4/26/17
Dear Em & Lo, I Love Him But He’s Already Got a Girlfriend

Hi,

I would like advice. I am single mother and I met someone on a dating website. When we met he told me he didn’t have a girlfriend. After a while, we were emailing each other every day. After 6 months, I finally met him face to face and we liked each other. But then he started telling me that he has a girlfriend and that he loves her.

So I asked him to stay away and to stop texting me, but he insisted that he liked me and he continued texting me and asking me to be only friends with him. So he used to text me and talk to me more than he did with his gf, and so we started meeting each other and ended up as friends with benefits. He was so romantic with me, he cared about me, so I did fall in love with him. And he knew that.

I asked him many times to let me go because it was hurting me, to love him knowing he had a gf. Last time I texted him to stop texting me, but as usual he didn’t stop. When I ignored his text messages then he texted me that he loved me and he can’t let me go. So we started to see each other again and hanging out together, but only places that his gf won’t know about.

Every time I ask him to do something to prove to me that he loves me he will do it, except he won’t leave his gf. So our relationship has been more than one year and half, and recently he found out that his gf is pregnant. I am lost, hurt, and I stopped talking to him but he keeps texting me that he loves me and he wants to keep his relationship with me but he won’t let his gf go.

What do you think? Is he lying on me because he is using me?

— Lostgirl

Dear LG,

In a word, yes. You already know he’s a liar, because he’s cheating on his girlfriend (and you’re aiding and abetting his cheating). We wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already married to this woman!

The fact that he wants to have non-monogamous relationships is not the problem; the fact that he’s lying to his “GF” and stringing you along (despite your protestations) to make these non-monogamous relationships happen is the problem. It sounds to us like you’d prefer an exclusive relationship with him. And it’s clear that’s never going to happen with this guy. He keeps telling you what you want to hear — that he loves you — just so he can keep having an exciting, secret, sexual affair with you. Even if you’re okay with an uncommitted, non-monogamous relationship, you’re still participating in a dishonest one because his girlfriend is in the dark.

End it. For good this time. Block his number if you don’t have the self-control to resist his sweet, seductive texts. You’re not Romeo and Juliet, kept apart by a tragic family feud — he’s just a cheater who’s kept you two apart because he’s not interested in a committed relationship with you. And now, considering this pregnancy, his primary focus should be on his future child — don’t be his distraction. Find someone who’s willing to put you first.

Found Girls,
Em & Lo

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3 Comments on "Dear Em & Lo, I Love Him But He’s Already Got a Girlfriend"

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Lily

Nah, you don’t love him. You’re addicted to the negative pleasure he provides. If you’re young, don’t worry. Sometimes you gotta let that shit lose its charge, tire yourself out with the bs and douchey behaviour. Sometimes you need to investigate it and get some therapy to maybe get an understanding of what drives you. The question is always about you never about them. Who cares why he is the way he is. What’s in it for you?

Lilly
I have had experience with this in the past– I had to beg my friend to block a guys number because they were in a very similar situation. Emotions can definitely be blinding, which is completely understandable. Its hard when someone you fall for has hurt you, has lied to you, and even worse, is lying and hurting someone else too. I do think that simply blocking this guy out of her life, and reaching out to friends is the best way to go. You can’t trust him, clearly. But sometimes you have to force yourself to come to that… Read more »
Dave W

It’s clear from her letter that she doesn’t quite have the emotional fortitude to decide the direction of this relationship. Whenever she asks for it to end or simply stops reciprocating, some weasely persistence on his part gets him back in. Her defenses have probably started to break down in this latest attempt to break it off, and she’s contacted you guys for a lifeline. Blocking his number sounds like the best advice to me. Hopefully if he jumps through hoops to contact her, she’ll find it sad and unattractive.

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