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Wise Guys: What If Her Libido Is Bigger Than His?

April 16th, 2014

photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What would most guys think about dating a woman whose sex drive was higher than his? Would it be awesome? Annoying? Lead to insecurities? Make you think less (or more) of her? All of the above?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

mark_luczak_100Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): Not possible, right? (What sex drive is higher than wanting it all the time?) Actually, as awesome as this sounds at first glance for the stereotypical hornball guy, in reality any dissonance in sex drive can be challenging on many levels (I’ve been on both sides of it to at least some degree). Feeling attractive and desired is unquestionably wonderful, but if someone simply happens to be in the mood less frequently, it can be uncomfortable for all involved. In the gender roles here, the guy might feel that he’s perpetually disappointing, while the girl might easily start to feel insecure emotionally and physically over why every opportunity isn’t taken.

With a strong enough couple and commitment, though, a variance in sex drive is hardly insurmountable. Communication and genuine willing flexibility can certainly overcome the challenges and leave everyone more than fulfilled.

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Most guys would probably love it if the woman they were dating had a high sex drive. I mean, isn’t that part of the fantasy of women in porn? A hyper-sexualized woman? I think it would only lead to insecurity if the man himself were insecure.

 

Straight Married Guy (David Felsen):

A) First of all, that’s just impossible. No. Wait. There was this South African woman who nearly broke me. Serves me right for dating a rolfer. I still get panic attacks whenever I hear a voo voo zela.

B) Trust me, there’s nothing “awesome” about a dislocated sacrum, a desiccated scrotum, and a deviated vas deferens. If you see a guy hunched sideways at a urinal or a tree holding a right angle and two golden raisins, it’s me. And yes, it’s “annoying.” I can’t say her libido “lead to insecurities,” as that started when my sister told me I was adopted.

C) “Think less of her?” I wouldn’t dare. I hope she’s found another guy to love…to death.

D) “All of the above.”

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is NY writer-comedian David Felsen; our Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


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Comment of the Week: A Cautionary Tale About Shame

April 16th, 2014

photo via Flickr

An Em & Lo reader told the following cautionary tale in response to our post “Dear Dr. Joe, Can You Break Your Penis During Sex?” Just one more reason why we need be better, shame-eradicating sex education in this country:

Dr. Joe, very informative post. I’ve always heard that you cannot break it; however, early in high school, I had an injury on a band trip: short version, this girl, an older classmate, started holding my hand and I became so hard, with tight pants on, something broke/popped. I had to be carried off the bus and just said I had stomach pain. The pain was excruciating. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, including my parents, so I wasn’t examined or treated in anyway. I spent the next several years trying to gradually straighten my penis back to normal. It finally healed back to maybe 80%-90% straight. Unfortunately, my erect penis size since that accident has remained maybe 3/4, at most, what it was before. It may be even more like 1/2 but too long ago to really remember.

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Erotica: Spying on Your Neighbors Is Hotter Than Porn

April 15th, 2014

The two of us often struggle with erotica. On the one hand, we think it’s an awesome resource (and by resource, we do of course mean wank material) for women who are easily squicked by porn –by  its cheesy dialogue, its fake boobs, and its even more fake orgasms. On the other hand, we are easily cheesed out by erotica. Also, while we want to inform our readers about new erotica collections — especially when they’re edited by fabulous sex writers like Violet Blue — we feel a little funny publishing material that people might wank to. That’s just not the kind of site we want EMandLO.com to be.

That all said, today we’re publishing an excerpt from a short story called “Reality TV” by Alyssa Turner. It’s part of the book Best Women’s Erotica 2014edited by, yes, Violet Blue.  We’ve convinced ourselves that this excerpt — about how spying on neighbors who “forget” to close the blinds or drapes can be a kind of interactive porn — is more of a tease, and that no one will actually wank to this story until they buy the book and make it all the way to the steamy end. Hey, two prudish sex writers can dream! In the meantime: You’re welcome.

“Reality TV” by Alyssa Turner

“Are you spending another evening in that window, Marcella?” Abby only sounds annoyed as she asks me the same rhetorical question I’ve heard every night this week. Her keys clank on the table next to the door, and I glance in her direction.

“Okay, so I’m nosy. Beats watching TV since they cut off the cable.”

