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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Prince Farming’s Season Premiere)

January 6th, 2015


photo via ABC’s The Bachelor

It’s been a long, grueling wait, but last night we finally got our fix with the live season premiere of ABC’s “The Bachelor”! This season features “Prince Farming” and Bachelorette runner-up, Chris Soules — a guy who’s so deep in the Iowa boondocks, the closest Starbucks is over an hour away! Absolutely bone-chilling. But somehow, the producers were able to find not 20, not 25, but 30 brave women willing to marry him and move there, basically sight (and site) unseen. Let the dating mistakes begin, be made, and be learned from!:

  1. Never admit in public, let alone to your date, that as an adult you shamelessly live with your mother, don’t know how to cook for yourself, and are effing crazy. In fact, forget about admitting such things, don’t DO such things in the first place if you want to be even remotely dateable. (Ahem, Amanda.)
  2. Baby Voice + Vocal Fry = an incredibly short shelf life for any potential relationship. Even if this is how you talk naturally (and we are NOT convinced that this sound occurs spontaneously in nature), you must take measures to correct this unholy mutation: vocal coaching, vocal chord surgery, testosterone treatments, etc. (You know who you are.)
  3. Using gimmicks on a first date to make yourself memorable often seems desperate and pathetic, rather than creative and quirky. Don’t try so hard to separate yourself from the pack, just be your sincere, genuine self. If a situation naturally arises for you to demonstrate your singing ability, your breakdancing skills, or your cadaver tissue excavation, great! But don’t force it. Quick rule of thumb: if you require props for first dates, you’re doing it wrong. Exception to the rule: small, heartfelt tokens may — we said, may — endear your date to you, but the bigger the prop or the more performative it makes you, the worse off you’re going to be perceived by said date (and the rest of the nation, if they happen to be watching).
  4. We’ve said it a thousand times before, we’ll say it again: Alcoholically speaking, pace yourself on a date! A drink or two — or even three when the date lasts until the freakin’ sun comes up — is fine to calm your nerves, slightly loosen inhibitions and give yourself a little liquid confidence. But please don’t get sloshed on your dates. It’s not safe: you could get sexually assaulted, you could fall from a high height, you could embarrass yourself on national television, you could suffer the wrath of 29 judgy women all vying for the attention of the man you’re dating who will happily and publicly flatten your character with a steamroller!
  5. The limit on dirty jokes you can tell on a first date is ONE. Even then, we highly recommend testing the waters first before you drop the bomb, i.e. don’t let it be the very¬†first thing out of your potty mouth. We’re all for a good crotch joke, but knowing when, where and how often is key. As with alcohol and first-date tongue, moderation rules.

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How to Organize Your Ex Out of Your Life

January 6th, 2015


The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo

The two of us basically share a brain when it comes to this blog, and we are one hundred percent united on all the important issues in life, love, and dating: safe sex, orgasms for everyone, the superiority of flat-front pants, etc. But every now and then we have to resort to the first-person singular for a post — not necessarily because we disagree, but because one of us has a particular interest that the other just doesn’t quite get. Which is why today’s installment, about the joy of tidying up, comes from Em. Lo can certainly appreciate a tidy, well-organized house, but for her, there’s no joy in this process. Em, on the other hand…

For people like me — i.e. people who relish the idea of spending an entire weekend organizing their house — the arrival of Marie Kondo’s new book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, was kind of like hearing about a brand new religion… one that promises eternal life and free ice cream. The book, which is a massive bestseller in Kondo’s native Japan (where she’s a bona fide celebrity) as well as throughout Europe, and is fast becoming one in the U.S., takes an approach to home organization that is both drastic and zen. Also, kind of quirky. (How often have you thanked your socks for the hard work they do?!)

