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Top 10 Joan Rivers Quotes About Sex

September 5th, 2014

Joan Rivers died yesterday at the age of eighty-one, and we can’t be the only ones to be relieved that she died due to complications following throat surgery — and not, say, while getting another face lift. Because we want to remember her not for her plastic face (she liked to joke that when she died, they’d donate her body to Tupperware) but for the groundbreaking, glass ceiling-smashing comedian that she was. Some people might call her ballsy, but we prefer to say: The woman had labes. She once joked, “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.” Meryl, ya hear that? We really think you should show up.

Without further ado, here are our top ten favorite Joan Rivers quotes about sex and love. (If some of your favorites are missing, it’s because we excluded her most self-deprecating jokes, especially the ones she made later in life, about her own body and her lack of sex appeal.)

1. A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

2. It was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.

3. My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.

4. All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

5. It’s so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up who.

6. Never floss with a stranger.

7. Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones.

8. Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say “My wife makes a delicious cake” to some hooker?

9. My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

10. Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

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Comment of the Week: Give Your Spouse More Credit

September 4th, 2014

photo via Flickr

When a reader asked ”Is Intellectual Inequality a Deal Breaker?“, Henry’s response concisely showed how having a better attitude — i.e. being more generous, looking at things from a more positive perspective — can make all the difference in a relationship: 

I’ve been married 14 years. I’ve always thought my non-college educated woman a bit “simple.” Recently though, she explained some things about the work she does in such an eloquent way that I realized that perhaps I was all along judging her on my experiences and priorities, not hers.

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Top 10 Tips for Finding a Sex Toy That’s Good for Your Body

September 4th, 2014

sponsored post

In honor of today being World Sexual Health Day, our friends at LELO have put together their top ten tips on selecting a sex toy that ensures sexual well-being. Because at least half of what’s out there shouldn’t go anywhere near your private parts! Especially anything labeled “for novelty use only.” Remember, the sex toy industry is still largely unregulated (unlike, say, kid toys or even dog toys) — which means that the onus is on you, dear reader, to find out for yourself what is and isn’t good for your body.

Without further ado, here are the top 10 tips (and they apply to all sex toys, not just those made by LELO!). And don’t forget to follow LELO on Twitter to check out their giveaways all day today! To celebrate this day, they are giving away a set of Luna Beads, a Mona 2 and an Ida. (Scroll down for more details.)

1. Look for certifications, avoid fakes
The pleasure product industry, like every industry, has its fraudsters who copy popular products, produce them cheaply and cut all the corners to make a profit. You can steer clear of these products by checking certification and buying from reputable retailers. Check the box also for the phrase “novelty use only” — it’s basically the same as saying “we are not accountable for the safety of this product.”

2. Never, ever settle for second best
When it comes to issues of intimacy, pleasure and health, you shouldn’t compromise. Don’t buy a cheap pleasure product because it looks like an affordable version of a more trustworthy brand. It’s just not worth the risk.

3. Keep your toys clean
Love your pleasure products and they’ll love you back. Treat them well, and they’ll treat you well. Wash them before using them, store them properly, check the materials for breaks, and use anti-bacterial wipes.

4. Sharing is caring, but…
If you’re sharing toys in the heat of the moment, it’s best to cover them with a condom and replace it each time. It’s just good sense, really.

5. Avoid the jellies!
A little knowledge goes a long way when it comes to using pleasure products. For example, the “jelly rubber” many sex toys have been made of is a material that’s been treated with one of any number of plastic softeners, or “phthalates.” Phthalates are potentially harmful, even carcinogenic. It’s that kind of information that will help you make the right buying decision and keep you safe.

6. Choose silicone…
Silicone is a remarkable material, resistant to bacteria and widely used by the most reputable brands in the pleasure product industry. Smooth, comfortable for use and easy to clean, it’s generally a sign the manufacturer is doing things right. Just avoid the sticky kind of silicone, which can attract dust.

7… and pay attention to glass and metals
While these products are excellent for cleaning, make sure any glass products of high-quality and perfectly smooth, while be sure to avoid any metals that may cause allergic reactions.

8. Read Reviews
Go online and check out what people are saying about the pleasure products you’re interested in. There’s a massive online community of sex toy bloggers and reviewers who can be trusted to give you all the information you could need.

9. Website
Make sure you check out the website of the brand who produces your sex toys. If they haven’t invested in a website, perhaps they won’t invest in safety either.

10. Nose-Testing purely for pleasure
And not to forget the pleasure aspect, if you are browsing for products in your local store, try looking like a professional and raising gently to your nose like a wine connoisseur. If the vibrations are strong enough to make you want to sneeze, it’s likely to bring full satisfaction when used elsewhere.

