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How to Live a Complete Life Without Sex

December 5th, 2014


photo via WeHeartIt

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m 34 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I was molested as a child and raped as an adult. I’ve never had consensual sex. Yet I have intensely sexual dreams. I’ve had years of counseling, but the fear of having a sexual relationship remains. I isolate myself from men.¬† The only ones I feel comfortable around are gay or married. I feel ostracized from a society which places such a high priority on sex, and I feel I am missing out on life because of my limitations. Am I really missing out? Is it possible to live a complete life without sex?

–Not Feeling It

Dear NFI,

This may sound strange coming from two women who’ve made a career out of talking about sex, but you absolutely can live a complete life without sex! It’s really not that big a deal. Well, it certainly is for some people (Tantric sex practitioners and right wing Republicans with secret gimp mask collections, for example). But for a lot of other people, sex is something they could simply take or leave — whether because of their body/brain chemistry, religious beliefs, or past experiences. And there are certainly many other things under the sun that can make for an interesting, fulfilling life. Orgasms are nice, but they don’t teach kids to read, or build Habitat for Humanity houses, or organize community activities, or run marathons, or pass a bill on Capitol Hill…

We know it’s hard being constantly bombarded by sexual imagery in the media, but please understand that the majority of it is a fantasy, one that’s often orchestrated simply to get us to buy products (even stuff as mundane as instant rice!). The reality is that while sex can be fun and exhilarating and bonding, it can also be messy and stressful and unfulfilling. We’re certain our society’s obsession with sex, especially idealized sex, has led to an awful lot of disappointment in the sack. Add to that the sad fact that sex can be used as a weapon of violence and subjugation, and we see nothing wrong with people — especially people who’ve been through the kind of trauma you have — choosing celibacy, if that’s what’s right and works for them.

Now, you mention that you do have sexual dreams, but you don’t say anything about masturbation. Just because you may choose to forgo partner sex, doesn’t mean you can’t (or shouldn’t) have sex with yourself! The great thing about self-pleasure is that you are in total control — of the pace, the timing, the techniques, the mood — without having to worry about anyone else’s good time. If you haven’t already, we’d really recommend getting an empowering book on masturbation — Betty Dodson’s classic Sex for One or Jayme Waxman’s Getting Off — and giving yourself permission to try to start enjoying the nerve endings you have, on your own terms. You can also browse the masturbation archive at our site, which includes articles like, “How to Make Masturbation Feel More Intimate,” and “10 Steps to Orgasming without a Vibrator.”

If deciding not to pursue romantic and sexual relationships doesn’t give you peace, and you still feel like you’re missing out on something, then we’d recommend getting a new therapist who might be able to make new headway with you (perhaps one specializing in post traumatic stress disorder and/or sexual issues), as well as joining a psychotherapy group for rape survivors (if you haven’t already), which according to the New York Times Health Guide, is one of the most effective treatments. While the world is full of horrible people (everyone from criminal monsters who commit unconscionable acts to little selfish assholes who have no qualms about casually breaking hearts), there are good guys out there who are kind, good, and giving — in life, in relationships, and in bed. But again, they’re not necessary for a rich life: some women really do need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

More power to you,
Em & Lo

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Em & Lo’s Sexy Holiday Gift Guide: Big Spender Edition

December 5th, 2014

This is the fifth & final installment of¬†our five-part series on sexy gift giving¬†this holiday season. We started with the¬†affordable gifts around 10 bucks, followed by gifts priced around¬†$20,¬†$50¬†and¬†$100, and now we’re at the $150 and over mark. They’re not all sex toys, so you’re sure to find something for every adult on your shopping list!

 

1.
For the banker:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LELO’S Pino Gift Set

This¬†vibrating couples’ ring, designed to satisfy even the Gordon Gekkos of the world, comes with 10 vibration settings, silver cufflinks and a money clip which reads “Always be closing.”

 

2.
For the music snob:

Bose SoundLink Mini Bluetooth Speaker

Excellent audio performance from the portable, wireless and most compact Bose speaker available — its 7-hour battery life will outlast your Sting-esque tantra sessions.

 

3.
For the tablet addict:

All-New Kindle Fire HDX 8.9″ Tablet

Light large-screen tablet, with HDX display, ultra-fast performance, and front and rear cameras — you know, just a trifle.

