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Why You Should Ditch Tinder and Give Out Your Number Instead

March 17th, 2015

photo via flickr

We’re normally pretty skeptical of the click-baity headlines in Men’s Health magazine. 4 Week Fat Shredder! 12 Scientific Ways to Look Smarter! How Listening to Your Mom Can Make You Fat! But we really loved the recent article by David Amsden, called “Give Her Your Number.” (Amsden is the author of the novel Important Things That Don’t Matter, which we also liked.) The article feels real, and it’s missing all that “negging” bullshit propagated by self-titled “pickup artists.”

Here’s the idea in a nutshell: The author was failing miserably at modern dating techniques like Tinder. Despite this, he had become completely reliant on such technology. This is his first thought upon seeing a beautiful woman walk into the bar:

Straight-up hitting on women seems uncouth to me. Thanks to the ultimate wingman (my smartphone), I prefer a lazier, no-risk way to reach out. I’ll scroll through Tinder, hoping that now that we’ve seen each other, we might also right-swipe to bypass some small talk. Or take a little trip through Instagram to see if she geo-tagged a selfie that I could comment on. (Think that’s weird? Go tweet about it, pal.)

So he decides to go cold turkey from all the seduction technology and adopt an old-school approach instead:

Pulling a pen and notepad out of my back pocket, I jot down my number and head on over.

“Hey, I’m David,” I say as I hand her the slip of paper. “You’re compelling. Call me.”

… I made a pact with myself: Whenever I noticed an attractive woman, I would simply stop and give her my number. Then I’d be standing in front of her and could make another game-time decision: Head for the exit, or see if she wants me to stick around.

To Amsden’s complete and utter surprise, this actually works. Like, really well. Even some women who initially balk at his bold approach often end up texting him a day or two later. In fact, more than half call or text eventually. And here’s why: with Tinder, Match, OKCupid, et al, there’s very little opportunity for face-to-face rejection. You’re not putting yourself out there for potential humiliation. So when someone is bold enough to put themselves in this position — and to do so in a casual, no-pressure way, without any negging — it’s both endearing, and, yes, attractive.

Note that he hands out his number, by the way — he never asks for hers. The ball’s in her court. He’s not collecting digits to make himself feel more manly, he’s simply putting himself out there. It means he’ll be the one sitting there waiting for the phone to ring.

Here’s another reason why it work: It takes a lot of balls (or labes) to do something like this, and as everyone knows, people like balls (or labes). Even if you’re faking this confidence so hard that your asshole actually aches (from all the stress-induced clenching), the person you’re approaching will respond to it.

Remember, though, that those online sites — not to mention skeevy pickup artists — get one thing very right about dating: it’s a numbers game. And we’re not talking about phone numbers. We mean the number of people you approach or scroll past or even go on a first date with. So if you’re going to pull an Amsden, you can’t just do it once. Do it like your sex life depends on it, and maybe you’ll get lucky, too.


Can You Sleep Over If You Just Want to Cuddle on an Early Date?

March 17th, 2015

 photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “What do you guys think of a new date who wants to sleep over but doesn’t want to have sex?”

Straight Single Guy (Max): Personally, I say bravo. The longer you make me work for it, the better everything will be. This applies to both the sex and any possible relationship. Girls, who so often seem only interested in those who aren’t available or interested, should know this. If you really like a guy, make him work for intercourse. Make him get creative. If he can’t take it, then ditch the dude. It shouldn’t be just about “sex right now.” As a great man once said, “The best part of the affair is the walk up the stairs.” Too many times I’ve gone all the way with a girl and then immediately lost interest. This is, believe it or not, frustrating for guys too. Mystery is good. So please, come on over and tease me. Don’t be cold, and please let me try to pleasure you in other ways, but always feel free to say “wait.”

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): I once dated a guy who had recently broken up with someone, and we were ostensibly cool with sleepovers — kissing, with shirts off, but the boxers stayed on. I wanted more; he wasn’t ready; we split after a month. But whatever the gender(s), and assuming one person isn’t sleeping on the couch, there’s so much gray area between snuggling in jammies and fucking — yes, the ever-elusive definition of “sex” — that it’s only fair for you and your “date” to be totally up front with each other about boundaries and expectations before hopping into bed. Let’s face it, though: most guys are going to try to push that boundary sooner or later (usually sooner — I did, and I tend to be too scared of rejection ever to make a move).