The basic gist of the KonMari Method is this: If you try to organize everything you currently own, you will fail, time and time again. Instead, you have to purge and then organize. And when purging, you should get rid of any object in your house that fails to “spark joy.” Oh yeah, and you’re supposed to thank these objects for the service they provided you before finding them a new home, too! (The Salvation Army, a friend, the trash, whatever.) The moment I heard about this philosophy, I knew I had my resolution for 2015: Purge my house of all items that fail to bring me joy. ¬†All sweaters that itch, all spoons that are both too big and too small, all paperwork, all superfluous kitchen equipment.

This is probably too drastic for most people, but while contemplating my year of purging ahead (with, yes, glee), it occurred to me that Kondo’s approach would be an excellent way to move on from an ex. She has an evangelical fervor when she talks about the benefits of the KonMari Method. Her clients, she claims, experience life-changing benefits from a de-cluttered, well-organized house: They start businesses, they divorce neglectful spouses, they lose weight, they reconnect with partners, they get promotions. As Kondo writes, “When you put your house in order, you put your affairs and your past in order, too. As a result, you can see quite clearly what you need in life and what you don’t, and what you should and shouldn’t do. …¬†Not only will you never be messy again, but you’ll also get a new start on life.” Which sounds like an excellent post-breakup remedy to me.

So if you’re stuck in a post-breakup rut and finding yourself unable to move on, start with¬†The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Go through your clothes, your books, your makeup, your apocalyptic stock of Q-tips, your photographs, your tchotchkes, your office supplies, your kitchen equipment. “Joy” may be a strong emotion to apply to these objects when you’re in a depressive funk, so here’s a better way of thinking about it in your state of mind: Discard anything that makes you feel even worse. Especially anything that reminds you of your ex. And for those items that remind you of your ex, go ahead and get quirky, Kondo-style: Thank these objects for how they served you during your relationship, and then let them go. Optional soundtrack: Idina Menzel belting out “Let It Go.” (According to this Times writer, Lucinda Williams or George Jones may also work.) Hint: Kondo says you can’t simply assess objects as a group, i.e. “All my clothes/books/tools bring me joy.” No, you have to assess each item individually. This slow, methodical process will be therapeutic in and of itself, you’ll find.

Once you have reduced the contents of your home to only those objects that don’t depress you further, organize the shit out of them. Learn to fold a shirt using the KonMari method. Don’t stack anything in drawers: Every item in a drawer should be visible when you open it. Hang clothes by color. Don’t force books onto a shelf, damaging their spines; purge until there is open space on your shelves. This way, you are open to new acquisitions that will bring you joy.

And yes, that’s a metaphor for your love life.

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And the Winner of Our #LoveResolution Contest Is…

January 5th, 2015


The LELO Ina

@AkashaZarafshan! Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a brand new INA WAVE from LELO!  The ultimate rabbit vibe for pleasure connoisseurs (with 10 vibration patterns & adjustable speeds) is now yours, thanks to your enthusiastic public display of resolving to love better in 2015!

It was a very close race between¬†@AkashaZarafshan¬†and¬†@DavidWindmuller. And since we want everyone to make out in the end, like David said, we’ll be sending him a copy of our latest book, “150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink,” now available in ridiculously affordable e-book form!

Below are all the entries:

 

 

 

 

Akasha Zarafshan @AkashaZarafshan

  • Make love, not war
  • Enjoy some “me time” more often
  • Live every day like it might be the last
  • Enjoy life to the fullest, also between the sheets
  • Do the rub-a-dubbin’ more often
  • Do some actual humping on “hump day”
  • Study the art of body language
  • Study the art of tantric sex, because sometimes “less is more” does NOT apply
  • Stop postponing everything
  • Under the motto “the more the merrier,” have a threesome
  • Work hard, play hard
  • Not use chocolate as a substitute for sex
  • Be the best person I can be
  • See failure as a lesson learnt
  • Never give up
  • Visit my family and loved ones more often
  • Be more awesome than last year
  • I’m gonna lose weight and e.x.e.r.c.i…IS THAT CAKE?
  • Be more optimistic and less sarcastic. Like I won’t screw that up right away…
  • Be more selective in making bad decisions
  • Stop drinking* ¬† ¬† ¬†*(when I pass out or all the booze is gone)
  • Turn over a new leaf, but I will probably end up smoking it
  • Stop waiting for change to simply happen to me, only I can make it happen
  • Don’t spend too much time wearing pants