 

4.
For the one with a good eye:

Canon EOS Rebel T3 12.2 MP CMOS Digital SLR with 18-55mm IS II Lens and EOS HD Movie Mode

We’re pretty sure that jargon translates into “takes excellent naughty photos.”

 

5.
For the TV junkie:

TiVo Roamio Pro HD Digital Video Recorder and Streaming Media Player (TCD840300)

Replace their user-unfriendly cable-based DVR with something more elegant. Makes cuddle time on the couch that much more enjoyable.

 

6.
For the rock star (wannabe):

Schecter Damien Special Electric Guitar – Crimson Red

You can play out your groupie fantasies.

 

7.
For the uber-fit:

 

Nike+ SportWatch GPS Powered by TomTom

Put accurate time, pace/speed, BPMs, heart rate, calories burned, and distance information right in their hands. Then they’ll be putty in¬†your¬†hands.

 

8.
For the one with the “bad back” (wink wink):

The Smart Wand Body Massager

Give her an upgrade from her beat-up old Hitachi Magic Wand.

 

9.
For the one with cold feet: 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nest Learning Thermostat

They’ll be able to control their home temperature remotely from a smartphone, laptop or tablet so their love nest will be all warm and cozy when they return home — with or without a guest.

 

10.
For the Christian Grey:

Majestic International Men’s Wesley Robe

Wrap your fella in 100% grey silk and let the “Fifty Shades” scenes practically roleplay themselves.

 

11.
For the woman who has everything:

LELO’s Exclusive 24-Karat Gold Plated Pleasure Object, “Olga”

This gold-plated pleasure object comes presented in an elegant wooden gift box, complete with manual, satin pouch for stylish storage and a 1-year LELO warranty. Only $3,490!

 

12.
For the man who has everything:

LELO’s Distinguished Gentleman’s Plug, “Earl”

This male-G-spot massager comes presented in an elegant wooden gift box, accessorized with matching cufflinks (but of course), manual, satin pouch for stylish storage and a 1-year LELO warranty. Only $2,590!

 

 

Now go check out affordable gifts around 10 bucks, the $20 fare, the gifts priced around $50, and the $100 numbers. Happy shopping!

Em & Lo’s Sexy Holiday Gift Guide: $100 Edition

December 5th, 2014

 

This is the fourth installment of¬†our five-part series on sexy gift giving¬†this holiday season. We started with the¬†affordable gifts around 10 bucks, moved onto¬†$20 fare, followed by¬†gifts priced around $50, give or take a ten or two. Now we’re at the $100 mark. (There’s also the $150+ edition.) They’re not all sex toys, so you’re sure to find something for every adult on your shopping list!

 

1.
For the photographer:

 

“Helmut Newton: SUMO”

A 464-page tribute to one of the 20th century’s most influential, intriguing and controversial photographers.

$102

 

2.
For the voracious reader:

Kindle Paperwhite

There’s no screen glare in bright sunlight when you’re reading on the beach with one hand (it’s over 30% lighter than iPad mini). The battery will outlast your week-long vacation and there’s a built-in reading light for late-night climactic endings you can’t put down. Best thing? No one knows you’re reading trashy erotica on a Kindle!

 

3.
For the super-organized:

Fellowes Saturn SL 9.5 Inch Laminator (5213201)

Turn it on and it’s ready for some hot lamination with its 9 1/2-inch entry in just minutes, aw yeah.

$105

 

4.
For the facial hair grower:

Shaving Gift Set with Merkur Safety Razor

Also comes with a chrome-plated bowl, soap dish (with shaving soap), badger hair brush, and stand.

$107

 

5.
For the uninitiated:

LELO’s Alia Personal Massager

A my-first-vibe that’s small, elegant, discreet, beautiful, with a gold accent that’s perfect for this gift-giving season.

 

6.
For the playgirl:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Silk Kimono Robe

Wrap her up in 100% silk.

7.

For the TV junkie:

 

 

 

 

 

Amazon Fire TV

Create a spark by simplifying your lover’s love of TV with this tiny box that connects to their HDTV¬†for access to Netflix, Prime Instant Video, Hulu Plus, YouTube.com, games, music, and more.