However, if by “new date” you mean some theoretical dude you meet at a party some night, do yourself a favor and splurge on a cab home (your own, alone), then worry about who calls whom in the next couple of days.

Read the rest of this entry »

Your Call: My Husband and I Don’t Care That We Don’t Have Much Sex. Should We?

March 16th, 2015

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

My husband and I have been married for ten years. Three kids later, we don’t have sex very often — nothing compared to our pre-married life. But neither of us seems that bothered by it. He doesn’t initiate that often and isn’t asking for more. I’m fine with the occasional sex we do have. I know we both occasionally masturbate, him I’m guessing more (we don’t advertise it to each other). I feel like we have a close, trusting relationship. But I’m always hearing about how sex is such an important part of a relationship. If it isn’t for us, should we be worried? Should I be worried?

– Libidoless in Los Angeles

What should LILA do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.




Your Weekly Horoscopes: March 16th, 2015

March 16th, 2015

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Be as stealthy as Frank Underwood in your pursuit of love (only more ethical): Don’t just ask them straight out and give them a chance to say no. Instead, focus on becoming their friend so they don’t even realize they’re falling for you until it’s too late. And hey, if our cunning plan doesn’t work, at least we saved you from the sting of rejection.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
No couch potato-ing it this week. Get off your bum and shake that ass. Think about sex globally, act locally. The more situations you put yourself in where you could accidentally bump into someone now, the more likely you are to bump uglies later.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Discretion is the better part of valor. We never quite understood the meaning of that old adage, but we’re guessing it has something to do with keeping your mouth shut. The gentlemen or lady understands that there are sometimes occasions when omission of the cold, harsh truth is apropos. (Such as, “Wow, that story you just told me about how you’re insecure about your oral sex abilities reminds me of this amazing head I once received from a hot eighteen year old who had never done it before!”) Don’t think of it as “lying”; think of it as “listening.”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you want to play games this week, stick to Scrabble and Clue. Mind games won’t get you laid — honesty and persistence will. And maybe Twister.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your romantic interests this week are like a box of chocolate-covered donuts. They’re so tempting, so decadent, so sinful, so scrumptious. Their sweet smell lures you in. You touch them ever so gently — oooh, so soft. Bring them to your lips — they practically melt in your mouth. But after eating them up, you feel guilty, dirty, unclean even. They sit in a heavy, rotting lump in the pit of your stomach. So go easy on the donuts this week, don’t bite off more than you can chew, and limit your intake to one every few days. Dunkin Donuts coffee is, however, acceptable (screw Starbucks, that DD stuff is good, man).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Everyone wants to be on your team this week. And even better than that, they all love you for you, just the way you are. Well, at the very least they all want to get into your pants rather than your pocketbook. Which is always nice, right? Don’t worry about your reputation if you feel like engaging in a little groupie sex — the ones you do pick will be so blissed out, they won’t even remember their own name, and the ones you don’t pick will be too busy mending their broken hearts to call you “slut. ” But what the heck, we’ll say it: Slut! And that’s a compliment where we come from.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your timing’s all off. Or maybe it’s the person you’re kind of sweet on whose schedule is all out of whack. Well, someone’s got the timing of a joke told by Bob Saget on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Just be patient and understanding when the forces that be keep you two from making America’s dirtiest home videos this week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, it’s like you’ve got a flashing red neon sign around your neck that reads “I love you” or at least “I’ll fuck you” — whichever is more of a sexual turn-on to those jamming on your groove. Brace yourself for the action that’s coming your way, cause it won’t all be good: Imagine a defensive lineman from the Chicago Bears in full gear running your way at full speed with a bouquet of roses. It’s okay with us if you choose to run.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Did you know that sometimes the two of us test out new vibrators on each other when we don’t have our guys around to product-test with? Did you also know that there are little fairies living in our refrigerators who sprinkle star dust on our tofu and that’s how we get all our horoscope information? . . . Don’t be such a sucker, especially this week, because someone you like is going to try to make an ass out of you. Why do you even like them? They sound like a jerk.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Attend a charity event, volunteer in your community, go to a political rally, tell a stranger they’ve got TP stuck to their shoe — do anything you consider socially valuable. You’re supposed to fall in love with someone while you save the world. If you don’t get love, at least you’ll have given some. And you can pretend that’s all that really matters.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You can’t hide this feeling anymore. You’ve forgotten what you started fighting for. All you know is, spring is here and you want to get l-a-i-d. Don’t hide your burning flames of lust under a jar (how does that metaphor go again?) — your uncorkable horniness will be exactly what attracts the hotties this week.


