There are a lot of presuppositions and myths about anal sex:
- Men want it more.
- It’s not pleasurable for her.
- Being receptive is only for gay guys.
- Everyone’s doing it apart from you.
- There’s no such thing as an anal orgasm.
So on and so forth.
But why should this be? As part of a loving relationship, or even as part of a brief and hot encounter, anal play (whether with a finger, a butt plug, an anal dildo or a penis) has a lot to offer. Not to mention, the relative taboo nature of anal is part of its appeal for many participants.
There are two tricky obstacles to overcome. First, how do you initiate it when you want it and second, how do you make anal sex more pleasurable and enjoyable?
Initiating Anal Sex: Receiving
When you decide you’re ready to receive anal sex, you need to be in control of it from start to finish. That means you need to make it obvious that you want it, because your partner might be too uncertain to initiate it without your express permission.
The easiest way to tell your partner you want anal sex is, well, to tell them you want anal.
Many people aren’t so good at picking up dropped hints or reading the subtlety of your body language, so telling them directly and explicitly that you want it is the only failsafe approach. Plus it means you’re able to talk about things like possible boundaries, previous experiences, etc.
Now, there are two ways to go about this. You can ask your partner explicitly while you’re already having sex, which many people might find feels more comfortable and natural. However, it doesn’t exactly make it easy to have an extended conversation about the aforementioned boundaries or your reservations or necessary safety measures if you’re an anal sex beginner.
You can bring it up beforehand through flirty texting or emailing, which certainly sets up the anticipation, however it does have two possible drawbacks: one, you may no longer be in the mood when it comes to it, and two, they might think that’s all you want, so they’ll focus on that and leave the rest of your body wanting.
Another approach, particularly as you get more comfortable with anal sex, is to tell your partner by showing; start with self stimulation (or guiding your partner’s hand) or using a small vibrator made for anal play (ie: has a flared base and is made of non-porous body-safe materials).
Initiating Anal Sex: Giving
Does anal sex hurt? It can, especially if you’re not prepared (see below). But is anal sex pleasurable? Yes, potentially. But you need to approach it… sensitively.
It should go without saying, but if your partner hasn’t initiated it or said outright that they are open to trying anal sex, you need to ask.
Generally speaking, anal stimulation during sex can be somewhat divisive, and ‘just going for it’ is not okay.
So exactly as above, there are several options available: ask them directly during sex or foreplay or bring it up beforehand via text or email. You can hint at what you want by paying their butt some extra attention during foreplay and gauging the reaction, but you always need explicit permission first before penetration.
But remember, good dirty talk does count as good communication.
Make Anal Sex More Pleasurable
- Be prepared. You should both be ready for it, equipped with condoms (see below) or perhaps latex gloves if fingers are being used, and the receiver should probably go to the bathroom beforehand to make sure things are clear & clean.
- Put the receiver in the driver’s seat. Remember that if you’re receiving anal sex, you need to be in control of it, to whatever degree you want. You will need to control the speed and your partner will need to listen to you, otherwise it will be uncomfortable and it will stop. The opportunity might be lost until some trust can be rebuilt.
- Position. You already know that all positions are not created equal, so explore some of the anal sex positions that are best for beginners, as they let the receiver take more control.
- Lube. You probably already know that lube or a high-quality intimate moisturizer is essential for anal sex. The more the better. Apply enough to squeeze a manatee through a letterbox, and then apply more. The more lube involved, the more pleasurable it will be for both of you. It’s as simple as that. Don’t use oil-based lube as it degrades latex.
- Condoms. Condoms are great for anal, and not only because they enhance your sexual safety. Condoms actually make anal sex better because their smoothness responds better to lube than skin does. Condoms glide easier, and as a result are more comfortable. Same goes for latex gloves if you’re using fingers for penetration.
- Anal Sex Toys. Whether as a ‘warm up’ or the main event, a butt plug, vibrating prostate massager or dildo made for anal-play can feel great. As a reminder though, any toy that is used anally should have a flared base to avoid it accidentally disappearing inside you, and anything used anally needs to be washed or covered with a clean condom before being used in another orifice.
- Pay attention to other areas. If you’re playing with her butt, try simultaneously stimulating her clitoris or other erogenous zones, perhaps with a vibrator. If you’re playing with his butt, make sure you give some love and attention to his penis at the same time. This will double the intensity of the sensations and potentially build up to a really fulfilling orgasm for the receiver.
To Sum Up
The most important part of enjoying better anal sex, or any kind of sex for that matter, is talking. The most sensitive erogenous zone is between the ears, stimulate that one and the sex will always be mind-blowing.
Want even more specific anal tips?
An EXHAUSTIVE Beginner’s Guide