 

8.

For the dirty bird:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kholer Moxie Showerhead with Wireless Speaker

Now they’ll be able to stream their sexy Al Green playlists while sudsing you up.

9.
For the style guy:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cashmere V-neck Sweater

Get him soft & snuggly in a cozy cashmere V-neck — 16 colors to choose from!

 

10.
For the smooth operator: 

Belkin WeMo Switch and Motion Sensor

Control your electronics from anywhere with the home automation app for smartphones and tablets — great for turning on the mood lighting before they bring their date home.

 

Now go check out affordable gifts around 10 bucks, the $20 fare, and then gifts priced around $50, give or take a ten or two. Happy shopping!

9 No-Duh Sex Moves Men Should Brush Up On

December 5th, 2014


by Eden Strong for YourTango  |  photo via WeHeartIt

Your sex life might be good but aren’t there always a few things that could make it, well, better? Quick answer: YES. How do I know? Over a glass of wine (or several), I flat out asked my friends if their sex life was everything they wanted it to be. I was surprised to hear their answers weren’t about what their partners were doing, they were about the things that they weren’tdoing.

While they unanimously agreed that their sex was swell, they also all agreed they just wanted a little more of these eight things. Listen up, gents!

1. Whisper in our ears.
When we’re getting our sexy on, we obviously want to¬†feel¬†sexy and when you whisper in our ear how sexy we are, it really gets us going.¬†Tell us why you enjoy being with us and I guarantee we’ll reciprocate your efforts.

2. Tell us why you think we’re beautiful.

Every girl wants to feel beautiful, duh. But it‚Äôs not just enough to tell us that we are beautiful; us emotionally complicated creatures want assurance as to why you believe this to be true. Yes, we¬†love¬†that you think we have a “sexy ass‚ÄĚ and ‚Äúamazing tits,‚ÄĚ but while you’re under those sheets, we’d also like to be reminded of our beautiful smile and our amazing eyes. Every lady wants to be beautiful from head to toe, not just boobs to ass. We want to be the women of your dreams, not just the women of your fantasies.

3. Ask us what we like … and really mean it.

Every¬†single¬†girl I know has been with at least one guy who was going at it while saying things like, ‚ÄúYou like that? Oh yeah baby, you like that!‚ÄĚ Um, if you’re telling us that we like it, chances are you didn’t even bother to ask us. So ask! And when you ask us, we want you to¬†really¬†ask us. Don‚Äôt make the act of asking a rhetorical ego booster that makes you feel like you’re ‚Äúdoing us right.‚ÄĚ Ask if we like what you’re doing because you really want to do us right, not because you’re assuring yourself that you are. Trust us, ladies want to be having just as much fun as you would like to think we are having, but we don’t all like the same things so do yourself a favor and find out what gets us going.

4. More foreplay!

Most men I know can go from 0 to 60 in half a second but it takes women a lot longer. Sure, a quickie is nice every once in a while, but why rush it? We want and¬†need¬†foreplay to get us ready for the grand finale. We know you’re excited but give us a little time to get there as well. Not to mention that not only does foreplay feel hella good, but knowing that you’re focused on making our entire body tingle will make us want to return the favor.

5. We want less control. I mean more. I mean …

This one was a split pole when I questioned my friends. Half wanted their men to take charge and rough it up a bit. “He’s so respectful of me that he’s almost afraid of using any force in the bedroom but what I really want is for him to grab me and take control,”¬†said one of my friends. I’m obviously not suggesting turning up the roughness to full volume ¬†without your woman’s consent but you’d be surprised how many of us enjoy playing a more passive role in the bedroom and want nothing more than for you to run the show. That’s one opinion. The other other half of my friends said they wanted their man to back off a bit and let them take the reins. “I feel like as a woman I have a lot less control in the real world than a man does¬†and there’s nothing hotter than switching that up and being the one in charge in the bedroom,”¬†another friend said. So for this one men, please refer to #3 and find out which side of this opinion your lady leans to.

6. Make sure we both finish.

This seems SO obvious, except apparently it isn’t. If you’re going to cum and then flop down beside us before we finish, we didn’t really need to be there because they make blow-up dolls for that. This sex thing, it takes (at least) two people so make sure both of those people reap the rewards of their participation.

