Dear Em & Lo: I Hate Receiving BJs

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a guy and I hate getting blowjobs. Maybe it’s because I had a few too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences or I’m just a little too sensitive down there, but when a girl starts kissing me all the way down, I grit my teeth and prepare for the worst. It’s finally to the point where I simply flat-out tell the woman whose head is drifting that way to save the energy for other things. The only problem is, now I’m in a committed relationship and my girlfriend feels like it’s her fault I don’t like it, which is entirely untrue. She says she feels guilty when I go down on her and she can’t get me off in return. I’ve been very clear about it but occasionally she will try to surprise me with a “gift” BJ, and I don’t have the heart to tell her no, even though it usually ends up leaving my johnson useless and uncomfortable without any of the pleasure I’m sure other guys get from it. How can I keep her from going down on me? And please don’t tell me to count my blessings because every guy would love it. I’m a guy and I do not.

— Sam I Am

Dear Sam I Am,

Wow. Consider us speechless. We hate to make generalizations when it comes to sex, but if we were forced at gun-point to make just one generalization about sex, it would probably be that every guy enjoys receiving oral sex. And we’re pretty sure that our Wise Guys would have our back there.

But then here you are, and you do not like them, Sam I Am. Not in the dark! Not in a tree! Not in a car! You let me be!

Sorry, we’ll stop now. We’re sure that a useless, uncomfortable johnson is no laughing matter to you. It’s just that, as Julia Roberts once said, very few people surprise us. [Editor’s note: Em inserted that Pretty Woman reference; Lo takes zero responsibility for it.]

As far as our advice goes, we’re afraid it’s pretty simple: You’ve got to be blunt and tell your girlfriend, Dr. Seuss-like, that you don’t like BJs ever. Anywhere. On any occasion. You’ve got to be even more clear than you’ve already been. Keep repeating, over and over, that (a) you’re extremely sensitive and it actually hurts, and (b) this has always been the case for years and years. Reassure your girlfriend that the lack of oral in your life doesn’t bother you at all, and that you don’t feel like you’re missing out. Oh yeah, and make sure she knows that you actually like going down on her — it’s no duty, and you don’t feel like you need to be “repaid” for all your hard work down there.

That said, perhaps you can think of a different nice thing she can do for you in bed, for those times when she really wants to treat you. We understand how the lack of oral sex reciprocity might bother her — bless her, she’s obviously internalized the golden rule of sex! But explain that there are other things she could do that would make you much happier and more turned on. Like, for example…well, that’s your department. Perhaps it’s a back massage or a light spank on the bum or a nipple tweak or just a certain position you really dig. Basically, you need to let her know what sort of “gift” you’d enjoy.

Your only other option is to take advantage of this opportunity of being in a committed relationship and make double-extra-sure, via experimentation, that you really don’t like any blowjobs. If it really is a matter of too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences, then perhaps you can coach your girlfriend toward a BJ that works for you. After all, one of the upsides of a committed relationship is that you have plenty of time to practice and communicate your needs. Perhaps you could tell your girlfriend that you’re super-super-sensitive and have never enjoyed oral in the past, but if she’s willing to try a few different techniques, you’d be willing to lie back and be her lab rat. (And yes, we realize that 99.9% of the male population is currently laughing out loud at how preposterous this scenario sounds.) Tell her to steer clear of the extra-sensitive head, and to start with soft kisses and gentle licks around the outside, not even attempting to put your sensitive specimen in her mouth yet. Take small steps together and maybe you’ll start to enjoy them a little more. We say this simply because, from what we hear, BJs are a pretty fantastic experience for most men, and it’d be a shame if a few bad experiences in the past caused you to miss out on them for the rest of your life.

But, then again, no pressure. There’s no rule that says you have to like blowjobs. Plenty of women could care less about receiving cunnilingus, though they seem to have an easier time skipping it — perhaps because their partners aren’t quite as giving as your girlfriend. And, of course, plenty of women don’t like giving blowjobs (and would probably line up to date you should things not work out between you and your current GF). So while we’ll resist telling you to count your blessings because your girlfriend wants to give you a BJ, we will tell you to count your blessings because you have an awesome partner who wants to please you in bed. Now it’s up to you to let her know how she can do it. And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed.

