8/14/15
How to Make Masturbation with a Vibrator Feel Less Lonely

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a 24-year-old woman who hasn’t had sex in 4 years, 10 months, 15 days, 5 hours, 51 minutes…well, you get the idea. I had my first boyfriend when I was twenty and it lasted for four months. He was my first sexual partner, and as of today, my last.

I have had a vibrator since I was 12, and it has been a great tool to get me off, but also to discover what I like. Using a vibrator has not made me numb, in fact, it has made me more sensitive, and I had at least one orgasm, if not more, per sex session with my ex. We broke up because of personality issues…he didn’t have one.

Fast forward to now, and it’s been a very looooong time since I’ve had sex or any sexual intimacy with a man. Just my vibrator. But it’s not doing it for me anymore. Every time I use it, I do orgasm, but it feels so empty and unfulfilling, even if I use a dildo. Sure, it gets rid of the horniness, but I unplug it, put it back into its drawer, and lie in bed. Alone. Plainly speaking, I miss having a penis inside me and the big manly arms holding me. I also miss kissing and cuddles. I miss the smell of a man, burrowing my fingers into his hair, his hot breath on my neck that sends chills down my back…BUT I digress.

I’m not into one-night stands, or “friends with benefits” (even if I did have male friends, who weren’t gay). I want a boyfriend to be intimate with, to feel comfortable with and to explore our bodies together. But because of my weight (I’m 100 lbs overweight), I feel extremely unattractive and I know that men my age think I’m ugly because of it. According to the opposite sex, I’m invisible.

So, I’m asking, what can I do to “help myself” until I either find the right guy who likes me for the way I look or lose enough weight to be considered attractive? How do I scratch this damned itch that only a penis attached to a warm human body can scratch? Keep in mind that it might take another four years, which at that time I should just join a freakin’ nunnery, to be in a relationship.

Thank you,
Sick of Playing Solitaire

Dear SOPS,

Wow, that’s a toughie. If there was a vibrator that kissed, cuddled, breathed on your neck, and wrapped its big manly arms around you, then we’d be selling it on our site (for a very reasonable markup, honest!). That said, a super-sized, heavy-breathing, groping silicone dong sounds like the stuff that B-movie horror flicks are made of. Attack of the 50-Foot Dildo, anyone? Not exactly the kind of intimacy you’re looking for — even science fiction can’t help you here.

So you need to find a way to make sex with your vibrator feel a little more real (rather than Real Doll). Which means you’re going to have to up the ante on your fantasy life. You do have a fantasy life, right? Because if you don’t, this would be a very good time to start. It’s very easy — especially with the super-powered vibrators available today — to lie back and let your Original Magic Wand (nee Hitachi) do all the heavy lifting. After all, it’s almost impossible not to have an orgasm with one of those babies — even if your mind wanders and you start to think about what you could whip up for dinner using last night’s leftovers. But fantasizing will give you a whole different kind of orgasm — it’s a way of tricking your mind (not to mention your genitals) into thinking that you’re actually having hot monkey sex with a partner who smells so good you want to bury your face in his hair.

1) Read erotic fiction. There are literally thousands of anthologies out there. Try Sweet Life 2: Erotic Fantasies for Couples by Violet Blue, or Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories or Tasting Her: Oral Sex Stories, both by Rachel Kramer Bussel. Or read romance novels! Or the dirty parts of Anne Rice novels (or better yet, novels by her smutty alter-ego, A.N. Roquelaure). Whatever floats your little man in the boat.

2) Write erotic fiction. Instead of counting down exactly how many seconds it’s been since you’ve had sex, why not write down some of your more memorable sexual experiences from four years ago? Feel free to embellish! In fact, this is fiction: Why not write a short story about a hot one-night stand with one of the Republican candidates who debated last week at the kid table? (Kidding…but we’re sure you don’t need help coming up with your own fantasy hottie.) If the idea of fiction gives you writer’s block, then just write a dirty letter to someone real or imaginary — no need to mail it, of course!

3) Watch porn. It’s not for everyone — and who knows, it may only exacerbate your desire for intimacy — but it’s got to be worth a try. Check out our recent post on five types of porno for ladies to try.

4) Don’t take yourself for granted. We know that after a dozen years of regular masturbation, you’re a pretty sure thing, but that doesn’t mean you don’t still need seducing every now and then. Click here for our recent post about getting yourself in the mood. And yes, we’re talking about candlelight.

5) Join an online dating site to “window shop,” heh. Sure, you might not be ready to get back into the dating game yet, but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t browse the dating sites for a little fantasy material. For some PG-rated window-shopping, Match.com will be all you need. But if you’re up for exchanging some saucy emails with a beautiful stranger, try a site like AdultFriendFinder.com. Just be clear that you’re only looking for dirty talk (or dirty text…) so you’re not leading anyone on.

We can’t promise that any of this will replace a real-life penis (with a man attached attached), but at least it’ll spice up your masturbation routine until said man does come along. Speaking of: We don’t know where you got the idea that all men your age think you’re ugly because of your weight, but we think you should try to prove yourself wrong. You know those dating sites we were talking about — Match.com, we mean, not AdultFriendFinder — well, we think you should give it a shot. Sure, you might feel invisible in a nightclub where skinny jeans and superficial judgments rule the day, but online, everyone gets a shot at a first impression.

Keep on buzzing,

Em & Lo