Comments for Em & Lo: Sex. Love. And Everything in Between. http://www.emandlo.com Your daily dose of advice, news, and stories about sex, love, and other important stuff. No yoga mat required. Thu, 28 Aug 2014 03:59:16 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Comment on Dear Dr. Kate: Can You Tell Me All About the NuvaRing? by Terrell http://www.emandlo.com/2009/02/dear-dr-kate-can-you-tell-me-all-about-the-nuvaring/comment-page-6/#comment-74235 Terrell Thu, 28 Aug 2014 03:59:16 +0000 http://www.emandlo.com/?p=992#comment-74235 I read a lot of interesting articles here. Probably you spend a lot of time writing, i know how to save you a lot of work, there is an online tool that creates readable, SEO friendly posts in seconds, just search in google - laranitas free content source I read a lot of interesting articles here. Probably you spend a lot of time writing, i know how to save you a lot of work, there is an online tool that creates readable, SEO friendly
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Comment on Your Call: Should My Fiance Throw Out Memorabilia of His Ex? by Ralphie http://www.emandlo.com/2014/08/your-call-should-my-fiance-throw-out-memorabilia-of-his-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-74233 Ralphie Wed, 27 Aug 2014 15:26:32 +0000 http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29843#comment-74233 I agree with Johnny. It is reasonable for him to keep his memories, but you shouldn't have to encounter them. How he stores this material really depends on the extent of your relationship with him. If the two of you are living together, it would be appropriate for him to stash the material away in a box (not necessarily hermetically sealed) in the back of his closet. If you have not been together that long, him having the material in his desk draw is not unreasonable. Everyone has some type of a past. He is not wasting his time pining for his; there is nothing wrong with holding on to old memorabilia. I agree with Johnny. It is reasonable for him to keep his memories, but you shouldn’t have to encounter them. How he stores this material really depends on the extent of your relationship with him. If the two of you are living together, it would be appropriate for him to stash the material away in a box (not necessarily hermetically sealed) in the back of his closet. If you have not been together that long, him having the material in his desk draw is not unreasonable. Everyone has some type of a past. He is not wasting his time pining for his; there is nothing wrong with holding on to old memorabilia.

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Comment on Your Call: Is Intellectual Inequality a Deal Breaker? by henry http://www.emandlo.com/2014/08/your-call-should-she-stick-it-out-or-cut-run/comment-page-1/#comment-74225 henry Tue, 26 Aug 2014 19:33:04 +0000 http://www.emandlo.com/?p=25449#comment-74225 I've been married 14 years. I've always thought my non-college educated woman a bit "simple." Recently though, she explained some things about the work she does in such an eloquent way that I realized that perhaps I was all along judging her on my experiences and priorities, not hers. I’ve been married 14 years. I’ve always thought my non-college educated woman a bit “simple.” Recently though, she explained some things about the work she does in such an eloquent way that I realized that perhaps I was all along judging her on my experiences and priorities, not hers.

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Comment on Why You Should Lie When He Asks About His Penis Size by Nikki http://www.emandlo.com/2014/08/if-he-asks-about-his-size-should-you-tell-him-the-truth/comment-page-1/#comment-74223 Nikki Tue, 26 Aug 2014 17:08:22 +0000 http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29852#comment-74223 Follow up piece: "Why You Should Never Ask Your Partner If Your Penis Is Good Enough" - because of the above conundrum. Also, fielding that question is a huge turn-off. Follow up piece: “Why You Should Never Ask Your Partner If Your Penis Is Good Enough” – because of the above conundrum. Also, fielding that question is a huge turn-off.

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Comment on Your Call: Should My Fiance Throw Out Memorabilia of His Ex? by Johnny http://www.emandlo.com/2014/08/your-call-should-my-fiance-throw-out-memorabilia-of-his-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-74221 Johnny Tue, 26 Aug 2014 13:49:25 +0000 http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29843#comment-74221 Tell him you'd appreciate it if he stuck all that stuff somewhere that you're guaranteed never to see it. Taped-up box in the attic, top shelf of his personal closet, whatever. I agree with him that you shouldn't tell hom to throw his stuff out, but I agree with you that it shouldn't be lying around like little jealousy booby-traps. That's the fairest compromise. PS are you "opening" us, here? Because this situation is literally straight out of the pickup artist's handbook of conversation starters. It is known as the "jealous girlfriend routine." Tell him you’d appreciate it if he stuck all that stuff somewhere that you’re guaranteed never to see it. Taped-up box in the attic, top shelf of his personal closet, whatever. I agree with him that you shouldn’t tell hom to throw his stuff out, but I agree with you that it shouldn’t be lying around like little jealousy booby-traps. That’s the fairest compromise.

PS are you “opening” us, here? Because this situation is literally straight out of the pickup artist’s handbook of conversation starters. It is known as the “jealous girlfriend routine.”