Seussily yours,

Em & Lo


  1. Anyone who thinks ALL men like BJs is believing a false-narrative. I’m a dude, and I hate, I mean, HATE getting BJs. Not due to religious reasons, teeth, trust, insecurities, history of bad BJs, etc. No, it’s simply because it isn’t what turns me on. They do quite the opposite, actually. Imagine being in the throws of passion then suddenly your partner stops abruptly, sits up, and wants to talk politics or current-events. It’s like getting hit with a cold shower. THAT is what it’s like for me if my partner decides to “creative” and go down on me. For me, BJs lack intimacy, and is far too passive/boring to be a turn-on for me. “Lay back and relax” they say, well I actually went flaccid as I fell asleep once during one especially long drawn-out attempt when my date insisted that I “just needed to have one by a woman who knows what she is doing”. Rather than relive that experience, I now let women off the hook up front, by directly stating from the very beginning that BJs are not my thing. Honestly, every woman I’ve been with that I’ve stated this to, has seemed relieved as they ALL admit to me how much they hate giving them.

    1. Same here. Became flacid today on my date… Thing is, it seem to be important to her, and she said she needs this giving Bj foreplay to get off. So I’m trying to learn to like BJs, if that is possible… Any suggestions on how to go about this would be appreciated

      1. If you can’t find a way to enjoy BJ’s then you might have to just face the fact that you are sexually incompatible and part ways. But before you get there there are some things to try. Can you handle her licking it? Can you handle her rubbing it on her face and lips? Start slowly and have fun with it! Sex is for pleasure and enjoyment…relax and enjoy that SHE is enjoying your cock!
        Perhaps take more control. Maybe your problem is you don’t think you’ve got enough control.
        Be more aggressive, dominate her. Tell her to suck it, tell her to lick it, feed it into her mouth, slap her face with it. If she gets off on giving oral she’ll likely get off even more from the things I’m suggesting.

    2. I think people should open more of a narrative on oral sex! No one should EVER assume someone will or is supposed to like a certain sexual act. Not all women enjoy having someone go down on them, either. Humans naturally have different sexual desires. Oral sex can be great, but not for everyone! Thanks for sharing.

  2. The fact that the signature is “Sam I Am” and so many references were made throughout the answer makes this the most valuable anything I have found on the internet ever. Thank you.

  3. I’m a guy. I like giving oral. I get absolutely nothing from receiving it – as in, if I’m getting a blowjob, I’m losing my erection as fast as if I were just walking down the street.

    I’m kinda surprised. I really don’t like being the odd man out, and I don’t know how to explain it to my girlfriend either. She likes giving blowjobs a lot, but we’ve had the same problem with anal sex too, and I feel like our sexual compatibility is slipping even if it’s great everywhere else.

    I don’t feel as masculine as I probably should because of this. Two things that almost every guy loves, and they do nothing for me at all.

  4. You don’t know what you are talking about when you say that all men love fellatio. I don’t at all. My wife insists on it both ways. I refused fellatio for years but her demands finally broke me down.
    Naturally I have a physiological response to it. But I’d probably have a physiological response to having a vibrator jammed up my ass and I’m not about to let that shit get started. It was a mistake to let her ever fellate me in the first place. Now I can’t convice her to stop it.
    For a long time I managed to hold off (it’s not hard) and finish up in her vagina but once she managed to hold on to me and force me. I tried to pull away but she hung on. I felt raped. Being forced has left me so that I avoid sex with her until she insists. At least I have not allowed her to bring me to climax in her mouth again.
    Maybe there is a good woman out there who doesn’t want to do fellatio who I could trade her with her husband who loves fellatio? Just kidding (I think) but this is serious.

  5. You know what makes it easier to like something? Being able to choose freely whether to do it (or have it done to you). That means being pressured is not helpful. Whether it is “but everyone else loves it” peer pressure, some jackass saying you owe them, or some well-meaning person telling you to try try again.

    I appreciate people sharing their perspective on how, to them, a blow job is an act that does give the woman a lot of power and is not degrading. And sharing details on how they make it work for them. Good to know.

