Confession: My Boyfriend and I Have Crushes on Other People

Our contributor Kristine deGuzman, a junior at UC Berkeley, has a confession to make:

It was my roommate’s 21st birthday a few Fridays ago, so my roommates and I decided to throw her a massive birthday party at our apartment. My boyfriend opted to chill in my bedroom for most of the night, while I mingled with the throng of intoxicated co-eds crowding our kitchen.  Several cocktails later, I found myself considering hooking up with four different guys and one girl. At least. And every time I had even the slightest urge to stick my tongue in someone else’s mouth, I would go into the bedroom and slur to my boyfriend something along the lines of, “There’s a cute boy/girl in the kitchen and I sooo want to sleep with him/her.” He would respond by smirking, patting me on the back and saying, “Go for it.”

But then, of course, we ended the night getting into each other’s pants.

This scenario happens a lot in our relationship, and not necessarily during drunken party scenes. Some days we just come home and talk about the attractive people in our classes or clubs who we’ve developed schoolgirl/schoolboy crushes on, and then end the conversation with sex. For example, one time I came home rambling on about this cute guy in my French class who was quite the charmer, and my boyfriend, determined to show him up, managed to charm me out of my clothing and onto his bed. Crafty, no? And while other couples work out or go wine tasting together, we Facebook stalk our crushes together, almost as a strange bonding ritual.

Another borderline creepy activity that we like to do together while hanging out on campus (or anywhere public, really) is to comment on attractive girls and guys that pass by and decide whether or not we would consider dating them if we were both single (and bi). Most of the time our tastes in attractive people differ, but every now and then someone will pass by and we can both agree, “Oh yeah. That person is definitely worth fucking.” Yeah, we’re that couple.

I just feel like after a certain period of time, it becomes perfectly natural for people in relationships to be attracted to other people. The philosophy that my boyfriend and I have adopted can be summed up as, “Why fight it?” We have an implicit understanding that neither of us actually will act on these verbalized urges — we are both monogamous and know that sexual relations with other people are a no-go. We simply don’t hide these desires from each other, so there’s never any suspicion or speculation that the other is being unfaithful. And it’s made our relationship stronger. I know that despite the fact that he finds other girls attractive, he still places me above them all — and vice versa.

So what happens when couples fight it? I have a guy friend who’s been with his girlfriend for several years and he still can’t look at another girl without pushing the “meltdown” button in her head. In the beginning he tried to tell her about girls he had crushes on, but since his honesty led to some really dramatic break-ups, he’s decided “Ahh, well, ignorance is bliss.” They’ve gone through several “breaks,” and during each he’s managed to hook up with at least one woman, and his girlfriend is none the wiser. I suspect that the more he’s not allowed to even think of another girl, the more he does so when his girlfriend is away.

The idea that you can’t be attracted to other people when you’re in a relationship is just unrealistic and sets couples up for future problems. Human attraction is a basic instinct, and it’s really just a matter of acting responsibly. Just because you find yourself turned on by a girl or guy in the grocery store doesn’t mean your relationship with your significant other is flawed, and it doesn’t mean you’re an awful person prone to infidelity. I’m not saying everyone should adopt our brutal honesty policy, but I do think one day everyone needs to sit down with their significant other and just admit, “I’ve thought about screwing other people, but don’t worry, you’re still at the top of my list.”

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31 Comments on "Confession: My Boyfriend and I Have Crushes on Other People"

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4 years 1 month ago

To everyone attacking the poster’s relationship: Are you really so vain as to believe your way is the only way?

My relationship is much like the poster’s and I couldn’t be happier. We don’t Facebook stalk our crushes, but we talk about the hot people in our lives and if we’d sleep with them. We’re not bisexual, but we find both women and men attractive.

Now, I’m committed to my boyfriend and he’s committed to me. We both know that if we didn’t want to be in a relationship with one another, we wouldn’t be. Cheating is petty and if we didn’t see value in our current relationship, we’d just break up.

