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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-14-14

October 14th, 2014

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If we had a dime bag for every time the stars told us to convey the message “Get out and strut your stuff and you will attract all sorts of interesting attention,” we’d be stoned out of our minds. Fortunately the stars don’t deal in narcotics, so we’re still clear-headed enough to be able to tell you this: Get out and strut your stuff and you will attract all sorts of interesting attention.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your attention span for relationships currently rivals that of the average “Girl Meets World” Disney viewer. Consequently, don’t dabble in anything too serious — instead, surround yourself with a poo-poo platter of mini-flings to suit your tastes. Maybe next week you’ll grow up a bit. . . uh, we mean, be ready to make a few important decisions.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You wouldn’t happen to have feelings for more than one person, now, would you? Come on, you can tell us. Maybe you’re feeling just a little tug from someone in another direction. . . We knew it! We have no advice for you, we just wanted to see if we were right.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You won’t have any trouble finding love this week, but if you are too accommodating and decide to spread yourself around, you may hurt someone’s feelings. There is something to be said for monogamy. And that’s not even coming from us monogamy whores — that’s coming straight from the stars!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We talk a big game here about not assuming exclusivity in a relationship until you’ve had “the talk,” but dating in a plural sense is not for the faint of heart. No matter how honest you are with everyone involved (you have been honest with everyone, haven’t you?), you can only keep it going for so long before someone starts to get upset, pouty, jealous, or psycho. We’re only human, after all, and “thanks so much for the great head, I have to go shower for my next date” doesn’t make anyone feel warm and fuzzy. It might be time to make like the Bachelor/ette and start kicking some of your followers to the curb. If you can arrange to have them picked up in a limo, that would be a nice touch.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Put a collar on yourself and hand your date the leash. Let them lead the way. Better to see where they’re going rather than taking off for the nearest fire hydrant and embarrassing yourself. (We don’t intend for you to take this advice literally, unless you’d like to dabble in a little BDSM role playing . . . in which case, don’t use a real dog collar but a made-for-play one, and always lead from the front!)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You should consider wearing one of those “keep back fifty yards” t-shirts this week. Proximity to hotties will get you all flustered, and not in an endearing way — we’re talking pit stains and clammy hands. If you don’t want someone to see you lose your cool this early on in the seduction process (and trust us, it won’t be pretty), then keep your distance. And wear deodorant.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Apparently “talk will get you exactly what you want” this week. So we recommend setting your sights a little higher than simply using your new-found oratorical skills to order a particularly complicated sandwich at the deli.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Ironically, staying very busy this week will be the key to finding someone to lie around in bed with all day.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t just sit there thinking about your love life (that’s our job) — get out there and do something about it. Like what, you ask snottily? Well, let’s see, things that won’t get you a date include: whining to us, whining to your therapist, whining to your goldfish, trimming your toe nails. Things that might get you a date include: going to your ten/twenty-year high school reunion, joining a community service group, actively using the Personals, becoming rich and famous. Oh, and if you do get a date, trim your toe nails first.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re looking for that special connection who makes your face flush, your heart pound, and your genitals. . . well, let’s not get into that. Get involved in a physical activity you really enjoy and it might just lead you to that special someone. And if not — hey, at least the physical exertion will make your face flush and your heart pound. Like Meatloaf said, two out of three ain’t bad.

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How to Make Masturbation Feel More Intimate

October 10th, 2014


photo via flickr

We often hear women complain that masturbation just doesn’t do it for them, simply because there’s no man or woman attached to the end of the sex toy. In other words, they want masturbation to provide not just sex, but also intimacy. So, how do you make masturbation feel more intimate?

Okay, first things first: You are masturbating, right? Because if you’re not, then our job is simple: You’ve got to start self-loving! Every time you feel the itch, scratch it! (Not literally, of course, unless that’s your thing.) The better you get at masturbation, more natural it will feel, and the more comfortable you will feel pleasuring yourself. And there is a kind of intimacy to this level of comfort with your own body and your own desire.

