Dear Dr. Kate: Is My BF Too Big for Intercourse?

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City and she answers your medical questions here every few weeks. To ask her your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Kate,

I’ve started seeing this new guy who has a very wide, very long penis. The first time we had intercourse it took minutes for us to inch his penis all the way inside of me. The ensuing sex was uncomfortable and it only took me ten minutes to get too sore to continue. I feel like we did everything correctly: foreplay was thorough and I was super aroused, we used a water-based lube, and we took things really slowly. The second time we tried intercourse, the same thing happened. We’ve tried both missionary and girl-on-top. I don’t have any STDs or other vaginal issues that make sex uncomfortable in general. I just can’t seem to accommodate his size! Is it possible that we just don’t “fit” together? Will I get used to it as we keep trying? Is there something I should be doing differently?

— Tight Fit

Dear T.F.,

When aroused, the average vaginal length is about 5-7 inches. So if a gal’s partner is longer than that, then good foreplay, lube, and going slowly are generally necessary for comfort. Which means that so far you have done everything right! In addition, you might want to try sex on your sides, to limit the depth of penetration as much as possible. And definitely avoid doggy-style! You could also try putting your hand on the base of his shaft to keep him from entering you up to the hilt. You should keep trying to find a way to make it work — you may find, for example, that intercourse is more comfortable at different points in your menstrual cycle — though it is possible that he may just be too large for deep thrusting intercourse. In which case, you may have to experiment with ways where he doesn’t fully enter you.

On a final note, just for the sake of perspective: ten minutes of intercourse doesn’t sound like that short of a time to me. I know some women enjoy a long session of intercourse, but ten minutes isn’t nothing. Perhaps instead of thinking of intercourse as the main course, you should be thinking of it as the dessert at the end of an already satisfying meal. In fact, I bet that a lot more women would enjoy sex if they started thinking of intercourse in this way!

Good luck,

— Dr. Kate

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City. She also lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. Check out more of her advice and ask her a question at

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51 Comments on "Dear Dr. Kate: Is My BF Too Big for Intercourse?"

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2 months 20 days ago

My husband
and I want to try a dildo with an 8 inch girth I’m a bit worried it will hurt have you got any advice on how to safely insert this monster

Even Happier W Mr Avg
2 months 30 days ago

The very best lubricant–without a doubt–is saliva. Dated a guy who was very large, 8.5 – 9 inches long, could barely wrap my fingers around it. Pardon my frank verbiage, but there’s no way to sugar coat this. He would put so much saliva inside of me through oral sex that I was wetter than any lubricant could have provided. Also, when I would go down on him, I would try to deep throat him, which triggers a very thick and slimy saliva to come up. I would make sure that covered him completely. Then between the two of our efforts, we went on to have mind-blowing amazing sex. Oh, and also, he was well aware of the fact that if it hurts for the girl, and she’s not enjoying it, he’s not going to get off. So he took his time entering me. And he would go very slowly in and out while I adjusted to his size. Before you knew it, we were going at it like crazy and never any pain. And some days, we’d do this 5 or 6 times a day. No exaggeration. And this from a girl who use to worry that I had a shortened canal because I had painful sex with my ex-bf that was half his size. It’s all about technique. So even though the guy turned out to BE a huge dick, he sure as hell knew how to use his 😉

4 months 15 days ago

Dear dr.
I’m dating this guy for 9months.
Our first sex was so good and epic..and he has the bigger pennis..when his penis enter my’s not painful.but after 2minutes it feels like he’s hurting me…he always enjoys but i don’t..yesterday it was painful my vagina became dry..and he wanted to force it.later after 30minutes it became wet n we continued but i couldn’t go further i was itching…i don’t think i still want to be with him,he has a big pennis and it hurts me i dont enjoy sex at all.

1 year 4 months ago

FYI, porn stars don’t have the biggest penises.
If you have a very big penis that doesn’t force you to become a porn star. However, bad self esteem may.
You may want to live a normal life even if you have an
unusually large penis.

Paul Isaac
1 year 11 months ago

Ok, so I was looking on the internet about being too big for my partner, and I found this thread. At twenty five, I’ve only recently been with a second woman. She is thirty one, six years older than me, and told me that I was too big for her. For the record, my penis is eight FEET long, and twenty six inches in circumference, not really, I’m being facetious.

So, on to my story. I come across this message board, and as far as message boards go, this one seemed to have a lot of information. So I read, and found a bunch of insecure men and woman rambling on and on about who has the bigger penis, or maybe who can sway the tide of public opinion against the statements of a woman who likes big dick. Some like it hot, some like it cold, but is everyone on the internet twelve years old?

