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10 Reasons to Become a Submissive (If Only for a Night)

September 12th, 2014


LELO’s Etherea Silk Cuffs

  1. You want a little freedom from all your daily responsibilities.
  2. You’ve been with your partner for a while and things are getting a little routine.
  3. You kinda like being held down and tickled.
  4. You think our book on the topic “150 Shades of Play” is fascinating.
  5. You don’t want to over-think things in the sack, you just want to get caught up in the moment.
  6. You enjoyed acting in high school and want an excuse to be more theatrical.
  7. You’re sick of having to make decisions.
  8. You’re shy and you have a hard time taking initiative in bed.
  9. You’re not shy, you always take the initiative, and you’re ready for a change.
  10. You think you could do a hell of lot better job than Anastasia Steele.

You don’t have to adopt a new permanent “lifestyle” just because you’re a little curious about BDSM. You can simply choose to spend an evening being submissive and let your trusted partner call all the shots for a change. By being (temporarily) submissive in the bedroom, you don’t have to do anything…except what you’re told. Which is not to say that you’re passive; you are receptive, responsive, appreciative, grateful. And no, there’s no correlation between social, economic, or mental status and your power preference. Being dominated isn’t demeaning; it’s fun! So set some ground rules, set a time limit, come up with a safeword that means “time out,” and then take it and like it.

For more BDSM tips, check out our latest book¬†”150 Shades of Play“.

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The 10 Best “Sex” Photos of Ancient Sculptures

September 11th, 2014

When you do a search for ‚Äúsex‚ÄĚ on¬†Getty Images, you get¬†a lot¬†of interesting results ‚ÄĒ so many, in fact, that we were compelled to create a¬†superlative series of Getty ‚Äúsex‚ÄĚ search images. This week, it’s naughty ancient sculptures (that’ll make your sex life seem pretty tame by comparison).

 
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Dream Interpretation: Why Do I Cheat On My Boyfriend in My Dreams?

September 11th, 2014

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I keep having dreams that I cheat on my boyfriend. We have been dating for about a year, and we’re very much in love. I have absolutely no interest in cheating on him whatsoever. However, in the past week, I’ve dreamt about cheating twice. The first time, with an old fling. The second time, with a (married) man I do not know. Each time there was sex involved. My boyfriend and I have a SUPER healthy sex life; I am not dissatisfied. But I am, however, confused. What do these dreams mean, and why do I keep having them?

Lauri: Cheating in the dream world is a very common occurrence; however, we tend to be the cheated more than be the cheater. In either case, it is usually because, ¬†in real life, there is some form of a third wheel in the relationship — and it’s usually a thing rather than a person. By thing I mean work, a project, a hobby some sort of extracurricular activity that is taking a lot of the dream cheater’s time and attention.

You’re the cheater in this case, so what is it you are giving yourself to more than you should? Or perhaps more than your boyfriend would like? Hanging with your friends? Taking selfies? (Kidding!) Your job? Whatever it is, deep down you know it is causing somewhat of a divide… it is causing you, or perhaps just your boyfriend, to feel “cheated” out of quality time together.

If you can cut back on the amount of time you devote to this third wheel activity, you probably should. If you can’t because your income or education depends on it, then make sure the time you spend with your boyfriend is well spent and that he feels like HE is #1 in your life, not this other time and attention sucking element. When you do that, your subconscious guilt will ease up and the dreams will stop.

Visit Lauri’s brand new site,¬†WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book,¬†Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too.¬†Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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I Took My Kids to the Jeff Koons Retrospective (Oops)

September 10th, 2014


from the Jeff Koons retrospective at the Whitney

My family had an opportunity to visit New York City for a full week recently. It was the longest my husband and I¬†(the Lo half of Em & Lo)¬†had been there since having kids. Before breeding, we’d lived there for years, gorging on the countless cultural opportunities at our disposal. Post-spawn, we moved to the Hudson Valley and have only managed the occasional day-trip back. But thanks to friends whose summer plans left their kid-friendly Brooklyn apartment empty, we got to live the life of city parents, complete with a borrowed Maclaren (natch).

I was determined to pack it in:

  • MoMA – check!
  • Off-Broadway show with discount tickets from TKTS – check!
  • Row boat ride on The Lake in Central Park – check!
  • Outdoor family movie at South Street Seaport – check!
  • Visiting all 9 playgrounds of Brooklyn Bridge Park…in one day¬†- check!

The only thing left was a visit to the Whitney to catch the popular Jeff Koons retrospective. With its bright bubblegum colors, its larger-than-life scales, its cartoonish sensibilities, it would be perfect for kids, right?

