4/4/13
Dear Em & Lo, I Secretly Used My Wife’s Sex Toy…Up My Butt

Billy, LELO’s male massager

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Hello Ladies,

I am a married guy who occasionally reads your site for some ideas to share with my wife.  It seems like anal play both for him and her is a popular topic. My wife enjoys some occasional backside attention, and I’ve been trying to get her to give me some too. One time she used a butt plug on me while giving me a handjob. This resulted in the most intense orgasm I had ever experienced!  After that, I secretly used her dildo on myself just to see if it would fit, and it did. Now, I’ve asked her to use it on me, but she’s afraid of hurting me.  I don’t want her to freak out knowing I’ve already done it. Do you have any advice as to how to get her to play along?

Thanks!
Swimdad

Dear Dad (no wait, that’s all wrong…),

Have you heard of those urban legends of people getting their vacation camera film developed only to find pictures of their toothbrushes stuck up strangers’ butts? Well, this is practically the same thing…

You should be ashamed of yourself for secretly “borrowing” your wife’s dildo. A person’s sex toy is sacred, and only they should decide how, where, when and upon whom it is used. Being married doesn’t give you the right to defile her dildo. We can only pray you used a condom! If the toy is porous, fecal bacteria can get lodged in the microscopic nooks and crannies, potentially leading to a nasty infection for her, no matter how long you scrubbed it with anti-bacterial soap. Even if it’s a 100% non-porous silicone dildo that you boiled, using it up your butt without her consent was wrong.

You really should come clean. She might find the thought of you sneaking around with her toy endearing, like a little kid breaking into the cookie jar. And it’ll help get the conversation started about your anal intentions. But if she’s already used the toy on herself since the scandalous abduction, and you suspect there’s even a slight chance she won’t be amused (we certainly wouldn’t be), then we might recommend having some sort of “accident” with the dildo (it falls in the toilet, the dog uses it as a chew toy, it just mysteriously disappears). Either way, you definitely owe her a nice, new dildo she can truly call her very own — and make sure it’s an upgrade: a high-end, medical-grade silicone dildo from Tantus or Vixen Creations or Fun Factory.

While you’re at it, get yourself your own dildo, specifically reserved — and designed — for your butt, like the Pro Touch or LELO’s Billy. It should have a flared based (so as not to get lost up there); a gentle curve to target your P-spot is always nice; and again, we’d go for a non-porous silicone number that won’t harbor bacteria (any of the aforementioned would actually work, too). Don’t forget some lube, too. If you get one specifically designed for a man’s tush, one that’s a smidge smaller than her dildo, that may help allay some of her fears about hurting you.

When it comes to convincing her, tell her you’ve been practicing with your fingers in the shower or with this — surprise! — your own personal man-butt dildo (you may not be allowed to secretly stick her vagina’s dildo up your butt, but you ARE allowed to quietly purchase your own personal butt plug). Tell her your experimentation has been absolutely fine, physically-speaking. (Even better if what you’re telling her is actually true. You know, it’s that whole honesty thing again.) Tell her the only thing missing is her, and it’s your ultimate fantasy to have HER doing the knocking on your backdoor.

But frankly, the convincing part isn’t really your problem. Not being honest with her and not respecting her property is. We hope this virtually spanking has taught you a lesson: don’t take other people’s sex toys without their permission. Isn’t that one of the first things you learn in kindergarten?

Anal retentive,
Em & Lo

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5 Comments

  1. I had a very interesting weekend.

    Years ago after my wife and I had been married a short time I showed her my dildos. I had a small collection of very large ones, well, because it has been a thing that I do for a long time. I had a girlfriend in college who loved to watch me do myself in various ways while she pleased herself. Our sex was very intense, as it is at that age. She loved it and I loved to do it. Thankfully for other reason we did not stay together.

    years later I moved cities and went back to school, met a girl, fell in love and we married. I still had a fascination with dildos and secretly kept them and used them. over the years the size of them increased as I have found that size does matter when experiencing a stretch feeling. I like the feeling of being full and then loose afterward. It’s safe and clean if done correctly, so no, it’s not gross.

    Anyway, early in our marriage I decided to show her my rather large dildos. She was shocked and did not know how to react. I felt bad for pushing the idea on her, she felt bad for not knowing how to react and we sort of dropped it with her saying she was happy that I knew how to pleasure myself. I continued to keep it to myself after that although she made it clear she was ok with it, just not interested. We did try a small strap on once and it was awkward. we left it alone.

