8/3/11
Dear Em & Lo: I Told BF Sex Was Just Alright

photo by db*photography

Dear Em & Lo,

When my boyfriend and I first got together and started having sex he asked me how I thought it was. I told him it was alright. Well, he took it as a negative thing and now he doesn’t want to have sex with me because he thinks I don’t enjoy it. I have told him a lot of times that I really do enjoy it, but he still doesn’t believe me. What should I do now?

— Foot in Mouth

Dear FiM,

First of all, let this be a lesson to all the luvvers out there: no one ever wants to be told that they’re “all right” in bed. Three-day old pizza is all right, one of Julia Roberts’ lesser movies is all right, and so is flying coach. But sex? Of course your boyfriend took “all right” as a negative thing, we don’t blame him! You may as well have shrugged your shoulders and said, “Eh.”

We’re guessing that an argument of semantics (“I meant all right as in, ‘Aw-right!!! Yeah!!'”) isn’t going to work here, so all you can do is lead by example. The more often you initiate sex, the more he’s going to believe you. And while we would never condone faking, you might want to think about how much noise you’re making in bed. Have you ever noticed how free people feel to moan in ecstasy when they’re receiving a backrub — and yet those same people are often quiet-as-a-mouse in bed. Perhaps if you learned to vocalize your enjoyment in the moment itself, that’d be more convincing.

That all said, we think your boyfriend also needs to suck it up and deal. If you’re not free to be honest with each other about how things are going in the sack, then your sex life is doomed. If the earth isn’t moving for you, then he needs to know that. Of course, as you have learned the hard way, men’s egos are often more fragile than a newly hatched duckling, and there are many wrong ways to approach this matter. As a general rule, you want to keep your directions in
positive, constructive terms: “I love it when you do this; I’d really like to do that again, it turned me on so much; You know what my favorite thing that you do in bed is? You know what I’ve always wanted to try?” And so on. Even better if your voice gets all husky and you sound like you’re talking dirty when you say this stuff.

And next time you want to tell someone they’re alright in bed? Make sure you pump your fist in the air as you say it so they know how you really feel.

Feelin’ alright,

Em & Lo

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7 Comments on "Dear Em & Lo: I Told BF Sex Was Just Alright"

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White Rabbit
White Rabbit
4 years 9 months ago

Go Johnny!!! : ) Thank you.

Johnny
Johnny
4 years 9 months ago
Like I said, I get it. Frankly I agree with you that it all evens out, yin-and-yang wise. If you want to look at it from a cosmic balance point of view, ok, fine, it’s all perfectly fair. If I call it unfair it’s because we don’t always get to pick whether that cosmic balance tosses us into a favorable situation or an unfavorable one. Funny you should invoke that line of thinking, though, as my whole point was that you should give a little “om” and try some of that serene “cosmic balance” type thinking. You sound pissed off… Read more »
the_unforgiven
the_unforgiven
4 years 9 months ago
“Love and sex aren’t fair dude.” In most cases love and sex are exactly yin and yang for men and women. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. I’d say its pretty fair, very few things you could turn around and say “well, the other sex does it too, and just as much! oh but this one has that advantage, oh but this one has this advantage.” Pretty cut down the middle. There are some really deep social issues that can be addressed for the parts that aren’t fair, but this place doesn’t address them. This spot… Read more »
Johnny
Johnny
4 years 9 months ago

Ok, I’ll bite: what am I missing?

the_unforgiven
the_unforgiven
4 years 9 months ago

@Johnny: You almost get it.

Johnny
Johnny
4 years 9 months ago
^ I get it dude. You perceive hypocrisy and double-standards where these things are concerned, and you’re right. Now you could accept world as it is, or you could hop on your high-horse and go on some crusade about it. Love and sex aren’t fair dude. Women will judge you for your dick size, your job, your height, the amount of hair you have on you head. Men will judge women for their weight, the amount of hair they have on their bodies, their willingness/unwillingness to have sex, etc. Settle down brah. That’s just how it works. You’re not going… Read more »
the_unforgiven
the_unforgiven
4 years 9 months ago

I hope she remembers that when she is feeling insecure and wants to ask if she looks fat.

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