My husband had to work that day, so I hauled my daughter, 6, my son, 3, the snack bag and the stroller from Carroll Gardens all the way uptown on the F, and then the 6, in sweltering August heat. By the time we got to the Whitney, the kids were done. Not one to let something like my kids’ exhaustion get in the way of their cultural education or my own artistic enjoyment, I was determined to visit all six — count ‘em, six — floors of the show (it’s the first time a single artist has taken up so much real estate at the Whitney).

I felt a cool breeze coming off the ticket salesperson. Was it the poor fit of my mom jeans or my sensible shoes? Could he tell I was dragging these poor kids along against their will? Or did the fact that I failed to donate money to the museum beyond the cost of my ticket irk him? (Hey, kids tix are officially free. Plus, this new economy can be brutal on bloggers.) When I asked which floors were must-see for kids, I got no friendly warnings.

We started with what would be the surest kid-pleaser: the 4th floor, with its ginormous, metallic, balloon-animal dog; the rainbow-colored mountain of Play-Doh poop; and the oversized kitten hanging in a clotheslined sock. As we rode up the crowded elevator, I imagined my children’s eyes widening with wonder and their jaws dropping open with awe at these sights.

The elevator doors opened, we took a look around, and within 30 seconds they both told me they were ready to leave. This was going to be a challenge.

I kicked it into high gear, breezing through each gallery, swerving around patrons’ toes, wrangling the kids and reminding them about 20 billion times not to touch anything — all so we could get in and out without any meltdowns from my kids (or me). In my haste, I must have missed the small plaque that apparently gives a warning to parents and those with delicate sensibilities about the graphic content of the works around one corner.

So there we were, suddenly face to face with Elvis, a painting depicting a plastic blow-up toy in the shape of a lobster flanked by two images of topless (and, for all intents and purposes, bottomless) Playboy Playmates, with their silicone breasts and impossibly smooth skin. Kind of funny, if I’d had a second to think about it, but my visceral reaction was,¬†I don’t want my daughter to think that this is what women are supposed to look like. I must have made some involuntary groan. It was the first time during our visit that my daughter really looked at the art.¬†(Fortunately, my son was more interested in the intricacies of his belly button than the pictures on the walls.)

Pressing on — quickly, quickly — we turned another corner and found one of the mural-sized works from his 25-year-old “Made in Heaven” series, featuring a naked Jeff Koons and his Italian porn-star soon-to-be-wife (now ex). His penis and testicles and her pube-free vulva were at kid eye level. A woman behind me told her friend rather sternly — and loudly — “This is not appropriate for children.”

I panicked, mumbling something to my kids like, “Nothing to see here!”, and bee-lined it to the next, less scandalous room.

We made it out alive. The kids hopefully made it out unscarred. But I sure didn’t help matters. One might think a person who writes about sex for a living, endorses comprehensive sex education, uses accurate anatomical terms with her kids (e.g. wash your vulva; boys have penises, girls have clitorises), answers questions about where babies come from honestly and without shame, and tries to exude a positive body image in all states of dress (even if she has to fake it) would be able to handle her kids seeing nude artwork with aplomb and grace. But my fear of being perceived by strangers as a bad parent, along with my own deep-seated embarrassment, won out.

I realize now that my frazzled reaction made this nudity a bigger deal than it was, made it instantly taboo, and therefore gave it more power, mystery and allure than it would have had otherwise. After all, we all have bodies — and genitals — that come in different shapes and sizes; just as everybody poops, everybody is naked under their clothes. The most offensive thing about the painting of the couple was actually the incredibly tacky ’80s accessories the woman was wearing. (I mean, white lace thigh highs and a floral headband? Come on!) Even Elvis‘s fake boobs — which I am generally not a fan of, for both philosophical and aesthetic reasons — weren’t as offensive as some of the violence portrayed (and thus condoned) in contemporary kids’ cartoons and movies. But I’ve certainly let my kids watch those without as much guilt. (I mean, machine guns in Disney’s¬†Cars 2? Come on!)

What I should have done was acted normal and unfazed, gotten through the museum in a calm and orderly fashion, then asked my daughter what she thought of the show and if she had any questions about what she had seen. Probably not a teachable moment on the ills of the cosmetic surgery industry or the benefits of pubic hair. But maybe something a little less Nudity = Shame.

Actually, what I really should have done was bitten off only what I and my kids could realistically chew, been content with seeing just the 4th floor, and then taken them to get ice cream, stat. But that’s another parenting article altogether.

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Film: How to Lose Your Virginity

September 10th, 2014

“How To Lose Your Virginity” Trailer from Trixie Films on Vimeo.

