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Which Is Tougher: Pussy Or Balls?

July 23rd, 2014

Our hilarious friend and Lo’s old college dorm buddy (that’s not a euphemism) Eric Levy is an up-and-coming stand-up comedian. We’ve never seen him live, but he’s always cracked us up. He recently posted a set from last December on Facebook, so we finally got a chance to check him out: and he’s as funny as ever! We especially liked his bit on pussy vs. balls, and which is the tougher of the two (starts at minute 13:15). Enjoy!:

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An Audience Member at “The Men Tell All” Tells All

July 22nd, 2014

Our friend Laurie Sandell is not only a celebrity interviewer for women’s magazines like In Style, Glamour and Marie Claire, she is also a Bachelor Nation superfan. She started a private Facebook group for her likeminded friends (like us) called “Monday Night You-Know-What Discussion Group.” ¬†She once bagged the White Rhino of Ben’s season of¬†The Bachelor, a random run-in¬†with show-villain and now tell-all author of “I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends,” Courtney Robertson¬†(Laurie was bold enough to ask for a pic together and got one!). Her superfandom reached its zenith last night: she was in the studio audience of “The Men Tell All”! And now she’s here to tell us all about it:

How did you score tickets to “The Men Tell All”?
One of my friends knows one of the show’s producers. ¬†As soon as I found this out, I immediately called in the most important favor I could imagine ever asking of him.

Where were you seated?
In the front row directly behind [host] Chris Harrison and the hot seat. It was just a fluke we got those seats: I brought a friend [another fellow superfan] and we were one of the last people called into the theater. They needed a party of two for the front row and we fit the bill.

What’s the difference between seeing it in person and seeing it on TV?
Surprisingly, it was eeerily similarly because the set was so utterly familiar, like we had teleported through our TV into the studio. Everything looked exactly the same: the lighting, the flowers, the candles, and, of course, the roses.

Are the guys better (or worse) looking in person?
So much better looking in person. We were actually floored by how good-looking they were. They were shorter than we expected, however ‚ÄĒ at least some of them were. They were all very comfortable and charismatic on stage. Clearly they had been in front of cameras for months. None of them seemed shy or embarrassed to be there.

Were there any surprises with the guys?
I have to admit, I have been a little bit lax in my viewing this season: I have an infant, so I’ve been watching with one eye, so I didn’t know exactly who the guys were. So when they came out, I was like “That guy is cute.” But he turned out to be the potentially racist one, so I quickly changed my crush.

To whom?
Ron was very charming and super cute.

What was Chris Harrison like?
He’s more sarcastic and hilarious than he is on the show. On the show he has to appeal to a mainstream American audience, but in reality he’s very wry and quick-witted, so that surprised me a bit.

And what was Andi like?
Very likable. And so much more beautiful in person ‚ÄĒ she truly is stunningly gorgoeus, as good-looking as any A-list celelbrity. Articulate and very put together. She came across as genuine.

How long did it take?
Eight hours.

What?!? Really? Start to finish?
Really, eight hours.¬†When we first got there, we were in a holding room while the producers were making sure everyone was there. They gave us sandwiches. Then they ushered us into the studio and we spent the first two hours watching the fantasy suites episode — they tape “The Men Tell All” before the fantasy suites episode airs so we got to see it before anyone else. After that, each segment took a long time to shoot because they film more than they air, and there were breaks between each segment for leg-stretching and bathroom runs.

How were the bathrooms?
Luxury trailers set up like nice hotel restrooms. An entire trailer was one bathroom.

What was the audience like?
I was looking around at my fellow audience members, like, “Who are these people? How did they get here?” There were a lot of jewel-toned tops.¬†It really did look exactly like the audience you see on TV. They’re a combination of people like me who are friends of friends, people who had won charity contests, randos off the street, and people associated with the show. For instance, there was a guy there — and there are hardly any guys in the audience — so I asked him how he got there and he said he provides the limos for the show.¬†But¬†I have to say, everybody in that audience was a superfan — there was not one jaded person in the room.¬†I’ve been in the studio audience of “Dancing with the Stars” — I was there to interview Lisa Vanderpump — and I was seated next to another interviewer who was totally bored. At the “Men Tell All”, everyone — and I mean everyone — was into it, laughing it up.

Did you practice your reaction faces beforehand?
My friend and I were cracking up practicing our faces beforehand, but when the show started, we were so caught up in it, we really were making crazy expressions. Afterwards, we were actually afraid we might look really ugly because we hadn’t practiced looking pretty while looking surprised!