“Maybe if you’d paid the bill instead of getting a new set of headshots…” she says, taking off her sneakers.

I pout. “You don’t mean that.”

And she relents. “No, chica. I don’t. You know I don’t.” Abby kisses me on the cheek. “So what’s playing tonight on NYC live, Amsterdam and One Hundred and Twenty-Third Street edition?”

“Checked out a girl doing Pilates over the bodega.”

“Big deal, I can see that working at the gym any time of the day.”

“Oh, but she was only wearing her panties.” I turn to her and smile.

Abby isn’t convinced. “Give me those,” she says with a devilish grin and snatches the binoculars out of my hands before I can protest. “Now let’s see here. It was the third window from the left, wasn’t it?”

“Wasn’t what?” I act clueless, but I won’t win any Academy Awards with my performance.

“Uh-huh, just like I thought.” She peers down at me from over the Nikons I scored for a bargain at a pawnshop in Times Square. “Same dude we caught stroking his dick in front of the TV three nights ago.”

I’m red, I know it. “Really, I didn’t see him.”

“Guilty little Marcella, can’t tell a lie for shit.” She’s laughing at me.

“Stop it.” I can’t help it. I’m giggling with her.

She takes another look at the nameless guy sitting naked on his couch with just one light on in the kitchen and the blue flick- ering glow of the television washing his taut body. “You’ve been watching him every night, haven’t you?”

“Maybe I have.” I shrug my shoulders.

Abby cocks her head to the side with an eyebrow raised and returns the binoculars to her eyes. “Where’s the zoom on these things?” I start to show her, but she waves me away. “Never mind, I got it.”

… [edited here for length and prurience!] …

“You want chocolate cake, I go to the bakery. You want a bubble bath, I run the water.” She rolls her tongue against mine in a single slow wave. “You have a taste for some cock?” Her voice is throaty. “I’ll see what we can do about that, too.”

“I love you.” All I want to do is show her how much. But Abby is scooting off to our bedroom.

“Stay there. I’ll be right back.” I hear her rustling in the night table. “Don’t you move.”

Sliding down my pants, I’m ready and waiting for her when she returns. Abby saunters back in peeling off her T-shirt and dropping it to the floor. In her other hand, a strap-on harness dangles between three fingers. “Hurry up and bend over before he finishes,” she says, and I do as I’m told. Looking through the binoculars, I’m pleased to see we’re not too late. “You keep watching him stroke his cock. and I’ll help you imagine what he feels like.”

“But you fuck like a girl.” I tease her with a wide grin and my eager booty wiggling in anticipation, waiting while she fastens my favorite dildo snug against her boy shorts.

“Oh, is that right?” Abby squares herself behind me and wraps her tawny fingers onto my hips. She takes a nice firm hold of my sandy brown ponytail and makes sure I know that she intends for me to eat my words. “Well, let’s see if you scream like one.”

Best Women’s Erotica 2014, edited by Violet Blue, is now on sale

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Top 10 Relationship Tips from the IRS

April 15th, 2014

photo via Flickr

We’ve taken this year’s Top 10 Tax Time Tips from the IRS and tweaked them for your dating life (the original document is at the bottom of this post). Because sex is valuable, and money is pretty sexy.  Plus, the IRS likes to refer to itself in the third person, just like we do!

