6/24/09
Confession: Porn Makes My Heart Grow Colder

porn_setphoto by TheNaughtyAmerican.com

Our contributor, who wishes to remain anonymous, has a confession to make (in response to the recent confession by another contributor, “Porn Makes My Heart Grow Fonder“).

I don’t like porn.  Which strikes me as strange since not only do I love sex, I study it. But there’s just something about porn that turns me off.  Okay, a lot of somethings.

Porn makes me feel awkward.  Maybe it’s because our puritanical society has succeeded in convincing me that porn is the root of all evil. Or maybe it’s because of that time in middle school when I was watching a rated-R movie on TV with my parents and a sex scene came on. But porn makes me feel like a creepy voyeur sitting in the corner of a room while a couple has sex on the bed.  To me, sex is something private and sacred (even though I admit I enjoy sex in public).

Porn scares me.  When I was in high school I clicked the wrong link on a website and landed in a barnyard of bestiality.  It was absolutely horrifying.

Porn bores me.  In college, after I purchased my first dildo, I took a leap of faith and got a membership to an obscure porn website that featured role-playing (one of my favorite sexual indulgences).  I masturbated furiously for a good three nights, but come the fourth I just couldn’t climax anymore.  I suppose the novelty of it all wore off and the disenchantment set in.  I got pretty freaked out that I was masturbating to a guy my dad’s age hooking up with a girl my age.  That pretty much killed it for me.

Porn gives me second-hand embarrassment. I feel like I’m watching a high school play, the kind that sucks so bad you leave before intermission.  The acting is so terrible you can’t help but cringe watching it.  You sit there hoping it will get better, but it just gets worse.  My boyfriend has shown me plenty of this kind of porn (he loves it) and I can’t help but poke fun at how overemphatic the couples’ screams are or how cheesy the dirty talk is.

Porn lies to me…and everyone else.  It tells us female orgasms are easily achieved and anal never, ever hurts.  It slyly suggests that women, by nature, are all secret lesbians (or at least bisexuals) who enjoy being taken — and taken advantage of. It convinces us that we don’t need to worry about the risk of silly things such as sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy because they simply don’t exist in that world.  Not only does it get off on getting us off, it gets off on letting us off the hook of sexual responsibility. It has the power to influence our real sex lives and reinforce archaic gender stereotypes — and that’s dangerous.

Porn can’t fake me out.  I know how contrived it is.  My boyfriend worked as an actor in the porn industry before we started dating and the more I learned about his experiences the less attractive it all became.  Stopping and starting constantly to reshoot scenes or adjust lighting or try different positions.  He would often come home with a sore member thanks to “perfectionist “producers. The producers were demanding and disrespectful, not only to women, but to men, too.  He explained how he was treated more like an object than a person.  Plus he was paid to have sex — that didn’t sit well with me.

Porn makes my boyfriend annoying.  I love him, but I can’t stand the constant questions like, What do you think about a threesome?  Can I come on your face?  Can we do double penetration?  Can I use all five of our sex toys on you at once?  Can we have sex while wearing masks? Now who’s treating whom like an object? It’s not that I’m flat against doing any of these things, I just want to do them on my own terms, when I’m ready.  It gets tiring telling him this.

I can hear it now: Not ALL porn is bad; I just need to seek out better porn that works for me. But why? I’m happy with the sex I have. I don’t need to watch someone else having it…or faking it.



28 Comments

  1. It never ever turned me on ever . Why?
    Because the “model” is telling me how little importance their orgasm is namely how little passion they have. A fake pleasure, a fake joy for existence which cannot be sheathed by their moans all that remains is their negative force which is the opposite of an orgasm or joy or “turn on”. Oh but they are passionate about money right? Or are they just possessed (no I am not religious I think)? Perhaps these people are getting paid loads for showing the world they have pubic hair? BUT wait a second Perhaps they are not.. Then something else is driving this – What? Insanity, hatred, drug habits, a political mission or just jealous of other woman who can turn men on effortlessly naturally (maybe all of those reasons combined) ? We always assume its a drug habit but what if someone is doing “it” for hardly any money and Is not on drugs? As said I don’t have a formal religion nor practice one but where does the last question lead.? Could someone have that much jealousy that they are willing to sink their own boat in the hope you are on it?
    Yes.. Thus maybe jealousy is the hell they live in ONLY here on earth as opposed to some final judgement .
    Summary- She has in my humble opinion duped and tortured herself from being passionate about your destruction.

    Now on to the question what is a turn on? Woman in a bikini, woman in lingerie woman….. who just gives enough without being thrash. Its this line that the prostitute and her pimp will attempt to rub out. To either force you into self castration (monk) or just a pathetic Viagra zombie. He and she knows there is a middle ground…
    This balance cannot be destroyed. They know this too but throw stones anyway.
    The question is who is more exhausted the one who does not have to try? Or the one who is plotting and scheming? But note there is nothing you can say or do to stop jealousy its on a secret death wish but does not let you know this. Cling film is transparent.

