Our contributor Kristine deGuzman, a junior at UC Berkeley, has a confession to make:
I’ve shared almost everything about my sex life with my friends — they know, for example, that I discovered masturbation when I was 8 and alone with my parents’ hand-held massager. And that I am prone to squirt during sex. I’m guessing they would tell you that I don’t know how much information constitutes T.M.I.
You say over-sharing, I say, what’s the big deal? I just don’t get why so many of my peers treat their sex lives like their bowel movements — something we all know is going on but don’t feel comfortable enough to discuss with company. I especially don’t see the point of trying to hide your sex life when you’re in college, because if you’re seeing someone in college, it’s almost a given that you’re getting into each other’s pants.
Most people I’ve come across either giggle or act a bit awkward when I cross that T.M.I. line, though I have discovered that with a little push, a good number of people dive right over with me. Let’s take a girl I know from back home. We went through 13 years of private Catholic school together and she’s always been known to be a prude. I saw her over Winter Break, and over coffee, she managed to let slip that she recently started having sex. This is pretty much how our conversation went:
Me: “So you’re having sex now?”
Her: “Mmhmm….”
Me: “So who are you having sex with?”
Her: “…”
Me: “Is it that guy in all of your MySpace pictures?”
Her: (smiling) “…”
Me: “So, how long have you guys been having sex now?”
Her: (smiling even bigger) “About three weeks…”
Me: “…So do you guys have sex a lot or something?”
Her: “YES. We’ve had sex twelve times! In my car, in a public restroom, and even on the break table at work!”
I suspect everyone, deep down, wants to share their dirty laundry. It’s cathartic, empowering, and educational! We’d all be a little wiser and less judgmental about sex if we were more honest about it. And we’d certainly be a lot more knowledgeable and mature about the harsher realities of sex, like imperfect bodies, reproduction, and STDs.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend doesn’t subscribe to this T.M.I. philosophy. While most guys I’ve encountered have been more than willing to discuss their sex lives, often in grossly explicit detail, my boyfriend is an extremely private person. And since sharing details about my sex life inevitably means sharing details about his sex life, we tend to bump heads a lot. Like when we’re out with friends and I tell them that we left last week’s party early so we could go home and have wild, headboard-shaking sex.
My boyfriend, ever the eloquent one, likes to quote Ludacris when he explains his aversion to T.M.I., stating that he wants, “A lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets.” While I don’t buy that being tight-lipped about what I do in bed makes me a “lady” (I just think it makes me seem “uptight”), I have tried to dial it back a bit for his sake. But if someone comes right out and asks me what I did last night, my first response will still be, “I boned my boyfriend. Twice.”
— Kristine deGuzman
This brings me back to carpool moments in HS. cy, we used to dispute who would be the first to bone…and, well this is like hearing the mere echoes of our conversations on virtual paper, except now its more like the echoes of kristines moans accompanied by a symphony of crashes and consistent banging, and you know, an occasional grunt and a “you dirty whore” here and there. That reminds me, kdg, if you happen to fall across this, gotta tell you. Just, gottaa tell you
Love,
Kris
so, i’m the boyfriend in this article.
antonio, your comment on the ‘enigmatic’ is something that i entirely agree with. kb, i appreciate your concern, but its alright–leigh actually has a pretty good picture about what’s going on.
and to put the record straight, the ludacris lyrics are actually ‘lady in the street but a freak in the bed’ from usher’s song ‘yeah.’
happy valentines day!
It’s only relatively recently I’ve become more okay/open with talking about sex. I was hesitant before because I hated the ways that I saw men tend to sex-talk. I can’t stand “locker-room,” conquest/competition, etc. -style sex talk from anyone. Luckily, I have girl and guy friends who don’t fit this script, and I feel more comfy sharing, asking, etc. And more play, fun, and responsibility-focused sex talk are all taking over in my spheres, which makes me happy!
I say keep being examples of what you see as healthy communication about sex as much as you can. In my idealistic little world, it will eventually serve to show your partner the rewards.
I have the same problem with oversharing and a private fiance. He’s do doubt terrified by the blog I just started. We’ll see how long before he cracks and asks me to edit something.
I totally agree! My boyfriend is a little bit more prudish than I am about telling people, but I have close friends who hear quite a LOT about our sex life. But, my friends are just like me, and they tell me the same kind of stuff. I admit to being a little overboard at one point, but really, why shouldn’t we share?
Loved this! As a fellow oversharer, both in my writing and in my personal life, I agree 100% with that you said here: “I suspect everyone, deep down, wants to share their dirty laundry. It’s cathartic, empowering, and educational! We’d all be a little wiser and less judgmental about sex if we were more honest about it. And we’d certainly be a lot more knowledgeable and mature about the harsher realities of sex, like imperfect bodies, reproduction, and STDs.”
I could not agree more–you said it perfectly. It’s amazing how much other people love to overshare as well as soon as someone breaks the ice with an embarrassing sex story, confession, or “is this weird?” question. I have TMI-averse friends who “confess” about things like queefing as if it’s abnormal and the most horrifying thing to happen, ever–oversharing is a great way to realize you’re completely normal, or get answers to questions, or just be reminded that no matter what embarrassing thing you did in bed, someone’s probably done worse. Someone being me.
Hey girl, I’m the same way. I started having sex at a later age than most of my friends so I’m always excited to share, while they just roll their eyes or remind me that we are eating. I try not to gush how good my bf looks naked because yes, I know he really doesn’t want our friends to be able to picture him without his boxers on… ugh. It’s like you said, everyone should be more open! But I respect that most people aren’t, and my boyfriend is one of the people, and I try my best not to share. It’s so hard though, it’s like conforming to the shy, “we-don’t-talk-about-those-things-in-public” way of living. So not me.
Gurrrl I like to let it all hang out too. Good for you
But I like to keep the juicy details to my retinue. I think it’s much more fun to have secrets between ourselves. When someone overhears, they’ll catch something like “…and then the condom was on the smoke detector!” The shocked listener will then wonder at what exotic pleasures we have reveled in, making us all the more enigmatic.
Actually, that’s all probably just in my head, but it’s nice to pretend.
Oh come now…relationships are about compromise–it sounds like Kristine’s openness is a basic component about her personality, so presumably her partner knew the score when he got involved in a relationship with her. If he’s got enough of a sense of humor about it to quote misogynistic song lyrics at her, I think it’s reasonable to assume that they’re squared consensually speaking. She ought to try dial it back for his sake, and for her sake he ought try loosen up. If either of those are genuinely dealbreakers for them, then they aren’t really that compatible, are they?
I understand talking amongst your friends about having sex with your boyfriend– because hell most of my girlfriends kiss and tell– but I would just keep it to the girl talk. I wouldn’t just randomly tell his friends or the world what you are doing if he isn’t cool with it.
Having sex is great! Having great sex is great, but before you brag make sure your respecting your boyfriend’s wishes on who you are telling. That’s just my advice!
I’m not seeing much respect for your boyfriend there. Yeah, overshare about your own details if you want to, but really, once there’s another person involved that doesn’t want to be, not cool at all.