1/4/12
Dear Em & Lo: How Do I Tell My BF He Sucks at Oral?

photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I’m 21, he’s 28. He’s the only person to ever perform oral sex on me, so while I have no one to compare him too, I know that he is bad at oral sex. He pushes his entire face on my lady region and just moves side to side, as if that is supposed to feel good. He hardly uses his tongue and I don’t think he even understands he needs to focus on the clit. After 3 years, I have no idea how to tell him that he’s not doing it right. Help!
— Suffering in Silence

Dear SiS,

Oh dear. We’re tempted to tell you to dump this guy and start over with a new one, because it’s a million times harder to teach an old partner new tricks. This is in large part because there’s no easy way to say, “You’ve been screwing up for three years and I just never got around to telling you.” How would his ego ever recover from such a blow? How would he ever know to trust your sexual response in bed again? This is why we emphasize again and again and again the importance of communication in bed from the out-set — not to mention the importance of never faking.

But maybe he’s a good guy. Maybe you really love him. We’re going to assume you do, as there’s obviously a reason you stuck with him despite godawful oral. First off, it’s important that you lose the attitude (are we wrong in sensing a little attitude in the phrase as if that is supposed to feel good?). How on earth is he supposed to know what feels good if you never tell him? Maybe his last girlfriend didn’t like clitoral attention during oral (some ladies don’t) and that’s why he’s shying away from yours. Or maybe no woman has ever had the decency to tell him how to do it, which means he’s flailing away down there like a wind-up toy.

Once you’ve accepted that you’re as much, if not more, to blame as he is, you can start your gentle campaign to reeducate him. The next time he goes down on you, ask him — as if it’s a thought that just occurred to you — to focus on your clitoris. When he gets there, give him feedback — faster, slower, harder, softer, a little to the left, etc. And when he gets it right, go crazy with the positive feedback:  moan, call his name, say yes, whatever works for you. The next time he goes down on you, offer a different specific suggestion of something he might try. Again, guide him gently and go nuts when he gets it right. Don’t try to change his entire approach in one session — after all, you’ve waited three years, what’s another few weeks?

Oh, and next time you’re going down on him, why not ask what he’d like you to do? Just in case, you know, he’s been suffering in silence for three years too. Kidding! (Sort of.)

— Em & Lo



45 Comments

  1. It’s 2021 as I post this. I wonder if the OP ended up leaving or better training her boyfriend.

  2. Not everyone likes the same thing, so your best bet is to tell him how you like it! If you dont speak up how his he suppose to know.

  3. If i am not interested in a guy i will not give him any instructions, If it is a one night stand I will give all instructions cos i don’t care what he thinks about me being too bossy or hurting his feelings.
    In a relationship I go about it differently, I make it sound like I am helping him rather than saying that was not right. Like “I love it when you do …. ”
    But then I am also a girl who will ask a guy for feed back on my BJ technique

  4. I read a book called “Secretly Teach Him” by MoeJr it has you do things like guide him with your fingers etc. He won’t even know what your doing. My husband had not a clue, and when I got so excited the next time it was the first place he went. and now OMG! is all I can say.

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  6. MY NAME IS DEBORAH WALLACE FROM HOUSTON,TEXAS.I NEVER BELIEVED IN LOVE SPELLS OR MAGIC UNTIL I MET THIS SPELL CASTER ONCE

    WHEN I WENT TO AFRICA IN JANUARY LAST YEAR ON A BUSINESS SUMMIT. HE IS REALLY POWERFUL AND COULD HELP CAST SPELLS TO BRING

    BACK ONE’S GONE,LOST,MISBEHAVING LOVER AND MAGIC MONEY SPELL OR SPELL FOR A GOOD JOB.I’M NOW HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS

    THE MAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON

    FOR 2YEARS… I REALLY LOVED HIM, BUT HIS MOTHER WAS AGAINST US AND HE HAD NO GOOD PAYING JOB. SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL

    CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED,SKEPTICAL AND

    DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY. AND IN 7 DAYS WHEN I RETURNED TO TEXAS, MY BOYFRIEND(NOW HUSBAND) CALLED ME BY HIMSELF

    AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING THAT EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SETTLED WITH HIS MOM AND FAMILY AND HE GOT A NEW JOB INTERVIEW SO WE

    SHOULD GET MARRIED..I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT COS THE SPELL CASTER ONLY ASKED FOR MY NAME AND MY BOYFRIENDS NAME AND ALL I WANTED

    HIM TO DO… WELL WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED NOW AND WE ARE EXPECTING OUR LITTLE KID,AND MY HUSBAND ALSO GOT THE NEW JOB AND OUR

    LIVES BECAME MUCH BETTER. IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS THE SPELL CASTER FOR SOME HELP, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS

    [email protected]….

