Comments of the week don’t necessarily reflect our personal opinions — sometimes it’s simply a thoughtful response that we think merits further discussion. This week, in response to the post “Wise Guys: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?” reader William says this:
Why would you want to have sex on the first date if you are looking for a LTR? If you want sex; own up to it and don’t say you are looking for a LTR. The message it sends is totally wrong for a LTR. Would you not wonder if the other party is having sex on other first dates that they go on? There is no way to know how much you are really going to like a person until you have had a chance to spend some time with them and learn about them.
I personally think for a relationship to work you need to find out if they share your core values. Ultimately do they want to get married? Do they like kids and want kids? If you are going to be a couple, will they give up their personal privacy if that is what you want?
New acquaintances can seem very intriguing but that feeling can also fade very quickly once you start learning more about a person. If you are TRULY looking for LTR … don’t rush to have sex … as the feelings sex will generate will most likely convolute how you truly like the person … and you will be left feeling hurt when ultimately the relationship does not work out.
Totally disagree. Why are wanting sex and wanting a LTR mutually exclusive?? It’s totally arbitrary. It’s like saying, don’t eat dinner with someone if you’re looking for a LTR; only eat lunch with them until you are sure it’s serious, because people in LTR’s have dinner together a lot. I like dinner. I like having dinner with people that I like. If I don’t like someone anymore, I will stop having dinner with him. If I am in a LTR I will have dinner with my partner most evenings.
If YOU develop false feelings after having sex, then by all means make decisions with that in mind. Please do not presume to know MY feelings.
I actually agree with you Evan and you have convinced me…almost. Yes you are right about sexual gender roles, however, they are a social construct and therefore a reality in our society, at least for now. Unfortunately, not all men are as enlightened as you. However, I think William’s view is also a valid one. Why would you want to be intimate with someone you do not know? I also agree that sex can cloud your view of this person and this is unfortunately truer for women than men. Both men and woman release oxytocin, a hormone which produces feelings of attachment, during sexual contact, however, women produce much more of this hormone than men and so are more prone to greater feelings of attachment. We have to look at the biological imperative here, not just the social one. The prime motivator for a man is to spread his seed, however, for a woman it is to produce children. Yes we can use contraception, and trick ourselves into thinking we can sleep around like men without getting hurt but we have all these biological and social processes working against us. I would simply rather wait a few dates than risk getting hurt by someone who did not care about my feelings.
This is different for everybody. For some people sex enhances emotional attachment, for others it doesn’t.
I usually don’t have sex with people I am actually interested in, because the moment we’ve had sex I feel like I’ve won and I lose all interest, because they were too “easy”.
Horrible, yeah I’m sorry! But if I do get to know the person and fall in love I cannot wait for the sex to start. And I will even cuddle afterwards and enjoy it 🙂
I agree with you Evan but I also think William has a point at the end of his comment. I find that there can be a huge contrast between the way I feel about a guy before and after sex. Even if I don’t reeeally like the guy, I get super emo and I guess you could say that my vag starts clinging to the person haha. So yes, if you wanna protect yourself, don’t jump into the sack first thing. Sounds boring though, no guarantees in this love game unfortunately!
Gotta disagree. Yeah, there are guys who won’t respect you if you put out (note that it’s always guys who don’t respect the woman; men are never stigmatized for being too easy). Want to know the truth? Those guys never respected you in the first place.
Be true to yourself. If you feel it, if it feels right to you, go for it. If it’s not you, if you need more time, don’t get pressured into it, either by your prospective partner or your own libido – men or women. But please, for god’s sake, don’t listen to the sex-negative BS about how women need to be the gatekeepers and men are expected to want it all the time. It is nothing more than destructive myth. You and your date are (presumably) two independent and autonomous adults who can choose to accept (or not) the risks and benefits of sex knowingly and freely – and that’s all anyone can ask for.