7. Change it up.

We’re women, which means you’ll never completely understand us because we constantly change our minds! One day we want¬†romance¬†and the next, we want something else. So basically, in order for you to give us what we want, you’re going to have to constantly change what you give us. We love rose petals on the bed and candles around the tub because we love romance but we also love the thrill of being whisked away for semi-public sex. Not only will the change-up in sex excite us, but it’ll let us know that you’re interested in keeping things fresh.

8. Bring in reinforcements.

As much as we like your man parts, sometimes they just don’t quite hit the spot for us. In those cases, we want you to grab a few extra batteries and a buzzing little toy to help us get to where we need to be. As frustrating as it might be for you to not be able to finish us off with nothing more than your manhood, it’s even more frustrating for us to be left unsatisfied. Just because we need a little more, doesn’t mean you weren’t enough; it just means you’re man enough todo what it takes to please your lady. Trust us, we applaud you for your efforts.

9. Read our body language.

While we may want it rougher in some areas, there are a few areas – namely the clitoris and the nipples – where we’d ¬†like it gentler. Unfortunately, a lot of you dudes get so caught up in the moment that you fail to decipher our “ooo’s” and “ah’s” from our “ah’s!” and “ouch’s!” As my friends agree, we want you to be in tune with our cues so that you know when to lighten it up a little bit. Good sex starts with good communication, so be a great partner and listen to what our body is telling you, especially if our body is flinching, fidgeting, or jumping. Ouch!

This article originally appeared on YourTango

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Dream Interpretation: I Cut Off My Own Penis

December 4th, 2014


Game of Thrones‘ resident Eunuch, Varys (image via HBO)

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I dreamed that I cut my own penis off, but then I put it back on like nothing ever happened.

Lauri:¬† You’d be surprised how many men tell me some version of the detachable penis dream! So rest assured, you are in good company.

Dismemberment dreams are often connected to some sort of separation in real life. You did the dismembering in the dream, so is there any person or situation in your waking life that you have cut yourself off from?

If not, then the dream may be more about what male genitalia often represents. It’s really more about what we attribute to the male persona than it is about your actual junk, so don’t worry! Male genitalia in a dream is often about one’s ability to be assertive, to man up and take care of business, so to speak. At the time of this dream, was there anything going on where you did not want to utilize this part of yourself? Were you afraid to be “stand up” and be assertive about something? Or were you in a situation where you felt it best to be more sensitive and understanding?

I think it’s a good sign that you were able to put it back on like nothing ever happened. That tells me you either reconnected with someone and let bygones be bygones, or you’ve learned the fine art of balance, of being firm when you need to, and caring when you want. In either case, I think you deserve a pat on the back.

 

Visit Lauri’s site,¬†WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book,¬†Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too.¬†Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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Em & Lo’s Sexy Holiday Gift Guide: $50 Edition

December 4th, 2014

This is the third installment of¬†our five-part series on sexy gift giving¬†this holiday season. We started with the¬†affordable gifts around 10 bucks, moved onto¬†$20 fare, and are now at the gifts priced around $50, give or take a ten or two. Stay tuned for the¬†$100¬†and $150+ editions. They’re not all sex toys, so you’re sure to find something for every adult on your shopping list!

 

1.

For the moisture hoarder:

 

 

 

 

 

Astra Radiance Renewal Intense Moisturizer

Intense? This stuff is like crack for your face. It’ll make their skin smooth like butta.

2.
For the older gay gentleman:

“Tom Bianchi: Fire Island Pines, Polaroids 1975-1983″

Sun, sex, camaraderie and reverie.

 

3.
For the over-taxed:

ELO’s Etherea Silk Cuffs

Have them lie back and relax while you do all the work for a change.

 

4.
For the dancing machine:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Dance 2015

Because even adults (drunk or sober) sometimes just have to dance. Be warned: scoring high on this game of smooth moves could lead to scoring in other ways.

 

5.

For the trendster:

 

 

 

 

 

Crosley Cruiser Portable 3-Speed Turntable

Better get them on the bandwagon before everyone jumps off!

6.
For the rolling stone:

AHAVA Time to Energize Travel Kit for Men

Includes Foam-Free Silk Shave, Exfoliating Cleansing Gel, Soothing After-Shave Moisturizer and Men’s Travel Bag.