Did they use any of your reaction shots?
Umm, nothing BUT shots of us! We were practically in every frame! [See below, Laurie is the one in blue, with dark brown glossy bangs.] There were no super surprised reaction shots but we did tsk tsk when Chris Harrison talked about Marquel getting kicked off. ¬†At one point, Chris ¬†brought up a rumor that Andi was pregnant, but I misheard and thought she was about to announce that she actually was preggers, so¬†I whipped my head around to my friend and gasped louder than I’ve ever gasped in my life. ¬†Fortunately they didn’t use that.

What was the most surprising thing about the experience?
It was more intimate than I thought it would be. There’s nowhere to hide. You really are a part of the show.¬†And the guys were very close to the audience. They were only a few feet away.¬†They were milling about afterwards and we could have interacted with them, but there were a lot of producers around and I think it would have been unseemly to try to talk to them.

Any other dirt you can give us?
There are a ton of funny things that I’d like to share but they might really break the fourth wall and I had to sign an extremely steep confidentially agreement that no amount of fundraisers would ever help me recoup.

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Wise Guys: Which Would You Choose, Intercourse or Oral?

July 22nd, 2014

apples_orangesphoto via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “If guys had to choose between only intercourse or only blowjobs for the rest of their life, which do you think most guys would choose?”

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): I think most guys would choose blowjobs, but they really should be choosing intercourse. BJs are the best thing to happen to sex since sliced bread, but with added perks (let’s just say it’s like taking your car in for an oil change and getting a free car wash). Most men don’t get as many blowjobs in their daily routine as they’d like, so the prospect of guaranteed hummers for life is a dream come true. But it’s a devil’s bargain. Blowjobs are awesome, but they’re unsubstantial — mere icing on the cake. And a man can’t feel truly satisfied on a diet of sugar frosting alone. At some point he’s going to want to connect meaningfully with his partner. And by the time he gets to be 30 or 40 he may even want to have a baby. (Yes, men have biological clocks too. Ours are not as prominent as women’s, they’re more like pocket watches, but we have them.)

Straight Married Guy (Fred): I think most guys would struggle with this one, but then decide that intercourse would be the better choice. There are more variations of intercourse, for one thing.¬† There’s more skin contact which is always nice. Giving her pleasure at the same time is a big turn on.¬† The fact that intercourse is active rather than passive makes it a more likely choice for guys.¬† We like to do stuff… like aggressive pelvic thrusting.

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Your Weekly Stars: 07-21-14

July 20th, 2014

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Keep yourself busy this week. And we don’t mean by re-organizing your sock drawer or checking out your Netflix Suggested Viewing. Go out on the town, wine, dine, take in the sights, absorb some local culture, flirt, shake your groove thang, sing karaoke, make out in dark corners. You’re much hotter when you’re cooking something up than when you just order in.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’ll just want to cozy up with your hon and a home-cooked meal, maybe a couple of DVDs. You’ll feel like staying at home, kicking back and knockin’ some boots. Or maybe you’ll be up for a weekend getaway, just the two of you. Fuggetaboudit. Your hon isn’t going to be on the same page this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t lie this week. Just be honest. It truly is the best policy (except when faced with questions like “Do I look fat?” or “Is my penis too small?”).

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
They’re called standards. Get some this week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“[We] know something about love: you gotta take it and show him what the world is made of ‚ÄĒ one kiss will prove it. If you want him to be always by your side, take his hand tonight, swallow your foolish pride and tell him that you’re never gonna leave him, tell him that you’re always gonna love him, tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now.”*

*If necessary, feel free to replace the words “him” with “her” and “love” with “sex.”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When you have a hot date, you shave, maybe buy a new shirt, put on your best underwear, clean your apartment . . . just in case. But admit it: it’s a bit of a ruse. Most of your underwear is worn and torn, and stubble is a way of life for you. We’re not suggesting you shouldn’t bother showering before you go out, just make sure you’re not pretending to be someone you’re not for the sake of impressing another this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Isn’t it always the way? You fall hard for someone and they’re emotionally unavailable. Someone digs your scene and you couldn’t care less. The imbalance of romantic power ‚ÄĒ or “hand,” as George Castanza said: seriously, did you know he, like, invented the concept?! ‚ÄĒ has got to be one of Murphy’s Laws. This week, you’ll have mad hand. Just be sure you don’t rip out someone’s heart with it.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Take that special someone to the boardwalk this week. Take a day off work if you have to. Ride the ferris wheel, slip down the water slide, eat chocolate-covered, frozen bananas on a stick. There’s nothing like getting sand in your pants to bring two people closer together.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t go swimming too soon after you’ve had a feast of the eyes.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Do the Wonder Twins stand around discussing what they’re going to do and how they’re feeling about each and every situation? No. They pick a form and they commit to it. They act. This week, let your Wonder Twin powers activate!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t be surprised if any of the following somehow creep up in conversation this week: “If you won’t marry me, I’ll go gay”; “If you leave, I’ll shave my cat”; “If we can’t have sex every day, I’ll bonk our mail carrier”; “If you don’t start using deodorant, I’ll vote Republican. ” Don’t get bullied by ultimatums ‚ÄĒ giving into them doesn’t help anyone. Except the Republicans. And the mail carrier.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Jealous feelings are about as reliable as a used car dealer. You’d research a second-hand car before plonking down your three hundred bucks, right? So, before you let the green monster out of the cage, do a little research first. Chances are, you just don’t have all the facts regarding a certain someone you are rather fond of. And if you’re right, hell, unleash the ugly beast.

