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Comment of the Week: A Cautionary Tale About Cuckolding

May 20th, 2015

Reader Simon offered this cautionary tale in response to our post, “Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; She Thinks I’m Nuts“:

Been there, done that; don’t try. I did this 8-9 years back with my wife, and I insisted, although she was more than reluctant. She was totally opposed in the beginning, but gave up after almost a year of having the same discussion over and over in bed and outside of bed. When she finally said “ok,” more or less to please me, she refused to go alone, so we met a few times at a motel with someone I found online, married, clean and nice otherwise.

The relationship went on for a few months, and eventually he gained our trust, so she started going alone from time to time if I couldn’t join her. At first, she was telling me before, every time she was supposed to go, then I noticed she started to “forget” mentioning when he was calling her at work to meet.

To make it short, one day he suggested they would save money if they started meeting at one of his friend’s house. She was stupid enough to trust him, and went there, where he and two of his friends practically raped her. She was too ashamed to tell me on the spot, because she felt guilty for seeing him lately without my knowledge.

She admitted years later to have been involved with him emotionally. Being raped made her break up with him, but still she didn’t tell me the whole truth until four years later, when I wanted to try again the same thing. Obviously this time she said “no” and she meant it.

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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The BacheloretteS” (Kaitlyn & Britt’s Season Premiere)

May 19th, 2015

Life began again last night with the premiere of ABC’s “The Bachelorette”– or should we say, “The BacheloretteS”? After all, this season’s big twist was pitting last season’s two favorites — Kaitlyn Potty-Mouth Bristowe and Britt Insincerity’s-My-Middle-Name Nillson — against each other in a Highlander-esque cocktail party where they had to outcharm 25 fairly unimpressive guys in order to score the most roses by night’s end.

We haven’t read any spoilers, so simply going off of last night’s episode intel, here are our theories (read: hopes):

The producers know Bachelor Nation (i.e. middle aged married moms who like to make themselves feel better about their life choices by watching young people make such bad ones*) will not stand for Britt winning, not with her kitten voice, her requisitely long-flowing princess locks, and her beautiful brown eyes, so colored because of the amount of shit she’s full of. And so they’ve stacked the party guests in down-to-earth Kaitlyn’s favor, so that we may all rejoice again once more in a melodramatic tear-fest performed by Britt when she’s quickly and unceremoniously ejected.

Either that, OR . . .

Mr. Drunky McDrunk Ryan was just a plant who was enlisted to destroy the tie-breaking rose — while wearing a wet Speedo — in an over-the-top display of drunken disdain and disrespect for the two women and this “process”, serving two purposes: 1) Produce the requisite blackout scene every viewer of Bachelor/ette cocktail parties has come to know, love and expect. And 2) Force a tie between the two women which will magically spur the producers to decide to let the women parallel-play dating roullette for at least a little while longer (i.e. until the majority of men realize that Kaitlyn is the only viable choice).

OR…

The best-looking and smartest-seeming men could not prevail over the more meatheaded Neanderthals who were hypnotized by Britt’s shiny sparkly-ness and the feelings it stirred under their loincloths, resulting in Kaitlyn’s premature departure tonight. But because of the collective yearnings of Bachelor Nation, the producers will be compelled — indeed, they’ve planned it all along! — to bring Kaitlyn back in dramatic twist that gives the remaining contestants the chance to mutiny, jump Britt’s ship and take their rightful place alongside Kaitlyn.

These are not guaranteed predictions — we can’t see the future (because we refuse to read spoilers). But we can guarantee that if you learn the love lessons imparted on last night’s episode, you’ll fare far better than pretty much all the people who’ve ever been on an episode of “The Bachelor/ette”:

  1. In the immortal words of host Chris Harrison, delivered with total earnestness and not even a whiff of irony, “Change is hard.” For those of you who need help unpacking that heavy shit: Put your big girl pants on, expect curveballs, and instead of whining about them, embrace them with as much grace as possible (which in Kaitlyn’s case, may not have been much, but at least she tried…really, rilly hard).
  2. Probably a good idea not to call someone you’re hoping to date, have sex with and/or marry a “bitch” or a “ho”, even behind their back. Respecting other people is one of the first steps toward respecting yourself…Ryan.
  3. Gimmicks — a “carpool” or a “cupcake car” — are not necessary to make a good first impression. In fact, more often than not, they’ll backfire and make a bad first impression. All you need is a sense of humor, good hygiene, and the wisdom not to get totally blotto on your date.
  4. Speaking as veteran sex coaches, please don’t take the name of what we do in vain. Calling yourself an “amateur sex coach” as simply a jokey come-on line is an affront, not only to the serious work we do (e.g. watching “The Bachelorette“ with a box o’ wine and then writing snarky commentary on it), but it’s an affront to your date as well: Guaranteed she does not want to talk butt plugs right now. We should know: we’re experts.
  5. Stop touching your hair on your date! Really, please, just leave it alone. It looks fine.
*Or maybe that’s just us.

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photo via The Bachelorettes’ Twitter feed

Why Men Cat-Call, According to Men

May 19th, 2015

photo via picography

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week, they answer the following: Why do men cat-call?

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): Oh boy, where did I just see a link to a TV clip of a woman walking up to men who cat-called her and asked them why?  (You can answer in comments if you’ve got the link.)  Anyway, the men all acted completely embarrassed when put on the spot about it. Which, I think, actually says a lot about why men do it: not because they’re actually interested in the women they cat-call.  Instead (based, I’m embarrassed to say, on my own behavior as a construction worker in my teens and twenties) it’s about a) letting other men you’re with know you’re straight — dumb, I know but there you go — and maybe calling on other men to confirm they’re straight too, b) bonding with other men through “bravery” — even dumber, I know, but again there you go, and c) attempting to compliment women you find attractive but (and this goes back to item B) you’re pretty sure wouldn’t actually be interested in you.

Feminist analysis would probably add other things like keeping women in their places, telling women they’re valued only for their sexiness, etc.  But I think those are only side effects of what’s really mostly male-to-male communication.  Which is why I think men are embarrassed and even shocked when a woman they’ve cat-called tries to start a conversation. Final bit of evidence: at least in my experience, most men don’t (or at least didn’t) cat-call women they think they might actually have a chance of asking out later.

Gay Married Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): Men cat-call because some atavistic impulse leads us to believe that it might get us sex.  Any time a man cat-calls at you, a part of him he isn’t aware of in any meaningful way is really hoping you’ll immediately stop whatever you’re doing, come over, knock him down, and have your way with him.  It’s like a mating ritual. Please understand that I’m not saying any man thinks this is actually going to happen (though there’s always Dimitri the Lover, so who knows).  This is all happening below the level of consciousness. Read the rest of this entry »

13 Ways of Looking at a “Wife Bonus”

May 19th, 2015

The Primates of Park Avenue by Wednesday Martin is on sale now

In case you’ve been living under a rock the past few days, it turns out that some Upper East Side stay-at-home moms, married to hedge fund managers (etc.), apparently get end of year “wife bonuses” for good housekeeping. Yeah. We know.

What these women receive bonuses for: domestic budgeting, getting the kids into the right pre-school, hosting the perfect dinner party, etc. And, one would have to assume — and Upper East Side mothers who don’t get wife bonuses certainly claim this — blowjobs. This bit of depressing, backassward news comes from Wednesday Martin, author of the new book Primates of Park AvenueShe calls these women glam SAHMs.

The Wallace Stevens poem “Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird” is sometimes assigned to elementary school kids as a kicking off point for their own poems — poems about fall, or snow, or family, or their favorite blue, or whatever. As the mothers of elementary school kids ourselves, we are the proud owners of many of such works of clear GENIUS. Today we would like to use this poem as inspiration for our own what-the-fuck response to this news, with apologies to the truly genius Wallace Stevens:

I
Among twenty Botoxed faces,
The only moving thing
Was the husband’s hand on his check book.

II
I was of three minds,
Like a stay at home mom
Who has only false choices.

III
The glam SAHM whirled in the winds of her Flywheel class.
It was a small part of the pantomime.

IV
A man and a woman
Are one.
A man and a woman and a wife bonus
Are something else entirely.