    I continued my habit of dildos and even shemale porn. Now, I’m a normal guy with great respect for my wife and she also treats me with great respect. but desire is desire and that’s how that goes. Our sex life continued although with the normal slowing through years of being married. She is on a medication that does limit her interest in sex so it had become a chore to figure out when we both felt the drive for sex and would try to make it happen. Lately we’ve been trying to make it happen every weekend and its wonderful and we love each other.

    This weekend…..

    I have a larger sized realistic dildo. It’s about 11″ long and 2.5″ wide with a big head, veins, balls, etc, and it looks very real, feels very fleshy….yada

    I left it in the shower. She also has a rabbit vibrator that she keeps in the shower. She went for a shower. it was a long shower. She came down and politely said “my vibrator has a boyfriend.”

    I paused, remembered that I had forgotten it (or had I?) in the shower. I hadn’t forgotten it. I had been using it every day in the bathroom but not having an orgasm so that I wouldn’t spend my energy on myself. I wanted to be ready for the weekend……but I wanted her to see it. I knew in my heart that she would be fine with it and would understand, be open, and totally cool. She was

    She told me that she thought it was very large and was surprised. I was ready to confess all of my fantasy habits so I did. I told her that I had bigger dildos. that I use them a lot, that I watch shemale porn, that I fantasize about them, that I wasn’t gay and that I just liked what I liked in addition to what we had together. I guess I was hoping that she would welcome it into our mutual lives. I told her I was open to any question she had about it and she asked my if I was gay, no, fine, did I want to find a shemale, no, ok.

    She was happy that I told her, that I know how to pleasure myself, was happy to have me bring a butt plug into the bed that night and we had amazing sex. she told me she was sad that I had hid it from her all these years and that she feels I should be doing it and that she was happy that the dildos had returned. She said it with honesty and kindness. I used the butt plug on myself while we had sex and she had a very intense orgasm. I did too, of course

    She didn’t offer to do me with anything but she did say that we could try again like we did so many years ago.

    I say all of this because odd turn ons and kinky behavior is only bad if it’s not received well by the other half. I don’t want to hook up with transgendered people, its a fantasy. She understand this. The dildos, they’re part of the fantasy but also just a general exploration in pleasing my body.

    I feel this has opened the door to a more open and intense sexual experience with my wife, remaining monogamous, of course. She told me some of her fantasies and I think we have found a way to communicate more about our desires.

    It’s a good thing. I always knew I married the right one

  2. I agree with Ralphie wholeheartedly. I got stuck on “you should be ashamed”– it’s difficult to separate the shame you’re doling out for sneaking a dildo and the shame society often applies to people (perhaps especially men) who are interested in butt play.

    I get what you’re saying. It’s not cool (and potentially dangerous) to borrow someone else’s sex toy without permission, and I would probably feel betrayed if this letter were from my husband. BUT you could probably have gotten that point across without deciding who should or should not be ashamed. You guys are better than that! (Haha, see, now I’m shaming! But seriously, don’t do that.)

    1. How did we miss your and Ralphie’s comments years ago???? Well, better late than never: Y’all are right — the “you should be ashamed” comes across a little harsh. Sometime’s our over-the-top, melodramatic, theatrical disdain just reads as mean-spirited disdain. Not our intention. We try not to judge, but there are times when, being human, we just can’t help it: and we think that’s what keeps our advice out of the clouds, grounded, and fun to read. While we are happy when people explore their sexuality and try new things — and we think this site reflects that belief pretty well — we will take sides when we think the situation calls for it. And we think one’s right to have their own personal masturbatory property not exposed without their consent to another’s fecal-ridden internal body cavities trumps the other’s right to sexual freedom and exploration. It’s the lack of consent and courtesy, not the fecal-ridden body cavities, that’s the problem here. A little shame — perhaps not as much as we heaped on — is in order here.

  3. Em & Lo,

    While you are correct that that the letter writer’s behavior was abhorrent, I have an issue with the tone of your response. Rightly or wrongly, I first view the two of you as educators. A seriously important lesson needed to be addressed here (just as it would need to be addressed if the letter writer was talking about engaging in vaginal intercourse immediately after engaging in anal intercourse). Berating the letter writer may cause him, or some of your other readers, to turn you off and disregard the important lesson your trying to transmit involving anal play and the sharing of toys. There was a better way you could have addressed the letter and still made this important point.

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