    But the stuff about how “sad” it is that someone doesn’t enjoy it and how they should try again because they must be getting it wrong. Maybe it’s not meant that way, but it’s pretty condescending. You may not have the same beliefs as the people who go around getting into others’ faces about how they’re going to hell if they don’t accept Jesus as their personal savior, but you’re pushing your views in the same patronizing way. That’s crossing a line.

    Everyone has different preferences, and that’s okay even if their preferences aren’t the same as “most people”. What’s most important in having a healthy attitude towards sex is not “trying everything” (though, if you want to, have at it), it’s knowing your own wants and needs and respecting the wants and needs of others (even if they differ from you).

  6. Wow! I’m still waiting to meet a man, who, like me, just does not like oral sex. At all. Ever. Giving or receiving. Why is this such a problem? Oral sex has become so fetishized in the past 20 years or so, people seem to be so obsessed with this, but I think it’s way overrated. Wish there were a support group fpr all of us who don’t like to go downtown.

  7. OMG! Im so glad to read this post to know im not alone. But my gf seem disappointed that she cant do a good job. 🙁 but its not her fault….

  8. A little late to the party here, but I’m another guy that doesn’t get off on oral.
    Frankly, if you told me I couldn’t have another blowjob again, I would not be sad.
    For me, it’s all to do with technique; most ladies seem to think that the porn style of gagging/deep throating is the way to go and it just isn’t.
    Plus, there’s the whole teeth aspect (I don’t think I’ve had one that hasn’t had a painful moment included).
    They’re seriously overrated…

  9. Wow. I need to get me a guy who hates oral. I found this site because I hate receiving but love giving. Thought there was something wrong with me. Like a previous poster said, it’s like I can’t sit back and enjoy something that I would not do myself. And I cant imagine ever performing cunninculus.

  10. The first time my girlfriend ever gave me a blowjob, it lasted about 5 seconds before i told her to stop, i didn’t “hate” the feeling, it just didn’t appeal to me. I very much love to give oral to a girl, but receiving it is a different story. The first time it happened, was just a horrible experience, lets just say she couldn’t get me off herself. To me, Intercourse is so much better than oral.

  11. I don’t like bj’s either. But because of the popular perception it’s hard to convince women you are serious. I actually had to sit my my wife down and promise me to never go down on me again. She never breaks her promises so when I made her do that she realised I was serious.

    I find it demeans the woman, it awkward, sloppy and the sensations are mainly sucking and licking. Instead I just LOVE hand jobs.

  12. I thought I was alone, I never really liked oral sex either. I loved giving it to my girlfriend but not receiving it. I’ve had it before, many times but never really enjoyed the feeling of it, I enjoy intercourse much better which I know sounds incredulous to many others. I don’t really know where this notion came from that all men enjoy oral sex, I and a few acquaintances I have seem to be different. I love sex but just not oral sex.

  13. Milo, I said ONE of the reasons SOME people may not allow themselves to enjoy oral were due to religious issues.

    YOUR mileage may vary.

    Chill, huh?

    My parents and my DOG? Gross, my parents are divorced! It would be quite uncomfortable….

  14. @Madamoiselle L: Yeah yeah but to be honest many people even WITHOUT religion dislike oral sex so don’t even touch that subject. I’m an atheist and many of my friends are and I know plenty of people who dislike the act, why should it affect YOU if this person doesn’t like it? How would you feel if someone said that sleeping with your parents and dog would bring the ultimate pleasure? I’m pretty sure there are those who do indulge in that sort of activity but not many relish the thought. You’re making your own generalized conjectures. DON’T CHANGE SOMEONE IF DON’T WANT TO. Sheesh, you’re sounding like some kind of jerk telling people to try it twice before making a decision, although I do agree that it may be pleasureable the next time around it doesn’t mean everyone should follow your unsolicited advice. You obviously need to learn more about sex if oral sex is so limelighted in your relationships. I know plenty of couples who don’t indulge in oral sex but do have a very healthy sex life and a happy relationship. Quit your generalizations because they’re so fucking selfish.

  15. I appreciate Hank’s pov & concern for women. I’m a very oral person, always have been and do not consider bjs degrading per se (there have been previous partners who created a degrading atmosphere with their comments/actions, but that’s another story…).