V
I do not know which to prefer,
A woman getting paid for good housekeeping
Or a woman getting paid nothing at all,
The blowjobs being recompensed
Or no blowjobs at all.

VI
A four-year-old gets into the right pre-school
Because his mother hired the right interview coach
And also maybe because her husband
Donated some money.
She will thank him
With Reverse Cowgirl
And a clean house.

VII
O thin women of the Upper East Side,
Why do you cosset yourselves at charity luncheons?
Do you not see how the men
Soar above you
While smoking cigars?

VIII
Ladies nights can improve relationships
And they can expand a marriage;
But if the ladies are always cloistered,
Then it is no longer a choice
And where’s the dancing-drunk-to-Beyonce fun in that?

IX
When the wife bonus was less than she had hoped for,
And smaller than other wife bonuses,
It marked the edge
Of one of many circles.

X
At the sight of glam SAHMs
Sweating their way through a Flywheel class,
Even the women who say they’re not feminists
Would cry out sharply.

XI
She rode across the city
In a luxury town car.
Once, a fear pierced her,
In that she mistook
The shadow of his fancy check-writing pen
For wrinkles.

XII
The hand is moving on the check book.
The wife bonus must be coming soon.

XIII
She never wears sweatpants,
She never looks her age.
It is a full-time job.
The glam SAHM sat patiently
and waited for her wife bonus.

The Primates of Park Avenue by Wednesday Martin is on sale now

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Your Weekly Horoscopes – Haiku Edition: May 18th, 2015

May 18th, 2015

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
They say they’re single.
Who are you to believe them?
Truth eludes us all.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you make new friends,
Don’t tell them you like sploshing . . .
Until you know them.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Stubborness ain’t cool
In the romance department.
You must give to get.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You may be horny,
But you’ve got to keep it real.
One-night stands suck hard.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Organized events
Are sexier than you think.
Get involved; get laid.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Much like a haiku,
Give little away with words.
Mystery is rad.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Friends make good lovers.
Well, not all friends qualify.
Proceed with caution.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Like a leaf falling,
Go your own unique way down,
Others will follow.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’re a smarty-pants.
Hot-pants likes your tarty rants.
Don’t forget condoms.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you want to charm,
Do not try to disarm them
With your machismo.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Ready, set, go, dude!
Someone special — or butt plugs —
Are at the finish.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Opportunity
Is knocking on your front door.
Open it slowly.

 

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Your Call: What Porn Will Get the Girlfriend Seal of Approval?

May 18th, 2015

For two women who make their living writing about sex, we know surprisingly little about porn. We certainly have a lot of opinions about it — about compromising on it in a relationship, for example. But when it comes to the specifics — names of directors, recommended titles, decent actors and storylines, etc. — we mostly come up blank. It’s just never really been our thing. And if porn is not really your thing, then it’s incredibly hard to sit through more than a couple of minutes of it. You know, if you’re just in it for the writing or the acting or the plot points.

But we’re always being asked to recommend porn to people — especially to couples. Guys want to know, okay, so if my girlfriend and I are compromising on porn, what movies might my girlfriend be okay with. And women often want to know, okay, so if we’re compromising on porn, what movies might be fun for us to watch together?

So, dear readers, help us out! What porn movies have you seen that might pass the wife or girlfriend seal of approval? (We’re thinking decent plot lines, equal opportunity objectification and sexual satisfaction, not-too-terrible acting, etc.) And what movies might be good for couples to watch together? Speak up, porn aficionados! Leave your suggestions in the comments section below. We promise not to judge…

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photo via flickr

How to Orgasm Without a Sex Toy

May 15th, 2015

photo via Flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a 22-year-old woman who has only become sexually active over the last six months or so. I’m enjoying myself and being safe, but it’s starting to annoy me that I can’t have an orgasm without a vibrator. This really bothered my last boyfriend, which of course made me stressed out, self-conscious, and even LESS likely to get off. I’ve talked to my girlfriends about it, and they keep telling me “practice makes perfect…eventually it’ll just happen…etc.” but I’m impatient! I know it’s not uncommon for women to be unable to orgasm through intercourse alone, but I can’t even get myself off without a (strongly vibrating) toy. Hands? No. Oral? Nope. Penetration? Nada. All of those things are awesome, just…not quite awesome enough. So I guess my question is, is there any way I can “learn” to orgasm without a vibrator?

