Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, get stuffed on our horos!
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t lead anyone on this week. Yes, it sucks to dump someone right before the holidays. But here’s the silver lining: You’ll be giving them the opportunity to wear their stretchy pants at the dinner table without having to dress nicely for you.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Just because Jealousy keeps showing up on your doorstep, doesn’t mean you have to invite it in for dinner. You know how Jealousy gets, belching at the table and hogging all the seconds. If Jealousy gets a place-setting, you risk driving away those you love.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re still living in the past and that won’t help you find love. This Thanksgiving, don’t spend the weekend moping over old photos and third-grade love letters. Get out and mingle with the locals. We’re sure there’s someone your mother has been dying to set you up with: What have you got to lose besides your dignity and self-respect?
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Give thanks for all the confidence you have, all the knowledge you possess, all the smooth moves you can throw down like butter, because they’re going to make you more appealing than a pool-sized vat of creamy mashed potatoes you could swim in naked. Now that’s hot.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re so hot this week you sizzle like a giant Butter Ball. Telephone the person that you’ve been admiring and let him or her know that you’re interested. But don’t call Thursday and disturb their Thanksgiving dinner. Wait until Friday. Friday is a good day.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, you might finally start to feel like settling down. Then again, it could just be a post-turkey food coma. Hold off on any rash decisions until next week, when there are no more leftover crescent rolls to cloud your judgement.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You won’t be safe from the onslaught of holiday propaganda about idealistically (i. e. impossibly) perfect familial love. It’ll get you dreaming about the future, love, commitment. You may even want to change your ways a bit to help make those dreams a reality. Sucker.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Check your motives when it comes to love. If you’re in it for the stuffing, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your priorities.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If love is a Thanksgiving Day feast, then you are in control of the kitchen. We’re talking about everything from preheating the oven to making the toast. And if you so choose to put mini-marshmallows in the yam casserole, well then that’s your right. And there’s no shame in that, because you’re the one wearing the apron (and nothing else, you dirty bird).
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Several Thanksgivings ago, Em set fire to the turkey. Not sure what to do, we called the fire department for “advice. ” But rather than offer counseling and cooking tips over the phone — apparently that’s against their policy — they sent over three truckloads of hunky New York City firefighters. Sigh. And the moral of the story is . . . um . . . yeah, there really isn’t one, we just like reliving the memory. But if you must have a moral, we suppose we could pull one outta our turkey hole: Go ahead and make that booty call, ’cause you may just be rewarded beyond your wildest fire-pole fantasies.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll have trouble hiding the way you feel. An overwhelming urge to spend every minute with someone you meet will take you by surprise. The stars say, Go for it! That means accepting the Thanksgiving dinner invitation to meet the potential future in-laws. It does not mean showing up unnannounced on Thursday with a cornucopia ice sculpture.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You know how after five hours of preparation, as you get closer to sit-down time, things start to move really quickly in the kitchen and timing is everything? If you don’t pay enough attention to the crescent rolls, they’ll come out burned; if you don’t baste the Tofurkey with love, it will be dry; and if you set out the cranberry sauce too soon, it will develop a thin, nasty crust. You have to act fast and stay calm if you want the fruits of your labor to be tasty. If you haven’t figured it out by now, this is a metaphor.