What to Do When You Say “I Love You” Too Soon

March 13th, 2015

Hi Em & Lo,

I just started dating this guy and recently we were making out, it was going well, he started to go down on me. I wanted to tell him “I love it when you go down on me” but it came out as ” I love you..when you do that.” He paused for a second and just continued. I felt like such a dork!  The thing is, I know I don’t love this guy. We’re a new thing and I like him, but not that way. What do you when you get yourself tangled up in situations like this?

– Mortified

Dear Morty,

You dig a hole in the sand and bury your head in it for a few weeks until the humiliation wears off. At least, that’s what you wish you could do when you get yourself tangled up in a situation like this. Here are four real-world options for people in these circumstances (though, sadly, since the moment has no passed, they won’t all apply to you):

  1. In the moment: You could laugh it off right then and there. Joke that you swear that wasn’t a Freudian slip, just an innocent slip of the tongue. “Oh my god, total slip of the tongue! Nothing to worry about, carry on, carry on.” Pros: You allay any of his fears right then and there, so they don’t snowball into bad sex or a premature breakup. Cons: You interrupt the sexual moment, which might throw some people (or their penises) for a loop, and risk protesting too much, turning an already awkward situation into a painful one (painful like the answering machine scene in Swingers).
  2. Immediately after the sex: As you’re both lying there, catching your breath, or putting your clothes back on, you lightheartedly say, “Remember what I said when you were going down on me? Yeah, that was just a genuine slip of the tongue — I meant to say ‘I love it when you go down on me’ — so you don’t have to worry about me wanting you to meet my parents or move in anytime soon.” Pros: It doesn’t interrupt the sex, and you nip any concerns in the bud pretty quickly. Cons: Again, you run the risk of sounding defensive, as well as insincere, like you got caught up in the moment and spoke your heart’s true feelings but now that the emotion and hormones of sex aren’t as intense, your brain is trying to rewrite history.
  3. Several dates later: You randomly bring it up when you’re in a non-sexual situation, laughing about how funny and awkward that slip of the tongue was: “Oh man, do you remember on one of our first dates, when I was trying to say ‘I love it when you do that’ and it came out ‘I love you when you do that’? Yeah, that was pretty funny. So glad you didn’t take that to heart.” Pros: Getting some distance from the event allows you to reminisce about it as if you both realized in the moment that it was an awkward slip of the tongue. In this case, you almost can rewrite history. Cons: He may have forgotten it by now, so reminding him just makes things awkward all over again. Or maybe what you said really warmed him up to you and now you’re almost insulting him by telling him you don’t love him and suggesting you never will.
  4. Now to eternity: Just don’t bring it up ever. Let him think that he misheard you and let sleeping dogs lie. And from now on, choose your words more wisely. Pros: You don’t really have to do anything. Cons: He may continue to think that you’re in love with him.

Any of these options could work, so long as they’re employed with a good sense of humor and an air of lightheartedness. Act like it’s not that big of a deal, and it won’t be.

We’re the best…Uh, we mean, we wish you the best,
Em & Lo


Dream Interpretation: My Boyfriend Impregnates Someone Else

March 12th, 2015

photo by flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I dreamt a woman that I didn’t know told me my boyfriend was cheating on me and that he was very excited because the girl was pregnant. Then the woman who my boyfriend cheated on me with appeared and said she was happy to meet me. I thought she was very unattractive but nice and that made me angry. She introduced herself as his girlfriend, she thought we had broken up. When I said he is my boyfriend, we live together and have 2 children she looked surprised and said she lives with him also in his room. The scene then changed and I was confronting my boyfriend in our car. He admitted that the woman was pregnant by him and at that moment Arnold Schwarzenegger drove by with a crazy look on his face (I did not see anything featuring him prior to falling asleep). Then I woke up…I’m so confused!!! What does it mean!?

