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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-03-14

November 3rd, 2014

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
We’re assuming the stars are talking about love, but this may apply to a friendship or a business relationship for all we know: Don’t turn your back on someone who has been loyal to you for years. Shame on you for even considering it! Think of everything they’ve ever done for you. Sure, they may be completely annoying in their own special way, but that’s part of their charm. Don’t walk away from them, not if you want us to talk to you again.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Anger and resentment will follow if someone becomes too clingy too fast. Just be sure you’re not mistaking true love for clingy-ness, because someday people will stop clinging and then you’ll die all alone.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You are likely to run out of steam when you need it the most this week. Pace yourself, drink lots of water, and think about baseball.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Just because you’re in a good mood, that doesn’t mean everyone else you pass should “smile — it can’t be that bad!” Just because you’re in a bad mood, doesn’t mean you have to poo poo everyone else’s good time. Just because you think it’s a brilliant idea, that won’t mean your colleagues will too. Just because you want to do it, doesn’t automatically mean your partner wants to stop watching TV. Just because your dog wags its tail when you do that thing, that doesn’t make it right, you sick, sick bastard.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
The more passionate you are about something that you are involved in, the more likely you are to meet someone who is attracted to you, as well as everything you believe in and stand for. Are you really interested in being a married Evangelical pastor, or did you sign up just because it seemed like the thing to do? Find a cause you actually care about, one you can get behind with gusto, like Free Beer Fridays or Gimps Are People Too. Besides, that rumor you heard about pastors getting a free pass on gay sex with prostitutes is not true. Total urban legend, man.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re goind to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t believe the lies of the person trying to seduce you right now!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Scorpio, let’s work on our indoor voice, shall we? This whole social butterfly thing you’ve got going works fine in the bar (or on line at the DMV), but in one-on-one situations, it’s a little much. Tone it down a tad once you hit the bedroom, lest you scare away the hotties (or piss off their neighbors).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Go to bed without brushing your teeth for once. Hit the snooze button a third time. Leave on the conditioner for a minute longer than the bottle tells you to. You know: go nuts. Most of all, let your heart rule your head. Remember, it doesn’t have to “make sense,” it just has to be legal and consensual. If anyone questions your state of mind, just tell them that if loving this way is wrong, you don’t want to be right.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Being needy will be a problem. If you try too hard you will end up with someone who will take advantage of you. You are probably better off spending time alone with a good book. Like the fabulous book, 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Have you heard of it? It’ll help kill the time until you finally find someone cool to knock boots with.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s time to turn on the charm and make a splash — or, as we like to call it, pulling a Hilary Rodham Clinton. You’re your own sexual agent, and sometimes that means rolling up your sleeves and doing a little self-promotion. Stop short of an “Am I Hot or What?” press release, but don’t shy away from anything else. Trust us on this one: We know from self-promotion. Once you bite the bullet and start, it’s addictive! (Did we mention we our fabulous book, 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink?)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
When you fall for someone, it’s like you become a Jehovah’s Witness: you do everything in your power to convince the object of your affections to see the light and join you on this journey of love. Yet they almost always resist when you come on so strong, practically slamming the door in your face. Don’t put your foot in the door jam — you’ll just end up with a broken toe, maybe even a cop or two responding to the 911 call your beloved made when you wouldn’t back down. The best thing you can do is just quietly walk away. One look at that ass as you leave the front porch, and they’ll be calling you up for salvation before you know it.


Your Call: How Do I Tell Him I Don’t Like His Weight Gain?

November 3rd, 2014

photo via IMDB

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader.  

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
Advice Service!


Dear Em & Lo,

My husband and I have been together ten years, and over the last few years he has gradually put on about twenty pounds. He jokes about it, but he doesn’t seem to be bothered by the weight gain — he just seems to think it’s normal for a guy his age (44) to get thick around the middle. And it’s true, most of his friends have spread in the same way. But I miss the guy I fell in love with! I’m still in love with him, but I’m not quite as attracted to him as I once was, and I worry what this will do to my sex drive as the years go on.

Can I say anything to him? And if so, what do I say and how do I say it?!

– C(hubby) Chaser

What should C.C. do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


A Guide to Sketchy Ballot Measures This Election Day

November 3rd, 2014

photo via Ms. Blog

The Ms. Magazine blog created this infographic showing the four states where there are big ballot measures that could severely impact women’s rights. If you live in one of them, educate yourself. Even if you don’t, pass this along to someone who does:

In Colorado: Vote NO on amendment 67 and protect access to abortion and birth control. Learn more about the “personhood” measure and your voting rights here.
In Oregon: Vote YES on measure 89 and enshrine women’s equality in the state constitution. Learn more about Oregon’s Equal Rights Amendment and how to vote here.
In North Dakota: Vote NO on measure 1, which would ban abortion and most birth control by redefining “personhood.” Learn more about the amendment and how to vote here.
In Tennessee: Vote NO on amendment 1—don’t let the state take away women’s right to abortion. Learn more about the constitutional amendment and your voting rights here.

Feminist Campus and Feminist Majority Foundation have a state-by-state list of all the other sketchy ballot measures to watch out for this Tuesday, November 4th.

