A contributor friend of ours, who wishes to remain anonymous, has a confession to make:
One of the oft-cited benefits of buying a sex toy online is that you don’t have to see or speak to anyone. You don’t have to interact with a real human, period. But what happens when you lay out your hard-earned student cash on a brand new vibe and it doesn’t show up?
It was a happy day when I opened the Babeland box and found the condoms and lubricant sample pack I ordered… until I realized that the package was missing the most important item: my very first vibrator, portentously named Cloud 9 (and, even better, bought on clearance!). [2012 update: Babeland no longer stocks the Cloud, but they do sell hundreds of other fabulous first-time vibes!]
I nervously called the Customer Service number on the back of my shipping form. An automated machine picked up, with an official sounding voice. I immediately laughed, feeling goofy that I was calling a specialized sex toy shop. I pressed the extension and listened to some hold music. So far, so… normal. I can do this, I told myself.
“How can I help you?” a live representative said.
I told the woman something was missing from my order and gave her my customer number. She asked me to verify my name, and I did, guiltily imagining that she would somehow know my mom.
I blushed as I imagined her looking at her computer screen to see exactly what I ordered.
“What was missing from your order?” she asked.
“Um, the Cloud 9,” I whispered. Why oh why did I have to order something with such an obvious name? It practically screamed “girthy in all the right spots,” as the product information had claimed.
A few minutes passed while she checked the system. Finally, the lady came back on the line.
“So the actual toy is missing?” she confirmed.
I looked back in the box. There was definitely not a pseudo-penis-shaped vibrator in there. Unless it was a really disappointing specimen.
The lady kind enough offered to send a replacement at no charge. I thanked her and said goodbye awkwardly, as if we had just been on a blind date. And then I hung up feeling exceptionally pleased with myself. I had just demanded — and received — excellent customer with regards to a vibrator. I am woman, hear me… moan.