 

7.
For the beauty queen:

LORAC PRO Palette

Sixteen ultra-pigmented eye shadows infused with soothing botanicals plus a mini Behind The Scenes Eye Primer for color that lasts — because sometimes the difference between getting a little somefin’ somefin’ is a smokey eye. (Plus, it’s made without sulfates, petrochemicals, phthalates, GMOs, or triclosan!)

 

8.

For the beauty sleeper:

Chezmoi Collection White Goose Down Alternative Comforter

Because why should a cute little goose have to die just because you want to get all snuggly warm with your partner?

 

9.
For the wifey:

Calvin Klein Women’s Essentials Long Sleeve Night Dress

Because her PJ’s are getting a little gnarly.

 

10.
For the water hogger:

LED Color Changing Showerhead

Turn your shower into a disco pick-up scene.

 

11.
For the new mom:

Luna Beads

The best-selling Kegel weight & pleasure bead system on the planet (note: this gift will probably go over best if given by a girlfriend or sister rather than husband!).

 

12.
For the art appreciator:

“George Platt Lynes: The Male Nudes”

Elegant, cinematic nudes in a hardcover that evoke 1940s Hollywood.

 

13.
For the posture-obsessed:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gaiam Balance Ball Chair

Like regular sex, it’s great for your back health.

14.
For the music lover:

HMDX Jam Plus Portable Speaker

Portable and wireless, so you can have a sex playlist going no matter what room you’re christening.

 

15.
For the hopeless romantic:

 

BARSKA Starwatcher 400x70mm Refractor Telescope w/ Tabletop Tripod & Carry Case

What could be more romantic than gazing up at the stars together?

 

Now go check out the rest of our Sexy Holiday Gift Guide!

Em & Lo’s Sexy Holiday Gift Guide: $20 Edition

December 3rd, 2014

This is the second installment of¬†our five-part series on sexy gift giving¬†this holiday season. We started with the¬†affordable gifts around 10 bucks¬†and are now at the gifts priced between $15 and $25. There are also the¬†$50,¬†$100¬†and $150+ editions. These are not all sex toys, so you’re sure to find something for every adult on your shopping list!

 

1.

For the bath addict:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tess & James’ Salty Bath

Give someone special an updated Calgon moment with Tess & James’ aromatherapy salt soak, formulated to release toxins, extract impurities, and soothe skin.


For the audiophile:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Logitech Multimedia Speaker for Smartphone/Tablet/Laptop

This small, portable speaker is perfect for spontaneous boot-knocking that could use some mood music, wherever you are.

2.
For the “Fifty Shades” fan:

Maya Banks’ “Breathless” Trilogy Boxed Set

USA Today¬†said: “For an erotic, BDSM book, this one fits the bill.”

 

3.
For the long-term partner:

SEX: How to Do Everything” by yours truly, Em & Lo

Because sometimes a couple needs some inspiration (with tasteful pictures!).

 

4.
For the macho man:

Art of Manliness Collection

Two books in a cigar box with 6 drink coasters — it’ll make him want to be a better man.

 

5.
For the athlete: 

Philips ActionFit Sports Earhook Headphones

Lightweight and sweat-resistant — sounds perfect for a sex workout. So maybe get two!

 

6.
For the facial-obsessed:

Olay Pro-X Advanced Cleansing System 0.68 Fl Oz, 1-Count

Not¬†that¬†kind of facial! This is for people really into cleaning their skin (whether or not it’s after a defilement is up to them). And 2,000 Amazon reviewers love it.

 

7.
For the facial hair grower:

Van Der Hagen Men’s Luxury Shave Set

Upgrade his shaving routine for less scruff burn during oral.

 

8.
For the ethical facial hair grower:

Parker Safety Razor SYNTHETIC Bristle Shaving Brush with Blue Wood Handle & Free Stand

Because why should a cute little badger have to die just because you want your partner to have baby-bottom skin?

 

9.
For the humble wine lover:

Libbey Vina 12-Piece Stemless Red and White Wine Glasses

They’ll toast to your great gift-giving skills.

 

10.
For the domestic goddess:

DC Comics Wonder Woman Apron

Funny, functional, and also kind of hot.