But if you want to turn the intimacy up to eleven, then you have to treat masturbation like sex, rather than treating it like brushing your teeth (or like scratching an itch). Sure, you could just grab your vibe, place it where it counts, and let it do its thing. And sure, you might even climax that way. But there are more intense experiences to be had if you seduce yourself first: take a long bubble bath with a glass of wine, dim the lights, play some sultry tunes. You know, everything that you’d do if you were about to have romantic anniversary sex with the love of your life.

And don’t neglect your fantasy life. Vibrators are so powerful these days, so freakin’ reliable, that it’s easy to get lazy about fantasizing and just let the mechanics take over. After all, a work-horse like the Hitachi Magic Wand can sometimes get the job done whether you’re in the mood for it or not! But that’s no excuse not to get in the mood. That’s where the romance novels et al come in:  Spend some quality time with a romance novel/graphic novel/erotica collection/episode of Masters of Sex/porno/whatever your favorite turn-on is.

Also, if you’ve always relied on a toy, maybe try experimenting with just your right hand and some lube — that might help things feel a little more, well, personal. Or treat yourself to a subtle, pebble-like vibrator that sits in the palm of your hand and complements your masturbation session, rather than taking charge of it completely. We can’t think of a better reason to splurge on a proper, grownup pleasure object by Lelo!

If you have a partner and your masturbation sessions are simply an extracurricular addition to your sex life (perhaps you’re long-distance, for example) maybe your partner would be willing to provide some fantasy material for you. (How could they object? We think that everyone, men especially, secretly wants to be objectified!) Ask your partner to write you a love and/or lust letter. Look at a photo of your partner, scantily clad.

If you’re currently single, then use photographs of people you once slept with and recall fondly, or people you’d like to sleep with (Face — or, hell, even celebrities! There are no rules in your fantasy life.

And write your own dirty letter, too — it doesn’t have to be addressed to anyone specific. In fact, you don’t ever have to show it to anyone at all. But writing down everything you wish that someone was doing to you right now, and everything you wish you could do to that person, will help get you in the mood. Especially if you imagine someone specific reading it (or, what the hell, imagine the letter getting into the wrong hands if that turns you on!). Then stash the letter in your night-stand for those special alone moments.

Remember, the better you get at masturbation, the more intimate it will feel. And the more intimate your masturbation sessions, the more likely you are to demand more from your real, live, human partners. And the less likely you are to take crap from someone, just because they turn you on. And there you were thinking masturbation was just a way to scratch an itch! It’s actually revolutionary, therapeutic… and, yes, intimate, when you do it right.

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Dream Interpretation: I Dreamed of the Guy Who Asked Me to Get an Abortion

October 9th, 2014

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I keep having dreams of a guy I had a fling with 3 years ago. I ended up getting pregnant and thought it was his and he wanted me to abort. Thank goodness I kept it and it was not his. That made me lose all respect for him, so why in the world does he keep popping up in my dreams?

Lauri: That is a good question and hopefully I can help you! You didn’t provide any details from the dreams, so I will do my best with what you’ve given me.

We tend to dream about things that are affecting us the most because our dreams are trying to help us out with it. While the guy may not be affecting you, odds are, remnants from the situation remain and that is what is affecting you. The guy has become a symbol for it. He wanted you to cut your pregnancy short but instead you allowed your pregnancy to go to term and you were rewarded with, not only a beautiful child, but also with the knowledge that he was not the father. A valuable lesson was learned.

So perhaps he is showing up in your dreams now because something else is going on in your life that you are feeling pressure (from others or even self imposed pressure) to put an end to. He could be a subconscious reminder that it is best to allow something to play out or to go ahead and follow through with something rather than putting a stop to it.