    I would like to comment that oral sex doesn’t have to just be about sucking–there’s a lot to play with there and a lot of ways to play, including licking and kissing.

    Nobody should be made to feel bad because of what they like or dislike in bed. I’m sure Em & Lo’s response was completely tongue in cheek, but when a topic is sensitive, as this one obviously is, even well-intended humor can be painful. Their advice is on-point: Communication. Sam I Am’s GF needs to know once and for all that his feelings about bjs will *never* change, whatever the reason behind it. They can have a completely satisfying relationship without it, but she needs to respect his boundaries for that to happen.

  16. I’ve gotta disagree with hank / strange person up there, in my experience, it hasn’t been degrading to the women I’ve been with. They seemed to relish the control they have over me and my orgasms. Perhaps if hank / strange person have been staring at porn too long and seen the woman where the face is all covered in spunk, yeah, that does seem degrading. (Hey, why are 90% of them grinning like crazy people then?)

    On the other hand, I’m not a fan of BJ’s anymore. My current partner/wife is terrible at them. She’s too small and it gives her jaw problems and she gets too toothy.

    I did have a girl friend once that … Wow. she knew how to do things.

  17. I haven’t seen anyone ridiculing the men who don’t yet like fellatio. Not at all. I think most of our responses are more surprise and and being stunned more than anything else.

    People have every right to like what they like and not like what they……..don’t like.

    However, I have seen a LOT of misconceptions in some of the posts of the men who don’t like BJs, (and this is not an insult to them, especially Slart, one of my fav posters) I think too many of these men are seeing fellatio as “degrading” and one man somehow compared it to rape! :0 To me this screams of “shoved down the throat” guilt driven religious bullshit. This is something that, in order to be a healthy, sexually aware and enthusiastic adult, one needs to work to overcome.

    The truth is most sexually open and healthy women enjoy pleasuring their men in this way and perhaps the men who don’t enjoy it may want to look into their reasoning for not liking it, and perhaps work on any and all deeply ingrained guilt, religious bullshit, misconceptions of what healthy women WANT from sex and understand that perhaps their dislike of oral sex is due to brainwashing in childhood, lingering belief in the Madonna/Whore Complex and a foundation steeped in a misunderstanding of female sexuality.

    I also know that oral sex is, for most people, even more intimate than intercourse. Perhaps intimacy issues can be investigated by some who “don’t get it.”

    Trust issues come to mind as well, as you REALLY have to trust someone to let them put their toothy mouths on the most sensitive place of your body. I am not dissing anyone, it just makes me sad that SUCH a beautiful, healthy, pleasurable, ecstatic experience is completely missing from some people’s lives. I want everyone to feel the absolute most intense pleasure sex can give them, and without one of the most intimate and trust building sex practices, I wonder if there might be something missing that some of these people just don’t know about yet. Like I said, it makes me sad, not angry, not upset, certainly not judgmental. I think virtually everything needs more than one or two tries, with someone one trusts implicitly, as well as learning the TRUTH about how women feel about this act. And, most sexually healthy women LOVE it.

    Life is short, pleasure can be rare, I don’t want people to miss out on some of the most beautiful and best sensations this cruel, cold hard world can offer us.

    As for the guys who have very sensitive penises, as I suggested before, a BJ while using a condom, especially one with a numbing agent in it, may be your ticket to Paradise.

    I also can’t see comparing it to anal sex. Anal is a whole different ball game. For most cultures, oral sex is a regular part of normal every day sex, while anal seems to often be on the sidelines of “kinky.” Lots of us enjoy it, but it is totally different than oral sex, in character and action, and the two cannot be compared. Especially by those by those who haven’t fully experienced both.

    Again, enjoy what you enjoy, but as I see it, an open mind and willingness to try new things, or even try things one may have not “liked” the first time (like many womens experience with sex in general, many may not have “enjoyed it” the first time, but it didn’t stop them from trying it until they DID enjoy it) is Important to intimacy and having a pleasurable experience and full life with one’s lover.