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What We THINK Will Happen on The Bachelorette Tonight

July 20th, 2014

Unfortunately neither of us is able to watch the “Men Tell All” episode of “The Bachelorette” tonight — starring Andi and all the men she has spurned so far. So we won’t be able to bring your our usual tart wrap-up and love lessons tomorrow. Instead, here’s what we imagine might happen on tonight’s episode…

1. Marcus will cry (again) and then admit that the only thing that got him through being dumped by Andi was moving to Vegas and becoming a male stripper.

2. Chris will tell Andi that he never actually had feelings for her, either — he was really just looking for an extra player for hide and seek in the corn fields of Iowa. He may also ask her to play one more game of hide and seek in the studio audience.

3. Andrew the rogue contestant will storm the stage and demand to show off his recently waxed chest. Andi will cry and stamp her feet and ask why no one takes this charade seriously?!

4. The men will perform a unique striptease-meets-mime dance. Andi will nod seriously.

5. Host Chris will take a lie detector test, just as the contestants have been forced to do, and will admit that this entire show is a farce. And then he will perform a striptease.

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How to Choose Your Very First Vibrator

July 18th, 2014

LELO’s Nea vibrator

So you’re ready to purchase your very own My First Vibrator? Good for you! And you came to the right place, because yours truly, Em & Lo, happen to be your very personal shoppers.

Exploring on your own is the best way to start learning the pattern of your sexual response — especially if you’ve had fairly limited sexual experience, or have yet to experience an orgasm. Too many straight women wait for a fella to come ’round to show them the way — but those dudes often don’t have a map (or else they don’t care if you get left behind). But if more women took the initiative, we’d probably get a lot fewer letters from gals saying they can’t orgasm during sex with a partner. After all, doing it on your own means you’re much more likely to be able to do it with a partner — and you’re much more likely to be able to ask for what you want when you’re with that partner, too.

And just in case you’re still “curiously debating,” here’s one more reason to go for it: Studies have shown that more than a third of women own vibrators, and that those who use them experience higher levels of sexual desire and more orgasms than those who don’t.

Okay, so now you’ve got to choose your weapon. There’s a lot of crap out there, and though we know it might be tempting to go bargain-basement shopping in the middle of a recession, you do have to pay a little bit extra for a quality toy. And by quality, we don’t mean “Swarovski-crystal-encrusted,” we just mean one that’s actually meant to be used as a vibrator, and not “for novelty purposes only.”

The most important quality in a sex toy is that it’s phthalate-free (pronounced “thay-late”) — and if the shop you’re browsing in doesn’t know what you’re talking about when you ask whether a toy contains phthalates, then you don’t want to spend your hard-earned money there! Phthalates are plastic softeners which have been shown to be bad for both your body and the environment — they’re banned in kids’ toys and even in pet toys in most countries, and yet manufacturers continue to use them in sex toys! Shocking, we know. Pure silicone is phthalate-free and always a great option for a sex toy, though there are other newer materials on the market that are also phthalate-free and worth checking out.

For newbies, we think that Fun Factory — a German toy manufacturer — is a great place to start. We’d recommend any of their toys, in fact! We love their Laya¬†($50), which is for external use. Or, if you want something slightly more phallic (and insertion-friendly), check out the¬†G-spot friendly G-Swirl Smartvibe¬†($82). For even more choice, check out GoodVibes, which stocks a whole range of Fun Factory toys.

Our friends at LELO also offer some fab — and gorgeously designed — sex toys for beginners. If you want a small smooth toy that fits in the palm of your hand like a well worn pebble, try their Siri, their Lily, or their Nea (all rechargeable).