And Planned Parenthood has a great Voter Guide: You just enter the zip code you vote in, and PP gives you the state and federal candidates they endorse. Enter your full address and they’ll even give you your polling place!

Find out where to vote, make a plan to get there, and then make sure you follow through this Tuesday to help ensure we move forward, not backwards, when it comes to reproductive freedoms and women’s rights.


7 Tips for Determining Who Pays on a Date

October 31st, 2014

photo via Flickr

Dates may be cheap but they ain’t never free. So who coughs up?

  1. Whoever did the asking pays for the date. This is 2014, people, it’s so last century to assume the man always gets it.
  2. However, if you’ve been asked out, you should always assume you’ll be going dutch to avoid disappointment. Bring cash so you don’t end up washing dishes.
  3. When the check comes, the one who was asked out should offer to go halvsies — and try to sound like you mean it.
  4. If you end up sharing the bill, split it evenly, even if one of you got lobster. Exact breakdowns are for roomies, siblings, and other people with no plans to get naked.
  5. In a battle of the Amexes, defer to who did the asking (perhaps it’s the miles).
  6. If your date absolutely insists on getting the whole thing, this is your excuse to extend the date: offer to buy cocktails or coffee at the bar across the street, or insist the next date’s on you.
  7. Though we’d like to believe that everyone knows better by now, we should note that no matter how much your date spends on dinner, you do not owe them a thing in the booty department — not even a kiss.


The Halloween Issue

October 30th, 2014

The 10 Sexiest Scary Movies
Horrifying and hot.

The 10 Most Romantic “Monster” Movies
Love can be scary.

How to Have Sex with a Vampire
A top 10 for all you Twilight fans.

Are Halloween Couples’ Costumes Cute or Cloying?
What do you think? Let us know!

Halloween Haiku Contest Winners
please, babe? just the tip? / he thrusts, and…did it break off? /
no more zombie sex

Wise Guys: How Can I Get Him to Dress Up for Halloween?
You’re into the fantasy and fun, he’s a fuddy-duddy.

Halloween Is for Roleplaying
It’s the perfect excuse to become someone else for the night…

Should He Use Halloween to Introduce Her to His Kinky Side?
Your call.

Poll: What Do You Think About Sexy Halloween Costumes?
Tacky or liberating?

How to Really Enjoy National Chocolate Day.
Here are some naughty ways to spend October 28th.

How Not to Kiss Like a Zombie
A step-by-step guide.

Wise Guys: What’s the Best Costume
You’ve Ever Seen a Woman Wear?

Only one out of three votes for the “sexy” route!

My Fiance Bit Me Like a Vampire in My Sleep
And I liked it.

Top 10 Couple’s Costumes for 2013
Heavy on the “Breaking Bad.”

Top 10 “Sexy” Halloween Costume Ideas for Men
Why should women get to have all the “fun”?

Top 15 Worst “Sexy: Halloween Costumes
Sexy Bacon vs. Sexy Elmo: Who wins?

Contest: #KegelizeAMovie

October 30th, 2014

In honor of LELO’s launch of their revolutionary new pleasure object, Luna Smart Bead, we’re holding a Kegel Kontest! Pelvic health is an often overlooked but incredibly important element to sexual satisfaction: strong pelvic area muscles mean better sexual sensation and easier to come by orgasms. But remembering to do your Kegels on the grocery line can be challenging. The Luna Smart Bead is designed to practically do them for you! It offers a custom-made, vibration-guided routine that encourages you to work those muscles — almost involuntarily! — for better sex. (Click here for more info on how awesomely it works.)

So, do you want a Luna Smart Bead for yourself? Of course you do! Here’s how to enter for a chance to win one:

Tweet a movie title on Twitter.com and replace one key word with “Kegel,” so that it conveys the importance of pelvic health. Don’t forget to include these three things in your Tweet:

  1. the hashtag #kegelizeamovie
  2. @emandlo
  3. @Lelo_Official

Examples of Kegelized movies might include “How to Train Your Kegels,” “The Fault in Our Kegels,” and ”Citizen Kegel” (these will not be considered if you enter them as your own, duh.)

Feel free to submit your entries in the comments below also, though only Tweets that follow the guidelines above will be entered to win. Enter as many times as you like, though each entry should be a different kegelized movie title (NOT the same one over and over). You must be 18 or older to enter. And do NOT create multiple Twitter accounts to enter.

Deadline is EOD Thursday, November 6th at 11:59 EST. We’ll pick one MVP winner (“MVP” being defined at our discretion) and announce the winning Tweet here on EMandLO.com as well as on Twitter on Friday, the 7th. If that winner does not claim their prize by replying to our private message within a week, a new winner will be chosen.

Good luck! And may the best movie Kegelizer win a Luna Smart Bead!

Dream Interpretation: My Boyfriend Beat Me

October 30th, 2014


Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I had a dream that I was in a room trying to hide. I hid in the closet and then under the bed my boyfriend came in and took me from under the bed and started to beat on me. Later the scene changed we were in a parking lot in his car and he had told me he’s back to seeing the mother of his child. Only, it wasn’t the one I knew of, it was a new one. He had gotten someone else pregnant and she was going to have a daughter, but I was pregnant also. In the dream I hadn’t told him I was pregnant, but it was weird because as he was telling me he was looking down at my stomach.