Two years ago, we asked you to give some Kickstarter lovin’ to the fledgling documentary,¬†”How to Lose Your Virginity”, being made by¬†Theresa Shecter and the gals at Trixie Films. You must have come through, because it’s now a full-length doc, all growed up! The film aims¬†”to undo centuries of myths and contradictions around¬†virginity, and to encourage an honest conversation with people¬†navigating the confusing process of deciding when and why to become¬†sexual.” Its subjects include a rock violinist, an Ivy¬†League blogger, an Ohio engineer, a porn¬†producer — all subverting the virginity narrative. The¬†trailer¬†is compelling, with interviewees including former Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders and author of “The Purity Myth” Jessica Valenti. The world needs virginity taken off its pedestal,¬†as we’ve argued in the past, and this could be just the film to do it. So check out the website, watch the film online or buy the DVD, and read the V-card Diaries. If you’re in NYC this Friday, there’s a free screening of the film at 6pm at Hostos Community College presented by Planned Parenthood Action Fund.

 


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(Atrociously Ignorant) Comment: Bisexual Is Just an Excuse Gay Men Use

September 9th, 2014

Sometimes, a comment on our site is so out there, so ill-informed, so close-minded, so staggeringly wrong that we feel compelled to share it, simply so that all of you can join in the chorus of disapproval. Please tell us, dear readers, that this commenter is in the minority amongst you! This post on bisexuality was submitted¬†by reader Bobby B in response to the article, “Your Call: I Can’t Handle My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality”:

Your boyfriend is not a bi sexual (there is no such thing having sex with a person of the same gender makes yo a homosexual bi sexual is a word that homo’s have made up to lessen the sting of the fact that they can’t admit just what they are even to themselves) he is a straight up queer who has sex with men.

Your best bet would be to find a man who is not a queer and only has interist in sex witp persons of the opposite gender and then make sure that he does not run off and have sex with every menber of the opposite gender that he meets.

The likelyhood is that you will have a much better outlook on your new boyfriend if you were to stick to faithful hetrosexual males who are attracted to you rather than remaining with a homosexual who needs to have a woman around to convince himself that he is not queer only‚ÄĚbi sexual‚ÄĚ.

Get rid of him and move on

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Do Guys Really Care If Their Girlfriend Has a Higher Body Count?

September 9th, 2014


photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Does the average hetero guy really care if his girlfriend/wife has had sex with more people than he has? And if so, why?

Straight Married Guy (Jamie): I may be somewhat in the minority here in that, while I have an extremely liberal philosophy about sex, I haven’t had a particularly high number of sexual partners (I was always a “girlfriend guy” and just didn’t rack up the big numbers).¬† I’ve also never bought into the whole men-as-players/women-as-sluts double standard.¬† Many of the female friends I admire most have had lots of sexual partners, but are also all well-adjusted, independent women.¬† To be honest, I’ve always been more attracted to women who have an air of worldliness.¬† I think it’s a turn-on to be with a woman who is confident sexually and knows what she likes.¬† And if that confidence came at the hands (or whatever) of more former lovers then I’ve had, well that’s just fine by me.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): As a gay man living in a major metropolitan city, I’ve lost track of the amount of sex I’ve had.¬† How then can I hold a partner to a different standard?¬† I recommend that everybody have enough sex so that both the boy and the girl can honestly say, “I’m not really sure,” and leave it at that.¬† That said, I asked my straight cousin, whose wife has always been very sexually free, and he said that his biggest worry had been that their kids’ attitude toward sex would develop far too early as a result, but this has turned out not to be the case.¬† I loathe children, so I’m going to stick with the “I’m not really sure” recommendation.

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Totally. He also cares if she’s stronger, smarter, or wealthier than he is. It comes down to our primal need for dominance. Unless a guy’s got a fetish or extreme dominance in one of those areas (i.e., a body-builder won’t care about a girl’s bulging biceps), it’s a turn-off to be second banana or subordinate. Truth be told, he’ll also feel a little bit jealous (it’s a big competition between guys since we were teenagers). And lastly, we want our girl to be a virgin slut, and we need to pretend that if we’re not the first, then at least we’re the best.

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Our ‚Äúwise guys‚ÄĚ are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week‚Äôs Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish.¬†To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Where Can We Swing with Other Grownups (Minus the A-Holes)?

September 8th, 2014


image of Bruce Nauman light show via flickr

We get a lot of¬†advice questions¬†coming in at¬†EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can‚Äôt answer them all. Some days, we simply don’t have the time, and others — like today — we don’t have a clue.¬†Which is why,¬†once a week, we turn to you to¬†decide how best to advise a reader. Yay for crowd-sourcing grownup swinging! Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.¬†

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

As a married ‘straightish’ couple we have had a very serious love affair for the last 26 years, 25 married. We take pride in our lust for each other and the frequent passionate sex we have. Naturally as we have matured, there have been times we needed to work harder than others to keep the bedtime romps above our 3 times a week threshold (one of us starts to lose it when sex drops below that).