 

11.
For the domestic god:

DC Comics Superman Apron

We’ll say it again: Funny, functional, and also kind of hot.

 

12.
For the entirely inappropriate:

Cards Against Humanity

13,000 Amazon reviewers give it 5 stars! One of its “selling points” is that “0% of the proceeds will be donated to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.” Whomever you give this to will be the life of the party they bring it to.

 

13.
For the sensualist:

LELO’s Tantra Feather Teaser

Adult tickle time in a fancy box.

 

14.
For the game-night enthusiast:

I Dare You: 30 Sealed Seductions

Sex-writer icon Susie Bright offers up 30 sealed prompts (all in a little gift box) to help make date night more daring.

 

15.
For the foodie:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Casina Rossa Gourmet Sea Salt Gift Pack (6 x 1.1 oz. Jars)

Spice up someone’s life with these flavored artisan salts: “Truffle & Salt”, “Fennel & Salt”, “Saffron & Salt”, “Fiori & Salt”, “Porcini & Salt”, and new “Herb & Salt.”

 

16.
For the beer drinker:

Corkcicle Chillsner Beer Chiller, 2-Pack

Helping them keep their beer cold just might make them hot for you.

 

Be sure to check out the other price brackets in our Sexy Holiday Gift Guide!

Comment of the Week: DTMFA!

December 3rd, 2014

Reader Inness channeled her inner Dan Savage this week (DTMFA — look it up) with a heartfelt response to the post, “Help: My Inability to Orgasm Is Ruining My Relationship.”¬†Now what we want to know is: How can we ensure that our snappy acronyms make it into the Urban Dictionary?

DTMFA. This guy is shaming you and the way your body works. He’s not threatening to break up with you for SELFLESS reasons, and certainly not because you’re broken in any way. He’s making this threat because he’s an insecure asshole. You should tell him that the absolute WORST way to get someone to orgasm is to stress them out about it, then go find someone whose ultimate goal in bed is to have fun with you and to make you both happy, not to make you orgasm the way that makes him feel most like a man. Again, dump the motherfucker already. Or at least give him a very stern talking to.

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How to Determine Whether Your Dating Age Gap Is Embarrassing

December 2nd, 2014

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week, a straight woman asks, “How much younger than them do you think most guys are comfortable dating before it becomes embarrassing? Or is there no limit as long as the youngster in question is legal and not a complete airhead?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): Yes, there is an age too young for anyone to date. But I think it happens only after you hit 35. Any dating combo of two people both under 35 (provided both are over 21…yes, 21, not 18) is probably not a big deal. No one really considers themselves that old before hitting 35.

After 35, all bets are off.¬† If you’re over 35 and you date someone more than 10 years your junior, you will — and rightly so — be mocked (and silently envied) by your friends and enemies for such dating hubris. It will put you squarely in the “oh please” zone. And this goes for both men and women: Dating much younger than yourself connotes a power dynamic that is creepy yet totally gender non-specific.¬† Both sexes look entirely ridiculous parading their toy around, be it male or female. But if you’re over 35, you can date anyone¬† — of any age disparity — who is also over 35.¬† A 65-year-old and 37-year-old?¬† Sure, why not.

This might seem arbitrary, but age designations exist for a reason. The good people of corporate America have decided that once we‚Äôre older than 35, we are no longer a desirable marketing demographic.¬† That‚Äôs real science, people. After 35, big age differences are obviously apparent, but both parties have fully exited the nubile stage so no one really cares. You are no longer hip, cool, or capable of dating someone who had a ‚ÄúThe Voice‚ÄĚ-themed Bar Mitzvah. That‚Äôs not to say you shouldn‚Äôt do it.¬† Hell, if someone of the Gen Next persuasion wants to tap your old bones, consider yourself lucky. Besides, anyone who mocks you, well, your old ears won‚Äôt be able to hear them anyway, so who cares.

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): For guys in their twenties, like me, up to guys in their mid-thirties, I think the lowest we should go is 21. If I cannot legally have a glass of wine or cocktail with a girl, I don’t want to date her. It’s not that I am some sort of alcoholic or can’t have a good time sober, but there’s something sexy and intimate about sitting in a bar that cannot be substituted by Starbucks or Jamba Juice. It also makes me feel like an old man if I am with someone that has to use a fake ID to buy a beer. Besides, if the girl in question is still in school, the conversation will usually leave something to be desired due to her lack of life experiences and responsibilities — it’s hard to listen to tales of college papers when I’ve got bills to pay and employees to manage, you know? There is a lot to be said for being in the same place in life, age-wise at least.