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Comment on Dream Interpretation: Why Am I Obsessed with My Ex? by Demi http://www.emandlo.com/2010/01/dream-interpretation-why-am-i-obsessed-with-my-messy-past-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-74175 Demi Thu, 21 Aug 2014 12:48:40 +0000 http://www.emandlo.com/?p=7910#comment-74175 What do you do if your dream is reversed? I have a recurring dream (though I don't know how often I dream it) where my ex watches me run past him and becomes obsessed with me and this one guy who is close to me. I spend most of the dream running away from him and making sure that my guy-friend (most times it's someone I have a connection with and am in love with) does not cross paths with my ex as my ex wants to kill him. At the same time, I don't tell my guy-friend and although my friends know, they don't interfere and just warn me that he's on some psychotic warpath to force me back. What do you do if your dream is reversed? I have a recurring dream (though I don’t know how often I dream it) where my ex watches me run past him and becomes obsessed with me and this one guy who is close to me. I spend most of the dream running away from him and making sure that my guy-friend (most times it’s someone I have a connection with and am in love with) does not cross paths with my ex as my ex wants to kill him. At the same time, I don’t tell my guy-friend and although my friends know, they don’t interfere and just warn me that he’s on some psychotic warpath to force me back.

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Comment on How to Have Phone Sex in 10 Easy Steps by Michael http://www.emandlo.com/2010/05/how-to-have-phone-sex/comment-page-1/#comment-74167 Michael Wed, 20 Aug 2014 20:59:38 +0000 http://www.emandlo.com/?p=10116#comment-74167 I must say, this is an awesome guide. I own a website on the subject and I've been using phone sex services for many years now so you can trust my opinion. :) I must say, this is an awesome guide.

I own a website on the subject and I’ve been using phone sex services for many years now so you can trust my opinion. :)

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Comment on 10 Steps to Orgasming Without a Vibrator by Old one? http://www.emandlo.com/2010/03/dear-em-lo-can-i-learn-to-orgasm-without-my-vibrator/comment-page-1/#comment-74162 Old one? Wed, 20 Aug 2014 02:37:28 +0000 http://www.emandlo.com/?p=8749#comment-74162 I'm a 52ish female & have never climaxed with my husband of 35 plus years. I was only able to climax once when he gave me oral sex & I had already climaxed with manual stimulation. Without going into too much detail, I can only have an orgasm with a vibe & tighten my legs together. I've been only able to achieve orgasms this way for as long as I remember. With that being said, it now takes me longer to achieve climax. Is it my age? Is it possible to learn something new after years of masterbating one way? Any help would be grateful!! I’m a 52ish female & have never climaxed with my husband of 35 plus years. I was only able to climax once when he gave me oral sex & I had already climaxed with manual stimulation. Without going into too much detail, I can only have an orgasm with a vibe & tighten my legs together. I’ve been only able to achieve orgasms this way for as long as I remember. With that being said, it now takes me longer to achieve climax. Is it my age? Is it possible to learn something new after years of masterbating one way? Any help would be grateful!!

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Comment on BDSM Saved My Life, But Is Ruining My Near Perfect Marriage by Nikki http://www.emandlo.com/2014/08/bdsm-saved-my-life-but-is-ruining-my-near-perfect-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-74153 Nikki Mon, 18 Aug 2014 21:55:32 +0000 http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29698#comment-74153 Oh, damn. This is a tough situation. It sounds like you two are sexually incompatible and have some communication problems. Some of what isn't working sexually for you is a kink issue and part of it isn't a kink issue. I'm going to address these separately, because I think they are distinct issues. The non-kink issue first. It sounds like you are missing things from the "vanilla" part of the menu, like more foreplay. First, what I'm reading in your letter is that your wife hears requests for more of what you like as failures on her part. That needs to stop. The two of you need to work out a way to communicate about your sexual needs and desires without it becoming a source of tension or argument. Second, it sounds like your wife is being rather sexually selfish. She refuses to have more foreplay, or allow you to go down on her, and only wants the kind of sex she likes? Relationships are about compromise. If the BDSM stuff freaks her out, that's one thing. But would a little more vanilla kissing, touching, or oral sex really be all that difficult for her to indulge you in once in a while? I think not. Again, this is a communication issue. For these issues, I suggest having an honest conversation about your sexual needs, and perhaps seeking a marriage counselor. Again, I reiterate that it's important to separate out your kink from your vanilla sex life because there are distinct issues going on here. The kink issue is a little less complicated and a little more complicated. It sounds like your wife just isn't into BDSM, while you really miss it. If she's just not into it, doesn't like it, and it actually upsets her, you can't expect her to do it. I say this as a kinkster myself. So you have three options: (1) resign yourself to giving up BDSM for good (which sounds unrealistic, given your fears about cheating); (2) end your marriage and search for a kinky partner; or (3) open the relationship on terms that you are both comfortable with. If your marriage really is as good as you say it is, it doesn't sound like it's worth blowing up your home for the sake of monogamy. You don't even have to break monogamy to open your relationship sufficiently to satisfy your kinky needs. Lots of BDSM doesn't involve what most people consider to be sex. These issues might also be best addressed with the help of a therapist, because again, I think you guys have communication issues. If you do want to talk about the kink aspects of this problem with a therapist, I suggest you find a kink-friendly one, because otherwise, the therapist may fixate too much on the "pathology" of your kinks (despite the updates to the DSM). The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a Kink Aware Professionals directory you can use to search for therapists and marriage counselors in your area who are BDSM-literate and sex positive. Best of luck to you. I hope you and your wife can reach a solution that makes you both happy and gets your relationship into a better place. Oh, damn. This is a tough situation. It sounds like you two are sexually incompatible and have some communication problems.

