3/30/11
Dear Em & Lo: My Wife Asked Me to Slap Her

photo by Mickey Sick

Dear Em & Lo,

My wife and I have been together just over five years. The other night while having sex, she asked me to slap her in the face. Repeatedly. I was raised not to lay a hand down on a woman, and now I am being asked to. We are pretty active and broad in our sexual tastes, but this one is kind of weird to me. Thoughts, ideas?

— Slap Unhappy

Dear Slap Unhappy,

We totally understand your hesitation. Spanking someone’s bum feels naughty in a playful, hot-for-teacher kind of way, but slapping a woman in the face? That’s a pretty loaded act. Then again, so is climaxing on a woman’s face, and plenty of couples seem to have no problem with that. Here’s the thing: What happens in the bedroom between two consenting adults — especially two consenting adults who are in a loving, trusting, long-term relationship like you guys are — doesn’t have to have anything to do with what happens outside the bedroom.

Agreeing to slap your wife during sex because it turns her on doesn’t make you the kind of guy who’d slap his wife for being five minutes late with the dinner. It just makes you the kind of awesome husband who’s into fulfilling his wife’s ultimate fantasy. And it is just that: a fantasy.

One of the most common sexual fantasies among women is to be overpowered/dominated/ravished by a man — but fantasizing about this during masturbation or even wanting a partner to play along with the fantasy during sex doesn’t mean that a woman actually wants to be raped…she just wants to lose control temporarily, in the throes of passion, with someone whom she trusts implicitly not to actually hurt her. (It’s the plot line for the majority of romance novels, too: man ravishes woman; woman swoons; etc. And it’s a discussion we’ve been having around these here parts lately.)

If you’re worried you will actually hurt her, then start with gentle slaps and build up force gradually at her request: you’d be surprised how much more people can take when they’re really turned on. (It’s that whole pain-pleasure thing that’s at the core of SM play.)

And if you’re worried you won’t know when it’s too much of a good thing, then you and your wife can pick a “safe word”: something that neither of you would ever say during sex (like, say, “baby fishmouth”). That way, she can writhe and moan and say “no” all she wants, and so long as she doesn’t yell out “baby fishmouth,” you’ll know that those are writhes and moans of pleasure.

— Em & Lo

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7 Comments on "Dear Em & Lo: My Wife Asked Me to Slap Her"

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KellyB
KellyB
4 years 10 months ago

I love this site! My husband and I are having the same issue! He has always known that I like a little spanking but I do think the slapping is freaking him out a little. He is still far gentler than I prefer when he spanks me, but he is coming out of his shell. All of the advice is great and I am so happy you guys are here so my husband doesn’t think I’m broken.

Dave
Dave
5 years 3 months ago

baby fishmouth? worst safe word ever. Anyone that loves Family guy knows the safe word is “banana”

Kat
Kat
5 years 3 months ago

My boyfriend is amazing. He treats me like a princess and would never hurt me. He’s gentle, protective and wonderful.

During sex, he knows I like a little pain. So he will pull my hair, bite and generally just make me squeal.

It doesn’t mean he’s violent, it just means we both enjoy the sexual acts of BDSM. Set up a safe word and explore. Get a beginners bondage kit and some movies.

figleaf
5 years 3 months ago
Eek! Back in the late 1970s or early 1980s I ended up breaking up with someone early in a relationship because she wanted me to slap her. It just totally freaked me out. A few years later I was really freaked out when a partner told me she was terribly turned on by spanking. It wasn’t that I didn’t know about BDSM. In fact I’d done a fair amount of bondage and coercion role-playing. But neither of those partners had seemed the least bit interested — they’d just had previous partners who’d done it to them and they’d discovered they… Read more »
Pothedd
Pothedd
5 years 3 months ago

My ex asked me to do this same thing.
The look on her face was exquisite.
It was so much better when she had her (female) friend slap her though. That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. No joke.

Monica
Monica
5 years 3 months ago

Thats a really good way to look at it! Guys do other stuff to women’s faces during sex so why the hesitation? Having a “safe” word seems like a great way to have fun in the bedroom with out a misunderstanding. Plus, if you use your judgement and common sense, I’m sure you know better than to actually hurt your significant other.

anon
anon
5 years 3 months ago

I’ll make that suggestion stronger; if you are going to do this at all, you should have a safe word!

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