Comment of the Week: Virginity Has No Intrinsic Value

photo by Rafael Acorsi

Madamoiselle L wrote an impassioned 1000-word essay on “The Cult of Perfect Pure Virginity” in response to the discussion of the post “Wise Guys: What’s the Big Deal with Virgins?” Here’s an abridged version:

I think we are again putting value on something which has NO intrinsic value (“virginity”) and using the word “pure” in a dishonest and ridiculous manner.

The word “pure” means “clean and untainted” SEX does not “Taint” anyone, nor is is unclean. To think so IS to have one’s mind in the gutter, whether you consider yourself a “virgin” or not.

Really, in this day and age, in an age of Enlightenment, to STILL think sex is “dirty” or that one’s Princess Pure Virginity means anything to anyone is ridiculous.

I also think those who think this way have dirtier minds than those of us who have actually HAD sex, ARE having sex regularly and enjoying it, going by the comments and attitudes concerning the “impureness” of sex, (meaning it’s “dirty”) the “sanctity” of virginity and referring to a man who ISN’T a virgin as a “Debaucher.” WHO has the dirty mind? The Sexually Positive? Or those who bash Sex and those who ENJOY IT in all manners? (Ummmm, the answer is the latter.)

Does anyone with these attitudes actually THINK that the minute someone says some words over you, while you are wearing a white dress your sick attitudes that sex is dirty and ugly will just fade away? They won’t.

I know of a number of women and a few men (one of them my own mother) who had such attitudes towards sex, and “waited” until marriage (or at least said they did.) Well, they felt the SAME WAY about sex AFTER the vows were taken, sex was a horrible chore for these women, they resented their husbands for “wanting it all the time” they NEVER enjoyed it, and their sick, virgin-centric attitudes DESTROYED their marriages, all of which STARTED, by the way, with “pureness.”

The MEN who thought this way began to think of women in a “Madonna-Whore” dicotomy, if their wives were “Madonnas” they weren’t meant to have sex with, SO WHERE do you think guys like this GET sex, while married? Not their wives. With other women. Men who have Madonna Whore complexes WILL cheat, and honey, if you marry one, thinking he will “respect” you after the wedding night, he either WILL and stop having sex with you and have sex ONLY with other women, OR he won’t respect you (even though there was a marriage) and you enter the “Whore” part of the complex, which probably will make a man like this cheat on you still. Good luck with these guys.

As for these women with their Virgin Worship: Their ideation of sex as dirty did NOT go away after the words were said, the marriage ceremony performed and the wedding night was over, and they NEVER enjoyed sex, and even as older women still think sex is dirty, disgusting and something “men take” from women and women “Give” to get other things. ALL of them ruined their marriages with these attitudes, and were left alone…….and their men cheated…….

Maybe they still feel their “pureness” was worth it. I don’t.

IF you feel sex is still “dirty” by the time you are 17 or 19, IMO, you need THERAPY, not to continue to “wait for the perfect man” because, sweet things, sex will still be “dirty” in your eyes, even when HE wants it AFTER you are married. And if HE thinks “only dirty girls want sex” HOW will that change after marriage? It won’t. So, you either become the Madonna, and he cheats for sex, or the Whore, and he hates you for actually “letting him” have sex with you. Sick? YES! It won’t be what these “perfect virgins waiting for a knight on a white horse” think. They will be miserable, lonely, and cheated on.

A ceremony changes NOTHING if your attitudes toward sex are unhealthy.

Get your self healthy and emotionally ready for an adult relationship with a man (which INCLUDES SEX) BEFORE you take your vows, otherwise your marriage will be misery. I’ve seen women like this fail at marriage too many times to believe your lack of experience will help you in ANY WAY!

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13 Comments on "Comment of the Week: Virginity Has No Intrinsic Value"

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Madamoiselle L
Diane, a agree with you, that sex during marriage can be wonderful and exciting and really really fun and you may feel free to explore “Taboos” which you may not have before. I’m married, for several decades, to the man who popped my cherry (we had an Open Relationship for several years before we married, because I was young and needed experience, I didn’t want either one of us to wake up one morning at 35 and think, “OMG, what are other people like? What did I miss?” (although he had much more experience beforehand than I did.) He wanted… Read more »

To me I see sex as enjoyment, and I’m waiting til marriage, sex isn’t not supposed to be for enjoyment like a hobby Its supposed to be making babies, sex is so much out in the world . But I learn to Adapt to It , my Friend told me I have moral issues because I don’t want to have sex before marriage..

The only value is to the individual or possibly a partner. Beyond that societal and religious concerns/beliefs/acceptance have improved. The RCC, Monarchs, Nobility, Various Clergy and a few others will continue to loose members, followers,parishioners and suitable candidates over this issue. No entity has the right in our current or future society to require this of anyone. It holds no relevance or justification. It only holds the fact of an experience (this primarily in the case of a man and a woman physically). And if you dispute this. The point is proven. It does not matter. That is a belief.… Read more »


No one (respectful) is going to call you archaic and misinformed for the “sanctity” thing. If you believe in a God who’s laid out the rules, you’d best follow them. It’s not what I believe, but hey… to each his/her own. In fact, I only respect people who say they’re religious if they actually follow the rules.

“Respect for myself & husband,” STD paranoia, and anxiety over comparison to past partners, on the other hand… THOSE are the things that’ll get you called archaic and misinformed!

For me, married sex is amazing! But I was not a virgin when I got married. But my husband is the only one. And I am his only one. And I love it! I agree with Katie. You need to be ready for sex. Even though I was 19 when I first had sex and thought I was ‘ready’, I quickly realized I was not. I was a proponent of ‘no sex before marriage’ and when I went against my beliefs I had anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. I was not happy in my relationship until we… Read more »

To Rachel: why do you feel that having sex before marriage would be a disrespect to yourself? Sorry if that’s too personal of a question (though we are on Em & Lo…), but I have never really understood that point of view.

Disclaimer: not trying to challenge you; honestly curious! I’ve seen people get real defensive on comment threads and I wanted to head it off 🙂

I have chosn to wait until marriage to have sex out of respect for myself and my future husband. In no way do I feel as if sex is a dirty thing, I never have. Nor do I believe “the suffering,” as you called it, will make it better. I’m still trying to figure out why you think people who have similar beliefs to me are suffering. I just believe sex is something that should happen only in the sanctity of marriage. Yes, I said sanctity of marriage. Thus ensuing a whirlwind of comments calling me archaic and misinformed. My… Read more »