11/27/13
Comment of the Week: You Don’t Have to Accept His Porn Habit

photo via flickr

Reader Kendra said the following in response to our post, “Comment of the Week: How to Get Past His Porn Habit.”  We have to admit to a little mea culpa upon reading this. Yes, we do tend to tell female readers to find a way to compromise when it comes to their male partners’ porn habit, and perhaps that’s not always the best answer. Anyway, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, we’re posting one reader’s very different take on the issue here, just to prove that you don’t have to kiss our asses in order to get featured here!

Why is no porn not an option on this list, which was created for someone who is not exactly in favor of porn. I find this to be very un-feminist and quite frankly, totally male-dominated advice. Basically, you’re telling the person who’s uncofomfortable with porn use to force themselves to become okay with it. Tell him to “cover his tracks?!” So, hide it and pretend the problem does not exist? Yep, that’ll make for a great relationship. And when he’s out screwin’ someone else, just make sure he covers his tracks well there, too, right?

Why was “if you’re uncomfortable with it, you DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT” not an option on the list? That should’ve been first on the list. Nobody should have to make themselves deal with something that hurts them. Nobody should. It’s not okay.

How about some better advice: Don’t put up with it! Know that you are better than that and that you’re better than being second best or even having to share! IMO, it’s either all me and only me (because I’ve realized that I’m that good. I’m worthy and I’m plenty good enough) or no me at all. I don’t do sharing. Some people can stifle the porn pain, others cannot, but advice should include options to not put up with it if you are very, very upset with it.

It makes you feel badly? You told the reader that it was THEIR problem to deal with!? Noooo! That is terrible advice. In a relationship, problems are BOTH parties’ problems to “deal with.”

If you don’t like pornography, you can ask your partner to figure out which is more important — you or porn. If he chooses you, fabulous! If not, there are plenty out there who do not need pornography to be turned on.

Plus, why should anyone be told to put up with second best or sharing when there’s a big possibility they could have what they really, really want — to be their partner’s ONLY? Yes, there are plenty of men out there who love their partner enough not to have desires for other’s.

Take it or leave it, but NEVER settle like this awful advice says for you to.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

Say Something

10 Comments on "Comment of the Week: You Don’t Have to Accept His Porn Habit"

avatar

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Liela
Liela
1 year 1 month ago
I’ve been doing some googling trying to get some more insight on this “porn issue” and that got me here.. Obviously the friction going on here got my attention.. I am 32 year old female and recently started seeing this guy and after sharing a secret with him he shared one back and told me he is addicted to pornography. I’m fairly open-minded – not quite sure how many hours a week he spends watching it and what type he prefers.. But I will prob find out tonight.. How do I feel about men watching it.. Well that is what… Read more »
kim
kim
1 year 5 months ago
I AGREE COMPLETELY with Kendra. I am so glad that she wrote that. It’s no different than distinguishing if you want to be with someone who smokes or takes drugs or has some other habit you don’t like. Everyone has a right to how they prefer to live their life. Don’t intimidate someone into thinking there’s something wrong with them for not liking porn. There are many very legitimate reasons for not liking porn and no one should feel badly for feeling that way. I agree and I’ve decided that I’d rather be alone than with someone who’s into porn… Read more »
tiff
tiff
1 year 9 months ago
Would every body stop using the 50 shades of grey reference. It doesnt go ttogether. The difference is, women are reading and making up pictures in their mind. Were not actually seeing anyone. Guys are! Ive been told by my SO that i need to accept his porn viewing byt its wrong for me to masterbate. Wtf?! Hows that fair! He says because its my body and im not saving it for him. Well its his eyes and hes not saving it for me. Soooo. Heres how i view this whole thing. I feel if in actual real daily life… Read more »
Johnny
Johnny
2 years 5 months ago
^ I’ve never really been with a woman who busts balls over porn. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had has just kind of rolled her eyes and laughed it off. It’s a congruence thing. If you present yourself as a sexually voracious guy from the start, she’ll leave you alone about it. If you present yourself as a tip-toeing weenie who’s ashamed of his sex drive and embarrassed of his porn, she’ll sink her teeth in and you’ll never hear the end of it. … of course, presenting yourself as a sexually voracious guy means that you’re at the ready when… Read more »
sublithium
2 years 5 months ago
Telling a man that he isn’t allowed to look at porn anymore is pretty childish. Men are visual creatures. Women get all hot and bothered reading a book like “Fifty Shades of Grey,” because that more interesting to there wiring, while men would rather look at pics of women in bondage. Reading that book is acceptable for housewives to do, but somehow looking at a porn site or magazine is wrong for a guy? Seriously it is the same thing! Embrace the porn! If anything enquire a bit to what your dude is looking at and get an idea of… Read more »
Nikki
Nikki
2 years 6 months ago

I meant to say “his porn” not “your porn.” But I’m sure you get the gist.

Nikki
Nikki
2 years 6 months ago
Johnny is right – most men watch porn. Some more or less than others, but they pretty much all do it. And asking a guy who enjoys porn to give it up for the sake of the relationship is asking him to lie to you about his porn consumption and hide it. Then, if you discover his fib, you feel betrayed. Nor to you have to “force yourself to become okay with your porn.” I had a boyfriend whose particular taste in porn was something I found really off-putting. But I didn’t tell him to give it up – we… Read more »
wpDiscuz