There’s nothing wrong with being open and free with your significant other if you both feel comfortable having a relationship that is so honest. Obviously lack of honesty kills MANY relationships, so why should couples who are very honest be looked down upon? Sure, this method can kill its fair share of relationships as well, but if both people are comfortable with it, why should you judge them?

The answer: You shouldn’t.

I know that some of you “could never entertain the thought of being with someone else”. And that’s fine. But here’s the cold, hard reality: There are tons of people better looking than your boyfriend. There are even some people that will have very similar personalities and interests. Some of you can’t be attracted to other people when you’re committed, and some (like me) can. Yeah, I crush on a guy I work with. I think he’s very attractive, smart, and totally compatible with me.

I’ve told my boyfriend about him and he laughed. Then he told me about the hot new girl he works with.

Do we discuss them more than we discuss each other’s feelings and interests? Nope.

And that’s why our relationship is strong.


6 years 2 months ago

More related to the post, I think it’s great to have full honestly. It is truly ideal. I think it’s perfectly fine to “check out” other people and even admit to it. Of course you will find others to be physically attractive. But when that attraction turns into an “interest” or something you consider pursuing… it’s time to let your significant other know that your commitment to them is questionable. I am bothered that my boyfriend never let me know he he considered ending our relationship for another girl… especially when I thought everything was fine and believed him when he told me he didn’t like her.

6 years 2 months ago

I’ve been dating a guy for 3 years. We are best friends and get along well in almost every instance. However I can be somewhat “paranoid” about other girls. I don’t think it’s paranoia but he gets quite angry and frustrated any time I have a concern or am feeling a bit insecure. I recently found out that my suspicions about this one girl were justfied. He finally revealed that he was interested in this girl while we were still dating. I ballpark this crush to be about 5 months long! I has asked him about it then and he denied it and the truth has only come out a year+ later. He claims it never got to the point that he felt he needed to tell me about it. He never cheated on me, but I feel there was emotional dishonesty. I argue that he should have told me since he was thinking about this other girl at the same time and he couldn’t be fully commited to the relationship if he had this crush on her. But I am hurt by this even though he claims he no longer likes her. How can I trust what he says about girls in the future when he revealed that he lied to me?

6 years 5 months ago

but, Ashley, if the only thing keeping them from cheating is never meeting someone they find hot, can you depend on that? I mean, that doesn’t seem realistic long term. There will be hot people. If you’re going to stay in a relationship(at least if I am) there has to be more to it. There does have to be something that makes us both say “yeah, that guy/girl is hot, but what we have is hotter”

6 years 5 months ago

I have to agree mainly with Vivian and Jay-Jay and Spider. Most of all with Spider’s quote:

“of course other people in the world are attractive, but I truly don’t ever think of other men sexually while I’m in a happy committed relationship.”

However, I don’t deny how Kristine (and many other commentors) said that obviously people are going to think other people are hott, great looking, etc. And also, I think most people can agree that “cheating” on someone is touching, like actually kissing or sex etc. so things like thinking and talking about it ISNT cheating. Which is what I feel Kristine is trying to say. And that in her relationships, she is comfortable to get that close and still be okay. However, for me, this is not the case. I feel as if thinking, wanting, talking about is too close to actually cheating, and it makes me jealous etc. because like as Jay Jay stated:

“in my mind, that you admitting that you considered it a possibility and what is to keep you from MAKING it a possibility next time?”

I guess that is my best defense, that what Is holding you back if you’ve gone so far as that? Especially if you’re boyfriend is okay with you going that far. To me, saying that someone is hot or good looking isn’t an issue for me, because you’re merely stating the obivous. However, going farther than that, making it a personal thing like ” i’d sleep with him” or have a personal crush, to me is going to far.

Being that honest and that comfortable I suppose is healthy if you can control it, which is one of the fears I would have if my boyfriend ever spoke anything like what Kristine and her boyfriend say. but if she can handle it and that is what makes them happy then as they say, to each their own. Addressing the needs they have I suppose is truely better than hiding them away. However, like in the quote I first stated, I am so in love with my boyfriend that I don’t even think about other guys, because there is no nature in me to desire more than the man who completes me.