  18. How can you people ridicule this man and say, “Wow you’re not normal for disliking BJs?” Just like MANY women who dislike giving it I’m pretty sure there are plenty of men who dislike receiving it. It’s a matter of preference. STOP trying to change other people’s opinions and preferences in life. Sheesh. You all act so high and mighty. To the OP, you’re not alone and believe me MANY MANY MANY women dislike giving or even the mere thought of giving oral sex so there are plenty of women to choose from. Why can’t people just respect each others’ opinions? Why do you keep trying to change one another. If you like it then go ahead do it if you don’t then don’t do it, simple as that. Jeez get a life guys.

  19. hank, tell her that, just like you said it. if you don’t she will think she’s not doing it right.and that is the last thing you want her to feel. tell her one night having dinner and talking just let her know how you feel but have a back up plain tell her what you realy like or “but when you do this” game on for me it turns me on like nothing eles. be open and honest you will get more out of sex this way.and both will be more relaxed and sharing your feeling makes her feel connected to you. good luck

  20. i’m a guy i like bj but i feel it’s humiliating for women.. i hate watching porn and i hate the way women are abused and hate prostitution.
    whan i think of bj it reminds me of raping, problem is my gf seems to like doing it to me, i’m very embarrased dont know what to do i prefere to give attention instead of getting it.

  21. I’m rather insulted reading the way you kind of ridiculed this man for his dislike of BJ’s, particularly since the responses to it indicate he’s hardly alone. And add me to that list, because this letter could’ve been written by me, front to back. I can’t stand BJ’s. I’ve never requested one, never wanted one, and never had one that I allowed to last more than 30 seconds, and that entire time I was praying for the woman to get bored with it and stop. I’ve had some women get almost psycho-offended over it too, and I just calmly explain to them it’s not them, it’s me. I just don’t care for them in the least. And then I remind them how I have NO problem going down on them and how I really enjoy doing that. And you know what? Some women don’t like receiving oral, and that’s fine with me, one less thing I have to worry about. Which is why I don’t get women who actually seem to get off on giving head. What the hell does it do for them if the guy’s not into it??

  22. While I can certainly understand the trauma of being abused as a child, (it’s horrible, but it can be overcome so one can enjoy sex in all forms. I KNOW this.) I really had no idea so many men didn’t like blow jobs. I am a bit flabbergasted. (I have not met one, that I know of.) Is this all due to some type of trauma, either childhood abuse or being bitten once too many times?

    Has the OP tried receiving fellatio while wearing a condom? Maybe one of the condoms with the “man-delay” desensitization cremes in them? This would really cut down the sensitivity of your penis, and you might (probably would) realize that without the pain, blow jobs are wonderful.

    Slart, you said: “I completely accept, intellectually, the notion that there are women who are comfortable with and even enjoy fellatio. However, I don’t *believe* it for an instant” END QUOTE

    Honey, BELIEVE IT! A lot of us ladies LOVE to give head. (Myself and other women can actually orgasm while performing this, it’s THAT good for many of us.) It’s one of my favorite activities. Not even just in bed, sometimes I’ll surprise My Man while he’s in the garage or the basement or anywhere and just go at it. His favorite is a nice leisurely blow job in our jacuzzi tub. (I think that is his favorite place. He’ll take it anywhere.) I don’t feel it’s “degrading” at all if the person doing it enjoys it, gets off on it, and is reciprocated.

    IMO, it’s a form of love and affection and appreciation and it’s FUN! Nothing makes me happier than seeing My Man get so pleasured he can’t even speak. And, this (along with a lot of other stuff) does that to him. I probably can’t change your mind, but many women DO love to do this to men. Don’t worry about being “a pig” if you want a BJ. Lots of kind, caring, egalitarian men do enjoy them, and their women do, too. 🙂

    Somebody tell “Jonathan” than any “diseases” one can get from oral sex, one can also get from intercourse.

    One more thing, someone mentioned a Dental Dam. These are for performing cunnilingus. They are a flat sheet of latex or other material for placing over the vulva while a woman receives oral sex. They simply cannot be used for fellatio. But, a simple condom can, to cut down on sensation. If one prefers that.