Interested in winning a sex toy that is seriously good for your body? (Everything made by LELO is, that’s one of the reasons we love them so much!) Follow LELO on Twitter to check out their giveaways all day today! LELO will post three questions about LELO and World Sexual Health Day (one every four hours) on Twitter. The answers can be found either in the list above, or in their World Sexual Health Day blog post. Just Tweet the answer using the competition hashtag #LELOtrivia — and don’t forget to mention @Lelo_Official, too! Winners will be announced tomorrow.

See Who Won the “UnDesign” Awards!

September 3rd, 2014

Here are the winners of LELO’s “UnDesign Award,” which asked designers in three categories to replace connectivity with genuine connection:

1. Fashion & Accessories Winner

Title: “Toque”

Designer: Aline Darc Piculo dos Santos

What: Lingerie with a micro sensor of touch that lights up when someone touches it.

About: “Nowadays, everyone is busy…” READ MORE

 

2. Graphic, Illustration & Painting Winner

Title: “Helios”

Designer: Ana D’Apuzzo

What:  A series of paintings dedicated to the Sun, “celebrating its Energy, Love and Life and its connection with a humans and nature.”

About: “I experienced the bad side of life…” READ MORE

 

3. Technology, Products and Spaces Winner

Title: “The City Lung”

Designer: Floriane Aubrit, Dan Baczynski, Paul Bouisset, Corentin Fabry

What:  A ”living” object that represents the air pollution index of different cities around the world.

About: “The aim of our object is to gather people…” READ MORE

 

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Dear Em & Lo: Am I Being Too Selfish In Bed?

September 3rd, 2014

Dear Em & Lo,

Every time my boyfriend and I “engage,” he turns me on then asks me to give him a BJ. After I do, I’m not as interested anymore. It happens every time. I’m very uncomfortable when I perform a BJ, and it takes away from the pleasure.

I want to know if it’s normal for me to lose interest so quickly, and if I’m being selfish by not wanting to please and not be pleased (he also prefers me to blow him without sex a lot).

Also, why does he ask for head more than sex? Am I doing something wrong sexually, or is it normal?

– Uptown Girl Living in a Downtown World

Dear U.G.L.I.A.D.W.,

We would answer you, except that you’re asking the wrong questions. So, before we can answer your questions, we’re going to rephrase them for you. Here’s what you should have asked:

Q: Is it normal for my boyfriend to ask for a BJ every time we “engage”?

[A: No.]

Q: Is it selfish of him to expect to be pleased without pleasing me?

[A: Hell yes!]

Q: Is it okay if he prefers me to blow him without sex a lot?

[A: If it's not okay with you, then: Hell no!]

Q: Is he doing something wrong sexually?

[A: YES YES YES YES YES!!! He is paying zero attention to your needs and desires and instead treating you like a human suction machine.]

Okay, so maybe one of your questions did need to be asked:

Q: Am I doing something wrong sexually?

[A: Yes you are! Does your boyfriend have any idea that you feel the way you do? Have you told him? Because before you can accuse him of being a terrible listener, you have to start talking. We're sure your body is giving off plenty of negative cues, but guys can be pretty blind to those cues, especially when oral is on the table.]

So: Speak up, girl! Start asking the right questions… of him. And if he still won’t listen, then find yourself a decent Uptown Boy instead.

Kisses,

Em & Lo

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Your Call: Help, My Husband Has ZERO Sex Drive!

September 2nd, 2014


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been married for four months and my husband has no drive. We are both in our 20′s and he refuses me all the time and I am hurt. He bought me a toy but when I use it he calls me disgusting and nasty. Help me! I am drowning in my marriage. It’s his way or the highway.

– Like the Desert Needs the Rain

What should LtDNtR do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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Your Weekly Stars: 09-02-14

September 2nd, 2014

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
May we suggest you channel your need to take control into sexual (rather than emotional) endeavors? Every time you feel the need to give your partner career advice, break out the handcuffs instead — and if you’re tempted to tell your sweetie how to handle their mother, grab the riding crop instead. (With their permission, of course. “Em and Lo said we should” is one way to broach the subject.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sex is like chess. Actually, sex is nothing like chess. If you think sex is like chess then you’ve been playing too much chess. But relationships — now there’s something that requires as much patience, forethought, and stamina as chess. If you want to check your mate, play wisely.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ll surprise a new partner with your witty words and humorous outlook. We’re not suggesting you break out the fake dog doo-doo, rubber snakes, or sneezing powder in bed. Just be sure not to take yourself too seriously, ’cause you’ll need a sense of humor when you make a Whoopie Cushion sound without a Whoopie Cushion the next time you have sex.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Life is like a box of chocolates — you want to sample as many as possible without getting sick or fat. Indulge your desire to sample this week, but beware of biting off more than you can chew. Who knows, you might find your very own Snickers, something that satisfies for a lifetime. Or at least a few months.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Of course, you should never rule out spending time with someone who interests you intellectually. But this week, we think you’re going to find yourself in the fortunate position of not having to answer the following question: Was it love, or was it the Kanye-Kardashian-esque jet plane to Paris for a private eight-course candle-lit dinner at the top of the Eiffel Tower?