David Windmuller @DavidWindmuller

  • Hit her G-spot with my tongue
  • Eat more fiber
  • Finally¬†shear off my comb-over
  • Ask how her day was
  • Stop being jealous of my girlfriend’s undulating, vibrating, bulbous LELO
  • Accept the fact that girls poop
  • Clean the toilets and do the wash before she gets home
  • When I come up 4 air from burying my face in her bum, stop repeating the lame joke, “Everyone makes out in the end”
  • Instead of trying to “fix” everything, sometimes just listen and give a big hug – it really helps
  • Stop feeling guilty about my spa days and date nights; they make me a better mommy and wife.
  • Allow him to hit the town with his smokin’ hot female friend; she was here long before I was.
  • Tolerate his orgasm farts
  • Whisper more sweet nothings and dirty, horny things in her ear


Insatiably Taken¬†‚ÄŹ@InsatiablyTaken

  • To sext more often
 

 

 

 

C ‚ÄŹ@PretendYouCare

  • I resolve to try to develop a more sex-positive outlook
  • I resolve to stop waiting on an external force to change what can I myself
  • I resolve to search for, understand, and redefine love outside of misleading mainstream portrayals

 

Dave Wolgast¬†‚ÄŹ@DaveRef¬†

  • I resolve to be more present in 2015

 

For those of you who didn’t win/enter, you can still get yourself or someone you love a beautiful new¬†INA WAVE¬†to start off¬†2015 with a bang!

 

 