Lauri:  Cheating dreams run rampant through our minds at night yet they are rarely connected to an actual affair. These dreams are so common because there is typically something our mate is involved in that he or she gives an awful lot of time and attention to, causing us to feel “cheated” out of the time and attention we want. In my research I have found that it is usually work that becomes the third wheel in the relationship. But it could be anything that you feel preoccupies him.

In your cheating dream, your boyfriend has impregnated his mistress. This indicates that in real life, whatever this thing is that your boyfriend is focused on, is now beginning to grow. The other woman also tells you that she lives with him, in his room. Besides you, what would you say your boyfriend “lives with?” Is he “living with” remorse or depression? Anything like that? Or is he so focused on some project that you feel he is practically married to it?

Whatever it is, I believe Arnold Schwarzenegger represents your desire to “Terminate” the issue.

Response from Dreamer: Lauri you are amazing! Everything you said makes perfect sense!! He has been preoccupied with work but spending a lot of his free time with his friends…one friend in particular who I have actually argued with my boyfriend over telling him he spends more time with the guy than me as if it’s his boyfriend! They hang out in the “man cave” in our house which I think is the “I live in his room” part of my dream. I absolutely love the Arnold Schwarzenegger meaning I want to terminate it part…very fitting!


Visit Lauri’s site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams each morning, check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert. You can see all of Lauri’s books here. And hey, if you want your very own pin-up painting of you or your luvva, Lauri can do that, too! 




Word of the Week: Cinemadultery

March 12th, 2015

photo via flickr

These days, most of us watch TV on our own schedule, rather than sitting down in front of the box when the networks tell us to. In fact, plenty of people never even sit in front of a television set to watch their favorite shows! And plenty of us wait until an entire season (or more) of a show is available on Netflix or iTunes before choosing to watch it. But this new world order has ushered in the problem of cinemadultery.

You may not have heard of the term, but unless you’ve been single since the advent of Netflix et al, we’re fairly sure you’ve suffered the syndrome: It’s when your significant other watches an episode of a television without you — a show that you were supposedly watching together. For example, one of you is working late, or is out on a ladies’ or guys’ night, and the other one, home alone, sneaks in an extra episode of “The Good Wife.”Low blow, right?

And because we live in such a high tech world, it’s not always even possible to lie about this cinemadultery. Em once discovered her guy’s cinemadultery when she logged into their Netflix account and saw the cursor shifted down three episodes in the “House of Cards” section. (“House of Cards” is particularly vulnerable to cinemadultery, as an entire season is released at once.) He responded that “it meant nothing” and “it’s not you, it’s me” (he was bored) and, finally, “I didn’t know you cared!”

In the interest of protecting your relationship from cinemadultery, we suggest communicating clearly about the shows you watch together. Perhaps some shows are reserved for couple viewing time only (especially those with steamy sex scenes and hair-raising plot twists), while others can be consumed on an individual basis (foreign shows with sub-titles, for example).

Unless, of course, you feel like cinemadultery serves a purpose in your relationship. Perhaps it’s an outlet for partner-related frustration. And perhaps it’s a substitute for actual cheating — the kind that involves stealth late-night texting and handjobs in semi-public places.

In which case, let your asshole flag fly! Go ahead and watch that entire season of “Game of Thrones” on your own. Make a bag of popcorn and eat the entire bag yourself. And when your partner comes home and finds you passed out on the couch, remote in hand and your face smeared with butter? Don’t even think of apologizing.


A Professional Escort’s 10 Rules for a Threeway That Won’t Backfire

March 12th, 2015

by Miss Jolene Dubois for YourTango

I’m a professional prostitute. Personally, I’ve had at least 15 to 20 threesomes with different couples as well as my own boyfriends, plus one drunken gang-bang.

In short, I’m quite experienced with the more popular version of threesomes (two girls, one guy), which gives me ample expertise on sharing with you, the reader, the 10 major rules you MUST abide by if you’re going to have a successful threesome:

1. If your partner is pressuring you (either aggressively or passive-aggressively) to have a threesome, don’t feel obligated out of fear they’ll leave you.

