Frisky Fiascos: Have They Ever Happened to You?

photo by BLW Photography

For an article in a national women’s magazine, we’re looking for people who’ve experienced any of the following bedroom bloopers. Bonus points if you’ve got a particularly funny or mortifying story related to the scenarios below. If you fit the bill and are willing to share the dirty deets (anonymity honored if need be), please get in touch in the comments below with an accurate email address (only we, Em & Lo, will see the email address) or via this contact form with the awkward moment(s) below that apply to you. (And though the scenarios are written from the female perspective, we’d still love to here from the fellas, too!)

  • Ten minutes ago, when you hopped into bed with him, you didn’t have your period. Now, suddenly, you do.
  • Ten seconds ago you really wanted to have sex with this guy–but whew! Up close he’s stinky!
  • You’re being undressed by your dream guy when he gets down on one knee and professes… his foot fetish?
  • Before your date you put Chicken Cutlets in your bra for a little extra oomph. Or maybe you wore Spanx to de-oomphasize your oomph. Now the guy is about to unhook your bra or take off your pants, and you’ve just remembered what’s in there.
  • You have a gagging problem.
  • Your boyfriend’s head is retreating under the covers when you remember you forgot to shower after your spinning class–and that’s the last thing you want to tell him right now!
  • You knew letting him snap naked pics of you on his phone was a bad idea–and now 5,000 people seem to know it too.
  • You’re having sex with a guy for the first time and he comes after .5 seconds, then jumps up and puts on his sweatpants. You’re SUPER frustrated, but not really comfortable telling him so.
  • The condom breaks.
  • You’re on the phone with your mom when your guy decides to be very VERY distracting.
  • You’re in the middle of a very romantic moment and you make the most embarrassing, South Park-esque noise down there.

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13 Comments on "Frisky Fiascos: Have They Ever Happened to You?"

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5 years 6 months ago

The second time I ever had sex was with a man who underestimated his size. I was also unfamiliar with my body and didn’t realize there is a period of time after my monthly cycle when I will not be able to get wet. The friction and overabundance was painful for me and the condom. It broke, leaving the tip stuck inside of me. That horrible hookup lead to more pain as I later learned my fears were not unfounded. I became pregnant at 16, just months after beginning my first semester at a prestigious college. I did not know how to remove the tip (it later worked its way out), which caused an infection, and lead to a miscarriage. I missed a week of classes because of the physical and emotional pain.

5 years 7 months ago

Thank you. Coming from a bible belt state, the only sex talk I’d had was from an “abstinence only” talk in school. I was 100% positive that I was going to be murdered that day. Or sent to boot camp. Possibly a nunnery. Her reaction was completely unexpected.

Also having to pick up a used condom that’s covered in dog vomit is a great way to deter teenagers from ever wanting to have sex EVER again.

5 years 7 months ago

I was 16, and still a virgin. Where I grew up, this was practically a condolence card situation. :( Moreover, my boyfriend’s family had moved 100 miles away and I was heartbroken.

Boyfriend saved up all the money he made that summer and came to visit for the holidays. From the moment I found out he was coming, my BFF and I planned for how I was going to lose my virginity. Looking back, those “plans” were way more intricate than intimate.

But boyfriend did come and stayed with his cousin. His family was really strict, very religious, so when he came to visit me, cousin came along as chaperone! I played hostess as best as I could, until I got a moment alone to call my BFF. She came over with her boyfriend and they distracted the cousin while I sneaked boyfriend up to my bedroom.

We’d just gotten to the point of 2nd base (remember, we’re 16), when I heard a noise. I stopped and listened, but everything was quiet. We went back to what we were doing and I heard the noise again. I motioned for my boyfriend to keep quiet, tiptoed to the door and flung it open. In fell BFF, her boyfriend and cousin. 😛

5 years 7 months ago

This story is a double whammy of embarrassments and I swear it’s nothing but the truth,Looking back, I now know how awesome my mom was to not put me six feet under.

When I was 17, my boyfriend (now ex, I was 17!!) were taking advantage of having the house to ourselves. We were using protection, and the condom broke – we didn’t find out until AFTER he pulled out. Where I live you can’t get the emergency pill if you’re under 18, you must have parental consent. After weighing my options, I decided that calling my mom immediately was in my better interests. I’d rather deal with her wrath than deal with a baby. The conversation went like this:

me: um…mom? I need to tell you something and uh… can’t be um…
mom: spit it out
me: um..well…we were using protection!!! we were being smart and like using condoms but..uh…IT BROKE!!!!!!!!!1 I NEED THE EMERGENCY PILL!!!!

I have never heard my mom laugh harder than that moment. Or longer. She laughed until she cried.

Later that night, my mom came home, (boyfriend had high tailed it by then) and as she was walking down the hall, she screamed at me to come pick up “my mess”. Being confused, I walked out to see what she was talking about.

It turns out that my boyfriend had thrown the used(!!!) condom in the trash where my DOG found it, had EATEN it, and VOMITED it up at my mom’s feet.

2 weeks later after, (my mom had gotten me the emergency pill) I was placed on birth control.