10/16/09
Dear Em & Lo: He’s Mr. Perfect. Except for the Sex

couple_bench_421photo by jeroen_bennink

Dear Em & Lo,

This may sound pathetic, but the guy I am dating is perfect for me, I love him and want him as my husband, but I don’t really enjoy our sex life.  It’s two and a half years in and I don’t think it’s going to get much better.  I know what I could have in that department and even where to get it, it’s just not with my BF.  Is the only way forward to get out and wait for everything to be perfect?   My mom, of course, wants me to get married, but I am only 27 and don’t want to spend the next 20 years thinking about being unfaithful, which has happened once already.  Please, which way is up?

— Can’t Get No Satisfaction

Dear C.G.N.S.,

Hmm…looks like we disagree on our definitions of “perfect.” Where we come from, “perfect” means someone who complements you emotionally, spiritually, physically — the whole soulmate package, ya know? It sounds like your guy would make a perfect platonic soulmate…but it doesn’t sound like that’s going to satisfy you.

If we were your mom, we would tell you that 27 is too young to settle for less than a soulmate. Hell, 47 is too young to settle for less than a soulmate. And we’re not even talking perfect soulmates, here — just strong, solid relationships without huge gaping holes in them. After all, good relationships are built on compromise — but there’s a big difference between compromise and settling. And marrying a guy who totally doesn’t do it for you in the sack is definitely settling, especially at 27.

We’re assuming from your letter that you’ve tried everything already — communication, experimentation, etc. — to improve your sex life. If not, then that’s obviously your first step. If this guy is all that you say he is, he clearly deserves a chance to satisfy you. Does he even know how unhappy you are in bed? If you’re not ready to let him go, then your one chance of making things work is addressing the issue together. Gently. You might even want to consider seeing a counselor together for a bit of guidance.

Also, make sure you’re being realistic about sex and long-term relationships. That awesome sexual excitement you get from a new love wears off after about two years (studies have actually proven it). And often, what makes sex exciting is the taboo, the new, the unknown. You have to work hard to hold on to those things in a long-term relationship, but they are automatic with a one-night stand/a fling/a booty call/someone you just start seeing — because it’s uncharted territory. Take this mysterious third party you know you can get hot lovin’ from — are you sure the main reason it’s so hot isn’t simply because he’s forbidden? Imagine what it would be like in a long-term relationship with this sex machine two and a half years from now. Would there even be a relationship?

We’d go into more detail, except that we have a feeling it’s more than just a lack of communication or realism on your part. You obviously know what sexual chemistry is and it sounds like you and your boyfriend don’t have even a smidge of it. Plus, it sounds like sexual chemistry is really important to you — some people could take it or leave it, but if you’re thinking about a life of infidelity just to get that chemistry, then you’re not one of those people. In which case, poppet, DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! Sure, in the course of decades of marriage, your attraction to your spouse may come and go — eventually, when you’re old and grey, it may well go and never come back. But that’s a long way off, so if the chemistry isn’t there in the first place, what hope do you two have of making it in this cold cruel world? Especially if you’ve already cheated on your guy once.

Do yourself — and this awesome guy — a favor: if some communication, experimentation, and a roll of bondage tape don’t create a little more heat between you two, then let him go. Don’t worry about what your mom says: She’ll get over your breakup a hell of a lot more quickly than she would your divorce from him five years from now. And as everybody else’s mom would say: Plenty more fish in the sea.

IOHO,

Em & Lo

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13 Comments on "Dear Em & Lo: He’s Mr. Perfect. Except for the Sex"

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Madamoiselle L
Madamoiselle L
6 years 5 months ago
Lela, things like this are why I always say, “Ladies first.” Have him bring you to orgasm by oral sex or some other way BEFORE you start any intercourse. A lot of couples do it this way, for good reason. Kurt said, “After I’ve climaxed, I am not ready for more, but relatively quick in the “man down” situation as you put it. So, after I’ve come, there is…. no more action possible.” There IS action possible, maybe not penis action, (After all, YOU just came, she didn’t. This isn’t about just YOU.) but your MOUTH and hands are still… Read more »
Lisa
Lisa
6 years 6 months ago
It depends on how important sex is to you. Most women don’t make it as important as most men do. Me however, I’m different. If the sex is bad, or if we are not on the same page as far as our sex drives then I am out. The relationship is a waste of time. Why? Because its not superfical to recognize how important sex is to a relationship. It is not just physical. Its a way of emotional bonding and if someone is frustrated it really effects your relationship in every way. I saw move on find someone who… Read more »
Kurt Frock
Kurt Frock
6 years 6 months ago
Lela, being a man, please let me try to bring some light into this. First of all: I do not know about your ages and I do not know if what I experience and my problems apply to your situation. After I’ve climaxed, I am not ready for more, but relatively quick in the “man down” situation as you put it. So, after I’ve come, there is – at least for the next couple of minutes / quarters of hours – no more action possible. Having said that, I’d like to address the “it takes too long” issue. Even though… Read more »
tmcc
tmcc
6 years 6 months ago
I was this girl 20 years ago. I am now divorced. If there is no chemistry now, THERE NEVER WILL BE – you can’t manufacture it! Without a satisfying sex life, you will feel alone and misunderstood in your marriage, no matter how kind and wonderful your husband is. Sex is a balm that sweetens your life together. It buffers out the rough edges along the way bringing you together to console each other when life is rough and to celebrate when life is great and to add interest when life is dull. A marriage without satisfying sex is hollow… Read more »
laughingtiger
laughingtiger
6 years 7 months ago
lela, i believe you must have gotten your information slightly mixed up; it’s not that only a small percentage of women can orgasm, it’s that only a small percentage of women can orgasm THROUGH VAGINAL STIMULATION ALONE. that just means you have to throw some clitoral stimulation in the mix! that’s the key to setting off the fireworks. don’t be afraid to touch yourself, whether it’s with your hands or with a toy. if you can come by masturbation, you can come during intercourse. practice, practice, practice! also, it’s extremely bad form for your boyfriend to just leave you hanging… Read more »
Lela
Lela
6 years 7 months ago
Wow I love the feedback from you guys you all seem to know what you’re talking about so could you help me out too? I have a similar problem, the topic is the same but the problem is different. My boyfriend gets SO excited about my performance when I’m on top of him that he cums in like what 10 minutes!? You see when he does cum he’s ready for more but then all of a sudden I have to pee. Then when I get back let’s just say “man down” I understand my situation but for him I don’t… Read more »
Stephanie
Stephanie
6 years 7 months ago

This is totally my life! I married an amazing man, the best man any woman could ever hope for! But the first couple of years our sex life was less than thrilling. So I figured out how to ask for what I wanted, and ask for what he wanted. It was a little awkward at first, but trust me, totally worth it! Now I have the man that is perfect for me, in life and in the bedroom!

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