How to Have Sex with a Vampire*

photo by Shawn Allen

1. Get your blood work done beforehand and make sure you bring condoms: while the undead can’t give you any STDs, infections you might have (especially blood-borne infections) can make for an unpleasant experience for your vampire.

2. Don’t eat any garlic for at least 72 hours beforehand.

3. Don’t give blood for at least a month beforehand: you’ll need all your reserves.

4. Remove any cross necklaces.

5. Avoid aggressive French kissing, lest you nick your tongue on their teeth (if you’ve ever bitten your own tongue, you’ll understand how painful this can be).

6. Request that your biting coincide with an orgasm — the rush of endorphins will help ease any pain, plus your increased heart rate will feel extra nice to your vampire.

7. Audible moaning to show you’re enjoying this pleasure-pain is always appreciated by a vampire.

8. Make sure you pack a snack (like a juice box and cookies) to eat immediately afterward to help with any wooziness.

9. Expect to be kicked out before sun up, and don’t take it personally.

10. Have a turtleneck or scarf on hand to wear home.

*For those of you one newt’s eye short of a witch’s brew, the above is Halloween fiction and is not intended as actual sex advice. You should not be breaking skin or letting anyone break your skin during sex: gentle hickeys are the best you can hope for. Happy Halloween!

Say Something

7 Comments on "How to Have Sex with a Vampire*"

3 years 2 months ago

Excuse me, but is anyone going to the 24th annual vampire ball in New Orleans. I heard the royal vampire prince will be in attendance.
Good Luck

4 years 11 months ago

@sugarmag – Remember when Angel drank Buffy’s blood to cure him of the poison Faith shot into him? She had to have a transfusion, but when Dracula bit her, she was fine. It’s all about how much blood they take. Also, Riley was bit repeatedly after he found out about Buffy getting bit by Dracula.

4 years 11 months ago

RetroRiotGRRRL, that made me laugh so hard. I used to actually think vampires were quite sexy, and then along came Edward Cullen and kicked all the fun out of it. Oh well there’s always Brad Pitt in Interview with a Vampire.

To judge me, join me.

4 years 11 months ago

yeah but I’m not sure about the snack. If a vampire bites you you’ll be dead, right? So you won’t need a snack. I have not read or watched any twilight so I don’t know about that, more of a Buffy fan here.

4 years 11 months ago

Although the thought of a sparkly vampire hard on is ridiculous enough to make me want to cry (from laughter).