8/26/09
Dear Em & Lo: Should I Cheat on My Husband Who’s Abroad?

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Dear Em & Lo,

I read your articles, and you give great advice to other readers, so maybe you can help me! My husband lives in another country; he’s in the process of coming over here, but we aren’t even sure when! We have been apart for a year already, and we’ve been married for 3 years. The thing is, there’s this other guy. I do not want a relationship with him or anything, more like a one-night stand. Or a friends+benefits type thing? Is this wrong of me? I have been good for the past 3 years but I can’t take it anymore. How would I even ask a guy for a one-night stand? If my husband doesn’t know, it doesn’t hurt him, right? Plus, we don’t have any kids together. I really need your help.

— Married Without a Man

Dear MWAM,

Wait, we’re confused: you say you read our advice columns, and yet you’re asking us if you should secretly cheat on your husband?  If you read this site, then you should already know our answer to this question: NOFUCKINGWAY!

Traditionally, marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. You’ve only been hitched a measly three years — that’s nothing! And you’ve been apart for only a year. After 5, maybe even 3 years, we might be a little more sympathetic, but then again we have vibrators that have lasted longer than that — and you should too! Assuming your marriage vows included sexual fidelity (and it sounds like they have) then you need to either A) honor those vows, or B) renegotiate them with your husband. Cheating — even if it’s just a one-night thing — is not an option.

If you go with door A, then there are several things you can do to satisfy your longings. Invest in the aforementioned heavy-duty vibrators and use them. Fluff up your fantasy life. Have regular phone sex with your husband. Set up video chats between the two of you so you can masturbate simultaneously while watching each other. But most importantly, try to remember why you recently married this guy in the first place. When a person considers betraying their partner, it’s obvious some love and respect has been lost somewhere along the way — do a little soul-searching to try to get it back.

If you go with door B, then you need to be honest with him, in the kindest, gentlest, least offensive way possible. Explain to him how much you miss him and miss having sex with him, and how you’ve been feeling primal urges lately that are becoming too difficult to ignore. Would he consider some kind of arrangement for while you two are apart? One that wouldn’t negate your love or commitment, but one that might simply scratch that itch. Obviously, there are many steps to this kind of deal-making which we don’t have the room or time to go into, so you should check out Tristan Taormino’s book, “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” — it’s your best bet for having your cake and eating it too.

Winners never cheat, and cheaters never win,
Em & Lo


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15 Comments on "Dear Em & Lo: Should I Cheat on My Husband Who’s Abroad?"


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Frieda
6 years 2 months ago

Truly amazing how everyone missed my point. Everyone assumes I *want* to cheat. No desire to do so at all–unlike MWAM, there is no other guy in the picture, nor am I remotely inclined to look for another. So I’m not posting in the fear that I could be led to lying, deceit, or unfaithfulness. My point was that my husband moved across an ocean with minimal discussion and, apparently, without any understanding or concern about my feelings. Since he moved, he continues to pressure me to move–something he didn’t initially do when the job was offered. (“We’ll just visit… Read more »

Rei
6 years 5 months ago

That’s true kb, Frieda, just divorce him, save yourself any lying, deceit, and being unfaithful. Accept what has happened (him moving without blinking an eye) and get out of the marriage and into one with a husband that sees you everyday.

kb
6 years 5 months ago

Frieda-if you feel that he’s left you already, why not be honest and make that official before you sleep with someone else? I don’t really see what you’d be losing by doing it with dignity instead of sneaking around.

Frieda
6 years 5 months ago

Sorry to disappoint. I’m not the original poster, just someone who has doubts about her marriage as well. My husband is not fighting–he is not in the military. Unlike a soldier, he had a choice as to whether to stay living with me in the same city or going overseas. He chose to go when he knew that there was no way I could go with him. As for him divorcing me–with him there and the two of us apart with no clear plans as to when we’ll see each other next, I feel as if he has left me… Read more »

Rei
6 years 5 months ago

^So you are the poster then, with your quote: “The thing is, there’s this other guy. I do not want a relationship with him or anything, more like a one-night stand. Or a friends+benefits type thing? ” Then you say, quote: “It isn’t that I’m currently thinking of cheating or even have the opportunity,” So which is it? You want to cheat on your husband, then you aren’t thinking of cheating, you are confused. Sounds like your husband wanted to do something for his/your/our country, and fight for it. He’s fighting for you too you know. For your daughter. Buy… Read more »

Frieda
6 years 5 months ago

Well, I **am** having doubts. When I met my husband, we lived within a few miles of each other. We married and were together a little over a year and a half when he decided to accept a job overseas for three years!! We’d discussed the possibility for a year, but when they came back saying three, he didn’t blink. After he left, I spent entirely too much time answering calls from prospective employers in our area asking if he was still available, so it seems clear that he could have stayed with me. When he made this decision, he… Read more »

cody
6 years 5 months ago

I am a sailor in the navy and have been married for only a couple years and it truly hurts me to read questions like this when i am sacrificing my youth and possibly my life for my country and my beautiful young wife only to live with the haunting image of her just “having a one night stand”
please be honest with us ladies, its only fair that we should know if you are having doubts

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