– Manual Laborer

Dear M.L.,

First of all, congratulations on your incredibly mature approach to sex! We know we are constantly making fun of abstinence-only education, but we do think that there are some serious benefits to postponing sexual activity. At 22 years of age, you are in a much better position to know your own body and you are more likely to demand what you want and need in bed. In our experience, 22 year olds just tend to be a lot more thoughtful about sex than your average high schooler.

Also, congratulations on all those orgasms! Just because they’re ”electric,” doesn’t make them any less awesome — we hear from plenty of women who have trouble orgasming, with or without a toy. They’d be delighted to have your so-called problem.

That said, we don’t want to diminish what you’re feeling, because we do understand the desire to climax unplugged. Especially if the sex toy that does it for you is a really strong vibrator — those vibes aren’t always the most discreet. Sometimes it can seem like you’re sharing a bed with a birthing cow. (However, we think that your last boyfriend sounds like a total douche for selfishly pouting about it. Geez. Everyone knows that the fastest way to make an orgasm run for the hills is to put it under pressure and stress it out.)

Unfortunately, we don’t have as many tips as we do congratulations. Your girlfriends are right — it really is a matter of practice and time. And fortunately you’ve got plenty of that — especially now that the pressure-cooker boyfriend is out of the picture. But here are 10 things that might help improve your self-love sessions:

  1. Create ambiance: Set the scene for yourself as much as you do with a partner — dim the lights, play some sexy tunes, turn off your phone, etc. Check out our post about getting yourself in the mood for more tips.
  2. Try a change of scenery. Don’t always do it in the bedroom — strike while the iron is hot, whether that’s when you’re in front of the TV, working late at the office, or cooking in the kitchen. Or take a long bath or shower and have some silicone-based lube handy (it’s waterproof).
  3. Fantasize: When you’re using a super-strong vibrator, it’s easy to get lazy about stimulating your mind, as the Hitachi Magic Wand (etc) is doing all the heavy lifting. Help things along in your head — try erotic short stories, graphic novels, porn or just plain old fantasies. Check out the advice we gave this reader, who lamented the fact that her vibrator didn’t kiss or cuddle, on how to improve masturbation this way.
  4. Warm up. With a vibrator and then switch to your hands — or vice versa.
  5. Lube up: When you’re using your hands, be sure to use lots of lube, since a well lubed clitoris (and labia) can handle a lot more, and a lot more varied, stimulation.
  6. Wean yourself (but don’t call it that). Give your favorite vibe a little less power by using it over clothes or a blanket, using it on a lower and lower setting, or replacing it occasionally with a totally different kind of stimulation. For example, if your fave is an external stimulator like the Lelo’s Nea then try an internal G-spotter like the Lelo’s Gigi 2. Or use your thumb or squeeze your legs around your wrist or have your partner do whatever he can to at least try to replicate your vibe’s sensations….in a word: experiment! But don’t think of it as weaning yourself off the vibrator, think of it as teasing yourself, building up sexual tension that will hopefully eventually find it’s way out.
  7. Lower your expectations: Don’t say “Okay, today is going to be the day I do it on my own and I’m not leaving this bedroom until it happens.” It ain’t never going to happen that way. Instead, set aside a certain amount of time just to stimulate yourself, try new things, take notice of your bodily response — and when time’s up, allow yourself to go the ol’ faithful route. Each consecutive session, extend that time little longer. There could be times when you occasionally don’t allow yourself release, just to help with that teasing we mentioned above, but fasting until it happens “naturally” is just cruel and unusual punishment.
  8. Use toys for couples. Experiment with vibrators that can be used harmoniously during other sex acts, e.g. a vibrating love ring during intercourse or a vibrating finger toy during manual or oral stimulation.
  9. Practice, practice, practice. Hey, it’s not math, it’s masturbation!
  10. Don’t stress about it too much. The odds are good that eventually, if you hang in there, you’ll be able to go it alone. It might be a matter of time, or practice, or the right partner, or the right mind-set, or the right age — you never know. But let’s, for the sake of argument, say DIY never works for you. Then think of it like this: Your orgasm is a tropical island resort. Just enjoy the destination, and don’t worry about how you got there — whether it was via a jet or a homemade raft. At least you’re there! Some people never get to go on such a nice vacation.