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
See that big juicy steak over there? Can you smell the french fries? And, mmm, mmm, mmm, those caramelized onions drizzled over it all are almost too much to bear. So anyway, that steak’s for us, you’re eating leftovers. We bet those leftovers would have tasted pretty good if you hadn’t started to fantasize about our steak, huh?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, go to your local sex shop and pick up something you’ve never tried before — or never would have even thought of trying: high-quality vibrator with multiple extensions, strap-on with studs, gimp-style ball-gag, edible underwear (on second thought, those things taste terrible), anal beads that jingle, etc. Then run home and convince your partner to play along — gently, gently.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that this summer was long and slow and dry for most of you Scorps out there (at least, it has been for those few Scorps who wrote in and tried to blame it on bad horoscoping). But things are about to change! The stars have decided to take it easy on you. Way easy. In fact, the toughest decision you’ll face this week is who most deserves to be dazzled with your charm and sprinkled with your body glitter. Wish we were there — send us a postcard!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If Hollywood were high school (wait, you mean Hollywood isn’t one big high school?), then George Clooney would be prom king and homecoming king and class president and captain of the soccer team, too. And try as you might, you just wouldn’t be able to dislike him, because he’d be so nice to all the geeks, even you. Except you don’t live in Hollywood so you don’t have to be the geek, you get to be George Clooney! Yeah, that’s what we meant to say: If your life were Hollywood, then you’d be the impossible-to-resist George Clooney this week. And you didn’t even have to date Renee Zellweger or star in 1988′s Return of the Killer Tomatoes: The Sequel to be that way.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We’re all made of the same stuff. Atomic particles are passing by and through us all the time, from decades ago. This week, some of the particles that once made up Madonna have found their way to your clump of anatomy. Ride the wave…like a virgin!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Secret affairs will lead to disaster if you don’t control the situation. Shakespeare wasn’t making this shit up, you know.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If ever there were a time to admit to your ultimate fantasy (you know, the one about being a monk in a medieval monastery who gets ravaged by the brethren) as a way to solidify your relationship, then this week is it!

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Why Women Cry After Sex

August 29th, 2014

eye_cryingphoto via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been in a serious, committed relationship with a gorgeous woman for almost a year. We first met as friends and then somehow found ourselves being more than friends after 9 months or so. During that time, we learned much about what makes the other tick. We have found our personalities, including our sexual appetites and interests, to be very compatible. We communicate well and have been very good about helping each other understand one another. Our lives together have been great including the sex (frequent with lots of O’s).

Here’s how she’s stumped me during sex: a couple of times after she has orgasmed strongly during vaginal intercourse, she’s then bursts into tears. As a guy, I’m a bit freaked (did I do something?) but she tells me that it feels chemically triggered. We take the time to settle back into the groove (she doesn’t want to stop) and then continue almost as if nothing has happened. Do you have any idea what could be going on?

–Tears in Heaven

Dear T.i.H.,

Wow, let us count the ways that your life is totally awesome:

  • You fell in love with a good friend. Meaning, you like each other’s company (almost) as much as you like each other’s genitals.
  • Okay, so you’re great friends, but you don’t just like playing Scrabble together; you also have awesome, orgasmic, communicative sex.
  • You really listen to each other.
  • Basically, you’re so freakin’ happy you make Pollyanna seem like a downer.

Oh, and one more:

  • Your girlfriend feels so close to you, and her orgasms feel so intense with you, that sometimes, after she has one, she cries.

Which is totally normal, by the way. The orgasm is a sudden release of this intense hormone build-up in your body — a few blissful seconds (or more) of rhythmic muscle contractions which let all that pent-up sexual energy flow back into the universe, like a whistling teapot from Xanadu. (Aw yeah.)

So it is chemical, in a way — think of it as a very miniaturized, very fleeting version of PMS or post-partum depression. When this happens, some women moan, some sigh, some laugh, some tear up, and many, many women cry. (Apparently some men do, too, by the way.) It’s just the body’s way of putting a period at the end of the sentence. Or rather, in a woman’s case, a semi-colon — lucky ladies get to keep going after an O! Now that’s the kind of run-on sentence we approve of.

Sure, this isn’t always the reason that all women cry after sex. Sometimes women cry because of some issue they’re dealing with — depression, past abuse, negative body image, unhappiness in a relationship, etc. If you suspect that any of these may be the case, that she’s keeping something from you, then you can very gently bring it up outside the bedroom by telling her you care for her very much and just want to make sure she’s alright and is she sure there’s nothing else going on here…? If there is, then maybe she needs some professional help to work through it.

But from everything you say, it doesn’t sound to us like your girlfriend is distressed or traumatized or sad in any way — it’s just her body reacting to all those crazy love chemicals. And if you are really confident that she is telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth about this “chemical trigger,” then the only advice we have for you is to keep doing that thing you do. And always keep a box of Kleenex on your night-stand!

Big girls do cry,

Em & Lo

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