To draw a comparison, it’s unlikely I’ll ever be able to have anal sex with a partner; I’ve tried several times and was practically doubled over in pain. If your unwillingness to try a threesome (or anal or whatever) is a deal-breaker, they don’t deserve you and should be kicked to the curb anyway for disrespecting your boundaries.

2. Agree on boundaries beforehand. 

Is the other woman allowed to give him oral? If so, is she obligated to use a condom or dental dam? Is he allowed to penetrate her? How much lesbo action is the man looking for? There’s a spectrum from just kissing and rubbing to girl-on-girl oral and double-ended dildos. If you’re the third person, be sure to establish boundaries before starting (I usually consult the woman).

3. Set realistic expecations. 

Just how much are you two comfortable doing with this other person? Is one of you getting the short end of the stick? Is your partner expecting too much out of it because they’re getting carried away with the fantasy? If it’s your first time, acknowledge that cold feet could occur (a glass of wine might help break the ice).

Usually, the couples I’ve seen discuss ahead of time whether it’s going to be “all about him” (let’s say as a birthday present) or “all about her” (she’s bi and he wants to let her play with that side of herself without cheating). Of course, it’s not always about one person or the other, either, in which case both people get something equal out of the experience.

4. Consider the emotional and physical ramifications.

Threesomes are a great way to spice it up and enjoy sexual acts with someone outside your partnership without cheating. However, what if one or both of you gets jealous? What if one of you ends up seeing the third person again but alone and in secret? This happens all the time. (Trust me, I know.) And it’s usually the man who gets a bit addicted and wants to do 1-on-1s on the side.

5. Make sure the third person has some idea of the tone because they aren’t as familiar with your sexual preferences.

Are you going for soft and sensual? Rough and tumble? Amateur porn crazy? The other person deserves to know, especially if you want to play rough, role-play or have a dominant/submissive tone of degradation.

When a couple I saw as clients were talking dirty to each other, they’d say, “You like watching me f*ck this whore?” It hurt my feelings to the point I almost hit the time-out button, but I let it go, assuming it was heat of the moment dirty talk meant more to turn themselves on rather than degrade me.

(Plus, I am a whore! I just command respect and won’t see — or re-see — clients if they are genuinely disrespectful.)

6. If you suspect your partner is secretly bi or gay, this could be a good litmus test.

Just think about how you will handle it if this truth comes out.

7. If you are the man, make DAMN sure you attend to your woman during the threesome.

Don’t over-emphasize and overly-focus on the other person. Always remind your lady via eye contact, verbal validations and physical actions that she’s your #1 and this isn’t going to threaten your relationship.

If she’s comfortable and turned on enough to watch you bang someone else or focus on the third person more, you will likely know this going in; if not, assume she’s your primary focus. Same goes for gender reversal.

8. Have a dignified and realistic parting of ways.

Don’t do the fake “let’s do this again!” bad first date cop-out. Try and end on a high note, but also be fair and realistic to each another in a way that all parties feel respected.

If the chemistry is good, definitely entertain the thought of doing it again, and if the chemistry is off (or you want to uphold your boundary as a couple not looking for someone getting clingy), it might be best to make clear it was a one time only episode.

9. Don’t get too addicted and carried away once you’ve popped your threesome cherry for the first time as a couple. 

Discuss as a couple how often you want to have threesomes and whether you want the same person to join or whether you want to mix it up. Establish rules about whether each of you are allowed to see the third party on your own and, if so, whether the boundary is a friendly coffee (fully clothed) or some sexual activity within agreed upon boundaries.

10. Practice safe sex.

This should be a no-brainer, but even if the third in your threesome is a trusted friend, either use condoms and other protection or agree to get rapid testing prior to the encounter to rule out all STDs. Never assume someone’s clean. Many people selfishly claim to be STD-free to avoid condom use and other precautions that can diminish the pleasure level.

More from YourTango:

Is It Wrong NOT To Tell My Boyfriend That I’m A Prostitute?

10 Harsh Truths Your Husband’s Prostitute Wants You To Know

How Does An Affair Start?

