Dear Dr. Kate: Is My BF Too Big for Intercourse?

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City and she answers your medical questions here every few weeks. To ask her your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Kate,

I’ve started seeing this new guy who has a very wide, very long penis. The first time we had intercourse it took minutes for us to inch his penis all the way inside of me. The ensuing sex was uncomfortable and it only took me ten minutes to get too sore to continue. I feel like we did everything correctly: foreplay was thorough and I was super aroused, we used a water-based lube, and we took things really slowly. The second time we tried intercourse, the same thing happened. We’ve tried both missionary and girl-on-top. I don’t have any STDs or other vaginal issues that make sex uncomfortable in general. I just can’t seem to accommodate his size! Is it possible that we just don’t “fit” together? Will I get used to it as we keep trying? Is there something I should be doing differently?

— Tight Fit

Dear T.F.,

When aroused, the average vaginal length is about 5-7 inches. So if a gal’s partner is longer than that, then good foreplay, lube, and going slowly are generally necessary for comfort. Which means that so far you have done everything right! In addition, you might want to try sex on your sides, to limit the depth of penetration as much as possible. And definitely avoid doggy-style! You could also try putting your hand on the base of his shaft to keep him from entering you up to the hilt. You should keep trying to find a way to make it work — you may find, for example, that intercourse is more comfortable at different points in your menstrual cycle — though it is possible that he may just be too large for deep thrusting intercourse. In which case, you may have to experiment with ways where he doesn’t fully enter you.

On a final note, just for the sake of perspective: ten minutes of intercourse doesn’t sound like that short of a time to me. I know some women enjoy a long session of intercourse, but ten minutes isn’t nothing. Perhaps instead of thinking of intercourse as the main course, you should be thinking of it as the dessert at the end of an already satisfying meal. In fact, I bet that a lot more women would enjoy sex if they started thinking of intercourse in this way!

Good luck,

— Dr. Kate

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City. She also lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. Check out more of her advice and ask her a question at Gynotalk.com.

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53 Comments on "Dear Dr. Kate: Is My BF Too Big for Intercourse?"

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I truly appreciate this post. I have been looking all over for this! Thank goodness I found it on Bing. You’ve made my day! Thanks again!


My last boyfriend was the largest I’ve been with., (8 inches and thick). It hurt and took a while to get used to him but well worth the pain later.


My husband
and I want to try a dildo with an 8 inch girth I’m a bit worried it will hurt have you got any advice on how to safely insert this monster

Even Happier W Mr Avg
Even Happier W Mr Avg
The very best lubricant–without a doubt–is saliva. Dated a guy who was very large, 8.5 – 9 inches long, could barely wrap my fingers around it. Pardon my frank verbiage, but there’s no way to sugar coat this. He would put so much saliva inside of me through oral sex that I was wetter than any lubricant could have provided. Also, when I would go down on him, I would try to deep throat him, which triggers a very thick and slimy saliva to come up. I would make sure that covered him completely. Then between the two of our… Read more »

Dear dr.
I’m dating this guy for 9months.
Our first sex was so good and epic..and he has the bigger pennis..when his penis enter my vagina..it’s not painful.but after 2minutes it feels like he’s hurting me…he always enjoys but i don’t..yesterday it was painful my vagina became dry..and he wanted to force it.later after 30minutes it became wet n we continued but i couldn’t go further i was itching…i don’t think i still want to be with him,he has a big pennis and it hurts me i dont enjoy sex at all.


FYI, porn stars don’t have the biggest penises.
If you have a very big penis that doesn’t force you to become a porn star. However, bad self esteem may.
You may want to live a normal life even if you have an
unusually large penis.

Paul Isaac
Ok, so I was looking on the internet about being too big for my partner, and I found this thread. At twenty five, I’ve only recently been with a second woman. She is thirty one, six years older than me, and told me that I was too big for her. For the record, my penis is eight FEET long, and twenty six inches in circumference, not really, I’m being facetious. So, on to my story. I come across this message board, and as far as message boards go, this one seemed to have a lot of information. So I read,… Read more »