Our contributor Jewely Hoxie, who is studying Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz — you can read her blog here — has a confession to make:
You constantly hear about how men get off just from the sound of their partner’s moans and groans — there’s a reason that all those porn stars work so hard to vocalize their enjoyment. But it’s not just men who get an ego boost — amongst other benefits — from the sounds of sex. I’m here to report that this woman, at least, loves the noise as much as any man.
Of course, the men I sleep with don’t tend to moan as loudly or as often as those female porn stars, but I take what I can get, whether it’s vocals or the physical noises of our bodies in friction, or just a brief breathy exhalation — which can be just as hot as a moan, and informative, too. It tells me that thing right there you’re doing is really working. It’s the sexiest form of communication I know.
And if a guy can take the noise beyond simple breathing to just a few simple phrases — “that’s the spot”; “faster”; “slower”; “harder”; “softer”; “bite my ___”; “slap my ____”; “I love the way you ____”; — then he’s a keeper in my book. Because what’s better than knowing what someone wants and likes? The noises help me get to know my partner’s sexual character and help guide future encounters. Because sometimes you don’t know exactly what you want in bed until it actually happens.
But you get more than just plain feedback from sex noises — when I hear someone speak in their ultimate moment of lechery, it heightens the connection and closeness I have with them. And it’s not just my partner’s noises that thrill me — making my own sounds enhances the experience, too. As I describe or react to what I’m experiencing, I’m more aware of my senses and it helps me focus on the intensity I am feeling. And the sounds imprint the sexual experience in my brain, too — when I daydream about the noises we made, they turn me on and help me remember for next time where the good spots are and what the best rhythm is.
These sex vocalizations are not to be confused with a sex talk. Before I go to bed with someone, they need to know the difference. I want to make sure no one misses an orgasm due to mistimed “talks.” The nitty gritty detailed discussion should take place outside of the bedroom — the likes and dislikes, what you want to try and what you are not comfortable with.
When I’m actually in the sack, on the other hand, I want the pleasure principle to guide me. I want my noises to be responsive and almost involuntary. Auto-responsive vocals can be just as hot as actual words and phrases — those unrestrained and uncontrollable bursts of “mmm’s” and “yes’s.” I love knowing that we’re both letting go of restraints, nervousness, and awkwardness to erupt into strange animal noises.
Sometimes one of us will yelp out a noise that may not be in the porn 101 textbook of hot sex moans — like when my breathing accelerates and an unintentional hiccup springs out. In the past I might have been embarrassed about this, but I’ve learned to embrace the weird along with the wonderful. The same goes for the sounds of the mattress squeaking, skin scratching, spit sucking, and the squishy wet noises that come from penetration. Even the most mortifying sex sounds, like accidental escapes of air, can underscore your intimacy with a person. Laugh if you need to, and then move on. Because good sex is not about modesty. So bring in the noise!