Some of what isn’t working sexually for you is a kink issue and part of it isn’t a kink issue. I’m going to address these separately, because I think they are distinct issues. The non-kink issue first. It sounds like you are missing things from the “vanilla” part of the menu, like more foreplay.

First, what I’m reading in your letter is that your wife hears requests for more of what you like as failures on her part. That needs to stop. The two of you need to work out a way to communicate about your sexual needs and desires without it becoming a source of tension or argument.

Second, it sounds like your wife is being rather sexually selfish. She refuses to have more foreplay, or allow you to go down on her, and only wants the kind of sex she likes? Relationships are about compromise. If the BDSM stuff freaks her out, that’s one thing. But would a little more vanilla kissing, touching, or oral sex really be all that difficult for her to indulge you in once in a while? I think not. Again, this is a communication issue.

For these issues, I suggest having an honest conversation about your sexual needs, and perhaps seeking a marriage counselor. Again, I reiterate that it’s important to separate out your kink from your vanilla sex life because there are distinct issues going on here.

The kink issue is a little less complicated and a little more complicated. It sounds like your wife just isn’t into BDSM, while you really miss it. If she’s just not into it, doesn’t like it, and it actually upsets her, you can’t expect her to do it. I say this as a kinkster myself. So you have three options: (1) resign yourself to giving up BDSM for good (which sounds unrealistic, given your fears about cheating); (2) end your marriage and search for a kinky partner; or (3) open the relationship on terms that you are both comfortable with. If your marriage really is as good as you say it is, it doesn’t sound like it’s worth blowing up your home for the sake of monogamy. You don’t even have to break monogamy to open your relationship sufficiently to satisfy your kinky needs. Lots of BDSM doesn’t involve what most people consider to be sex.

These issues might also be best addressed with the help of a therapist, because again, I think you guys have communication issues. If you do want to talk about the kink aspects of this problem with a therapist, I suggest you find a kink-friendly one, because otherwise, the therapist may fixate too much on the “pathology” of your kinks (despite the updates to the DSM). The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a Kink Aware Professionals directory you can use to search for therapists and marriage counselors in your area who are BDSM-literate and sex positive.

Best of luck to you. I hope you and your wife can reach a solution that makes you both happy and gets your relationship into a better place.

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Comment on What Are the Rules for Dating Your Friend’s Exes? by Nikki http://www.emandlo.com/2014/08/what-are-the-rules-for-dating-your-friends-exes/comment-page-1/#comment-74152 Nikki Mon, 18 Aug 2014 21:33:16 +0000 http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29799#comment-74152 I take issue with this: "we expect exes to act like assholes. That’s why they’re exes, after all." I think you guys are being tongue in cheek, but it reads as giving legitimacy to the really immature attitude a lot of so-called adults have toward relationships. Almost all of them end, one way or another. That's just a fact, and it doesn't make a person an asshole. Granted, some people, under the mistaken belief that a relationship is a failure if it doesn't last for the rest of their life, manufacture some kind of blowup in order to get out, because they don't want to admit that what they have on their hands is a dead shark. So maybe that's what you are referring to? Those people who will start acting like a jerk instead of admitting that it's time to move on? But the mere fact that you aren't with that person anymore doesn't automatically confer asshole status upon them. I realize I'm an outlier on this, as with a lot of other things to do with dating and sex. I'm on good terms with most of my exes. But I think we could all benefit from stepping away from the myth that a relationship that doesn't last forever is a failure and anyone who doesn't stay with another person until death do them part is an asshole. That's just my two cents. :) I take issue with this: “we expect exes to act like assholes. That’s why they’re exes, after all.”

I think you guys are being tongue in cheek, but it reads as giving legitimacy to the really immature attitude a lot of so-called adults have toward relationships. Almost all of them end, one way or another. That’s just a fact, and it doesn’t make a person an asshole.

Granted, some people, under the mistaken belief that a relationship is a failure if it doesn’t last for the rest of their life, manufacture some kind of blowup in order to get out, because they don’t want to admit that what they have on their hands is a dead shark. So maybe that’s what you are referring to? Those people who will start acting like a jerk instead of admitting that it’s time to move on? But the mere fact that you aren’t with that person anymore doesn’t automatically confer asshole status upon them.

I realize I’m an outlier on this, as with a lot of other things to do with dating and sex. I’m on good terms with most of my exes. But I think we could all benefit from stepping away from the myth that a relationship that doesn’t last forever is a failure and anyone who doesn’t stay with another person until death do them part is an asshole. That’s just my two cents. :)

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