  23. im a guy and i hate receiving blow jobs. cant stand watching them in porn either, i just hate them. reason? i think its disrespectful to the lady, that and i was slightly raped at hammer point by an 8 year old when i was about 7, threatened me with a claw hammer told me to put it in my mouth basically. always hated them for that reason, the fear still reminds me and then the shame with it.

  24. OK – I’ve been married 4 times, divorced three, and none of my wives have ever allowed me to cum in their mouths, tho all of them have gone down on me as foreplay.

    I almost broke up one of my marriages for a woman who DID let me cum in her mouth, because for me oral sex is the most exciting, invigorating, endorphin-producing activity I’ve ever engaged in. And while I’ve been with numerous women who didn’t like me to cum in their mouths, I’ve been with very few – like almost none – who wouldn’t go down on me at all.

    And I go down on them all the time – I’ve never met a woman, well OK once, who didn’t like receiving oral sex, and I love doing it almost more than intercourse. Almost.

    I don’t quite understand the big deal about this, either way. Given a reasonable level of personal hygiene, there’s no reason NOT to perform or receive oral sex. And if you have a problem with receiving it, it almost certainly stems from some kind of trauma or misunderstanding from your pre-sexual days.

    Or so I say, anyway. I’m 56 years old, and I still do sex like I did when I was 26. If you’re a lady who wants oral sex and isn’t getting it, drop me a line. I’d love to help you out. I live in north-central Kentucky.

  25. Ok, so a general consensus here is if your BF doesn’t like BJs, stick to handjobs. What if they don’t like either!? I’m currently dating a guy who has been giving me the best head I’ve ever received…to the point where I actually squirt. I’ve never squirted before in my life! And he loves it, like, licks every last drop… It’s amazing, I’ve hit the oral jackpot, but I feel as if I can’t return the favor in any way, shape or form. When I give him head or a handjob, he goes limp. He says that it feels pleasing and all, but he just can’t relax when someone’s down there. And in addition to being a downer that I can’t please my partner, I actually enjoy giving head, so now I can’t satisfy my own cravings! How am I supposed get what I want and pleasure my man? =(

    Btw, as for the “teeth or always a no-no” thing, my first boyfriend (and first guy I ever went down on) actually requested “more teeth.” Confused the shit out of me then, confuses me now when I look back. And how do I keep finding these kinds of guys?

  26. I’m a guy who also detests oral sex. I have a lot of issues about it but I can’t have everyone listen to me about it cuz’ they do it. I wish people wouldn’t. I can’t stand it, not even looking at people do it, like in porn. I wouldn’t compare it to love but the actions are the same cuz’ its sex. I’m a virgin still and do want sex but I’d rather stick to regular clean sex cuz’ I feel it shameful to degrade a girl into bad hygenic risking and gross habit. A lot would disagree with me, that also means I’m athiest and a lot would disagree my beliefs too if I ranted about that. So if you think you’re alone, I’m that too cuz’ I think I’m alone as well. There’s only very few men who are athiests and i hope few who also feel the way I do about oral sex. To my views, oral sex is unecessary and can just cause diseases altogether. If you like it clean, I’d stick to straight sex. If you want other additional fun techniques that are less degrading, the best I can accept is foreplay and handjobs.

    I don’t want to argue about my views btw, plz.

  27. I think that my boyfriend enjoys oral sex a little too much – it usually makes him climax too quickly. He and I would rather spend our time pleasing each other as much as possible, so if fellatio is involved, it’s usually at the very end of our sex session.

  28. This one is a difficult one. I love going downtown on my girl, and the few times I had GF that did not like me to go there, I was miserable.

    If your GF is one of those girls that do not like giving head, then you are fine, but if she is the other kind, you are in trouble.

  29. I heard Dr. Drew say on Lovelines once that 25% of men couldn’t get off from oral sex. I’m one of those guys. I came once from a bj, about 10 years ago. Since then I pretty much just tell the girl to save her energy. This idea that you have about all men loving bj’s is nonsense; a western stereotype, basically.

  30. Honestly I agree with the original post. I am twenty four years old, and I DO NOT enjoy oral sex, at all. The combination of teeth-dragging experiences and inexperienced girls has left me with no desire to engage in oral sex, ever. If they feel the need, I’m not going to tell them to stop, but honestly I have never reached a climax through oral sex.