  • Gather your records.  Collect all the evidence from your previous relationships. This includes photos, love letters, and sex toys. Store them in a safe place, one that any new partners will never, ever find.
  • Report your health status.  You will need to report your sexual health status from all of your previous relationships when you start a new relationship. This includes the results from the last time you got checked for STIs, if ever. Remember, April isn’t only tax time, it’s National STI Awareness Month.
  • Get answers.  Use your best communication tools to get answers from a new partner about income, future goals, sexual health, bathroom habits, and family baggage.
  • Weigh your dating options.  You have several options for dating. You can venture out on your own or get professional help from an online dating site or a matchmaker. You may be eligible for free, face-to-face help from friends you respect who have a good dating record and won’t blow smoke up your ass. Weigh your options and choose the ones that work best for you.
  • Consider online dating (seriously).  Electronic dating is one of the best ways to meet someone new. It’s quick, easy and relatively safe (if you’re smart about the way you use the system). Last year, more than 5 million people used online personals. If you own a computer, you have the option of avoiding the dating scene in depressing, overcrowded sports bars.
  • Use Em & Lo’s Private Advice Service.  You can have your online dating profile maximized for a small fee using our Private Advice Service, available exclusively on EMandLO.com. If you’re unsure about the quality of your personal or have trouble expressing yourself in words, you qualify to get our best, most honest advice. If you’re comfortable airing your dirty laundry, you can submit a draft of your online personal ad — or any love-related advice question you might have — to our public forum, where we may answer it online or ask our readers to give their own suggestions in a column called “Your Call.” Visit EMandLO.com to check all your options.
  • Be direct.  Combining honesty with straightforwardness is the fastest and safest way to get a new compatible partner.
  • Visit EMandLO.com 24/7.  Our site is a great place to get everything you need for a satisfying love and sex life. Visit “Advice” for how to’s, tips on technique, answers to frequently asked sex questions, and contact forms to submit your own questions. Get them all anytime, day or night.
  • Check out “SEX“.  Our second to last book, ”SEX: How to Do Everything“, is a complete sex resource. It contains helpful information such as whether you need find the G-spot and how to choose your favorite positions.
  • Review your own merits as a partner.  Mistakes made by you slow down the receipt of true love. Be sure to check all your own shortcomings and psychological issues, as it takes two to tango. If you run into a problem, remember Em & Lo are here to help. Start with EMandLO.com.

Good luck with your taxes and your love life!

 

The above was inspired by the Top 10 Tax Time Tips from the IRS:

  • Gather your records.  Collect all tax records you need to file your taxes. This includes receipts, canceled checks and records that support income, deductions or tax credits that you claim on your tax return. Store them in a safe place.
  • Report all your income.  You will need to report your income from all of your Forms W-2, Wage and Tax Statements, and Form 1099 income statements when you file your tax return.
  • Get answers.  Use the Interactive Tax Assistant tool on the IRS website to get answers to many of your questions about tax credits, deductions and many more topics.
  • Use Free File.  You can prepare and e-file a tax return for free using IRS Free File, available exclusively on IRS.gov. If your income was $58,000 or less, you qualify to use free tax software. If your income was higher, or if you’re comfortable doing your own tax return, you can use Free File Fillable Forms, the electronic version of IRS paper forms. Visit IRS.gov/freefile to check your options.
  • Try IRS e-file.  Electronic filing is the best way to file a tax return. It’s accurate, safe and easy. Last year, more than 122 million taxpayers used IRS e-file. If you owe taxes, you have the option to file early and pay by April 15.
  • Weigh your filing options.  You have several options for filing your tax return. You can prepare it yourself or go to a tax preparer. You may be eligible for free, face-to-face help at a Volunteer Income Tax Assistance or Tax Counseling for the Elderly site. Weigh your options and choose the one that works best for you.
  • Use direct deposit.  Combining e-file with direct deposit is the fastest and safest way to get your tax refund.
  • Visit the IRS website 24/7.  IRS.gov is a great place to get everything you need to file your tax return. Visit ‘1040 Central’ for online tools, filing tips, answers to frequently asked questions and IRS forms and publications. Get them all anytime, day or night.
  • Check out number 17.  IRS Publication 17, Your Federal Income Tax, is a complete tax resource. It contains helpful information such as whether you need to file a tax return and how to choose your filing status.
  • Review your return.  Mistakes slow down the receipt of your tax refund. Be sure to check all Social Security numbers and math calculations on your return, as these are the most common errors. If you run into a problem, remember the IRS is here to help. Start with IRS.gov.

