Dear Em & Lo,
Some may call us v-card clingers, but my boyfriend and I have been together for three years now. Giving our virginity to each other was not our first first–we were incredibly inexperienced before meeting. Although the relationship began out of lust it has blossomed into much more. He’s my best friend, and without him I would be devastated. We currently attend the same college, and I sometimes feel as if my potential (sexual, personal, academic) can sometimes be limited by our relationship. I have passed on opportunities to study abroad, to fully explore my sexuality in my prime, and to make male friends. I am the type of person who is tortured by the “what-ifs.” I just want to know if there are any solutions where I can have the best of both worlds–a loving relationship with my best friend and the maximization of my potential.
— I Want a Pony Too
“V-card clingers” — that’s good! But if you have a loving, satisfying relationship that works for both of you, then it’s not clinging, it’s just common sense.
Unfortunately, your letter sure sounds like you’re not quite satisfied. We’re all for serious, long-term commitments, even among young adults like yourselves. But there’s something to be said for opening yourself up to new experiences in college. We certainly don’t see why a committed relationship means you can’t study abroad or make male friends — just because you’re occasionally connected at the hip in bed doesn’t mean you should be connected at the hip.
Of course, there is a chance that spending less time with each other will only fuel your sexual curiosity — out of sight, out of mind, into someone else’s pants. And having sex with other people while in a committed relationship can get a little tricky. Unless you have an open relationship, it’s not going to work. You can certainly try to negotiate that kind of situation with your boyfriend, so you can have your cake and eat it too, but it takes a certain breed of evolved, jealousy-free human to make that work and you don’t find many of them in college. (Drunk douches who never commit on the other hand…)
We’d recommend just taking a break, with the understanding that you’re free to see other people, and the option of getting back together if you can’t live without each other. Actually, that option always exists — and almost every advice column and your mother will tell you that if it’s meant to be, you’ll eventually end up together, even after some time apart. Which is just code for “you’re too young to be so serious so break up with him!” Chances are you won’t end up back together, but that’s not a good enough reason to indefinitely stick with this guy. You’ve got a lot of living to do before you settle down and get married, and you’re certainly not going to get hitched to this guy without ever taking a break, right? (Talk about a lifetime of what-ifs!) So why postpone the inevitable, especially when you’re in an environment with so many awesome opportunities to take advantage of? (Seriously, hooking up will never be easier than it is in school.)
But be warned: You WILL have regrets about breaking up with an awesome guy who loved you, especially when you start exploring your sexuality with those drunken douches. And when you see him holding someone else’s hand. And when you just want to watch a movie and cuddle. On second thought…
Em & Lo