  2. How is it a man can find these women atractive enough to yank to. I like knowing my partner or on I am thinking of has been with less than those of a football team. That is what is wrong with this world. Nothing is sacred or with honor. I agree that porn is a major link in failing or cheating relationships. Here they put a “movie” out that gives false hopes to both sides. No man or woman is ever going to be like that, and if you need to see someone else in order to get off on either side of the sexes, maybe you should give your partner enough respect to walk away. I mean how many men or women out there want to be having and enjoying sex with someone, then realizing it was sooo good because your partner was thinking of someone else. That is what it all boils down too. It is the simple basics that we all learned in kindergarten. Treat others how you want to be treated. To men from a southern lady though, you ain’t going to get no good sex from a cheap woman who does porn, only a woman with enough respect for herself can give it her all….I am sure the ladies out there agree

  3. But I mean, this whole thing is about her across-the-board objections to porn, and we get only a passing mention that her BF is a PORN ACTOR!? Most people who LIKE porn would probably have trouble dealing with that.

    I almost want to call bullshit here. Something’s off.

  4. It is exactly what I was saying, Johnny. Very inconsistent.

    And IMO, porn doesn’t “make” her boyfriend “annoying” as he would be asking for or feeling her out for these activities anyway. If he is “annoying” he’s that way by himself. She seems to want to blame porn for her relationship problems, when it is obviously a personality and “novelty seeking” difference.

  5. Wait a minute… the author objects to porn in every way… porn scares the author, fills her with embarassment, makes her feel awkward, and makes her BF annoying… and that BF is… a former porn actor?

    Does this not add up to anyone else? Something’s off here.

  6. I’m curious about the range of sexually explicit material that the poster has viewed. I have discovered that a lot of the readily available (free, internet) porn makes me very uncomfortable. It does feel to me like a violation.
    I enjoy a lot of porn from the 70s better. The actors seem more like they are having fun in front of a camera.

  7. One more thing, the author states: “I’m happy with the sex I have.” Obviously, her boyfriend ISN’T. And therein lies the problem.

    Not the porn. His need to take the staleness of the same old same old sex, juxtaposed with her her “I’m happy with what we always do. Why try anything new?” Myriad relationships do not survive this very quandary.

    And I don’t see the author as addressing THIS as the real issue.

  8. Porn is a fantasy.

    It is unrealistic almost by definition. How exiting would it be to see the woman struggle with her diaphragm or suddenly remember that today was the day to shove her Nuvaring in and then watch her position it for 20 minutes? During the shoot? Sexy. I have, however, seen plenty of porn where the man is using a condom, and a few where intravaginal spermicides were used. I have also seen some where obvious Tubal Ligation and Vasectomy scars are seen on the models. All porn is not devoid of birth control.

    As for bestiality WHY does everyone who has ANY issue with ANY form of sexuality, from homosexuality to pornography HAVE to compare it to having sex with animals? Bestiality is wrong because it is sex without CONSENT. Because an animal simply CANNOT give consent and without consent, of course it’s creepy and wrong. However, I’ve seen a lot of porn and never actually seen any of this stuff.

    Yeah, there are unrealistic things in porn. Baldly shorn pubes, too many fake breasts, bleached anuses (yep) but a lot of porn is made for men, and that’s the kind of stuff that OBVIOUSLY sells, or they wouldn’t continue to make it. My Man and I prefer “Vintage Porn” from the 70s and 80s, because this stuff is not that common.

    The creating of a porn movie is no more akin to real life sex than the creating of ANY movie is to any form of real life situations. Too many takes, camera tricks and time lapses to make things different, a script, unrealistic relationships, treating the actors like “objects.” It is no different in ANY Hollywood studio where a G PG PG13 or R rated movie is being made.

    Movies ARE fantasies. Unless you watch, what is in my opinion, horrible “amateur do it yourself porn” where people are ugly and pimply and wiggly in the wrong places, and take to long to change positions, and they miss the Money Shot, because the camera was on a tripod and his back was turned, you are gonna get Fantasy Sex in well made porn.

    People want to see attractive people who are GOOD at sex and seem to enjoy it in a pornographic movie. NO, you aren’t watching it to see an Oscar Grade performance, you watch it because it enhances your horny. I don’t see why the author would expect anything else.

    If she doesn’t care for ALL porn, that’s fine. There are so many different types, that there is nearly something for everybody, but she has every right not to like it and not to watch it. BUT, does she expect to really change anyone else’s mind about it? I doubt that this article could do that.