We sleep naked, we shower together and we text and talk dirty fairly often. We’ve had sex in planes, trains, cars, parks, on beaches… Then a few years ago we took a huge risk and visited a Las Vegas sex (swingers) club. It freaked us both out and we ran from it. Then a year ago we tried again at a new venue in NYC called Bowery Bliss.

The first time there was enjoyable enough to both warrant a second visit and to ramp-up our sexual appetite for several weeks after. We were having incredible sex more than 5 times a week. The next few visits were also worthy, with other younger couples gravitating to us and being stunned when they learned of our long marriage and age… then the place changed a bit. The types of couples attending changed too. The sex seemed more mechanical and less passionate… more gratuitous than real sex with real couples. It seemed earlier visits were truer to the rule that woman are in charge and the last two visits were more about guys being guys rather than women being catered to. On one recent visit we didn’t even bother to have sex in the club at all… a first.

We are not sure we will attend that venue again and wonder if we will try anywhere else. So we need to find a way to replace that great experience and hope to find similar adventures somehow.

My wife has high standards when it comes to her sexual satisfaction and activities. Lesbian sex is a big turn on to her and we have yet to find that experience beyond watching porn.

Is there a way or place to find lesbian couples interested in flirting or playing with a bi-sexual woman who is happily married? Are there places like Bowery Bliss that caters to more bisexual and lesbian cliental?

– Mr. and Mrs. Jones

Any thoughts on where Mr. and Mrs. Jones could swing with like-minded grownups, no douches allowed? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-08-14

September 8th, 2014

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
No matter how many new shirts you buy, how many manicures you get, how much money you throw around, or how much affection you offer, your attempts to impress will be moot. People will see through you like a thinly sliced sliver of ginger. Of course, they won’t say no to the affection. But their lack of reciprocation will burn worse than wasabi on your tender, pink parts.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You don’t have to commit to the first person who comes along. Wait until they’ve all walked by and then pick the hottest one. Did we say hottest? We meant “most compatible, most respectful of your life goals, most likely to join the Peace Corps, and most likely to get on well with your parents.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars really surprised us this week, with quite the unexpected, rash, go-get-’em-tiger guidance for Taurus. So here it is, in its original, unabridged form: “You need to get laid.” Oh you saucy stars!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
As Roy Orbison sang, “Anything you want, you got it.” Pursue your sexual fantasy this week; it can only strengthen your relationship. Unless you’re not in a relationship and your sexual fantasy involves your best friend’s grandparents, in which case you might want to stay home and live vicariously through old Orbison LPs.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re pretty damn convincing when you use your head. And no, we don’t mean that special head-butt maneuver you learned from Pogba (though that has been “convincing” in the past). You’re going to have to think outside the box this week to get your partner to see things your way. We’re talking seriously out of the box. Like, Transformers-style. “Robots in disguise! More than meets the eye!” Be the robot.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Just because you’re in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash doesn’t mean you should go wherever they lead you. Wait a minute, what are you doing in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash?! This week, the stars tell us that someone you least suspect may try to lead you in the wrong direction. So, you know, you might not want to be wearing a dog leash ‚ÄĒ it will only make things easier for them.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Talk is cheap when it comes to lust this week. But you’re not always particularly good at expressing yourself anyway ‚ÄĒ so consider yourself off the hook! Do unto others as you would have done to yourself . . . with your tongue.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that we’re always encouraging you to “explore your fantasies” and “talk to your partner” and “communicate your dirty little fetish.” And we always say, “How will they know what you want if you don’t tell them,” or, “You don’t know they’ll say no until you ask.” This week, you can scratch all that: for the next seven days, it’s gonna be vanilla ice cream or no ice cream, if you know what we mean.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Apparently you ¬†should be all lovey-dovey with your sig oth this week, according to the stars. The stars are so insensitive sometimes, aren’t they? (Not to mention obvious.) What if you don’t have someone to love right now? Like you needed one more reminder that this week would be a particularly nice time to be all loved up. Pshaw! We say, drink beer, eat ice cream, and download Shirley Valentine.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t hide your light under a bushel this week. Hmm, sounds kinda dirty. We mean: Don’t hide all your jiggly bits under baggy clothing. Just kidding, they’re not that jiggly. Let’s try again: Think of the one thing you’re most shy about (voicing your opinions, changing your hair color, changing your mind, changing your underwear) and make an effort to not be shy about that anymore. Feel free to give your reflection in the mirror rousing words of encouragement each morning.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t just settle for someone because you are lonely and need oral sex. The person offering the oral sex may be wrong for you, or not very good at it, or worse, really dig you for more than just your genitals. If you can rule out the third case, then you have our permission to go for it. But don’t come crying to us when you can’t climax because it was the second case.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t be a tease if you’re not prepared to follow through; that hottie will make a fine friend, but a nasty enemy. Fatal Attraction, anyone?

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