The 15 Best Sexiest Movies on Netflix Right Now

March 11th, 2015

We’ve scanned Netflix for the best sex-related movies so you don’t have to. Are they all “sexy,” in the traditional sense of the word? No. In fact, you might consider some the opposite of sexy. But most of them deal with issues related to mating and relating with ingenuity, style and/or intelligence. We’ve ranked them in order of Rotten Tomatoes freshness ratings from lowest to highest: all are “fresh” (the majority of critics — over 60% — gave the film positive reviews) and half are “certified fresh” (75% or higher, with 40 reviews counted and at least 5 reviews from top critics).

15. Bitter Moon (63%)

If you can get past the fact that it’s directed by statutory rapist Roman Polanski, Bitter Moon is a wonderfully campy dark-comedy about erotic obsession gone really, really wrong. Like oinking-in-a-pig-mask wrong.

14. Sex and Lucia (71%)

This is sexy — there is a lot of “strong sexual content” — but it is also super sad. Tragedy plus eroticism does NOT equal comedy.

13. Young and Beautiful (73%)

Sounds like a terrible soap opera, but this French film by the director of Swimming Pooland 8 Women centers on a teenager with a secret life as a blasĂ© sex worker. (Actually, maybe it could be a soap opera…) Let’s just hope mom doesn’t find out!

12. The Piano Teacher (73%)

Basically, this is the opposite of the BDSM relationship in “Fifty Shades of Grey”: older woman, younger man; zero romance (and we mean it, unlike Christian Grey); and a seriously unhealthy approach to masochism. Makes “Fifty” look like a feel-good romantic comedy.

11. Nymphomaniac (Vol I 75%; Vol II 60%)

We’re almost morally opposed to including anything by Lars Von Trier on this list, just because his films are so painful to watch. But come on, this is an epic two-parter (over 4 hours long) about a sex addict. Do we have a choice?

10. Frida (76%)

This biopic of the Mexican surrealist painter Frida Kahlo chronicles her complicated marriage to muralist Diego Rivera, which involved lots of lovers on both sides (including one shared mistress), as well as Kahlo’s affair with the Marxist revolutionary, Leon Trotsky.

9. Fatal Attraction (78%)

The classic that spawned the term “bunny boiler” wasn’t just a cautionary tale (be careful what you wish for, don’t take for granted all you have…) — it could also be seen as a feminist treatise on the dangers of ignoring women and their feelings.

8. I Am Love (80%)

Italian vistas + food porn + an affair + Tilda Swinton = intense, dramatic sensuality.

7. Don Jon (81%)

Funny and stylish take on the the deleterious effects the modern meathead’s porn habits have on his romantic relationships.

6. Submarine (86%)

Adorable, stylish and touching coming-of-age British film about a 15-year-old trying to save his parents’ marriage and lose his virginity.

5. The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (90%)

Peter Greenaway, famous for combining beauty and horror in his art house works, carried on the tradition in this shocking film from 1989 which featured Hellen Mirren’s always-stellar acting, Jean-Paul Gaultier’s over-the-top costumes, and Michael Nyman’s creepy music. You won’t be hungry for a while after this one.

4. Like Water for Chocolate (90%)

Based on the best-selling book of the same name, the film tells the tale of star-crossed Mexican lovers with lots of foodie sensuality and magical realism. According to RT, it’s one of the highest grossing foreign films of all time. You will be hungry after this one.

3. Blue Is the Warmest Color (91%)

A French teenager explores her Sapphic sexuality with a blue-haired art student. Rated NC-17 for explicit scenes. Strap in, ’cause it’s over three hours long.

2. Y Tu Mama También (92%)

A coming of age story about two Mexican teenage buddies on a road trip with a 28-year-old married woman. It’s got all the fantasies: older woman, younger men, casual sex, threeways, homoerotic experimentation… Directed by Alfonso CuarĂłn, who would later make Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004),  Children of Men (2006) and Gravity (2013), for which he won an Academy Award.

1. Gloria (99%)

It doesn’t get much better than 99 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. This Chilean film follows a divorced, middle-aged woman looking for love in singles’ dance clubs. She finds it…but it ain’t perfect.