Wax on, wax off,

Em & Lo

5 Signs You’re Dating a Pickup Artist

May 14th, 2015

You’re a straight woman, and you like this guy. You have fun, you have chemistry, and then you have sex. At which point, he seems to disappear. But not totally. Sound familiar? Chances are he’s read the Pick Up Artist lit and is following it to a T. Below, read up on the 5 tell-tale signs that’s he’s a PUA from our MVP commenter, Johnny:

1. Engages in “Push-Pull.” Yes, in PU lingo that’s the name of the ‘move’: he’s keeping you off balance by pulling you in one day and pushing you away the next. It can work like a charm and get you hooked.

2. Takes you on an emotional roller coaster. Just repeating PU theory here! Which claims that women live for this emotional up and down. PU theory would hold that if he were just a nice guy who liked you as much as you like him, you’d be bored of him already. So he’s not that nice to you.

3. Has slotted you as a fuck buddy (if you’ll forgive the crassitude). He is following prescribed PUA protocol for keeping a woman slotted as a FB (stays distant to begin with – “once a week” is actually the recommendation – and he backs WAY off when you push for more). This leads probably means that you’re one of multiple women in his life. Guys only act this way when sex is abundant in their lives.

4. Withdraws from commitment. With every push YOU make — with every demand for more time, more attention, etc. — you drive him further off.

5. Only engages in low investment/high reward activities with you. He cooks for you at home, invites you for a movie at home, only hangs out with you if you’re DTF (down to fuck), only texts/phones to arrange logistics — these are all standard PUA moves.

So there it is. He might like you, but he likes his independence and his multiple partners more. You’re probably not going to get more out of him than this because — abundance — he doesn’t have to give you any more than this to get his needs fulfilled.

Stay tuned for more from Johnny on the types of PUAs out there and ways to engage them (should you choose to do so — hey, it’s your life!). 

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Comment(s) of the Week: Detectives Em & Lo Are On the Case!

May 14th, 2015

We recently received two very suspicious comments to the post “Your Call: Do Bigger Penises Lead to Different Orgasms for Women?” (which have since been taken down).

First, at 12:04am this morning, Thursday, May 14th, someone calling themselves “MSTT” wrote:

Exactly man. All women like big dicks. But they value other things more you know? emotional things, vibes, etc. All women love the feeling of being filled up by a bigger penis. 99%. But we want more than that. Peace out. Im nicole.

Then, immediately after, at 12:09am this morning, another comment was made by someone called “Linda”:

All i know is my last boyfriend had a really big penis and it felt nice, only thing i miss about him. And yes, bigger penises feel better. And ladies:when i say “bigger” you know i mean girth mainly. Write that down guys out there. Bigger is better. Yes.

Well, we put our deerhunters on, whipped out our magnifying glasses, and got to sleuthing!

  1. This post, while popular, is over a year old. What are the odds that two different people would comment on the same post in the middle of the night within minutes of each other?
  2. …basically making the exact same point and having the exact same horrendous punctuation?
  3. The first commenter, MSTT, initially sounds like a man talking about women, but then switches gears midway through the comment and becomes a woman, mysteriously and suddenly renamed “nicole.”
  4. These two comments are given different bylines, but they were generated . . . from the SAME EMAIL ADRESS! Dun dun dun! 
  5. But not only that: the email address contained the very male name of “Matt.” [audible gasp!]
  6. And here’s the most damning evidence that these comments were pure bullshit: their identical message was, well, bullshit. Sweeping generalizations made about an entire population meant to prey on insecurities, stir up anger, inflame gender wars, and basically make people miserable with silly lies. Dumb. Immature. Completely false.

The moral of this totally solved mystery? Don’t take the bait! And take any advice you find on the Internet (except ours, of course) with a grain of salt…and perhaps a margarita.

 

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