Astrological New Year’s Resolutions

January 5th, 2015

grandcentral_ceiling_421via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, in honor of the new year, your sexy ‘scopes are in resolution form:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are wise to question your motives this week when it comes to love. Self-deception is likely. Whoever you are interested in will probably give you a false impression. Love triangles may cause problemos. Your New Year’s resolution: Give up geometry. You were never good at math.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The stars say that you’ll find your groove this week. Your New Year’s resolution: Make sure you’ve got a fabulous post-holiday party to attend and aren’t wasting all that grooviness on dancing with yourself. Oh, oh, oh, oh, dancing with yourself.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars can be so high and mighty ‚ÄĒ but that’s because they’re so far away. They see the big picture, they see what’s important. Unlike you, who can only see the total hottie in front of (or sitting on) your face. But be warned, falling for someone just for their looks will only end up biting you in the butt (regardless of whether your hottie is into heiney hickeys). Your New Year’s resolution: Be deeper than a kiddie pool.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Oh, this really cracks us up. The stars have a teeny-tiny recommendation for you this week: “Look for that person who will challenge your thoughts, change your world and blow your mind.” Yeah, like it’s really that easy. No big deal, right? Geez, and all this time we’ve been chasing dullards with no sex appeal. How come no one told us we should chase the catch of the day? Well, Cancer, before you get all cocky like us, stop and think for a second: When was the last time you really went after someone you wanted bad, someone you thought you couldn’t get? Are you settling to avoid rejection? Do we sound like your shrink yet? Have you called your mother lately? Your New Year’s resolution: Shoot for the moon and maybe you’ll end up shagging a little star. And call your mother.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
To paraphrase a line from one of Lo’s favorite movies, The Four Seasons: “Your thoughts are like gumballs that just drop down from your brain onto your tongue.” To put it less delicately, you’ve got diarrhea of the mouth when it comes your romantic emotions. Your New Year’s resolution: Remove feet from your diet completely. However, you can put a sock in it. Socks are okay.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When we look at your week, Virgo, one phrase comes to mind: “Charming the pants off.” Turns out Santa didn’t put out this year ‚ÄĒ but you can make up for that in the new year. Your New Year’s resolution: Let it all flow ‚ÄĒ the booze, the compliments, the sweet talking. Just let it flow. And carry condoms everywhere.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be very popular this week ‚ÄĒ we’re talking Taylor Swift popular, the new iPhone popular, even “Frozen” popular. You just have to get out and mingle. That means going to every post-holiday party you’re invited to, as well as the ones you wish you were invited to. Your New Year’s resolution: Party like it’s 1999!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
When someone asks you “Are you single?” don’t say “Yes, I’m alone.” That’s having a bad attitude. Listening to the song “One Is the Loneliest Number” on repeat when you don’t have a companion for the new year isn’t helping either. You’re not alone, you’re number one! Your New Year’s resolution: When you meet a hottie, focus on flirting, not gut-spilling. Save the woe-is-me for the second date.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your daisy-petal-picking technique for making important romantic decisions is getting old fast. Your wishy-washy behavior will turn the person you’ve been hanging out with running in the other direction. Your New Year’s resolution: Grow a spine.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’ll have more energy than a brand new puppy waiting for his walk. And you know how some people are dog people and others would rather piss on a fire hydrant in public than show a canine a little love? Well, the same goes for you: Your crotch-sniffing, drippy tongue act will be a little much for all the wrong people. But there’s one special person out there who’s going to just love it, and it’s gonna be just like that spaghetti scene in The Lady and the Tramp. Ain’t puppy love grand? Your New Year’s resolution: If you sense a kindred spirit in the room, go straight for the crotch. And stay off the furniture.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Remember that old Bryan Adams video? (No, not Ryan Adams, Bryan with “B” ‚ÄĒ yes, we’re that old.) Anyway, we’re talking about the video with the hottest pock-face in music standing at the bottom of an indoor pool, sans water. “Cuts Like a Knife,” that’s it. The video had this woman change into her bathing suit, climb the ladder to the diving board, and then jump off into the concrete pool. Next we see her climb out of the pool, miraculously unscathed and soaking wet. Like magic. Still with us? Okay, you are the woman in the video. But you don’t have magical powers. So the next time you jump head first into the pool of love before checking whether or not there’s any water in it, you might end up seriously hurt. Your New Year’s resolution: Wait at least fifteen minutes after eating before you go swimming.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t be so argumentative all the time. We just got over the holidays ‚ÄĒ everyone’s too exhausted to give a shit about your debate-of-the-week right now. Can’t you just drop all the “issues” for a few days and think about getting laid like the rest of us? Your resolution for the week: Have another glass of wine and stay a while. Have you ever danced on a bar-top? Now is as good a time as any.


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Happy New Year!

December 29th, 2014

photo by andrewcparnell

We hope you have a great New Year‚Äôs Eve, a very mild New Year‚Äôs Day hangover, and a nice long weekend off! We‚Äôll be back with our regularly scheduled program on Monday. In the meantime, don’t forget to make your New Year’s Resolutions with the help of our kinky guide. A great way to help you fulfill those resolutions is to buy our book — now in Kindle e-book form! — 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Start 2015 off with a bang! More importantly, get prepped for the release of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” — it’s right around the corner!

Thanks for a great year on EMandLO.com!

35 Ways Mindy Kaling Won the Internet in 2014

December 29th, 2014

photo via @MindyKaling

People often say they love Mindy Kaling because she is “relatable,” but we’re going to avoid that word because we think it’s kind of a backhanded compliment. We can imagine the Underminer saying it. Like, the only reason you love Mindy Kaling is because she doesn’t make you feel bad about your muffin top or the fact that you drunk-dialed your ex last night. Then again, we suppose there are worse reasons to have an imaginary friendship with a celebrity.

We love Mindy Kaling because she is wicked funny and simultaneously self-deprecating while not being afraid of a little self-promotion. We love her because she’s her own freakin’ boss. We love her because she fantasizes about being the oldest sister in a Jane Austen novel, with Taylor Swift as the youngest sister. (We didn’t even know until she said it that it’s totally our fantasy, too.) We love her because she told Howard Stern that she can never say no when someone suggests shots. And we love her because she confessed her B.J. Novak crush on the Howard Stern show and then right after, she went on Twitter and was all like, “Um @bjnovak I talked a little about you on @HowardStern.” Who can’t, well, relate to that?