If you’re looking for a kitchen-sink vibrator — i.e. one that provides simultaneous internal and external stimulation while paying attention to the G-spot — then a Rabbit-style vibrator is your friend in need. But again, beware of cheap knock-offs! Ever since the Rabbit made a guest appearance on Sex & the City, companies across the globe have been attempting to cash in on the trend. LELO makes a rechargeable Rabbit-style toy called the Ina 2¬†($159). Sure, it’s a little pricey, but most of you have probably spent more than this on a pair of jeans. And when’s the last time a pair of $159 jeans got you off? Never say that money can’t buy you a little love!

If all of the above are still a bit too pricey, you can always go with the ol’ standby: The Pocket Rocket. It’s only meant for external use, but at least the hard plastic it’s made of won’t leach phthalates. For $30, you can get a similar style vibe that’s waterproof made by dependable Vibratex, called the Water Dancer.

When you’re ready to expand your toy collection — you can’t have just one! — just make sure you’re shopping at a decent, well-lighted sex toy outlet. We trust GoodVibes with both our credit cards and our genitals, and we trust them to steer a newbie in the right direction.

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The Best Animal “Sex” Photos from Getty Images

July 17th, 2014

When you do a search for ‚Äúsex‚ÄĚ on¬†Getty Images, you get¬†a lot¬†of interesting results ‚ÄĒ so many, in fact, that we were compelled to create a¬†superlative series of Getty ‚Äúsex‚ÄĚ search images. Today‚Äôs installment highlights some of the best animal nookie on file. Stay tuned over the next few weeks for more animal-related best-of lists more narrowly defined by species and genus, aw yeah. Enjoy!

 

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Dream Interpretation: I Had Sex with a Guy in a Mask

July 17th, 2014

photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I dreamt that it was Halloween and I was walking next to a house with a really big display and haunted house, then someone runs at me wearing a mask and yelling and I run away. They grab me laughing and take off their mask and it turns out that it’s a man that I’ve known since high school and that I’ve previously had sex with and he had a small crush on me. He invites me into his house to hangout. We end up in this barn type enclosure full of hay and we start kissing and have very sweet but intense sex on top of the hay. Then someone walks in on us and my dream is over.

Lauri:¬†Hmmm… I’m thinking this dream is a really positive one, showing that you are beginning to accept yourself for who you are and are really beginning to like yourself.

Halloween is all about parading around as someone else, and the display, I believe, symbolizes that you have been putting on a display in real life. But then a guy that was really into you takes off his mask. Everything in a dream is really about you, so he represents the part of yourself that is totally cool with who you are and that wants to remove the false front.

Just as you yelled and ran away in the dream, this must have been a frightening thing to do… open up or reveal your true self recently. The sex that ensues is also an important message. Remember, sex in a dream is usually about incorporating some sort of quality or behavior into your life and into yourself. It seems to me, you are incorporating self appreciation into your life. And to that I say, “Rock on sista!”

 

Visit Lauri’s brand new site,¬†WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book,¬†Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too.¬†Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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5 Reasons Why Sea Sex Sucks

July 16th, 2014

photo via Flickr

It’s that time of year. The temperatures go up, the clothes come off, and you’re at the beach/by the pool/in the hot tub with your honey. Things can easily get frisky quickly. Come on, who doesn’t want to recreate that pool scene from Showgirls? Well, we don’t. We hate to rain on your already-wet water-sex parade, but here are five reasons why we don’t endorse it:

1.

Condoms can malfunction. Much more easily than usual. Suction issues lead to slippage and then it’s unsafe city from there on out.

2.

Spermicide can be washed away. Not that we’re big fans of spermicide to begin with, but if your birth control of choice happens to include some, water will dilute it and decrease its efficacy.

3.

It also washes away natural lubricant, which makes penetration more difficult and possibly painful.

4.

Chemicals or bacteria in the water can be pushed into the vagina or butt, causing irritation or infection. Not exactly how you want to be spending your beach vacation.

5.

¬†Finally, it’s just not very polite¬†to ejaculate all over a public place. People peeing in the ocean — or worse, the pool — is bad enough. Don’t muddy the waters further with your own love juice.

Sorry to be wet noodles, but intercourse in the sea, pool or jacuzzi¬†is just not a safer sex option. However, if you and your partner¬†are body fluid monogamous, if one of you is on hormonal birth control like the Pill (if you’re a straight couple), and if you really want to swim at your own risk, then we suppose you could try¬†applying a water-resistant silicone lubricant to both of your naughty bits¬†to make for easier underwater entry.¬†However, we’d just recommend some¬†external fondling beaneath the waves as a form of foreplay, rather than any kind of penetration.¬†Save that for the nice summer-vacation hotel room.

Disclaimer: Em & Lo are not doctors, and the information contained in this column should not be considered a substitute for a discussion with a medical professional — e.g. your OB-GYN or physician — about safer sex.

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