Life is full of mistakes that result in valuable lessons. Those lessons will often be imprinted into our subconscious minds in the form of the person who helped us learn the lesson. So remember, the dreams are probably not about him but rather the lesson that miserable sumabitch taught ya: don’t be like this guy and give up prematurely!
Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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Poll: Is Ben Affleck More or Less Attractive After His Appearance on “Real Time”?

October 8th, 2014

Okay, we know this is a stretch for a sex & relationships website, but we just are having so much fun reading all the debates over last week’s episode of Real Time, in which host Bill Maher and guest Sam Harris, a “new atheist” author, clashed with actor Ben Affleck over whether it’s appropriate to criticize the ideology of Islam, or whether that smacks of racism and xenophobia. There have basically been two camps of response: “Ben Affleck for president!” and “Aw man, now I’m not going to get to see Gone Girl because I don’t want to support this bloviating idiot.” Watch the clip below, if you haven’t already, and let us know where you fall.


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The 10 Most Romantic “Monster” Movies

October 8th, 2014

It’s Halloween time, when every network piles on the scary movies. We’re not ones for blood and gore, but give us a good love story, and we’ll happily take a fright or two. Not that these ten flicks are all that frightening, or blood-curdling, or horrifying — they’re mostly pretty tame compared to the usual October fare. (The scariest thing about this list is the prevalence of bad 80s hairdos and synth pop throughout.) No, these 10 films probably won’t turn your blood cold; instead, they’ll warm your heart. By the way, as a matter of principal, we left off the Twilight trilogy completely — not only did we use romance as a criteria, we used quality, too. Warning: spoilers ahead!

1. Bram Stoker’s Dracula

A lot of people like to claim that Francis Ford Coppola’s 1992 rendition of the 19th century novel is the truest to the book, despite the fact the entire love story between Dracula and Mina — the central element of the movie — was nowhere in Stoker’s manuscript! (And there certainly wasn’t any half-man half-beast date rape in the novel, either.) But that doesn’t make the flick any less romantic: A guy who forsakes God, becomes a vampire, and waits 400 plus years just to be with you again? That’s not scary, that’s sweet. (What’s scary are Keanu Reeves’ and Winona Ryder’s horrendous British accents.)

 

2. The Corpse Bride

Tim Burton’s 2005 stop-motion animated fantasy details the Victorian era love triangle between a shy woman (Emily Watson), her awkward fiance whom she’s just met (Johnny Depp), and the ghost who wants to marry him herself (Helena Bonham Carter). Having been killed on her wedding day, ghost Emily is eternally always a bridesmaid, never a bride — but when she finally gets the chance to tie the knot, she realizes that when you love someone you have to set them free. Awwwwwww! Honorable mention goes to Burton’s Nightmare before Christmas for the love story between Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King, and animated rag doll Sally — their duet in the final scene is one of the sweetest love songs ever:

 

3. The Fly

Probably the grossest of the films in our list, 1986′s The Fly, directed by David Cronenberg (of course), stars Jeff Goldblum as the mad scientist working on teleportation and Geena Davis as the reporter who falls for him. (That the two were falling in love in real life during the filming only adds to their on-screen chemistry.) Not only is The Fly about a guy with a god complex slowly becoming a disgusting fly-man hybrid after a sci experiment gone wrong, it’s also about the dangers or jealousy, the inherent right of women to have autonomy over their own bodies, and the tragedy of loving someone who’s really, really wrong for you.

 

4. Ghost

The Dirty Dancing of ghost stories, this 1990 film is most famous for the threeway scene between Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore, and Whoopie Goldberg. Just kidding, it’s most famous for increasing cultural interest in pottery classes and making super short hair on girls cool for the first time since Rosemary’s Baby. Despite the cheesy demon shadows and heavenly silhouettes, there really are some nice moments exploring the depths of love and loss.

 

5. Near Dark

Before Kathryn Bigelow won a Best Director Oscar for The Hurt Locker, she made this 1987 Western/biker movie, which Time Magazine called “the all-time teenage vampire love story.” It’s a blood-soaked star-crossed lovers story, you see, except with a happy ending: Mae, a vampire, and her victim Caleb, must escape the violent clutches of her disapproving, bloodsucking family in order to walk off into the sunrise together.