 

Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-14-14

April 14th, 2014

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You will meet people in the strangest places and through the most unlikely situations. So don’t be startled if you fall in love at first sight at the DMV, you feel that spark at the dump, or you get that little tingle in your pants at the funeral home. No matter how inappropriate it may seem, make sure you get the digits.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
There’s a fine line between roleplaying and asking your partner to be someone they’re not. Don’t cross it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This is a much better week to charm the pants off someone figuratively than it is to take them off literally. Restraint should be a value for you this week, not something you use to tie a hottie to the bedpost.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Not to freak you out or anything, but the soulmate clock is ticking, the Jeopardy theme song is winding down, the hotties are all pairing off, it’s less than two months ’til prom, and YOU DON’T HAVE A DATE. You can’t afford a night in; put those drinks on the credit card and paint this town red.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Be yourself. Go on: Wear that beret, do that little Irish jig (who cares if it’s Bon Jovi on the jukebox), admit that you really miss The Bachelor. We guarantee that putting yourself on the line will make someone else feel better about themselves, even if they’re too shy to tell you just yet. And isn’t it enough just to know that? Oh, it’s not? Well this public display of embarrassing proclivities is also the foundation of something beautiful to come. And that’s all that we’re at liberty to say right now.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Remember back when it was considered dorky to be a homebody with a functional family life and parents you actually liked? Now that everybody’s all growed up, your family values are a selling point (except when you say “family values,” you don’t mean “whose stupid idea was suffrage, anyway?”). If you feel a “special bond” (as your grandmother would call it) with someone this week, invite them home for tea.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your spirit is a wild bird, and it cannot be tamed! It soars high over potential mates, taunting them with droppings. Some will flap their wings and try to touch the sky with you. But only a special few will be able to catch up. Those are the kindred ones, and they’re the keepers. If we’re still making sense to you, then you’ve been reading these horoscopes far too religiously for far too long.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The stars are always down on secret affairs. Just once we’d like them to say, “Hey, Scorp, this week is perfect for lying and cheating.” Now that would be a little slice of heaven. But it ain’t ever going to happen. Because no matter how much pull they have with the tides, they can’t make illicit affairs morally conscionable. Poop!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars say one night stands are in your future. We’re not going to judge whether this is good or bad. Just be sure you’re as safe as can be.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
There’s a snake charmer in your life who’s playing you like a, um, whatever instrument snake charmers play. They’ve got you mesmerized, hypnotized, doing silly little dances, treating you like a circus animal instead of the sex animal you are. Have some dignity: grow a spine and some limbs and walk away.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Take a chance this week — we’re, like, 99 percent certain you won’t get hosed for it. A blind date may lead to great oral, a neighborhood function may lead to a “swinging” time, a new pizza topping may spice up an otherwise mundane Monday night at home. Just in case we’re right, make sure you keep a clean house (both genitally and literally). And may we suggest trying pineapple on your pizza? It’ll flavor more than just your ‘za, if you catch our drift.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Do you find yourself putting off calling the person you’re dating? Do you tell him or her white lies about your whereabouts? Do you go out, get shitfaced, and end up doing it in the public bathroom with a near-stranger while the person you’re seeing is home writing you love letters? Well, have we got the pill for you! It’s called “Integria,” and it’ll help you grow some labes and break it off with the person who’s obviously not right for you — guaranteed!

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Your Call: I Finally Escaped a 13-Year Toxic Marriage. Now What?

April 14th, 2014

We get a lot of questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to respond to a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your thoughts in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I am 30 years old and a single mother of 4. I just got out of a very toxic relationship of 13 years. I got married when I was 18 to a man eleven years my senior — yes, I was young and dumb. But I also grew up in poverty (my parents got sponsored to the United States just before I was born) and when I was growing up I was not educated enough to understand what a good man is.

Long story short, I accepted so many wrong things and allowed so much wrong doings in my last relationship that I almost want to become anti-social, and just do everything at home, no matter if it’s school, work, or even shopping. During my 13 years of marriage, I became oppressed and stopped everything that kept me happy and devoted my life to this man.

Now that I finally got out of the relationship, I am ready to live again, I am back in school, socializing, just engaging with society — I feel like I’m 18 again and doing everything that I stopped doing when I got married. I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing, but it really feels like I am catching up with everything I missed out on.

I’m afraid to fall in love with the wrong person and be abused in every way. I’m afraid of being alone as well — I think that’s why I stayed in the relationship for so long. Taking and dealing with all this really FUCKED me up.

I need so much help! How can I move forward?

– The Not So Gay Divorcee

What do you think N.S.G.D. should do? Leave your suggestions for her in the comments section below. 

