photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
A sense of wholeness will help to stimulate your imagination and open up a host of new possibilities that will lead to a fascinating and sensual encounter. Which means either the planets are aligned to take your relationship to the next level of intimacy and trust via some fairly kinky sexual sessions (can you say “strap-on”?), or you’ll find some new cozy pants that will allow you to eat way too much without needing to be unbuttoned.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We would usually commend your high energy levels, your bottomless well of creative dating ideas, your enthusiasm for trying new things in the bedroom (that thing with the popsicle and chocolate sauce was brilliant). But this week, if you want any quality close-and-cozy time, then take a chill pill. Let your partner drive for a change and give your Power Bars away to your more lethargic friends.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Okay, let’s say your romantic life is a flat tire. Now, you can stand around by the side of the road talking to AAA for an hour and a half. Or you can change it yourself and get things moving again. Hmmm, decisions, decisions.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Because you’re being so obvious about your lustful desires, you will have a hard time even getting to second base with your romantic interest. And yes, sometimes your horoscope reading is an acne-ridden, hormone-riddled, 14-year-old boy with a perma-erection who can relate to your need to touch boobies.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Okay, this is probably not a good a week to surprise your lover with an engagement ring, especially if you think you may want it back at some point in the future. And it’s not a good week to surprise your lover by jumping out from the bedroom closet in the near dark wearing a dog collar and nothing else. In fact, there probably is no good time for that. But it is a good week to prepare your partner for a sensual night (or nights) of unbridled passion and blush-inducing lust. Set aside the time, make sex dates, send foreplay emails, light some friggin candles . . . do something.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Being a slut. . . er. . . playing the field will be your M. O. this week. But be careful: Anyone you “lead on” this week will come a’calling next week with bells on. Literally. They’ll have little jingle bells sewn onto their sleeves. You’ll be able to hear them coming from a mile away so you can attempt a quick getaway. But although you can run, you can’t hide. So just be up front about your intentions this week to avoid being hunted down like the dog you are next week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You will have a magnetic allure this week. Just be sure not to hang out next to your credit cards in case that magneticism rubs off.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
How old are you? Eeny Meeny Miney Moe is no way to choose between competing partners . . . Rock Paper Scissors is way better. But seriously folks, don’t let the bright and shiny packaging of someone new make you forget about your loyal security doll.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t underestimate your powers of persuasion: you can have whoever and whatever you want this week. Okay, you can’t have Justin Bieber or Jennifer Lawrence on a bed of Cool Whip. And you can’t have your own personal squad of fairies feed you grapes and lovingly administer you seltzer hi-colonics. But if you set realistic goals and stop short of begging, you can probably score this week.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Stay with the group. This week, pretend you’re wearing one of those awful leashes some parents put on their kids like pets; pretend it’s attached to your circle of friends. Don’t go wandering off alone with good-looking strangers or even significant others–you’re likely to end up on the milk carton of broken hearts.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t settle. If you want filet mignon, don’t accept White Castle as a substitute. If you want Ben & Jerry’s “New York Super Fudge Chunk,” don’t go for Stop & Shop’s generic brand of vanilla ice cream. If you want some bondage, dirty talk and anal play in the bedroom, don’t settle for the missionary position. And if you want to be treated with love, compassion and kindness, don’t date assholes.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We’re not sure if you caught this early-nineties, subtitled, Spanish “erotic comedy” starring the then-unknown Penelope Cruz, but chances are if you’re a guy, you’ve fantasized about the plot: a handsome deserter from the Spanish army hides out in a remote village and befriends a local landlord, who just happens to have four beautiful daughters. By the time the credits roll, he’s bedded all four. Actually, they’ve bedded him, and all he had to do was go with the flow. We can’t promise you’ll bed four siblings this week, but we do think that if you go with the flow in bed and stop yourself from thinking, “This is wrong,” you’ll have a lot of fun. Oh, and for the record, bedding four siblings is wrong. Way wrong.

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