Dear Em and Lo,
When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other he made it clear he had a problem with performing oral sex and so I’ve never asked him to do it as, after all, I wouldn’t want to do something I wasn’t comfortable with or wouldn’t enjoy. However, after nearly 2 years, I must admit I do miss oral sex. Do you have any recommendations for making oral sex more appealing for him and broaching the subject? For instance, are flavored lubes nice or do they just taste weird when they mix with my own wetness? Or should I just insist that it is a reasonable request and relationships need a bit of compromise?
I Can’t Think of a Witty Name
Dear Ictoawn (ha! sounds like Icktown, probably your boyfriend’s name for cunnilingus),
Ooooh, that’s a toughie. Now, if you wrote to us saying your boyfriend really liked anal sex but you really didn’t and he was pressuring you to give in, would we encourage you to try it or to just keep your butt cheeks clenched for the sake of maintaining your own personal sexual integrity? As usual, the answer is neither black nor white. You’ve got to weigh some things:
- He told you from the beginning that cunnilingus wasn’t his bag, so he gets some credit for that: -1 point.
- Does he enjoy and expect blow jobs from you? If yes, count that as +1 point. If not, -1.
- You’ve got to find out his reason for not being into it. If he doesn’t like the smell or taste, count that as +1: you can work with him to make things more palatable by showering immediately beforehand, changing your diet to make things sweeter downtown, and yes, trying flavored lube. If he doesn’t like pubes in his mouth, count that as +1: you can compromise by going Kojak. If, however, he had some sort of traumatic experience (the likes of which were captured in Teeth) that really makes it hard for him psychologically to perform the task, count that as -1. But if a previous girlfriend only just accidentally farted in face, that’s +1.
- Can you orgasm from cunnilingus? If not, then that’s -1. If so, then that’s +1. If it’s the only way for you to orgasm with a male partner, then that’s +10.
- How is this affecting your relationship? If it’s not that big a deal to you, i.e. your sex life is satisfying in all other ways, then count that as a -1. If, however, it’s negatively affecting the relationship (you resent him for it, you’re considering breaking up with him because of it, or worse, you’re thinking about just getting it elsewhere behind his back, which we would NOT recommend), then count that as +1.
If, when you add all these numbers up, you get a 0 or higher, then we think you’re in your rights to really encourage him to give you some oral attention. Nicely, of course. If, however, it’s a negative number, then it may not be worth pushing him to do something he just doesn’t want to do. Or you could scrap this overly complicated mathematical formula and just discuss it with him, gently explaining how it’s something you’re really missing from your sex life, and just see where that gets you.
All relationships are about compromise, and each partner’s gotta be willing to do a few things they don’t absolutely love, be that attending the opera or doing it doggie style on holidays. However, sometimes there are things which are inherently antithetical to the core being of who we are (and that may just be opera or doggie style), in which case compromise would do more harm than good, at which point it’s time to accept that we just aren’t sexually compatible.
Whatever your case may be, here’s to you getting some oral in the near future!
Putting our money where our mouth is,
Em & Lo