nastiness than a dating relationship where the decision to break up was mutual. And, it’s often those who think, “I’d never get divorced” who get surprised by it. (My own mother was a vicious anti-divorce proponent, thought only the most “evil and selfish” people did it, waited until her wedding night for sex……and she and my dad broke up. Both of them with NO experience on how to date, both sexually immature etc. Nobody can say, “It won’t happen to me.” Also, whose to say that married people don’t reveal “intimate secrets” to others? I know a number who do. It really isn’t a good argument for waiting until your wedding night, and marriage is NO guarantee that your man isn’t going “to talk.” (And honestly, I can see much meaner things people do to each other than talk about their sex lives with others……)

lauren, I don’t understand your comment, “sex isn’t not supposed to be for enjoyment like a hobby Its supposed to be making babies” Huh? Isn’t not? Do you mean it is for enjoyment, or it’s ONLY for making babies? What if you can’t have babies? What if you have enough babies and can’t afford any more? What if you don’t want babies? What if you are too old to have babies? Are you not supposed to have sex? I am not sure what your point was.

IMO, sex is a very nice hobby. :)

5 years 3 months ago

To me I see sex as enjoyment, and I’m waiting til marriage, sex isn’t not supposed to be for enjoyment like a hobby Its supposed to be making babies, sex is so much out in the world . But I learn to Adapt to It , my Friend told me I have moral issues because I don’t want to have sex before marriage..

5 years 3 months ago

The only value is to the individual or possibly a partner. Beyond that societal and religious concerns/beliefs/acceptance have improved. The RCC, Monarchs, Nobility, Various Clergy and a few others will continue to loose members, followers,parishioners and suitable candidates over this issue. No entity has the right in our current or future society to require this of anyone. It holds no relevance or justification. It only holds the fact of an experience (this primarily in the case of a man and a woman physically). And if you dispute this. The point is proven. It does not matter. That is a belief. Virgins are no longer sacrificed. Future Kings don’t have to be Virgins. But, Queens did. Purity. I’d rather a women having experienced this in life before ascending her position. It was only about the Female. It is/was so stupid No one can prove you will be sent to purgatory or even hell. Or any other claim deemed a negative for loosing their Virginity.

5 years 4 months ago


No one (respectful) is going to call you archaic and misinformed for the “sanctity” thing. If you believe in a God who’s laid out the rules, you’d best follow them. It’s not what I believe, but hey… to each his/her own. In fact, I only respect people who say they’re religious if they actually follow the rules.

“Respect for myself & husband,” STD paranoia, and anxiety over comparison to past partners, on the other hand… THOSE are the things that’ll get you called archaic and misinformed!

5 years 4 months ago

For me, married sex is amazing! But I was not a virgin when I got married. But my husband is the only one. And I am his only one. And I love it!
I agree with Katie. You need to be ready for sex. Even though I was 19 when I first had sex and thought I was ‘ready’, I quickly realized I was not.
I was a proponent of ‘no sex before marriage’ and when I went against my beliefs I had anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. I was not happy in my relationship until we decided to get married and was shy about sex even after the marriage (I did not really feel comfortable about sex until after my first child was born). He never made me feel uncomfortable, never forced me even in the middle, and was respectful to my body.
Two kids and 14 years later, we are still exploring sex and each other. We talk about fantasies and gently ease into them.
The advantage of waiting for marriage is, ideally, you don’t break up and potentially have all of your most intimate secrets shared with society.
I have a 6 year old girl that I think will be ready for sex way before I was. I am hoping to give her the real world aspect of it and hope she will make the right and safe choice for her.
Lastly, I can not emphasize the importance of sex in a marriage. It unifies you with your spouse and yourself, it lets you laugh about things that may be taboo and do things that may seem taboo. Plus, it feels great!