  31. Well, right now I would be telling your gf to count her blessings… my bf loves oral sex and for me hate doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings toward it. I feel like it is something I must do for him since he does so much for me, but truthfully it is the worst thing i’ve experienced.

  32. Guys, just to let a few of you know, i only had oral sex once at the age of 18, it happend so fast i didn’t enjoy it. i’m now 54 and married to a wonderful woman that has given me some of the best sex any man could ever ask for [especially oral]. Here’s the bummer…due to certain health factors, along with me smoking most of my life, i am now suffering from ED and can only perform while on Cialis. Another bummer… i have lost most of my senitivity and cannot get off at all during oral,and i have to work real hard also to get off having intercourse. And Ladies don’t feel too bad about your guys being too sensitive, i only wish that was my only problem to deal with. I just wanted to share this with most of you,and i hope that most of you can find solutions to help with your issues.

  33. Bam Bam-

    I’m not quite arrogant enough to presume that I know your BF’s mind on this question, but personal experience tells me it’s totally possible that he prefers manual to oral. It may be a testament to your phenomenal dexterity and not because you’re orally challenged. In the first place, I’ve heard rumors that handjobs can be of a highly stimulating nature. In the second place (and speaking just for myself), they aren’t as emotionally freighted as BJs which is what usually prevents me from really getting into fellatio.

  34. Kaybie, it’s not unfair to ask for for oral. It’s not that out-there a request, and if he’s really uncomfortable with it he can say no. Which, if he does, you should dump him for. There are guys out there you’ll have a better sex life with.

  35. I am an intermediate case. I don’t dislike it, I just almost never can climax from it, which can leave your partner feeling bummed. I guess I am good at conveying this however, because it never really seems to be a problem. It all started when I was young, and honestly I didn’t realize I was slightly above average, and my partner would gag. Bigtime negative. My youth was during a time when aids was just discovered, so then the social climate changed, and it became a serious no no to ejaculate, so it feels good, but what ever you do, don’t ejaculate. About that time I had a partner that would bring a paper towel to bed. So now we got …. it feels good, the towels waiting and you know right at the climax he is going to come out of the warmth, into the cold air and … the towels waiting… come on, the towels waiting. That was it for me, get rid of the towel, get rid of the whole thing. Fast track years later, I put the final nail in that coffin, I got pierced down there, read tooth clacker. That is like chasity for bjs. game over.

    Moral of this story? Some things just don’t work, anal is generally not an option and bjs won’t have a happy ending. Its OK and certainly not her fault, there are so many other fun things to do!

  36. This is so strange that this was published right now! I think my boyfriend likes handjobs more than blow jobs. I’ve tried different things but he always seems to want a handjob more than anything else. It goes against everything I’d ever heard so I’ve been wondering if it’s me so I’ve tried all kinds of different things. But maybe he’s not alone and maybe it’s not me, either. I just don’t know. I don’t think he’s against them, per se, he just seems a lot more into the hand jobs.

  37. Well ladies if any of you are from Columbus, OH and feel bad about your bf not wanting a bj…give me a call….I love both giving and receiving oral pleasures.

  38. Funny that I should read this today. Just had a conversation with a new boyfriend about giving and receiving head (he’s not into either). I am surprised that Em and Lo are so surprised by this letter because he is not the first guy I have been with who didn’t love getting head. I wonder if it is more common with non-Western guys, as BJs are really fetishized in American/Western media. I think that a lot of men and women have internalized that.

    That being said I really enjoy giving head and so its s disappointment to me that he doesn’t like it, though not the end of the world. What might be the end of the world is that he doesnt want to go down on me. It is something that I enjoy a lot and I have a hard time coming or even getting wet without oral stimulation. What do you guys think, would you consider this a dealbreaker? Is it unfair of me to want to ask him for it?

  39. Wow. I am so glad I read this article! The first time my new bf and I got frisky, I was about to perform a bj on him, and he stopped me after 3 seconds. (he had just gone down on me, so I wasn’t all broken-hearted when he stopped me) I was confused, but he simply said he didn’t want it. So, I’ve just assumed that I would give him a bj when he was in the mood for one. I can tell you, it was a surprising and enjoyable moment to not have to feel obligated to return the favor. I will definitely bring this anti-bj issue up before we get frisky again. aka: within the next 24 hours.