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Losing It: How We Popped Our Cherry Over the Last 80 Years

April 11th, 2014

Author Kate Monro has managed to make us jealous of her job: searching the world for first-time tales that don’t often get told. In her new book, “Losing It: How We Popped Our Cherry Over the Past 80 Years,” she picks up where Nancy Friday left off, letting a wide range of people — from a 90-year-old woman with “one foot in the grave and the other on a banana skin” (her own words!) to a disabled punk rocker who moves near a lesbian hippie camp in Wales in the 1970′s — tell their stories of how they lost their virginity, smartly bookending each with historical and cultural context. It’s a fascinating book that shows, to put it one way, just how far we’ve come.

Below is an excerpt from the story of a man who’s been married for ten years with two kids. He’d been the one to take his wife’s V-card fourteen years earlier. Then it was her turn to take his:

Boys Don’t Cry

from “Losing It” by Kate Monro

I expected men to hold back, to be economical with the truth. I assumed they would be reticent and reluctant to talk to a woman about one of the most revealing moments in their sexual history.

Reader, they sang like canaries.

Not only that, but they did it with extraordinary honesty. I was about to receive a story that could not have illustrated this point any better if it tried:

[T]wo years ago, while we were in bed, [my wife, Georgina] first brought up the idea of anal. I was, to put it mildly, petrified. Visions of ’being gay’ ran through my head. She assured me I wasn’t but I tried to let the topic die. She wouldn’t. She brought it up again and eventually we made a date to go to a sex-toy store, just to look.

We went, we looked, and I was astounded as to how many toys and videos there were about woman-on-man anal. We both laughed and I found myself going along with things, retreating from a ‘no way’ attitude to one in which I was saying, ‘but that’s way too big’. Eventually we settled for a harness with a dildo on the small side. The salesman nonchalantly rang up the sale.

That night I was about as nervous as I’d ever been. We took our clothes off and kissed. There was no turning back. She looked at me. ‘Ready?’ I went over to the bed and lay down. She went over to a closet and finally reappeared, fully harnessed. I must have gasped. The sight of that missile protruding from her, and meant for me, brought everything home. This was real. I was about to get fucked.

[If you want the dirty details, you'll have to buy the book! Keep reading for the aftermath...]

It was a mind-blowing orgasm, the likes of which I’d never experienced before. I was joyful and ashamed at the same time. What an odd sensation. It was so impersonal. It was as though my private parts were just there to be used by her. She lay atop me, eyes half glazed, staring into space or at the wall or something, but not at me….We said nothing for a while, just holding each other tightly.

The physical act had been one thing, and a weird one at that. But the psychological effects were just beginning to waft in. I’d just come about as close as I ever will to experiencing what Georgina had experienced the first time I had screwed her. This was not like my first experience all those years ago, from which I took away feelings of power and exhilaration. On the contrary, this mostly involved powerlessness – being pursued, penetrated and under the control of another person.

All my life I had been the penetrator and even when the woman was aggressive, there was no doubt as to who was doing what to whom. But now, as the one being penetrated, I was on the other side. She’d gotten me to give it up. She’d probed, thrusted and done any manner of other things, all of her own urging and without regard to what I wanted. She had been cool, under control, self-assured, while I’d been emotional, afraid and out of control. And yet, I’d experienced great orgasms, real rock ’em, sock ’em ones. My mind had reeled at the experience; my body had enjoyed almost every second of it. Even the pain (and there was pain) was rewarded in the end by pleasure.

I told her all these things. She hugged me all the harder and explained how it had been great for her. She told me how she loved being in charge for a change and how great it felt to be able to control me, as opposed to usually being under my control. She said that what really surprised her was how protective she became of me when she realised that I was now vulnerable to her. (Yeah, I thought sarcastically, you really acted protectively.) She said that she felt like she’d conquered me but at the same time wanted to make sure that I was OK.

She also said, mimicking a cornerstone on which patriarchy is based, that she felt surprised at how easily I’d let her do what she was doing and in a way lost some respect for me. I nodded. I was surprised by that too and a little angry that that was how she felt. After all, I’d just done what she wanted me to.