  7. I have read all these entries and I like some of the suggestions however… My boyfriend and I just moved in together after a year or so and even though it has been hard to keep communication about these things going (he grew up very oppressed and shy) I have gently but directly brought up that I am not happy in this area of the bedroom, I have told him higher up, to the left but no matter what I do he just doesn’t seem to get it. He thinks my uretheal hole is my clit half the time even though we have had a conversation about this and I have shown him by playing with myself and moving his hand on my clit. He dives in and is too rough. Despite all my careful, respectful, tip toeing approaches and direct ones too he just doesn’t seem to get it. I think it is a confidence thing but I don’t know what to do!!!!!

  8. im not sure if you or him are into this type of thing but… you can tie his hands to the bed or something and just sit that wonderful region right on his face, i know i love when my girl does that to me… then you will have full control over where he licks because he will not be able to move his head as much as he would like. You could focus his tounge on whatever part of you that you would like. Trust me, he will go nuts after you do this, and so will you!

  9. as a dude I can co-sign on this message. I WAS going to suggest you tell him he’s doing it wrong as a joke when you’re like watching TV or something where he doesn’t have to react to it. The idea being you can tell him. He can receive it and he doesn’t have to feel compelled to respond angrily as if you’ve insulted him.

    But still next time he’s by himself or before happy happy joy joy time he’ll mentally reconsider and perhaps try something new. Or possibly pretend to be upset and demand you tell him how to do it right.

    That’s how I would respond. But honestly the advice given would also work on me and I can’t say for sure but I might be even less butt hurt over it.

  10. Dr. Mountbank, even though generations of women everywhere would appreciate and benefit from you teaching classes to young men some may misunderstand and think you are a perv. Don’t get arrested!

  11. Dr. Mountbank, I praise your intellect and how you managed to keep a subject like this lighthearted and sexy, but still a bit mature 🙂 While over viewing the comments, I was disgusted to find out how many people seemed to be high or on a shorthand rampage to talk as swiftly as they could about how good they were in bed! Alas, younger men cannot be like you, but for the sake of our future generation, I beg you to teach a class in this. And have fun helping women to “have fun”!

  12. In response to “The Cunning Linguist Says:
    January 24th, 2012 at 3:02 pm”

    Wow. You wanna get any cockier? You go on about how much you know and how well you do it… And then you go on to mention the gap in your front teeth. WOW. Just, wow. I squirmed when I read that. I have no idea what the hell it is that you do with your ‘gap’ but for the love of god, keep it away from my clitoris!!!!!!!!!! Sorry to break it to u buddy, but I think it’s better coming from a stranger on the Internet than a future lover. Your gap teeth are NOT, repeat… NOT an advantage for going down on a woman and they should not be used as a tool to aid your job. Tongue, lips, hands. When you’re down there… Keep it soft! Tongue, lips, hands. Repeat after me …. Tongue, lips, hands. Teeth = ouch. Yes, even gappy teeth!

  13. cashliew, Wow I really hope you don’t marry this man. If he isn’t going to satisfy you now and is as selfish as he is, it will only be worse later on. What makes you think you can’t find someone who will make you feel special and enjoy making you feel good? Don’t marry this guy!

  14. WOW…
    Reading so many of these comments –
    Here is “MY” story – I love going down on my wife of over 20 years….and I’m one for always trying to keep it real and keep it fresh…BUT she thinks it’s ALL up to me.
    You can’t just lie there and expect a lick here and a lick there and bam…your flying high.
    She says she’s ‘told me what she likes’…and in MY MIND I’m doing what she says…but guess not…
    Told her for years that I would love nothing more than make her scream and climax (it has happened on a few (very few times) –
    ((IF I just lied there and did’t get in the mood / help and move her oral wouldn’t get me over the top))
    And for the records – every other woman in my life I could easily get them over the top each and every time….
    Good Luck to all that try – Me I’m getting tired of trying without any feed back and even if you have to tell me 1,000 times are you happy that you have a man willing to try and try and try

  15. cashliew,
    I agree with smittenkitten. it’s time to get out. if a man can disregard your needs sexually, he’ll disregard you in everything else. how much can he possibly love you when he doesn’t even care about you enjoying the most intimate part of a relationship between a man and a woman. I had a husband like that. I loved him so much(or i thought i loved him- but i found out that i am SO much happier without him) He was so selfish. He did things that upset me during sex. I told him that i was sexually abused and that he was doing things that the abuser had done to me. He said “sorry, that’s just my style. I can’t change my style” but it wasn’t just sex. his selfishness was in everything that he did. we saw movies HE wanted to see, but not what i wanted to see- unless he wanted to see it too. we ate at restaurants that he wanted to eat at and never where i wanted to eat. we spent our money on the things he wanted to spend it on usually. when we spent money on things I wanted, He was sweet and manipulative about it and made me feel guilty about it. If someone can be selfish in the Most intimate moment a couple can share he will be selfish in almost every other aspect of your relationship.

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