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The Best Animal “Sex” Photos from Getty Images

July 17th, 2014

When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we were compelled to create a superlative series of Getty “sex” search images. Today’s installment highlights some of the best animal nookie on file. Stay tuned over the next few weeks for more animal-related best-of lists more narrowly defined by species and genus, aw yeah. Enjoy!

 

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Dream Interpretation: I Had Sex with a Guy in a Mask

July 17th, 2014

photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I dreamt that it was Halloween and I was walking next to a house with a really big display and haunted house, then someone runs at me wearing a mask and yelling and I run away. They grab me laughing and take off their mask and it turns out that it’s a man that I’ve known since high school and that I’ve previously had sex with and he had a small crush on me. He invites me into his house to hangout. We end up in this barn type enclosure full of hay and we start kissing and have very sweet but intense sex on top of the hay. Then someone walks in on us and my dream is over.

LauriHmmm… I’m thinking this dream is a really positive one, showing that you are beginning to accept yourself for who you are and are really beginning to like yourself.

Halloween is all about parading around as someone else, and the display, I believe, symbolizes that you have been putting on a display in real life. But then a guy that was really into you takes off his mask. Everything in a dream is really about you, so he represents the part of yourself that is totally cool with who you are and that wants to remove the false front.

Just as you yelled and ran away in the dream, this must have been a frightening thing to do… open up or reveal your true self recently. The sex that ensues is also an important message. Remember, sex in a dream is usually about incorporating some sort of quality or behavior into your life and into yourself. It seems to me, you are incorporating self appreciation into your life. And to that I say, “Rock on sista!”

 

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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5 Reasons Why Sea Sex Sucks

July 16th, 2014

photo via Flickr

It’s that time of year. The temperatures go up, the clothes come off, and you’re at the beach/by the pool/in the hot tub with your honey. Things can easily get frisky quickly. Come on, who doesn’t want to recreate that pool scene from Showgirls? Well, we don’t. We hate to rain on your already-wet water-sex parade, but here are five reasons why we don’t endorse it:

1.

Condoms can malfunction. Much more easily than usual. Suction issues lead to slippage and then it’s unsafe city from there on out.

2.

Spermicide can be washed away. Not that we’re big fans of spermicide to begin with, but if your birth control of choice happens to include some, water will dilute it and decrease its efficacy.

3.

It also washes away natural lubricant, which makes penetration more difficult and possibly painful.

4.

Chemicals or bacteria in the water can be pushed into the vagina or butt, causing irritation or infection. Not exactly how you want to be spending your beach vacation.

5.

 Finally, it’s just not very polite to ejaculate all over a public place. People peeing in the ocean — or worse, the pool — is bad enough. Don’t muddy the waters further with your own love juice.

Sorry to be wet noodles, but intercourse in the sea, pool or jacuzzi is just not a safer sex option. However, if you and your partner are body fluid monogamous, if one of you is on hormonal birth control like the Pill (if you’re a straight couple), and if you really want to swim at your own risk, then we suppose you could try applying a water-resistant silicone lubricant to both of your naughty bits to make for easier underwater entry. However, we’d just recommend some external fondling beaneath the waves as a form of foreplay, rather than any kind of penetration. Save that for the nice summer-vacation hotel room.

Disclaimer: Em & Lo are not doctors, and the information contained in this column should not be considered a substitute for a discussion with a medical professional — e.g. your OB-GYN or physician — about safer sex.

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Extra-Marital Sex: Ask for Permission, Not Forgiveness

July 16th, 2014

Reader Vixen told the following cautionary tale in response to our post, “Your Call – He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?” Remember, dear readers: Most people find it easier to get over infidelity than dishonesty in their spouse. The sooner you say something — preferably before you actually cheat — the better.

My spouse of 15 years has just told me that he has been cheating on me for years and doesn’t love any of the other women, still loves me, but wants an open marriage.

For a few years, his bedroom fantasies have been kinky, and he said he wanted to ‘share me.’ I agreed to these fantasies only in the bedroom. I thought that is what his desires were, just fantasies. They didn’t do it for me, but I desired to be intimate with him, so I entertained them. He has a high stress career and is always told what to do, so I figured he needed a little Dom control to cope.

