Dear Em & Lo: Toys Terrify My Boyfriend
Tor 2 Couple’s Ring by Lelo

Dear Em & Lo,

I can climax really easily during masturbation, but I have never climaxed with my boyfriend. I really want to try out a toy during sex, as I think it will help, but every time I bring up the topic with my boyfriend he gets defensive about it. He says things like it’ll replace him and that I’ll want the toy more than him, and whatnot. It’s just that I really want to share an orgasm with him. What can I do?


Dear Unplugged,

Um, how about you tell your boyfriend that you want him to give up orgasms for 2012. If he complains, tell him that his hesitation makes you think that he cares about his orgasms more than he cares about you. And whatnot. This might help bring your point home…

Or perhaps you want to take a kinder, gentler approach. In which case you could go toy-shopping with him so that he can help you pick out a toy that doesn’t intimidate him so much. We can totally understand him not wanting to share the bed with a work-horse like a massage wand or a multi-tasker like a Rabbit. But what about a soft, flexible love ring with a built-in mini vibrator? Perhaps he wouldn’t feel so one-upped if he was wearing the toy himself. After all, a love ring isn’t much use to you if it’s not wrapped around his penis. (See the video below for an example of how they work.)

If a love ring is too daunting for him at first (after all, those toys are known as “cock rings” in less polite circles), perhaps a finger toy like the Fukuoku Power Pack would work for him. This turns his fingers into magical vibrating digits–again, he’s not being replaced, he’s simply being enhanced with a little battery power. If it makes him feel better you could promise that you’d never use the toy on your own without him.

Then again, we think he should quit his whining and stop being such a selfish jackhole. But that’s just us.

Bad cop, bad cop,

Em & Lo


  1. I could never understand why some men are so intimidated by sex toys while other men are all for it. Lighten up, guys! A toy will never replace the real thing, it just intensifies my orgasms. Isn’t that what a man would want? I’ll admit that when a men delivers a mind blowing orgasm to me, I follow him around like a puppy (literally, tongue out and tail up) LoL

  2. “just a guy” Do you really think that every woman can just plop down use a couple fingers and have a great orgasm?! Something tells you haven’t asked too many… I CAN NOT orgasm without a vibrator and not for a lack of trying. However toys aren’t meant to replace my boyfriend just like “oohlookasquirrel” described, my toys cant do anything my man can, but yet i still want a happy ending too. My boyfriend also see’s my small bullet as a “it can do what i cant” and its unfortunate because as “unplugged” mentioned i really just want to share an orgasm with him.

  3. Why do women date such close minded people. I’m sure he masturbates. Does he think his hand will replace his girlfriend?

    What a nightmare.

  4. Funny how chicks go on and on about not having an orgasm or something like ding-a-ling size yet sit there at home getting themselves off with a couple fingers…go figure.Women tend to be insecure/fragile creatures who enjoy dishing criticism out but usually can’t take it when it comes their way.Ive come to the conclusion that some women are monetary vultures who do not desire a decent guy but would much rather complain and diddle themselves w/ their 200 dollar dildos than actually contribute anything to a relationship.JMO

  5. …Uh…if it is absolutely necessary for the man to have his orgasm, then maybe I could understand comparing a “boob apparatus” to a vibrator. But…no. Not the same. She is not reaching climax–period. You can’t compare the two. Especially not when many vibrators are just that, vibrators, and not a substitute for the organ (penis) itself–whereas a “boob apparatus” (whatever the hell that is)somehow makes a partner’s body seem inadequate.

  6. ?

    are flat chested women willing to put some kind of big boob aparatus on their chests so a guy can have a decent ‘boob job’ with them? Two way street.How many are willing to try that i wonder? Think about it,just sayin’.

  7. My boyfriend and I had the same problem. I was never able to achieve an orgasm whenever we had sex, and he refused to try anything new- including sex toys!

    My friend told me about love rings and I tried out something called Tor from Lelo. It worked like magic for us. Personally, I think every guy should own a Tor. Not only does it make him harder and last longer, it also stimulates a woman’s clitoris during sex…problem solved for me!

    Tell him all these things and he just might reconsider 😉

  8. I think it’s understandable for him to feel a little threatened at first. After all, a vibrator does things that his body can’t possibly compete with, and toys come in all sorts of shapes and sizes while he is stuck with what he was born with. My boyfriend was wary at first, but now he’s happy to try out anything I bring home. I explained to him that there are a lot of different kinds of orgasms, and the ones I have without toys are awesome, but vibrator orgasms are great too (and sometimes a little mechanical assistance is appreciated). Also, my vibrators are not going to give me kisses, tease me, cuddle with me, suck on my nipples, make me soup when I have a cold, cheer me up when I’m sad, take me to dinner to celebrate things, etc. What really convinced him was getting him familiar with a Hitachi Magic Wand. He uses it on himself and really enjoys it, and he agrees that the sensations are different, and sometimes that’s really fun (or at least a nice change from the usual).

    The cock ring idea is great, because they make a guy’s erection really firm and angry-looking. He may find that the toy has some benefits for him, too. Oh, vibrators can also be great for foreplay if he’s feeling lazy or his tongue is getting tired. There are lots of great models for clitoral use only, things that don’t look in any way phallic, if he’s worried about you being disappointed with what nature gave him after trying something bigger.

  9. Johnny, I was thinking the exact same thing. There’s a great line in The Unbearable Lightness Of Being in which vertigo is described not as the fear of heights but as the fear that you’ll be compelled to throw yourself from a great height.
    Some dudes doth protest too-too much.

  10. If toys terrify your boyfriend, maybe its a sign that its time to look around… You want a partner like you willing to experiment, take chances, have fun, laugh, cry and make noise while making love ’till you’re both exhausted. A boy afraid of toys isn’t like to become that man.

  11. Well I agree with em and lo, for me my boyfriend came in and helped pick it out…and instead tested it out on me.It was amazing, I think he got over his fear from the look on his face, and the fact he always asks me to bring it when we plan to have fun

  12. I see his problem–since he can’t make her come that’s in a sense saying he’s inadequate. A toy would be a big reminder of this and he’s playing shoot the messenger.

  13. Is this made up, or are there really men that are intimidated by toys? Seriously?

    Ok, I can understand not being into this in bed (we don’t find all the same things hot), but being intimidated? Sorry, but that’s kinda stupid. We men could also use our own hands for hand jobs, but we still like it if girls do it. Girls and toys -> the same.

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