How to Have Sex with a Vampire*

vampire_fangsphoto by dreamglow

  1. Don’t eat any garlic for at least 72 hours beforehand.
  2. Don’t give blood for at least a month beforehand: you’ll need all your reserves.
  3. Get your blood work done beforehand and make sure you bring condoms: while the undead can’t give you any STDs, infections you might have (especially blood-borne infections) can make for an unpleasant experience for your vampire.
  4. Remove any cross necklaces.
  5. Avoid aggressive French kissing, lest you nick your tongue on their teeth (if you’ve ever bitten your own tongue, you’ll understand how painful this can be).
  6. Request that your biting coincide with an orgasm — the rush of endorphins will help ease any pain, plus your increased heart rate will feel extra nice to your vampire.
  7. Audible moaning to show you’re enjoying this pleasure-pain is always appreciated by a vampire.
  8. Make sure you pack a snack (like a juice box and cookies) to eat immediately afterward to help with any wooziness.
  9. Expect to be kicked out before sun up, and don’t take it personally.
  10. Have a turtleneck or scarf on hand to wear home.

*For those of you one newt’s eye short of a witch’s brew, the above is Halloween fiction and is not intended as actual sex advice. You should not be breaking skin or letting anyone break your skin during sex: gentle hickeys are the best you can hope for. Happy Halloween!

This post is a part of Sundance Channel’s Naked Love Blog
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5 Comments on "How to Have Sex with a Vampire*"

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My girlfriend is a vampire, when she bites me it hurts but at the same time she rides me so it feels a ton better. I love when she eats me when shes horny. Whenever I get cuts she sucks the blood and its really hard for her to stop so i just let her continue. Whenever she orgasms she squeals really loud and she starts shaking and she squirts all over my dick. It feels amazing being screwed by a vampire, all the force and compassion in the sex! Mmm. I love it! I love having sex with a… Read more »

I actually dated a vampire and believe me, the sex alone was worth it!! I have no solid proof he was a vampire, but there were tell-tale signs. But being with him made me realize what all the mystery’s about and understand the appeal of Twilight.

King Lestat777

very smart! lol but garlic just makes them taist better! mmmmmmmmmm but other then that! I love it! xxoo bite bitte!


Lol. I love your disclaimer. 🙂


Ha! Love it.