Is It Okay to Use a Vibrator That’s Bigger Than My Boyfriend?
We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been with my boyfriend eight years, and sometimes we use toys. He’s about five to five and a half inches, and I would like to try something just a little bit bigger around — but he thinks it’s going to make me big down there. I don’t think it will . What do you think?
— Size Queen
What I don’t get is why so oftenly it’s said “don’t get jealous of a vibrator, I don’t get jealous of your hand.” 1. A hand isn’t battery operated
2. A hand doesn’t have to be hidden or kept secret
3. You don’t have to pay for it.
Point being, it would probably be much more easily understood for a guy to deal with his GF masterbating with her Hand, than buying something bigger, longer lasting, and battery operated.. is a guy really out of line for being jealous of that? If a guy gets a pocket pussy that’s tighter than his GF with a ball tickling attachment 9 out of 10 women would probably be jealous of that too!!
Of course it’s okay–and obviously I’m assuming you’ve talked him out of this “stretched out” silliness, that as Ralphie/Em & Lo pointed out is easily debunked (as lots of parents can tell you). As Johnny pointed out, what we’re really talking about is his insecurity.
Think of it this way… a vibrator can do things no tongue could possibly do. Does that mean a partner will never want oral again because you’re tongue can’t do 10,000 RPMs? Similarly, this dildo isn’t a threat to the partner, it’s just another thing to work into the action sometimes… or not other times. Now, maybe what he’s worried about is that she’ll get off from this dildo in a way that he can never achieve without it. Maybe she’ll decide she needs a bigger guy all the time, and will leave him in search of a larger schlong.
Chances are very good that’s not the case here. She merely wants to try something different, as lots of people do. She might not like it at all. She might like it a little bit. She might love it… sometimes. But it’s highly unlikely she will suddenly just want this one thing, all the time. Just like she’s craving variety now, she (like most people) will likely want more continued variety than just this bigger dildo. That means sometimes oral, sometimes a vibrator, sometimes other toys, sometimes this position, sometimes that position… you get the point. She’s not asking for a penis upgrade here, she’s merely suggesting trying out one additional thing of potentially many to bring into the repertoire.
The issue is this guy’s seeing this dildo as a threat, when the the real threat to continued sexual interest on both sides is a willingness to keep things interesting and try new things.
C,mon Em & Lo, this is an easy one for ya. Heck, haven’t you answered this many, many times before. If I remember correctly you’ve told letter writers before about the elasticity of the female anatomy and how sex toys, or different sexual partners, will not stretch it out of shape. I think you’ve also told letter writers that, if they are concerned about this, they can always do Kegel exercises to help stay in shape, as well as to increase her and partner’s sexual pleasure (along with the other health benefits that these exercises can provide). And besides, you could probably do better than any of us amateurs addressing that maybe the issue is her long time boyfriend’s sense of inadequacy rather than any real concerns about her being stretched out.
Fair point, Ralphie! And you’re right on all of the above. I guess what we should have made more clear is that we were hoping people would chime in on the etiquette of the issue, too. Because we’re guessing that while the boyfriend claims he’s worried about his partner’s vagina getting too stretched (er, that thing’s made to let babies through!), what he’s really concerned about is feeling insignificant next to a bigger toy… and perhaps that his partner will then see (and maybe even feel him) differently. Is there anything you can say to a partner to convince him that this isn’t the case?
” what he’s really concerned about is feeling insignificant next to a bigger toy… Is there anything you can say to a partner to convince him that this isn’t the case?”
Nope. If you have a dildo that’s larger than your man’s penis, it’s because you crave a larger phallus than your man’s penis. There’s just no way around that.
It comes down to how confident or insecure the guy is in the first place. If he’s super confident in his ability to please a woman, or if he isn’t hung up on dick size, or if he just has a great sense of humor, he might be able to laugh off your 10-inch dildo.
… but if he’s ashamed of his five-and-a-halfer, or if he deeply believes that smaller dicks can’t please as well as bigger ones, or that women always want the biggest one they can get, then there’s nothing you can say to convince him that he’s adequate. There is no body image issue under the sun more intense and debilitating and all-consuming than the male penis one. It’s the one with the least remedy. There’s no make-up for your dick, no pill you can take, no surgery, no diet, no push-up underwear, no gym that can change a damn thing about it. You get one dick, and you’re stuck with it.
If it’s the latter, just hide your giant dildo.
… or, since this is a long-term relationship that you’re obviously both committed to, maybe you could make a long-term project out of cultivating my former condition: confidence in his abilities as a lover.
But seriously, I’d focus on making him feel awesome in bed, and stay away from trying to explain the great big dildo.
One idea is to use something like the Rhino cock sleeve. Increases his girth and length, yet he still gets to feel like he’s in control, and it’s sort of still “his” cock. Not necessarily the perfect solution, but certainly an idea to throw into the mix, and something that might be interesting for the couple to talk about.
While we’re all for mixing things up in bed, and we’re all for both parties being comfortable with adding sex toys into the mix, we’d venture that something like the Rhino sleeve should only ever be suggested by the guy in question (unless he has asked for specific suggestions along these lines). Otherwise it seems that suggesting this would do the opposite of what Johnny suggests, i.e. boosting his sexual confidence.
Haha–yes, I’m a confident guy, but if a partner suggested some kind of cock sleeve… that would rattle any guy!
My apologies Em (and Lo) as I was getting a little snarky yesterday. As with many things in relationships, it really is an issue of communication. Since they already are using toys in bed, maybe the letter writer just needs to approach it a little slower and let her significant other get used to the larger toys and see that they are not a threat to either his masculinity or his relationship.
No worries, Ralphie, after more than 15 years writing online, we can handle a little snark!
Well good chance she might see/feel him differently afterwards – assuming she likes more girth. No need for her to deny that 🙂
As a smaller guy I’d say honesty is the best policy. If she likes the bigger toy then just tell him it gives a different feeling to him – not neccessarily better just different – and she likes both. He already knows he isnt huge so that shouldnt be too much of a shock to him. Plus he’d maybe like seeing her pleasured in a way that he can’t do.
Jon, if only all smaller-than-average guys were as confident as you! Sure, there’s no reason why a guy shouldn’t accept a differently proportioned toy as simply that — something different. But I have a feeling that most smaller guys couldn’t handle being told that a woman wanted a toy that was girthier than them… but, hey, we can dream, right?
Hi Em. It’s not just confidence, also a bit of realism. I’m smaller than this girl’s boyfriend and I certainly wouldn’t have a problem with her enjoying the feeling of something bigger. If she’s happy then it has to be a good thing. Better that than her missing out on something because she’s scared of shattering my ego.
Seems to me that girl’s tend to think they have to walk on eggshells if a guy has a small penis in case she offends him. Sometimes the worry isn’t having a small one it’s wondering what she really thinks – like if she says oh your size is fine does she really mean that or is she secretly wondering how bigger would feel but doesn’t want to tell me. A bit more honesty would be the way around that – something like everything’s great between us but sometimes I just want to feel something bigger. Do you think some girls would be worried about having that sort of conversation with their guy?
I dunno man – you sound really comfortable with yourself and with women and with sex. Not every guy is like you. In fact, I’d say a huge percentage of guys aren’t that way. I don’t see such a conversation going well with an insecure, shame-filled guy who has a chip on his shoulder.