4/1/09
Confession: My Boyfriend and I Have Crushes on Other People

Our contributor Kristine deGuzman, a junior at UC Berkeley, has a confession to make:

It was my roommate’s 21st birthday a few Fridays ago, so my roommates and I decided to throw her a massive birthday party at our apartment. My boyfriend opted to chill in my bedroom for most of the night, while I mingled with the throng of intoxicated co-eds crowding our kitchen.  Several cocktails later, I found myself considering hooking up with four different guys and one girl. At least. And every time I had even the slightest urge to stick my tongue in someone else’s mouth, I would go into the bedroom and slur to my boyfriend something along the lines of, “There’s a cute boy/girl in the kitchen and I sooo want to sleep with him/her.” He would respond by smirking, patting me on the back and saying, “Go for it.”

But then, of course, we ended the night getting into each other’s pants.

This scenario happens a lot in our relationship, and not necessarily during drunken party scenes. Some days we just come home and talk about the attractive people in our classes or clubs who we’ve developed schoolgirl/schoolboy crushes on, and then end the conversation with sex. For example, one time I came home rambling on about this cute guy in my French class who was quite the charmer, and my boyfriend, determined to show him up, managed to charm me out of my clothing and onto his bed. Crafty, no? And while other couples work out or go wine tasting together, we Facebook stalk our crushes together, almost as a strange bonding ritual.

Another borderline creepy activity that we like to do together while hanging out on campus (or anywhere public, really) is to comment on attractive girls and guys that pass by and decide whether or not we would consider dating them if we were both single (and bi). Most of the time our tastes in attractive people differ, but every now and then someone will pass by and we can both agree, “Oh yeah. That person is definitely worth fucking.” Yeah, we’re that couple.

I just feel like after a certain period of time, it becomes perfectly natural for people in relationships to be attracted to other people. The philosophy that my boyfriend and I have adopted can be summed up as, “Why fight it?” We have an implicit understanding that neither of us actually will act on these verbalized urges — we are both monogamous and know that sexual relations with other people are a no-go. We simply don’t hide these desires from each other, so there’s never any suspicion or speculation that the other is being unfaithful. And it’s made our relationship stronger. I know that despite the fact that he finds other girls attractive, he still places me above them all — and vice versa.

So what happens when couples fight it? I have a guy friend who’s been with his girlfriend for several years and he still can’t look at another girl without pushing the “meltdown” button in her head. In the beginning he tried to tell her about girls he had crushes on, but since his honesty led to some really dramatic break-ups, he’s decided “Ahh, well, ignorance is bliss.” They’ve gone through several “breaks,” and during each he’s managed to hook up with at least one woman, and his girlfriend is none the wiser. I suspect that the more he’s not allowed to even think of another girl, the more he does so when his girlfriend is away.

The idea that you can’t be attracted to other people when you’re in a relationship is just unrealistic and sets couples up for future problems. Human attraction is a basic instinct, and it’s really just a matter of acting responsibly. Just because you find yourself turned on by a girl or guy in the grocery store doesn’t mean your relationship with your significant other is flawed, and it doesn’t mean you’re an awful person prone to infidelity. I’m not saying everyone should adopt our brutal honesty policy, but I do think one day everyone needs to sit down with their significant other and just admit, “I’ve thought about screwing other people, but don’t worry, you’re still at the top of my list.”

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36 Comments on "Confession: My Boyfriend and I Have Crushes on Other People"

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Lauren
Lauren
4 years 11 months ago
To everyone attacking the poster’s relationship: Are you really so vain as to believe your way is the only way? My relationship is much like the poster’s and I couldn’t be happier. We don’t Facebook stalk our crushes, but we talk about the hot people in our lives and if we’d sleep with them. We’re not bisexual, but we find both women and men attractive. Now, I’m committed to my boyfriend and he’s committed to me. We both know that if we didn’t want to be in a relationship with one another, we wouldn’t be. Cheating is petty and if… Read more »
farah
farah
1 month 11 days ago

a crush to me is a sign of a not so great emotionally satisfying relationship,maybe you and your boyfriend just convince yourselves that its harmless and totally normal becuase you are afraid of being alone and just want a safety of a relationship

BS
BS
6 years 11 months ago
More related to the post, I think it’s great to have full honestly. It is truly ideal. I think it’s perfectly fine to “check out” other people and even admit to it. Of course you will find others to be physically attractive. But when that attraction turns into an “interest” or something you consider pursuing… it’s time to let your significant other know that your commitment to them is questionable. I am bothered that my boyfriend never let me know he he considered ending our relationship for another girl… especially when I thought everything was fine and believed him when… Read more »
BS
BS
6 years 11 months ago
I’ve been dating a guy for 3 years. We are best friends and get along well in almost every instance. However I can be somewhat “paranoid” about other girls. I don’t think it’s paranoia but he gets quite angry and frustrated any time I have a concern or am feeling a bit insecure. I recently found out that my suspicions about this one girl were justfied. He finally revealed that he was interested in this girl while we were still dating. I ballpark this crush to be about 5 months long! I has asked him about it then and he… Read more »
kb
kb
7 years 2 months ago

but, Ashley, if the only thing keeping them from cheating is never meeting someone they find hot, can you depend on that? I mean, that doesn’t seem realistic long term. There will be hot people. If you’re going to stay in a relationship(at least if I am) there has to be more to it. There does have to be something that makes us both say “yeah, that guy/girl is hot, but what we have is hotter”

Ashley
Ashley
7 years 2 months ago
I have to agree mainly with Vivian and Jay-Jay and Spider. Most of all with Spider’s quote: “of course other people in the world are attractive, but I truly don’t ever think of other men sexually while I’m in a happy committed relationship.” However, I don’t deny how Kristine (and many other commentors) said that obviously people are going to think other people are hott, great looking, etc. And also, I think most people can agree that “cheating” on someone is touching, like actually kissing or sex etc. so things like thinking and talking about it ISNT cheating. Which is… Read more »
kb
kb
7 years 4 months ago

but Krissy, the entire point here is that having other crushes DOES NOT mean you want to share him. or be shared. Crushes are part of life. acting on them doesn’t have to be. but our whole paranoid culture of “emotional infidelity” teaches people the opposite. The op points it out-you’re with your SO because it’s more than a crush. You’re with them because you truly want to be.

farah
farah
1 month 11 days ago

every person you truly wanted to be with was once just a crush……I think you people are fooling urselves if u think they wont act on their crush in the right moment and when given a chance

Krissy
Krissy
7 years 4 months ago
I was alittle taken back by some of what was said. I guess everyone is different an we all want something different out of a relationship. I personally could never be that open with my fiance and we have been together three years. I guess you could call me the jealous type but I don’t feel that suits me. I just love him so much I don’t want to lose him or share him. I know he feels the same way. He tends to get quite jealous too. He also says he never looks at other men or women cause… Read more »
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