“Losing It” is available now on Amazon.com

Dream Interpretation: My Boyfriend and I Had Matching Nightmares

April 10th, 2014

photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

My boyfriend and I had been arguing all night. Sometime around 4 am, going on 5, we both had a nightmare and addressed each other about it around 8 in the morning. We weren’t in the same place, he was home and I was home. I find it so ironic how we had the same dream (when we weren’t even around each other) let alone more ironic how we woke up at the same time. His dream was that he got jumped. My dream was that these kids he had altercations with were outside my house begging him to come out & pulled out guns but the cops came. Is this symbolizing it’s gonna come true? I’m scared, I’m thinking about visiting a fortune teller. Please help!


LauriOh for goodness sake, save your money! Having the same or similar dream as someone else on the same night isn’t terribly uncommon. It is called “shared dreaming” and it probably happens even more than we realize because we do not always remember nor  report our dreams to others in the morning. I’ve even addressed this in a previous column here at EMandLO.com. The reason your dreams were so similar is because you both went to sleep with the same issue on your mind — your fight — so both of your subconscious minds’ addressed the fight.

In his dream, he got jumped. That reflects how he felt after your fight. He felt attacked… by you, and his dreaming mind equated this to being ganged up on. In your dream the gang was begging him to come out. That probably reflects your role in the fight. When you two were fighting, were you begging him to “come out” and open up about something?

The guns are the emotional weapons you used or both of you used on each other. Guns in dreams are all about shooting off at the mouth, criticism, emotionally wounding words, etc.  The cops showing up represents that you two managed to put a stop to the fight before it got too bad.

So don’t worry, these dreams are not a warning of things to come but rather an honest expression of how you both feel about what went down in your fight. I highly recommend you both continue to share your dreams with each other, as it will help you stay tuned into one another. It’s something fresh to talk about every day, often something fun to laugh about, but most importantly, your dreams are the most pure and honest expressions you have. And in any healthy relationship, honesty is always the best policy.

 

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

 

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Lelo’s Golden Kegel Balls Are Fifty Shades of Luxury

April 10th, 2014

sponsored post

The latest luxury product from our friends at LELO — and this one is no joke! — is a high-end version of their bestselling Luna Beads. Worn one or two at a time, Luna Beads Luxe are offered in either stainless steel or 20-karat gold, and their price points are pure Christian Grey (stainless steel retails for $2090; gold for $3090). Which makes them (a) the most exclusive pleasure beads in the world and (b) most likely out of your price range! But, hey, every vagina likes to splurge every now and then.

Like LELO’s original Luna Beads ($47) — and their stylish counterpart, Luna Beads Noir ($34) — these golden kegel balls (seriously, isn’t it worth the investment just to say you own a pair of golden kegel balls?!) respond to a woman’s movements while she wears them, subtly vibrating internally. And if they’re worn regularly over time, they lead to longer and stronger orgasms. (Hello? Priceless!)

Christian Grey famously told Anastasia that he would like to dictate her gym schedule, in order to keep her in shape for marathon kinky sex sessions. We’re pretty sure he would have assigned her a kegel workout with Luna Beads Luxe, too, had they been available at the time. Possible plot twist for the movie, perhaps? Also, can we all please now agree to show up to the cinema for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie actually wearing our kegel balls? That way we’re guaranteed some pleasure from the experience, no matter how bad the dialogue turns out to be.

In LELO’s own words,  Luna Beads Luxe ”offer a daring and tantalizing look into a world that knows no limits. A world where innermost desires are created, pursued and ultimately achieved. Worn one or two at a time, the 20-karat gold beads vibrate in harmony with the wearer’s movements, rewarding her choice to indulge this secret fantasy. As the most luxurious addition to foreplay, this beautiful set is the ultimate expression of one’s innermost fantasies.” The set is part of LELO’s Luxe Collection, which also includes the $15,000 Inez, the most exclusive vibrator ever made. (Guaranteed to make your other sex toys feel shabby and insignificant!)

Here’s what you get for your money with the Luna Beads Luxe:

• A Discreet Taste of Luxury for Sensational Couples’ Play
• Limitless Versatility for Fun Inside and Outside the Bedroom
• 2 x 47g Beads with Soft Silicone Girdle
• 2-year Warranty and 10-year Guarantee

Not to mention the brag value of being able to drop the following line into casual conversation: I have a vagina of steel.

Read more about Luna Beads Luxe at LELO.com

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