We never had a conversation about his desires. Or mine, which I guess are vanilla. Although I do think, had he communicated with me, he might have seen I have some vixen in me, too. So he went outside of our marriage to act out his fantasies, yet, he still doesn’t seem happy.

He recently met a married woman on Ashley Madison and had a couple of “angry sex” encounters. Her husband found out and informed me. It is a mess. Now we are separating. I hope he will agree to counseling. He said he did not feel this way until 8 years into our marriage when our daughter was about to be born. I wonder why he didn’t just talk to me about his feelings or ask for a divorce then? I would have been crushed, but now 7 years later am just beyond words devastated.

I have stuck by him, and I thought we were friends, as well. Now I have lost my husband and my friend. I am wondering if all of this behavior change could be PTSD, sex addiction, fear of retirement, mid-life crisis, and alcoholism. He said he was sorry that he hurt me with the affairs, but was not sorry he had the affairs. He did finally admit to being an alcoholic.

All he is thinking about is himself. And to think that I have laid awake at night wanting him and he claimed he was too tired. And our little girl wanted to spend time with him and he was too tired. Yet, he had alter-ego. He has always been the most level-headed, soft spoken man. None of this makes sense. I want to help him, but I feel so betrayed and unattractive.

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Top 10 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Andi’s Fantasy Suites)

July 15th, 2014

We always look forward to the Fantasy Suite episodes — contestants get naked, both literally and figuratively, and shit gets real. The Bachelor or Bachelorette may or may not sleep with three hopefuls in three days — and it’s all made possible by the host-slash-pimp, Chris. Unless, of course, it’s Andi’s season, in which case you’ll find more sexual innuendo in the Lego movie. Last night’s episode was all about feeeeeeeeelings. Yawn.

Anyway, here are the top ten love lessons — note: no sex lessons — we managed to wring out of this :

1. When a date is telling you about the heartbreak he suffered after a woman broke off their engagement, this is probably a good time to take a break from the tortilla chips and give him your full attention. (That said: Was this a Bachelorette first, to witness a woman actually eating?!)

2. If you’re trying to convince someone that getting naked is the obvious next step in the relationship, don’t tell them that you have “a childlike sense of wonder” (serious lady boner killer, no?). In fact, never ever say something like this about yourself. Also, if your date suggests that the two of you spend the night together in a luxury hotel suite, just say yes. Do not say, “I can’t wait to talk your ear off all night, that’s the thing I’m most excited about.” And definitely do not add: “I’m long-winded!” Instead, say, “Of course!” and then grin adorably, eager as a black Lab puppy, and say, “It’s too easy!”

3. When someone tells you they love you, and admits to being terrified at saying this, do not pout your bottom lip and make a baby talk noise like this person is an adorable toddler who just pooped on the potty for the first time.

4. Dance like no one is watching, even if you’re being trailed by an invasive camera crew. Even if you move like a jock whose muscles are stiff from lifting too many weights.

5. Think twice about taking in a fireworks display right before you’re about to do it for the first time. All that heavy premature ejaculation symbolism might be more than your date can bear.

6. If your family is the thing your partner loves most about you, there’s probably not a lot of boot knocking in your future.

7. It’s one thing to play hide and seek with your date when you’re home visiting family and it’s a family tradition. But to suggest it a second time? In a field that looks itchy and bug-ridden? Consider your invite to the Fantasy Suite revoked!

8. We’re all for honesty during breakups, but there’s a level of extreme honesty that can be purely self-serving. Let’s say, for example, that there’s no way in hell you’d quit your fancy lawyer job to become a farmer’s wife in Iowa, and you find yourself with no romantic feelings for this farmer in question. It would be kind to focus on the Iowa farming part, no? That’s what we thought. When you say something like, “I have more respect for you than to blame it on Iowa,” are you really thinking of his feelings?

9. When you’re dumping someone and breaking their heart, do not weep so much that the heartbroken one is forced to comfort you, the dumper. Those tears are just to make you feel like a better person — they’re not helping the dumpee. Cut the tears and let them go. And when you’re the dumpee, do exactly as Chris did: Be brief, be honest, be dignified, and walk away. (Gentlemanly hand kiss entirely optional.)

