Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:
I had a dream last night about my husband and I having a threesome and I have been completely freaked out. In the dream we met a random woman who we befriended. One thing led to another and we took her to bed. I remember being completely fine with it until I found out that my husband would only be the second person and only the second time that she has slept with anyone. I tried putting it out of my mind and continued but I was suddenly jealous. During foreplay I looked at my husband and made it very clear that this would be the only time that we do this. Things continued to progress but I was able to wake myself before we went “all the way.”
This dream confused me for many reasons. My husband and I are completely closed to this subject as we agree it would be detrimental to our relationship. We are committed solely to each other. Another thing is that the only other person I have ever been with is a woman. I dated her for 7 years and while I enjoyed that time I have no desire to live that life again. I’d love to talk to him about this but it has taken 4 of the 5 years we’ve been together for me to convince him that I’m done with that part of my life and he fulfills my needs. Hoping you can help me figure this out. I’ve been thinking about it for hours. Thank you in advance!
Lauri: Dreams are confusing for many reasons. One, because we look at them literally rather than symbolically, and two, because we don’t realize that everything in the dream is really symbolic of a part of ourself or a part of our own life. In other words, the woman in this dream represents you!
Notice how, just like you, your husband is only the second person she has ever been with. So you need to ask yourself what it is you have invited into your marriage that you now regret. Is something starting to feel like a third wheel? Have either of you taken on a new job or project that is getting in the middle of your time together? Or is it something intangible like insecurity or a behavior that that is starting to be a problem?
My suspicion is that it is your past. In the dream you try to make it clear to your husband that the threesome with the woman will never happen again just as you have to convince him in real life that you would never be with another woman again. I think your dream is showing you that this is still a sticky wicket for hubby… or perhaps it is for you in that it bothered him for so long. Either way, I believe THAT is the third wheel. Heck, a lot of men would totally dig if that was part of their wife’s past. Nonetheless, my professional opinion is that this dream reflects that you are solely committed to hubby but it bothers you that your past bothers — or DID bother — him. The past is the past. You don’t live there anymore so stop letting it imprison you.
Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.
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I think that if I were married to a woman who was previously intimate with another woman/women in the past, how I would feel about that depends on the context.
If I were married to a woman where I was confident that she was devoted to me and the likelihood that she would eventually leave me for another woman was effectively zero, then I would actually enjoy that. I’d want to listen to her experiences, and learn more about her. Ideally, we could even look at the same kinds of erotica. I’d be delighted to be seated next to my partner, paging through a book or looking at different media online, each being titillated/aroused while also enjoying and being aroused by the other’s company. ‘d even consider a threesome where she and another woman were enjoying themselves while I either participated or watched. Again, in the context of a secure marriage where I am confident that my partner desires me above anyone else, I’d actually love to explore that.
On the other hand, if I were in a relationship or marriage where I didn’t feel emotionally secure (especially if there was sexual rejection of some kind), then I’d see it as being a strong negative because I’d be afraid that she was going to leave me for another woman. The underlying theme that I would fear would be “I so hate and despise you, and find you so repulsive and undesireable, that I not only reject you but your entire sex by association.” I would find that excruciatingly painful. I can very easily see this kind of thing also being used as a “surface argument”, where the real underlying issues (trust respect, compassion, honesty, being appreciated, et cetera) aren’t being directly verbalized and talked about. Here, your prior history becomes a convenient arguing point but it’s not the real problem – the real problem is what lies underneath.
I should add that I’m divorced and that my ex was emotionally and verbally abusive, and it started as sexual rejection and verbal abuse.
In short – if your marriage is healthy, your prior experiences would be a positive to some men. If your marriage isn’t healthy, then it’s a potential negative and smokescreen for what is actually making your marriage unhealthy.