We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
Dear Em & Lo,
My bf and I have been together for about 3 months, and have been sexually active for about 4. My thing is, he has a domination kink. And while the idea of it (spanking, hair pulling, choking…) is appealing to me, the few times we have engaged in such activities, I haven’t enjoyed them as much as I would have hoped. Granted, we never really have eased into things, and we were both either tipsy or other such reasons. I want to try things like bondage and light domination but I’m worried. What do I do?
— Don’t Call Me Ms. Steele
Leave your advice for D.C.M.M.S. in the comments section below.
Sounds like you’ve already eased into it and the problem is you don’t like it as much as your BF does. But it also sounds like you don’t HATE it, and this isn’t an every-time thing. Maybe compromise is the answer. Maybe just go along with it once in a while even though it’s his thing more than your thing.
Maybe you’ll like bondage (which I don’t get, personally), and since it sounds like you’re willing to try it, go for it. But don’t be surprised if that doesn’t solve anything. I (like many men, I think) prefer the instant gratification of bare-handed domination. The idea of tying a woman up while wearing a studded black thong ordered special from Germany… like I said, I don’t get it and your BF might not either. But go for it if you think it might be fun for both of you.
… also, since you said you like the IDEA of this type of domination, is it possible that your bf is just… doing it “wrong?” Could he be dominating you in other ways that would feel better to you? Does he hair-pull too hard, slap to hard, use nasty names that bother you? If so, this is definitely something you can talk out:
“BF, I like rough sex too, but can you do more of this and less of that?”
While I haven’t tried this with a partner, I suspect that the basic principles of a healthy sexual relationship still apply.
1) Communication – make sure your partner knows what you like and what you don’t, and vice versa. You may want to try several sessions where the two of you are actively talking about what’s going on (Is the spanking too light? Too hard? Not quite in the right area?)
2) Explore it slowly, perhaps – you could try buying a pair of silk wrist restraints and try using just one. Or have it knotted so that you can untie it by yourself. Basically, take baby steps to ensure that you are enjoying the process.
3) Make sure there is lots of cuddling and aftercare. Debriefing the following day (while going for a walk, for example) might be easier to review how things went.
I am sure than more experienced readers will have other suggestions as well. Reading a good book on the subject would also be an excellent place to start.
Now that I think about it, reading a good book on the subject should have been my first suggestion.
Good luck!