    Does PORN “make” her boyfriend “annoying” (NO) or is that just the way he IS and is he simply wanting a little spice in their sex life? I doubt porn is “making” him want a damn thing he doesn’t want anyway.

    “What do you think about a threesome? Can I come on your face? Can we do double penetration? Can I use all five of our sex toys on you at once? Can we have sex while wearing masks?” Outside of the threesome, which might have some residual issues on their relationship (depending on each one’s tolerance factor and jealousy rating) none of the stuff he is asking for is out of the ordinary for a lot of people. (And You only have FIVE sex toys?) I’m wondering why someone so inhibited is dating a man who is NOT inhibited, and so uninhibited that he — USED TO MAKE PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIES.

    I find it VERY odd that this author has so many problems with pornography and sexual experimentation BUT is LIVING WITH a “former porn star.” WTF?

    Cancel her subscription, this lady has enough issues.

  9. love and pornography are opposed i notice when im in love i cant stand porn ,why is this?

  10. Ha! You sound like me, Living in Texas, when I was about 14 years old. I remember saying that sex was only for making babies and having a baptist Sunday school teacher ask me, “If it’s only for making babies, then why would God make it so enjoyable? Don’t you think he likes for us to be happy?” She certainly had one hell of a point. Not to mention quite a bit of mental and emotional intimacy can be wrapped up with sex, so it definitely goes beyond just the physical.
    As for the main topic. I can sympathize. I don’t care for porn either. It’s a huge turn-off. I’d much rather have sex than watch it. I also don’t care for husband to look at it, but I certainly won’t tell him not to. I just ask that he keeps it discreet. I think limiting one’s partner’s outlets for their fantasy life can cause a lot of resentment. I like occasional erotic literature and I know I would be more than upset if my husband would try to ban me from reading whatever I want.
    And no, it’s not an issue of having not seen the ‘right’ porn as so many claim. I’ve seen porn since I was six, and I still prefer my imagination.

  11. This whole article took a very strange twist, in my eyes! At first, I didn’t want to write in any comments because I didn’t want to make the author feel worse than it appears she already does, but, seems to me that having a significant other in the industry has turned her off to it for some of the reasons outlined and some underlying ones not mentioned. As Joey Jackson tried to state, it’s partly a “control” issue in some relationships. As if women, since they have the final say when it comes to “having” sex, they seem to have the attitude that every intimate moment has to be on their terms (even the ones that a husband/boyfriend has with himself) (And I am NOT saying I agree with disrespecting one’s partner). This is the real issue that destroys some personal relationships. The women, talking only about her feelings (and not accepting their partners or relegating their partners basic, sometimes not pretty, drives to the closet) and the men either acquiessing, leaving or starting affairs because they are made to feel their desires are too uncouth to be acceptable. I’m not saying women shouldn’t have feelings, I’m just saying that sometimes it seems like those “feelings” are just a veiled ploy at gaining complete control in the bedroom. There has to be give and take in every aspect of a relationship for it to be truly satisfying to both. I also wanted to add commentary/rebuttal to “Living in Texas”…Sex is NOT just for making babies! The Discovery Channel should make you aware of that. If the statement is made that it’s only natural to have sex to have babies, then you should also understand it’s only natural to have sex for pleasure, as well as a lot of other reasons (and it does occur in the animal kingdom with various species for various reasons beyond making babies). That’s basic and we are more than animals, but still animals, nonetheless.

  12. …..Some info on the Pink cross org

    Pink Cross Foundation was founded on January 24, 2008 by former porn actress Shelley Lubben and her husband Garrett Lubben. Shelley began working with adult industry workers in 2002 when she began volunteering as a teacher and counselor at local rescue missions and prisons in the State of California.

    Shelley has worked at Madera Rescue Mission, Bakersfield Rescue Mission, Central California Women’s Facility Prison, and Valley State Prison for Women. Having a passion to reach out to adult industry workers all over the world, she was stirred to action and put up a web site in 2004 sharing her story and the truth about the abuse she experienced in the porn industry.

    Unprepared for the overwhelming response she received from the public, she realized something more had to be done about the destruction pornography was inflicting upon adult industry workers and the general public. She also realized, God had called her to expose the filthy and abusive porn industry and to be unafraid and unrelenting.

    Inspired by the Spirit of God, she and her husband Garrett founded Pink Cross Foundation to reach out to adult industry workers offering emotional, financial and transitional support to those who want out of porn and also help for those struggling with pornography and other victims of pornography. Pink Cross Foundation was officially incorporated on January 24, 2008.

    Shelley currently travels internationally and speaks on the negative effects of pornography urging people to stop contributing to the porn industry while also inspiring them to live the amazing lives God has for them.

    Learn more about Shelley here.

    Porn is not glamorous. Get the facts. Get help.

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