But generally, I think women a good five years younger (so long as they aren’t under 21) work well since women tend to be more mature than us guys. For an older man, say in his forties or fifties, a fifteen year age gap is socially acceptable and generally comfortable. And I think once a woman passes the age of thirty, up to a twenty year difference with an older guy is just fine.

Straight Married Guy (Jim): Come on, give us guys some credit: most of us know there’s a huge difference (emotionally, intellectually, maturity-wise) between someone around our own age and an 18-year-old with AP credit.¬† She’d have to be a Rhodes Scholar studying quantum physics if the difference in their ages was more than about 25% of his. So, what does he teach?

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

Em & Lo’s Sexy Holiday Gift Guide: $10 Edition

December 2nd, 2014

This is the first installment of¬†our five-part series on sexy gift giving. We start here with the affordable gifts ALL AROUND 10 BUCKS, then, over the next few posts, we’ll work our way up with gifts priced around¬†$25,¬†$50,¬†$100¬†and $150+. They’re not all sex toys, so you’re sure to find something for every adult on your shopping list!

 

1.
For the married with children:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Dept. of Speculation” by¬†Jenny Offill

A suspenseful love story that’s romantic and depressing and funny — they’ll read it in one sitting!

2.

For the foodie:

Amco Rub Away Bar

Don’t let them bring their garlic fingers to bed.

 

3.
For the sex toy collector:

LELO Toy Cleaning Spray

Help them keep their toys shiny and new (and 99.9% germ free)!

 

4.
For the tech geek:

Quirky Cordies Desktop Cable Management

There are few things sexier than neatly arranged power cords and charging accessory cables.

 

5.
For the sausage lover: 

“Little Book of Big Penis” (Taschen Pocket Series) edited by¬†Dian Hanson

150 massively endowed models from the 1940s through the 90s. Not that size matters.

 

6.
For the butt man (or woman):

“Little Book of Butts” edited by Dian Hanson

150-plus pics of female badonkadonk.

 

7.
For the facial hair grower:


Proraso Shaving Soap, Eucalyptus & Menthol, 5.2 oz (150 ml), New Formulation

A smooth face — all the better to kiss you with.

 

8.
For the wine aficionado/alchy:

Oster Electric Wine-Bottle Opener

“Drink wine. This is life eternal…” It could also be love eternal after you give this gift. Plus, 2000+ Amazon reviewers can’t be wrong.

 

9.
For the tensed up:

Ignite Me Massage Candles

Burn the candle, blow out the flame, and drizzle.

 

10.
For the “Fifty Shades” fan:

“150 Shades of Play” by yours truly, Em & Lo

We didn’t write this review, we swear!: “Em & Lo are irreverent, smart and funny feminists out to demystify the world of kink. Best of all, I caught up on all the juicy info and how-tos without enduring the pain of reading a single page of the¬†Fifty Shades¬†trilogy! Smartly written in an A-Z dictionary style with the book’s other terms usefully bolded throughout. Also loved the sometimes hilarious illustrations.”

 

11.
For the traveling businessman:

Tenga Egg Masturbation Sleeve

For when you can’t be with the one you love. Peel the outer layer like you would a hard-boiled egg, then crack open the shell to reveal an ‚Äúona-cup‚ÄĚ — each one offers a unique internal texture. Get different strokes from different yolks!

 

12.
For the vegetarian:

“Crazy Sexy Kitchen: 150 Plant-Empowered Recipes to Ignite a Mouthwatering Revolution” by Kris Carr

150 delicious, nutrient-dense recipes designed to nourish the mind, body, and soul.

 

13.
For the child of the ’80s:

“In the Pleasure Groove: Love, Death, and Duran Duran” by¬†John Taylor

The hottest member of one of the best bands from the ’80s tells his tale of rock’n'roll, sin, and redemption — with lots of pics!

 
Be sure to check out the other price brackets in our Sexy Holiday Gift Guide!