 

6. Warm Bodies

This is another Romeo and Juliet remake (the main characters are “Julie” and “R”) complete with balcony scene and a Hollywood happy ending. It’s about the transformative power of romantic love — so transformative in fact that it can turn zombies human again. If only it could make your partner’s irksome bad habits disappear, too. (Btw, is it wrong to think main dead guy Nicholas Hoult is hotter with his zombie makeup on?)

 

7. Only Lovers Left Alive

Written and directed by Jim Jarmusch, this 2013 vampire film captures the banality of long-term relationships (Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston’s marriage is centuries old), without giving up on the romance of true love. Or the potential for continued eroticism. This pasty yet sexy, depressed yet funny couple make marriage so cool. The kickass soundtrack doesn’t hurt, either.

 

8. Bride of Frankenstein

Poor Monster. So alone in world, so alienated. He just want love. Just want understanding. A friend, a mate, a bride. But when Dr. Frankenstein creates one for his monster, complete with awesome hair and wicked goth makeup, she’s just not ready to settle down. “She hate me. Like others.” Heartbroken, Boris Karloff and his neck bolts decide that if he can’t have her, no one else will — indeed, no one else should. “We belong dead.”

 

9. King Kong

Not one, but three versions of this story (1933, 1976, 2005) have accomplished the miraculous feat of making bestiality seem kinda sweet. After all, King Kong is a star-crossed — there’s that word again — love story about a giant gorilla with the hots for a normal-sized human. Like Frankenstein’s monster, he’s a misunderstood softie who just wants a little companionship, someone to bathe in waterfalls and climb up phallic symbols with. Is that so much to ask? Since none of the three versions ever attempted a happy ending, with Kong and his gal picking out china patterns together, we guess it is too much to ask.

 

10. A Chinese Ghost Story

Isn’t it always the way: you find someone you really click with and it turns out they’re a ghost beholden to an evil hermaphroditic tree spirit and betrothed to a demon warlord? But hey, if it’s true love, you may just have a fighting chance.

 

What movies did we miss? Remember, we were looking for romantic monster movies, not sexy scary movies — stay tuned for that list from us next week!

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Comment of the Week: Your Breakup Advice Sucks!

October 8th, 2014


photo via flickr

This week, reader Ultraviolet took us to task for our “ten easy steps” break-up advice in response to a post, “Your Call: How Do You Get Over Long-Term Heartbreak?” Consider her words a cautionary tale about holding onto bitterness and regret, living in the past… and not listening to yours truly, Em & Lo!

Yeah, three years is NOTHING. I’m on year twenty and counting. (And for the record, I think the 10-step program advertised on this website is laughable and insulting.) And to those readers suggesting therapy, yeah, I’ve tried that too over and over and over again and it doesn’t do any good, and antidepressantants didn’t help either. I don’t want therapy or pills, I don’t fucking want to cut my hair or reinvent myself (I like myself fine, thanks) or travel or date other people, and I shouldn’t have to. I just want my boyfriend back and that’s it.

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How to Tell If Your Partner Is Emotionally Abusing You

October 7th, 2014


by YourTango  |  photo via flickr

Is it possible that you are being abused and not even know it? Abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance or like you are “walking on eggshells” all the time. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship. I am talking here about psychological abuse, which is also known as mental or emotional abuse.

Psychological abuse occurs when a person in the relationship tries to control information available to another person with intent to manipulate that person’s sense of reality or their view of what is acceptable and not acceptable. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content and threats designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser’s wishes. All abuse takes a severe toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless. In addition, most mental abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.