Fine! Fine. She’s relatable. But she’s also hilarious about life, alcohol, and the pursuit of the opposite sex. Here are our 35 favorite @MindyKaling tweets from 2014:

 

1. Sure he texted me Merry Christmas but will he text me happy Boxing Day

 

2. When i have a crush on someone I pester them until they die

 

3. I’m watching The Notebook for the first time. I don’t understand why marrying handsome rich sweet war hero James Marsden is so weep-inducing

 

4. All I wanted to do was place a kiss on his suprasternal notch

 

5. If your date orders a California roll and vegetable tempura you so know she is totally basic but you are also getting laid

 

6. “Why the fuck not me?” should be your motto

 

7. If I was blind I could tell who the hot girls in the nail salon were by how boring their stories are

 

8. Before you’re a bae you have to be a bb

 

9. Is it weird to say, I wish Bruno Mars was my son

 

10. “Have you dined with us before?” No, but I PROMISE you I can figure this out with context clues, babe

 

11. Girls, the lesson is, create a tv show and use it as your reason for needing emails and phone numbers. Like Seth Rogen and Kevin Reilly, say

 

12. I love my @ELLEmagazine cover. It made me feel glamorous & cool. And if anyone wants to see more of my body, go on thirteen dates with me.

 

13. Holy shit I’m the age of those people on thirtysomething

 

14. Don’t worry about having perfect taste. People with perfectly curated taste usually have no original voice.

 

15. #humblebrag me, baby, like it’s 2012

 

16. For LA women, Saturday is the day you read, catch up with family and friends, and rip unwanted hair off of places on your body

 

17. leave a slice of carrot cake at my door if you love me

 

18. Ugh I have so much work, I should just gone girl myself

 

19. Gone Girl is a verb now

 

20. We all died of excitement because in the apartment across the street, a naked man was changing his duvet cover #sohostories

 

21. Five writers in the soho area want frozen yogurt delivered to us while we watch a documentary about murderers

 

22. September is a summer month, not a fall month, I have been thinking this for years but never said it aloud because it’s boring

 

23. I like you if every song is about you even the ones that make no sense like losing my religion

 

24. Drive sober, kiss tipsy, pack suitcases drunk as hell, has worked for me

 

25. Yawning at a dinner party ’cause you’re bored is rude but saying “yawn” at boring dinner party is awesome

 

26. In my romantic comedy movie set in New York our heroine is constantly running into exes while trying on glasses at Warby Parker

 

27. I wore a cape last night and wasn’t dramatic, so that’s a good start to a new year!

 

28. the melancholy cuteness of people in their 20s playing house

 

29. Yeah autocorrect I meant gu not hi

 

30. If you got it flaunt it, if you don’t got it, flaunt it

 

31. In high school, if I was up late studying, my dad would make me buttered toast and didn’t go to sleep until I did. I wanna be like that.

 

32. Let me get this straight they made Bradley Cooper the goddamned raccoon

 

33. Horrified to realize that crisp chicken skin is 100% my favorite food

 

34. God I feel so superior drinking my coconut water

 

35. The central unresolved question of my adult life is: how on earth does everyone become friends with everyone else so quickly?

 

 

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The New Year’s Issue

December 29th, 2014


A Refresher Course for Your New Year’s Kiss
Brush up on your midnight pucker up.

 


20 Naughty New Year’s Resolutions
Screw the gym membership.


What’s a Man’s Ideal New Year’s Eve?
Good wine. Good food. Good friends. And maybe a disco beat?

 


One More Time: What’s a Man’s Ideal New Year’s Eve?
Three more of our Wise Guys lay it out for you.

 

vintage_couple_bed_love0003
Your Sex-Related New Year’s Resolutions
More great ideas for the brand new year.