The answer to that is debatable, but it surprises me how much energy people are willing to put into an argument with a person that you will never meet. Maybe it’s just my Asperger’s talking, but can’t you find something else to argue about? I’m sure there’s a lot of people who have small pricks and feel bad about it, likely, they aren’t looking for advice for men who have the opposite problem.

We don’t choose our bodies, but we do choose our words. I try to choose mine carefully, but some people seem to think that directly attacking another person is called for. Does it make you feel better that you won your argument? If it does, does it make you angry when you lose? Personally, I want to be wrong, because you can’t learn a thing if you’re always right. Some of you take this waaay too seriously, and would probably best be served to follow a bit of advice.

Who am I to give advice? Nobody really, not to you anyways, but I do like to think of myself as a thinker. I ponder things, and instead of making conclusions: It’s my goal to break conclusions. I’m not trying to defame anyone, merely help them. and that is part of my advice.

There are two types of emotions, constructive and destructive, laughter can be destructive, and anger can be constructive, but in the Buddhist philosophy: Any emotion that clouds your perspective is afflicted. So, when we practice our mindfulness meditation, we become more able to recognize these afflicted states.

As someone with Asperger’s, I’ve taken a great interest in how the human mind uses emotions, so I can better understand both my own emotions, and yours. Sadly, many people will see everything as an attack against them because they are in an afflicted state, ie a bad mood. My advice? Stop taking everything so personally, and realize that everyone has their own issues to work through, and the size of your penis, or your lovers penis, is hardly important in the scope of things.

What is important is how we treat others, even with anonymity, because negativity seems to have a tendency to reverberate and even multiply. The unibomber, and other people who are hurt and hurt others because of it, like the trench-coat mafia, are hurt because people who are fully capable take no personally responsibility in resolving thing like mature adults.

There may be a man out there with an 8.5×8 inch penis, and it may or may not be painful, but mine is several feet longer, so neener neener. I can wrap mine around my neck like a scarf, and use it to hammer nails and put out fires, really big fires. Also, I use it to club big game to death when my bullet doesn’t do the trick. It’s a very handy tool, but when it comes to sex, It’s pretty much useless. I hope you can appreciate my rather dry and sarcastic humor.

As much of a study as I have made on people, they still confuse me. I’m confused because I really don’t understand why anyone would argue about anything with someone that will clearly not be swayed. Not only are you wasting you time, but you are wasting something much much more valuable. After having read through all of this, which did contain some helpful information consequently, I’ve come to realize that I have been bumped down at least one standard deviation in my intelligence quotient. That is what the internet does to me, it makes me more stupid. Why? Because I look for answers to specific questions, and invariably find myself wading through a pile of refuse in order to dig a few little gems out.

It wasn’t until I had read a hundred million words that I felt I had enough knowledge to meaningfully contribute to a conversation. It is my humble opinion that if everyone would read so many opinions, theories, and “facts” before they claim to know something: They would actually be constructive, instead of destructive.

That being said, you’re all idiots, and so am I to have invested this much energy into explaining how little any of us know, and how gigantically proportioned my penis is. Seriously, I sometime wonder if I am in fact an alien, because I seem to be one of only a few people that doesn’t think with their ego. It’s not about you being right, or wrong, or this person attacking that person. It’s about doing your best to be the best you can be, and helping others do they same. Excuse me while I swing my member over my should so I can walk out the door without tripping on it. Again, I’m being facetious, and I think some people take thing too seriously. Did I say some people? I meant nearly every person that spends their time arguing with people who are always right.

In conclusion, I think that a lot of people should just shut up, and try to listen instead of always trying to prove how correct they are. If you listen instead of talk, you might find that most everything that any of us believes is complete garbage. So stop spewing garbage out of your mouth, and look for the gems. Eventually we can clean up these streets that way, but knowing people as I do: It’s extremely unlikely that anyone will even correctly interpret what I have stated here today. I think that pretty much everyone is ignorant, myself included. But I find it kind of funny, and I find it kind of sad, that so many people can be so certain that they are willing to attack, defame, or even kill for their certainty. Someday, people like me will rule this world, and those people will make you turn off the TV and read a book, something that will help you understand a bit about how to treat people with compassion and understanding, the two things that must be fostered in a just and moral society. Unless of course I’m wrong, maybe we just need bigger dicks and bigger bombs and we’ll all be happy. Oh, and don’t forget the piles of green paper, maybe you can burn it as society crumbles around you because you neglected to even care about each-other, but what do I know? I’m just twenty five, and I’m nowhere near smart enough to say for certain, but at least one of the people reading this needs to read it, which is why I’m posting. Please, stop, being, so, so, vocabulary don’t fail me now, capriciously righteous. Have a happy holiday season and ponder these words, if you dare.