10. And finally, we never thought we’d have to say this, but apparently we do: If you’re not yet ready to sleep with a new partner, then it’s definitely too early to share that story about how you wet the bed all the way up until fifth grade.

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Wise Guys: Which Is Better, Oral or Intercourse?

July 15th, 2014

apples_orangesphoto via Flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “If guys had to choose between only intercourse or only blowjobs for the rest of their life, which do you think most guys would choose?”

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): I think most guys would choose blowjobs, but they really should be choosing intercourse. BJs are the best thing to happen to sex since sliced bread, but with added perks (let’s just say it’s like taking your car in for an oil change and getting a free car wash). Most men don’t get as many blowjobs in their daily routine as they’d like, so the prospect of guaranteed hummers for life is a dream come true. But it’s a devil’s bargain. Blowjobs are awesome, but they’re unsubstantial — mere icing on the cake. And a man can’t feel truly satisfied on a diet of sugar frosting alone. At some point he’s going to want to connect meaningfully with his partner. And by the time he gets to be 30 or 40 he may even want to have a baby. (Yes, men have biological clocks too. Ours are not as prominent as women’s, they’re more like pocket watches, but we have them.)

Straight Married Guy (Fred): I think most guys would struggle with this one, but then decide that intercourse would be the better choice. There are more variations of intercourse, for one thing.  There’s more skin contact which is always nice. Giving her pleasure at the same time is a big turn on.  The fact that intercourse is active rather than passive makes it a more likely choice for guys.  We like to do stuff… like aggressive pelvic thrusting.

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Your Weekly Stars: 07-14-14

July 14th, 2014

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anxiety is about as sexy as spinach in your teeth, bad breath, and a root canal. (Don’t even try to figure out what all the mouth imagery means. ) If you want to get laid anytime soon, do whatever it takes to remove the sources of anxiety from your life. At least, do whatever’s legal.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So, it’s the middle of July and you haven’t been laid in how long? You’re overthinking everything, that’s your problem. This is not rocket science (just look at all the idiots out there getting laid on a daily basis); this is summer-fling sex. And you, our friend, are not getting any — or at least not as much as you should. Shut down your brain and let a few other organs lead the way this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We didn’t do so well in Economics 101, but you don’t have to be Warren Buffett to understand the concept of supply and demand. Lately, you’ve been flooding the market with what you’ve got to offer, and consequently, consumer demand has plummeted. Make yourself scarce for a week and demand is sure to rise.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Look, you can’t get something for nothing. If you want to receive, then you’ve got to give. Enough with the mysterious act. Stop playing it safe. Don’t be afraid. Just dress up as a goat in heat like your partner has been requesting, and then you’ll get all the nookie you’ve been aching for.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If sex is a tall glass of water, then you’re probably feeling like an Arab on sabbatical in the Sahara these days. But try to resist drinking from the first pond you stumble upon — it’s likely just a mirage. Make like a camel and rely on your own resources for satiation. You’ll reach the blue lagoon soon enough.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The trouble with ultimatums is that sometimes your bluff is called. So when you tell your partner, “Either I go or the monkey in diapers goes,” be sure you’ve got your bags packed, just in case.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Oh, you so horny. Oh, oh, you so horny. Oh, you so horny. You love s/he long time.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
No means no, especially when you ask your partner if they’d mind donning a Stetson and yelling, “Ride me cowboy!” during sex. Sure, you could always lasso them in and force them to play along, but in the long run you’ll be riding without a pardner. Remember, the midnight cowboy rides alone.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got your head up your ass. Ask a good friend for directions about your love life. Better yet, ask them how to get your head out of your ass.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
What is it about the V.I.P. room? Okay, so maybe it’s the free champagne, the half-dressed hotties, and the heavy dose of exclusivity (the ultimate aphrodisiac). Plus — oooh look, there’s Justin Bieber! This week, you’ll have no problem talking your way into the V.I.P. booty room — but are you sure you’re ready to follow through? Don’t waste your time (and your tightly rolled fifty-dollar bills) sweet-talking your way into something (or someone) if you’d rather be home playing board games. (Don’t deny it, we know how hot Scrabble gets you.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This week, push won’t come to shove; push will come to your sorry ass alone and depressed in an empty apartment with no one to screw. Keep your hands to yourself for a while.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week the stars and planets said, “Don’t get involved with someone for the wrong reasons.” Duh. Like there’s ever a good time to get involved with someone for the wrong reasons. We’re giving the stars the benefit of the doubt and assuming they meant to suggest that this week you’re particularly prone to getting involved with someone for the wrong reasons, whatever those wrong reasons may be (clinical depression, financial gain, sexual desperation). But hey, acknowledging the problem is half the battle.

