11 Comments

1. It is extremely rare for me to turn down a female partner’s request for sex, and only when I’m suffering such a bad migraine that the necessary motion is not possible. Otherwise, just say the word and I’ll be raring to go in no time.

2. Annie, thanks for this: “If, however, you have never made love to a woman without expecting your own cookie in return, then part of what you are experiencing might be the woman’s frustration that she’s pleasured you when she wasn’t in the mood, but that you won’t return the favor.”

   My perspective on this tends to be from a “let’s break down gender role ridiculousness” place, as well as, like you said, “sex doesn’t begin with his erect penis and end with his orgasm and isn’t defined by penis-in-vagina sex with a photo finish”.

   I’m grateful to be reminded (by the first passage of yours I quoted) that the patterns of giving to one’s partner can be lopsided and this can the main reason for frustrations when the recipient of most of the giving is not returning the favor.

3. No you’re not the only one.
   I’d say the ‘not today line’ is worst for couples who don’t cuddle much. If the only loving body contact is sex, than of course a rejection will be taken personally.

4. Am I the only female who has made a move been told “Not now, I’m too tired” and then just shrugged said okay then left to go to work?

   He literally ran to me after I got home too, in order to apologize for turning me down. It hadn’t occurred to me to feel upset about it until he started to lament the lack of morning sex he had turned down.

5. In general, I agree women take rejection worse than men. We expect men to be “always ready”, take it personally when they can’t perform/aren’t interested, and make cruel, emasculating comments when the man doesn’t explain to our satisfaction. There is a reason for that old expression about a “woman scorned”. It’s true. While we man not be as physically violent as men, when it comes to verbal take-downs of our lovers, I do think we are far worse than men.

   And I don’t think this is just American culture….I’ve seen such behavior out of my “sexually liberated” friends from some of the more libertine European countries.

   But there is a very important caveat. Many (if not most) women who aren’t in the mood will still have some form of sexual contact with their lover even if they would just rather sleep. Women will give a hand job, blow job, or just be a passive recipient while the man does all the work. It’s just easier than explaining you really aren’t sexually revved up and *potentially* less harmful to the relationship (depends on the man and his ego). It’s also part of being a giving lover. Plus there are plenty of products (e.g., really good lube) that allow women who aren’t aroused to still have sexual intercourse. For men, if they aren’t aroused, the game is different. Yes, there is Viagra, but that’s a very different “sex aid” than a good lube is. Plus, far too often, our culture defines sex as penis-in-vagina intercourse. It’s ludicrous that this is so, but I do think it’s there. (e.g., “Technical virgins”, “I did not have sex with that woman”, etc.)

   Aside from my very skilled and very considerate husband, I have never had a man make love to me without also himself having an orgasm or at least trying to have one. (That’s not lack of experience or bad luck, b/c I’ve had enough men from enough diverse cultures to know that it’s not limited to American men and my European friends make the same complaints). Part of the reason I married my husband is that he gets that sex doesn’t begin with his erect penis and end with his orgasm and isn’t defined by penis-in-vagina sex with a photo finish.

   So, to the guys like Johnny, if you fall into the category of men like my husband who will give a woman sexual pleasure without ever taking any direct pleasure for yourself, then, yes, you are being really, really wronged by a woman who acts like a petulant child when rejected. Any woman who acts like that doesn’t deserve a patient, considerate lover.

   If, however, you have never made love to a woman without expecting your own cookie in return, then part of what you are experiencing might be the woman’s frustration that she’s pleasured you when she wasn’t in the mood, but that you won’t return the favor.

   There’s a difference between not being in the mood for your own erection/orgasm and being so out of the mood that the thought of any sex whatsoever is just out of the question. If it is the latter, be honest with the reason. If she can’t accept it, DTMA and get a woman who deserves you. If it is more that you aren’t in the mood to come, but are neutral otherwise, then by all means, be a kind lover and pleasure her. You might want to try saying that you aren’t in the mood yourself, but you’d be glad to hold her while she masturbates. Or, if you are really selfless, go down on her. Or f her with your fingers.

   Part of being a good lover is applying the same rules to both parties. (Or more, if you are poly). If you expect a woman to give you a blow job or a quickie where she doesn’t take any pleasure beyond pleasuring you, then you have to reciprocate and give her pleasure when the only pleasure you take is in the giving. If you are already that kind of man, then I hope you find a woman who deserves you b/c you are too good to be with a woman who doesn’t appreciate you.

6. As I said in the other thread, My Man doesn’t refuse often, but when he does I DO take it personally, UNLESS he tells me why. Mostly because he didn’t SAY why he “rejected me.” Then I pout and start to cry, and he gets upset, and it would have been easier if he had just said SOMETHING to let me know why.

   I would NEVER bring up an other man I had been with to him. (Although once in a fit of Peri-menopausal rage, I did tell him I would “just get it somewhere else” and I regretted it IMMEDIATELY! I would never do that, ever, and he knows it. People sometime say less than nice things when their feelings are hurt. Or when they are having a stupid argument. But, that was a mistake on my part, and I apologized and won’t do it again.)

   For the most part our drives are pretty well matched, when we were younger and the kids were babies, I would turn him down (more often than I probably should have, but damn, I was sleeping no more than 3 hours a night in 40 minute shifts, leaking milk all over the place, and “stuff” hadn’t gone back to where it used to be before I was pregnant, and UG, sex?) and HE would pout and once said HE would “get it elsewhere.” We’re both fiery people, and both of us tend to take our fighting seriously and do it with gusto. We both also recover remarkably well and quickly.

   This last time, with me crying and him pretending NOT to understand why, he finally, admitted he had some kind of Jock Itch/Yeast Infection thing, and was in real pain! WHY he couldn’t have said that 2 days earlier, while I felt unwanted and stewed and pouted, and cried until he finally told me, I don’t know. He says, “I didn’t think I had to say anything. I thought you knew.” WTF? Men…..What? I’m psychic now?

7. Quite true- there are many times when I am glad that I’m not male, and that is one of them. As females we’re raised to believe that men are always ready for sex, and it’s difficult not to take it personally until you grow up a bit. And once you’ve learned that and accepted it, then you’re faced with the male sexual slump after they hit their mid-30s, and then you’d better learn not to take it personally or you’re going to be a pretty unhappy camper. Men have as much right to say no as women do, and we need to learn that it’s not always about us.

8. I agree totally, it leaves me feeling inadequate and ugly if I am rejected in bed.

   I’m sure this all stems back to when I was in an abusive relationship with a previous boyfriend.

   He would delight in telling me how bad I was in bed and it hurt.

   I’ve since found a wonderful partner who loves me very much and understands my little vulnerabilities.

9. Yepppp. Definitely true!
   ‘ExC– USE me?! What do you mean you don’t want to ravish my goddess-like body?!’
   haha Just kiddin.
   My (amazing) boyfriend does actually make fun of me sometimes as I kinda have a rather high-powered libido. (All in good humor of course…)
   Though I will admit that at times it does feel like I’m being rejected as a person. That’s the ‘woman’ part of me that over-thinks things… I find it incredibly difficult at times to simply take things at face value and not read too much into it when I’m told that he’s just not in the mood.

10. This is very true. I will not threaten to cheat or mention other people to my partner, but I will not be a happy camper.

11. I’m a woman and have to say this is totally spot on.

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