 


Is Your New Year’s Resolution to Be Single? Hello, D-Day!
January is the season for divorce, but don’t blame it on office holiday party nookie.

 


The Married Person’s Top 10 Resolutions
Make it like the first year, all over again.

 


New Year’s Kisses in NYC
Crazy Times Square pucker-uppers.

 


Top 10 Kinky New Year’s Resolutions
Which includes buying our book 150 SHADES OF PLAY, of course! (Now on sale for less than ten bucks so as not to conflict with your any budget-conscious resolutions! It’s even a handy E-book for less than 5 dollars!)

New Year’s Kisses in New York

December 29th, 2014

Times Square is about the last place we’d want to be on New Year’s Eve, but these folks from Getty seem to be having a good time. Here’s hoping you’ve got someone to smooch in the first few seconds of the first day of the new year, no matter where you are!


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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We Wish You a Merry Kinkmas!

December 23rd, 2014

We hope you’ll get to spend at least part of this week eating too much, drinking too much, and maybe even having post-t(of)urkey comfort sex (assuming you’re not sharing a bedroom with your nerdy eight-year-old cousin at an over-stuffed family reunion). We’ll be taking the rest of the week off, back for a bit next week, then off again for some serious New Year’s partaying. If you want to make our year — what’s left of it! — then you can buy our award-winning book 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink to keep you company while we’re gone: the beautiful fully illustrated print book is less than 10 bucks, and the new Kindle e-version let’s you flip from topic to topic with the touch of a finger from any page — for only $4.99! In the meantime, don’t forget to enter our #LoveResolution Contest for the chance to win a shiny new INA WAVE from LELO. You can count down to the holidays with our 12 Days of Kinkmas. And you can catch up on any holiday posts you might have missed at our Naughty and Nice Issue. Now… get thee to some mistletoe and make out like a teenager!

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25 Romantic Comedies Turned Very, Very Scary

December 23rd, 2014

We’re suckers for a good Twitter meme, even if they do make us feel like the clumsy kid who always gets picks last in gym class (i.e. when we contribute to a meme in what we consider to be a hilarious fashion, and are met with resounding Twitter silence). But like the clumsy kid in gym class in a John Hughes movie, we refuse to give up. Our favorite Twitter meme this week is #MakeAComedyScary. We happen to think that an unhealthy proportion of romantic comedies have a terrifying approach to love, dating, and sex, so this one is perfect for us! Below, you will find our top 25 romantic comedies turned very, very scary. Oh, and you if want to make us feel like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles, you should go ahead and follow us on Twitter @EMandLO.

1. Harold & Maude 2: Love in a Morgue

2. It Happened One Night But Nobody Believed Her

3. Pretty Woman Doesn’t Know She Has Chlamydia

4. My Big Fat Gay Wedding (okay, so this one is only terrifying to Republicans)

5. The Porn Shop Around the Corner (ditto)

6. (500) Days of Zooey Deschanel

7. The 40-Year-Old Virgin Suicide

8. Pretty in Pink Because She’s Been Culturally Conditioned to Shun Blue

9. Four Weddings and Four Funerals, Then One More Wedding

10. When Harry Met Sally’s Expectations

11. How to Lose a Guy By Doing Everything Cosmopolitan Magazine Tells You To

12. 10 Things I Hate About Your Teddy Bear Collection

13. Breakfast at Bill Cosby’s

14.¬†Bridget Jones’s Red Room of Pain

15. Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s Safe Word

16. Knocked Up in a State with Restricted Access to Abortion

17.¬†My Best Friend’s Shotgun Wedding to a Guy Who Thought She Was on the Pill

18.¬†Love Actually Doesn’t Conquer Mismatched Libidos

19. Three Republican Men and a Fetus

20. Sleepless in Seattle 2: Crabs vs. Bedbugs

21. Some Like It in Furry Animal Costumes

22. The Princess Child Bride

23.¬†Say Anything So Long As It’s About Me

24. Clueless About Sex Ed

25. 13 Going on 30: Unrated

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