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Sexy World Cup Haiku Winners

July 13th, 2014

As of pub time, we have no idea who will win the Germany vs Argentina final today (our guess: Germany; our hope: Argentina), but we do know who’s the winner in our LELO sexy World Cup haiku contest! You guys proved that sex toys and the World Cup go together like Suarez and animal behavior (think he’s a biter in bed?!).

As we reported here recently, men account for four of every five sex toy transactions at LELO.com in the week before a big sporting event; normally their transactions are split 50-50, men-women. Thank you to all our contestants who did their best to keep this World Cup sexed up! Without further ado, here is the lucky winner, who scores $200 to spend on the LELO swage of her choice…

THE WINNER:

Neymar on the brain,
My LELO in bed with me
That’s a golazo!
– Katie R.

THE RUNNER UP:

A sports bar daydream
The Adidas Brazuca
Looks like my LELO
– Dave W.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: 

Two hours of running
Footballers have stamina
ISLA lasts longer
– Dave W.

Playing on the field.
Running, panting, and sweating.
Winning with a goal.
– Molly M.

The ball and the field.
Take full control of Lyla.
You have possession.
– Molly M.

Hands are not allowed
In World Cup soccer, but are
Encouraged in bed!
– Mark

Don’t commit a foul,
Lest you feel the wrong end of
A penalty kick.
– Mark

Just like orgasms,
Multiples are pretty fun:
Goal goal goal goal goal!
– Mark

Endurance is key
In soccer and the bedroom.
Let LELO assist!
– Mark

They’re not just for kicks.
You’ll be playing extra time:
LELO Luna Beads.
– Mark

With LELO Ida,
You’ll be a FIFA World Champ
Scoring in the box.
– Mark

And a nod to reader Sand, who misunderstood the instructions — 5-7-5 refers to syllables, not word count — but who still wrote an entertaining poem. Better luck next time!

Ora the pitch, come Klose
Liv for football, Lelo making me Mona
Faster Soraya, leaving me Messi!
– Sand

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How to Define “Classic Rape”

July 11th, 2014

Last week, a UK judge proved just how real “rape culture” is: In response to a jury quickly finding a man guilty of raping a woman who was passed out on his couch, the judge offered these condolences to the criminal (i.e. not the victim):

  • “It’s sad to see a man of generally good character in the dock for such a serious offence.”
  • “I do not regard you as a classic rapist. I do not think you are a general danger to strangers. You are not the type who goes searching for a woman to rape.
  • “This was a case where you just lost control of normal restraint.”
  • “It was almost out of the blue that two girls turned up late at night, very, very drunk, at your home.
  • “The victim was the worst for drink out of the two of them. She was completely out of it. I accept that evidence.”
  • “She was a pretty girl who you fancied. You simply could not resist. You had sex with her.”

Salon responded with an appropriate WTF article about how “[t]his is everything that is wrong with how we view and talk about rape.” And when we posted about it earlier this week on Facebook, Molly Durham wrote this hilarious response:

*snorts* if this guy had it his way, there’d probably be a rape matrix or something… “Victim must be held down for 9.4 sec, victim must scream for 12.7 sec and clearly call for help 4 times at a level of 150 decibels or more, however, if rapist is known by victim or tells her that it’s not actually rape, victim must start over and file formal petition to change relationship with rapist from known to unknown.” Or some other bureaucratic nonsense… Sigh. It’s hard to be female, cis or trans :/

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