photo by permanently scatterbrained

Our contributor Abby Spector, who is double-majoring in English and Feminine/Gender/Sexuality Studies at Wesleyan University, has a confession to make:

I consider myself a sexual adventurer. As a bisexual who has posed naked for photographers, enjoys threesomes, and has a collection of vibrators, I think I deserve the label. However, there is one sexual act I refuse to partake in: handjobs.

For years I struggled trying to perfect my phallus-massaging abilities. Touching peen is only the first foot on third base (with oral being a whole body slide). We are taught that we have to run the diamond in base order. No skipping allowed. Five bruised penises later, I have learned how to stand up for myself. I look men in all three of their eyes and tell them the truth. “I, Abby Spector, will never give you a handjob.”

Playing doctor as kids has implanted in our heads the “I’ll touch yours if you touch mine” philosophy. This sounds nice. It is a sharing of pleasure. Barney would be proud. But the fact is, there is no “sharing” involved. Handjobs require an extreme level of focus. Even if a magical vibrator went off inside me, when I’m concentrating on a schlong, it is impossible for me to be pleasured.

It’s important to note that fingering and handjobs are not on par with one another. There are hundreds of ways to pleasure a woman using only the hands. She can be tickled externally, massaged along her inner wall, or, if you are both feeling risque (and well-lubed), fisted. It isn’t always about reaching the ultimate O. Fingering is just about feeling good. Sadly, feeling good is easy to fake. Guys, on the other hand, have a more obvious on and off switch. They either climax or they don’t. From what I can tell, there isn’t as much room for in-between. Partners are left jerking the salami until Ol’ Faithful erupts. If he doesn’t, we are left feeling guilty, ashamed or sub-par with our handjob abilities.

Now, this philosophy is juvenile. I understand that relationships focused on communication and honesty would be able to work through handjob dysfunction. But in my experience, by the time that you get to that level of comfort, there are other, far more satisfying sexual acts you can partake in. Handjobs are the domain of near-strangers in the corners of dark bars or awkward teenagers in corners of school dances.

I was one of those awkward teenagers. His name was Alex. He rode a skateboard, listened to Led Zeppelin, and had shaggy blond hair. In other words, he was my tween wet-dream. That is, until he took my hand and slid it down his pants (a disrespectful action that deserves its own post). I was shocked. How was I supposed to maneuver this thing? For fifteen minutes I tried to finish what he started. I failed and Alex never called. I was not shocked.

After Alex came Josh, Tom, Bob, and Elijah.* Came is a bad word choice. In the Biblical sense, no seed was spilled. My arms would get sore, my hands would cramp, and my level of arousal would take a nose-dive. “This is the first time I’ve done this,” I would whisper. It was a blatant lie. I was embarrassed. Feigning inexperience seemed more appealing than the truth.

I am not a quitter, but this handjob business was too much to handle. I began asking my male friends their opinions. The answer was unanimous — men said that they were better at jerking themselves off then allowing a companion to complete the deed. Sure, most of them liked having visitors down below, but reaching blast-off because of a woman’s handjob abilities was a rarity.

Now, contrary to my findings, this site’s Wise Guys all came down in favor of a helping hand. Perhaps this is because my polling sample is ten to fifteen years younger then these Wise Guys. The majority of my pollees are un-Wise Boys who jack off twice a day. Chances are that when they hook up with a girl, it will stop after innocent petting. Therefore, the petting better be pretty fucking incredible. I was far from incredible.

Which is why I swore off handjobs. I didn’t need them. And from what I heard, they didn’t need me either.

*Names have been changed.