    Viva anti-bj!!!

  40. Emandlo-

    Since you ask, it comes down to something that Figleaf, as usual, puts so adroitly and which a few others have touched on as well. I completely accept, intellectually, the notion that there are women who are comfortable with and even enjoy fellatio. However, I don’t *believe* it for an instant. When the activity heads south, I get real uncomfortable. Too uncomfortable to actually enjoy the experience. Put succinctly, it feels exploitative to me. It might be my egalitarian streak, but I don’t really like having done to me that which I wouldn’t do and (just between us) performing fellatio has no allure for me whatsoever. It’s entirely possible that I’d feel differently about receiving cunnilingus but that’s an experiment that’s unlikely to take place in the near future. I’m the last person to claim that this is in any way a rational position and I fully appreciate that we’re talking about apples and kumquats here. Welcome to my world.

  41. To be blunt most women don’t know how to give a BJ. They watched “Deep Throat” and think that is the way is is done.

    First of all, teeth hurt! There are such things as ‘dental dams’ which prevent such damage.

    Speaking for myself the best I ever had consisted of a hand job accompanied by a nice suction on the head only. If the lady has an objection to swallowing the semen (which is harmless) she can have a towel handy to spit it into.

    I suspect Sam never knew a particular redhead that I knew many years ago!

  42. My bf loves the oral attention, but he’s never been able to get off with a bj (from me or anyone else). It’s hard not to take it personally, but it’s just the way God made him….

  43. I’m on the opposite side of this….my husband loves them but I can’t give them too often. My dentist tells me that I have big tonsils which causes a very sensitive gag reflex. Long story short, I only have about 3 gags and it’s all over…..maybe I should write in for advice about that…

  44. I remember a coworker who, even though she knew better intellectually, couldn’t get over the uncomfortable idea that her partner (another coworker) would smother if he went down on her. Even though he made it very clear he loved doing it and wanted to do it to her. Even though other women coworkers told her how much they wished their partners were as enthusiastic as he was. Her discomfort whenever she let him try just made it impossible for her to relax enough to find out whether she’d actually enjoy it enough.

    Sounds like the same thing with Sam. And because, as with cunnilingus for for women, fellatio doesn’t work for all men, I don’t see why he should be pushed to let his partner keep trying. I *really* don’t think she should keep trying to sneak one on him!

    Which is a good rule of thumb anyway. Consider the more familiar case of anal penetration. Past a certain point it doesn’t matter how much one’s partner enjoys doing it to you nor does it matter how much the partner’s previous partners enjoyed it he or she did it. If you’re not into it it’s generally agreed that one’s partner shouldn’t push you for it. And they *sure* shouldn’t try and slip something into you hoping you’ll change your mind! Same with fellatio or anything else that squicks you, even if it doesn’t squick anyone else.

    Based on comments so far I’d say it’s probably still ok to generalize that men like fellatio, but no one should be surprised, let alone shocked, to find numerous exceptions.


  45. I could have written this letter, with the exception that I know why I don’t care for oral attention. There have been a few instances where the technique was superlative, but, even so, it’s something I can readily do without.

  46. Although I’m not in the same boat, I could see it… There have been times I’ve gotten extra uncomfortably sensitive down there and needed to quit the stimulation for a minute. If BJ’s made me feel like that I wouldn’t want them either.

  47. It took me a long time to learn to enjoy them too.
    was a long time before i had a partner who knew what she was doing.
    and another long time to learn how to allow myself to receive that kind of attention.

  48. Agree with Tilly. Really isn’t weird at all…

    My guy doesn’t care for them either –> not to the same extent as portrayed here but they definitely are not his favorite, to say the least.

  49. How do you feel about hand jobs? Could those be substituted in instead?

    You have my sympathy, I don’t give a crap if a guy goes down on me or not because tongue doesn’t get me off.

  50. It really isn’t so weird- my guy hates them too. Always has. He would much rather go to town on me and save his stimulation for intercourse.

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