Dear Em & Lo,
After a particularly hot session with my husband the other night, he had what seemed to me like a really intense orgasm. But when I went to the bathroom afterward to clean up, it appeared as if he didn’t actually ejaculate. Basically, there was nothing to clean up, even when I checked inside myself with my fingers, and no smell or sign of semen. I asked him if he came, and he said that yes, he did.
I’m wondering what to make of this. In the past, when he hasn’t been able to come (too tired, too distracted, too much to drink), it’s never been a big deal between us. Usually he’ll just say that he doesn’t think it’s going to happen for him, and we’ll call it a night. There isn’t any kind of baggage between us that would cause him to pretend to have an orgasm when he didn’t. And anyway, it didn’t seem like he was struggling to get there. On the contrary, it seemed like he’d been struggling to hold on until I came, and he came very soon after me.
Just for a little context, because of our work schedules, we don’t actually see each other awake during the week, and we’re usually only squeezing in sex on the weekends. So it’s not like we’d done it five times already in the last 24 hours and he’d be tapped out.
So … did he fake it? Or can a man have an orgasm without ejaculating?
— Dry Run
Dear D.R.,
We think there are probably three possibilities here:
- He faked it. Guys do it all the time. It’s less common among men than women precisely because guys usually leave a few teaspoons of evidence behind when they climax (unlike most women). But they can certainly feel the same pressure as women to “perform” (and sadly, in our culture, money shots are practically a requirement to be a man). Just as women fake to be nice, guys may not want to hurt their partner’s feelings with a no-show O. Maybe your husband started feeling a little insecure about the number of times it wasn’t happening for him recently and he tried to cover it up. Though it sounds like you guys have a fairly solid, communicative relationship, so we wouldn’t put our money on this one.
- He climaxed without ejaculating. A.k.a. the dry orgasm. It happens. Sometimes spontaneously. It’s usually harmless, though it can be caused by problems like diabetes, prostate issues, multiple sclerosis, radiation therapy, a blocked sperm duct, bladder cancer… Some medications may inhibit ejaculation, too. But many men train their minds and bodies to be able to achieve the dry orgasm voluntarily via breathing and PC-muscle exercises — since doing so can mean multiple dude-gasms. In fact, pulling yourself back from the brink of orgasm (like it seems your husband was doing during your sesh) is part of the training regimen (check out The Multi-Orgasmic Man and this abbreviated version). But be warned: some of these methods suggest pushing on the perineum to block semen flow, which can result in retrograde ejaculation, where the ejaculate gets detoured into the bladder, resulting in cloudy urine — which according to many medical sources is not good. Some of the problems mentioned above can cause retrograde ejaculation, too, so that’s something to look out for. It doesn’t sound like this was intentional by your hubby, so if it keeps happening involuntarily, he should definitely go see a urologist.
- He was already spent. You don’t see each other during the week, so he probably masturbates regularly when you’re not around. Maybe he rubbed one out right before he saw you and his reserves were a little low. They probably wouldn’t be non-existent, as you say, but maybe low enough to seem that way by comparison to the norm.
Whatever the cause, you should feel free to bring it up with him — not accusingly, just inquisitively. If he did orgasm but didn’t ejaculate, he’d probably want to know (’cause it sounds like he doesn’t), especially if it’s something that starts happening regularly that he should get checked out (though it’s probably just a cool bodily aberration that he won’t be able to replicate). If, however, his answer is behind either door number 1 or 3, don’t give him a hard time about it — #1 is sweet, and #3 is natural.
Blowing our load,
Em & Lo
It happen to me once. I was getting head in the car. And boom I orgasmed, but my girlfriend continued giving me a BJ. I was wondering what she did to the load. Then I ejaculated, I knew because she made the noise that she can taste it. I asked her what happened after the first time and she said nothing ever came out.
Ejaculation and orgasm are 2 separate things. Men normally think they are the same because of their initial experiences of orgasm being accompanied by ejaculation.
With some ‘re-wiring’ men can learn the difference and have multiple non-ejaculatory orgasms.
The reason they can have multiple orgasms is that the ‘refractory’ period after ejaculation can take hours before a man can ejaculate again. Once a man learns to orgasm without ejaculating there is little or no refractory period and he can orgasm multiple times.
Believe me, each orgasm can be as good and any ejaculatory orgasm can be.
Retrograde ejaculation is where the semen goes into the bladder instead of out of the penis and is not an abnormal condition for older men, particularly men who have had prostate surgery or other prostate treatments. There are no harmful effects and the only time retrograde ejaculation is of concern is if a couple is trying to conceive a baby.
Men: Do a Google search on “male multiple orgasm” and you can enter into a marvelous new world of pleasure for yourself and your partner.
I am a healthy 29 year old fit male. I noticed that during a recent intense hand job that i climaxed but didn’t ejaculate. I had post orgasm extreme sensitivity and a shuddering orgasm. I think it was is refered to as a ruined orgasm. She brought me to the brink and then suddenly stopped.
Articles about retrograde ej. caused me so much paranoia until I read one that said that the urine must be cloudy, and i was like, YEAH! my urine was clear, which means that I was paranoid for all the wrong reasons, and I in fact was having multiple orgasms via the right technique. But still, that paranoia is pesky though.
It’s not difficult to orgasm without ejaculation once you’ve mastered the trick, and I can well believe someone might achieve it accidentally given the right circumstances. In my case the PC muscles -the ones which go into autonomic reflex contraction and power the ejaculation – are surrounded by other groups of muscles: parts of the gluts, those controlling the anus, and – most notably – those extending from the inner thigh. By keeping those fully-tensed as orgasm approaches, the impulses to the PC’s can be ‘overwhelmed’ and suppressed.
As long as I can keep them tensed throughout the orgasm (that’s the hard bit), the pc’s don’t kick in. Having disconnected the 2 functions (orgasm and ejaculation) I can then continue (with care!) to a second or third orgasm. Admittedly these are not quite on the same Richter scale as the first, but well worth having nevertheless.
For me, because the tensing of the inner thighs is so important, it means I can really only achieve this happy state if I’m in a position where the legs/thighs/bum aren’t thrusting too much as orgasm approaches, so any of the partner-on-top positions are favourite or rear-entry, with the partner supplying most of the movement.
Yeah, he may have performed the male multiple orgasm technique, most likely by accident. Or he could have had a retrograde ejaculation.
If he did the male multiple orgasm, he should try and master it. Not only is it a cure for premature ejaculation, but it allows him to maintain his erection after orgasm.
He can repeat the technique over and over, have as many orgasms as he wants, and last as long as he wants without losing his erection.
Check this out, wrote about it yesterday actually:
“What REALLY works to Overcome Premature Ejaculation: Male Multiple Orgasms and Ejaculation Control Training”
Pass by and share your thoughts!
Right on advice, although “failure” to ejaculate can be for reasons other than the 3 listed.