A more sophisticated form of psychological abuse is often referred to as “gaslighting.” This happens when false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Examples may range simply from the abuser denying that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to staging bizarre events with the intention of confusing the victim. I listened to a client tell me that her husband denied an affair after his she found a racy email to another woman on his computer and confronted him. The husband vehemently denied this and when so far as to send an email to his tech guy asking how his account could have been hacked and to fix the problem!

Read the full article at YourTango:  21 Signs Emotional Abuse Is Happening In Your Relationship

What Men Really Think About Fake Boobs

October 7th, 2014

Advice from three of our “Wise Guy” friends. This week a straight woman asks, “So what’s the deal with fake boobs — are straight guys into them or not? Does it make a difference whether they’re just looking (e.g. porn, strip club, Hollywood star) vs. touching (e.g. a hook-up)? And does it make a difference whether the hook-up is casual or relationship material?”

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): Here’s the thing about fake boobs. They work. It’s the same for gay guys. Just substitute silicone for steroids. I know plenty of guys who have gone from Plain Jane to Ripped Rita via syringe, and rollicked in all the dating perks that come with that.  It is lame, they look ridiculous, but it truly, truly works.  To be totally fair, though, the real equivalent would be penile implants, which are currently as effective as supergluing Play-doh around the member so it appears larger.  And let me tell you, if they ever perfect the art of penile enhancement, every guy you know will have an eleven-inch penis.  Let me repeat:  Every.  Guy.  You.  Know.  At that point, glance waist level in a locker room and it would look like something Tarzan used to traverse the jungle. Which is why it amazes — and inspires — me that every woman doesn’t have humungous breasts.  You are the stronger sex.  Like I said, if men were in that position, this would be a nation of Pamela Mandersons. (Oh, and indulge a gay guy:  Why are “A-cup” boobs small and “D-cup” boobs big?  Shouldn’t it be the reverse?  As in, “Look at those grade A boobs!  She’s stacked.”  And flat girls are in danger of socially failing with a “D”?  I mean, this is classic grading on a curve, right?)

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): As a guy in my twenties, I have basically grown up surrounded by breast implants, so they don’t tend to faze me. I can recall on more than one occasion pointing out a beautiful girl, and hearing an older guy say, “But she has fake boobs,” and I’m like, “So what?” To me, fake boobs usually look better than their natural counterpart (which is not to say I haven’t seen horrendous, overdone and very strange looking fake breasts). But admittedly, much like artificially flavored food, no matter how close to the original they get, the real thing always tastes better. Saline boobs tend to feel like water balloons, which can take away from the heat of the moment. I’ve felt silicone ones that were so close to the real thing it didn’t matter, but at the end of the day a soft real breast is as sexy as it gets — and I think most men would agree. Besides, bigger isn’t always better. While I appreciate a large set of melons as much as the next guy, I also think small breasts can be very sexy. Another concern is if my future wife could breastfeed. (Didn’t China just recall baby formula because it contained Melamine? No thank you.) Ultimately, though, men love breasts — big, small, real, fake, we usually are just happy to see them, feel them, sleep on them. The decision to get implants should be the woman’s without any outside influence. Whatever you decide, like the bra you wear, we men will support you.

Straight Married Guy (Jim): There’s definitely a difference between looking and touching. The only time I’ve ever (knowingly) handled fake breasts, they felt like the knees of a Shaq-sized newborn: velvety-soft but concealing a hard, round mass.  (That means they were cheap, right?)  I have never heard my straight male friends say anything negative about the sight of fake boobs (or about the individual woman for having a surgically enhanced bust, for that matter), but displeasure has been expressed with the feel of stony fakes.  Most men wouldn’t avoid a hook-up based on bust fakery, unless they’re reading into your personality through your bra.  It’s still a hook-up, right?  But as with anything else in the bedroom that can’t be changed through intimacy and patience alone, if it’s a turnoff for this theoretical guy, it might sink the relationship.

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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Jim from New York, our Gay Guy is Jay Dyckman, an LA copywriter, and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett, owner of the LA PR firm Barnett Ellman. To ask the guys your own question, click here.