5/6/09
Confession: I Dragged My College BF to Couples Therapy

Our contributor, who wishes to remain anonymous, has a confession to make. (Read the first part of this story, which led her to the therapist’s couch, here.)

I always thought couples therapy was for older married couples who couldn’t get their shit together.  Then my boyfriend of two years cheated on me and I couldn’t think of any other way to, well, get our shit together.  I gave him an ultimatum:  Either we saw a therapist together, or I was dumping him.

Our first therapy session was awkward and painful to say the least.  My boyfriend was extremely uncomfortable admitting to a stranger that he cheated on me, so I did most of the talking.  Reliving every detail of my boyfriend’s infidelities brought out the beast in me, which I had been trying to tame the last couple of weeks.  Several times I considered picking up one of the pillows that rested on the couch between us and beating him senseless with it; then I remembered sense was something he’d already proved he was devoid of when he cheated on me. And yet despite the rage and resentment our first session forced out of me, I walked away from it feeling optimistic and enlightened. At least we were doing something.

The counselor gave us each a to-do list, which first instructed us to create a contract with a set of guidelines of our personal goals and expectations of each other.  Second, we were to set aside time for a date night once a week, during which we were forbidden to discuss our relationship and instead focus on having fun — in other words, reignite the flame that my boyfriend had effectively extinguished. Lastly, we were instructed to save fights for therapy.

Our contracts consisted of promises to be faithful and honest, manage our anger, stay positive, avoid discussion about the past until therapy, and respect each other. (My boyfriend even agreed to let me look at his phone, Facebook, and email if I felt the need.) As instructed, we typed up the contracts, signed them, and then hung them next to our negative STD and HIV tests on the refrigerator.

The ensuing week, I had a difficult time not bringing up the past, which often upset my boyfriend. He argued that if we were to make this work, then I was to play by our therapist’s rules, just as he was.  “Rules?” I screamed at him, “Why should I play by the rules when you so deliberately broke them when you cheated on me!”  While I patted myself on the back for such a sassy slap in the face, I knew deep down that he was right. He was putting forth an effort to repair this relationship and it was only fair that I do the same.

Our second therapy session focused on how we could effectively control our anger to avoid future fights.  Our therapist told us that if I was truly committed to giving my boyfriend a second chance, then I was going to have to learn to trust him again.  If I brought up the past when we were not in therapy — which I was reminded I was not supposed to do to begin with — my boyfriend was instructed to say, “I love you. I’m sorry I cheated. I’m changing.”  If I found myself unable to accept this as an answer, my boyfriend was then instructed to say, “This relationship is important to me, but let’s talk about this at therapy.”

Our therapist also told us that exercise, sleeping well, and eating healthfully were key to making us less prone to fighting.  Finally, she told us about “anchoring” and “puking.”  Anchoring, she explained, is “finding objects that remind us of positive memories such as photographs, gifts received from each other, purchases made on trips, etc.”  Puking is “something every couple does. When people are upset they tend to say hurtful things they do not mean.”

“If J pukes you should not take it personally,” she told my boyfriend. “You don’t want to pick puke up and put it in your pocket.  It’s just going to smell and the stench will get worse. You also don’t want to analyze what’s in puke. Just ignore it.”

We laughed uncomfortably as she told us about a married couple that attended therapy sessions with her who utilized the puke strategy.  The couple reported that they would first announce they were going to puke, then go stand on a rug in the middle of their living room and unleash whatever nastiness they needed to purge.  It all sounded very cute, but at the same time absolutely ridiculous.

But then, the following week, I puked. Although we didn’t have a rug for me to stand on, I walked to the middle of our living room, announced that I was going to puke, and went on what felt like an hour-long rant about how angry my boyfriend made me by cheating on me. “Your dick is tainted now!  It’s been in four other girls since we started dating!  How am I supposed to be ‘The Owner of Your Cock’ [his nickname for me] when you are whoring your cock out without my permission?”  It felt good to bitch — and because we knew that I was only puking, we were able to laugh about it not only after my rant, but during it as well. In some strange way, we knew this was progress.

Our third therapy session is next week. I am learning slowly how to trust my boyfriend again, and he is doing everything he can to assure me he deserves my trust.  Our relationship isn’t perfect and I don’t expect it ever to be, but our sessions are teaching us how to make our relationship stronger and better.  Without couples therapy, I honestly don’t think we’d stand a chance.

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10 Comments on "Confession: I Dragged My College BF to Couples Therapy"

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Terri
Terri
4 years 6 months ago

marie claire magazine is looking for women who are in couples therapy with their boyfriends (no kids, not engaged, not living in NYC) and are interested in being part of a story about the rise in couples therapy among unmarried couples. contact tebrummitt@hearst.com if you’re interested or know someone who is.

kitchen gadgetry
6 years 7 months ago

Hi there – first off, been a longtime fan, but this is my first comment. I thought I should probably say thanks for posting this piece, and I’ll be back!

Mary
Mary
6 years 11 months ago
I had an on-again-off again relationship (not marraige, nor children) where the boyfriend suggested we see a counselor for our troubles. He was astute in recognizing the anger that had accumulated within me over our “starts and stops” as well as his treatment of me at various points. I’m not saying I never did anything to hurt him (although, nothing purposefully or as blatant as cheating, but I am quite sure what he doled out to me was a lot more destructive than what I did to him) but, I decided not to see him after that-it sent me running.… Read more »
Adam & Eve, Sex Toys
6 years 11 months ago

The ‘puke’ strategy seems like an interesting way to really vent without hurting your partner. Neat idea.

I need therapy
7 years 2 months ago

Rei I dont know if it all works that way. Getting rid of the cheater is not always the obvious solution. One part of you may hate the person till you die but if you invested a lot of love into a relationship then it’s difficult to chuck it into the trash can. Very often the memories of the good times tears you and the cheater apart. I believe working things out is the only way in life to becoming a stronger person. A rolling stone definitely gathers no moss.

Rei
Rei
7 years 3 months ago
^I agree with your last sentence Ryan. Too many people stay in a relationship that is volatile, and find no happiness, and take anger out on their partner. Just get out of this relationship if it makes you angry to be in it. Find someone who makes you happy, and express happiness onto that person too, it makes the relationship worthwhile by ‘naturally’ having the love, lust, trust, and happiness. To me, if you need to go to therapy because your partner has cheated, and that cheater is willing to change for you, great, but you may always be on… Read more »
Ryan
Ryan
7 years 4 months ago

I sort of think that unless you’ve got kids, no relationship is worth working your ass off over. Having been in very difficult relationships and in very smooth ones, I know there’s an easier way than sticking by someone who’s causing me pain. If my relationships with women become more difficult or painful than they are enjoyable, I end them.

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