Lauri: Hiding in a dream is a tell tale sign there is something in real life you do not wish others, or someone in particular, to know. Hiding under a bed in a dream means this either an issue that keeps you up at night, or it is an issue that involves intimacy. It could even be thoughts or feelings you are keeping to yourself.

Your boyfriend pulls you out and proceeds to beat you in the dream. I really hope this is solely a dream incident and is not reflective of real life. Because if this happens in real life… GET OUT NOW! If it’s only a dream beat down, then this is more likely connected to you beating yourself up over something in regards to your relationship.

In the dream you also wind up in a parking lot, which means something in your life is stuck or on hold at the moment, no longer progressing forward. It’s probably your relationship. The reference to his baby momma tells us this is an issue for you. Maybe there is jealousy there. Or maybe the dynamics of their relationship is an indicator of what you can expect in your relationship with him. Your subconscious mind brought it up because there is something there you need to pay attention to.

His impregnation of someone else most likely symbolizes that he has started up an interest in something that you may be worrying is taking away from you. Also, you have another reference to hiding something at the end of this dream with not telling him about your pregnancy. It sure seems to me that your dream is trying to show you that things will continue to develop and grow, like a pregnancy, if this hidden issue isn’t worked out. Honesty is always the best policy in a relationship. Work this out, sister, before it gets bigger than it is right now.


Visit Lauri’s site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.




5 STDs You Should Worry About More Than Ebola

October 29th, 2014

photo via flickr

Yes, yes, yes, you should be very concerned about Ebola… if you’ve traveled to Liberia recently. (Or know someone who has.) But you should be very concerned about STDs… if you’ve had sex recently. Especially if you’re not in a long-term, monogamous relationship with someone who would never cheat on you (and, sorry folks, there’s no guarantee of this in life).

We’re going to go out on a limb here and say that a lot more of you have had sex than have been to Liberia. Yes? In which case, below are five infectious diseases you should focus on instead. Because more than half of all of us will get at least one STD at some point in our lives.

So remember: Practice safer sex, and get tested regularly, by your doctor, or at your local Planned Parenthood Health Center. Oh, and get a flu shot, too! Because that’s one thing that’s definitely more likely to kill Americans than Ebola this year.

1. Human Papillomavirus (HPV)
HPV is massively “popular” in this country (you probably have it, actually), and it’s a tricky little STD: it takes a second to contract, but a lifetime to understand. So check out the easy-to-digest video we made that tells you everything you need to know about HPV. And browse all our posts on HPV here.

2. Herpes
Got herpes? You might. More than one in five Americans is infected and less than a third of them know it. This is in part because it is so easily spread, even when there are no visible symptoms. Yowza! Browse all of our posts on herpes here to learn more.

The biggie. The grand poobah. The mother lode. The leader of the pack. The only STD in history to get its own Broadway musical. The scary monster that really could be under your bed. It might seem like old news, and this is bad news, because old news usually means new nonchalance. And about 1 in 6 people with HIV don’t know they are infected, after all. Read up on HIV & AIDS at Planned Parenthood.

4. Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID)
Not an STD in itself, this is rather a common and serious complication of some STDs — it develops when an infection (usually untreated chlamydia or gonorrhea) spreads up from the vagina and cervix into the fallopian tubes, uterus, and ovaries. More than one million U.S. women get PID every year. Often, there are no symptoms, and, left untreated, it can lead to infertility, ectopic pregnancy, and chronic pain. Read more at Planned Parenthood.

5. Chlamydia & Gonorrhea
Yes, chlamydia and gonorrhea are easily treated and cured, but the symptoms for these two STDs can be easily missed, or easily mistaken for something else, like a yeast infection. And if you don’t treat these two, they can both cause serious complications, especially in women (see PID, above). Read more about the complications of these two STDs at Planned Parenthood.

… So, next booty call, or next one-night stand, or next time you sleep with someone new, think about asking them to discuss their sexual history — when they were last tested, what STDs they have had or still have, if they always use condoms, etc. And then, only then, may you ask them if they’ve traveled to Liberia recently!


The Kind of Date Night You SHOULD Be Having, According to Science

October 29th, 2014

from YourTango.com | photo via Flickr

My name is Amanda Chatel, and I’m excited about my date night!

A few days ago I signed my husband and I up for one of those drink while you paint date nights. A bunch of my friends have done it, and since my husband and I could agree on the fact that we’re both good at drinking, but bad at painting, it seemed like a great way to spend an evening together. You know, actually doing something, as opposed to doing the nothing that we usually do together. Our class is next Thursday, and I have to say, I’m pretty excited. I never thought I’d be excited about such a thing, but I am. My name is Amanda Chatel, and I’m excited about my date night!

My husband and I don’t really go out on dates; we never really have. I sort of tagalong with his friends or he tagalongs with mine, but as for mutually decided upon dates, we just don’t do it enough. Science says this is wrong. Science says if my husband and I want to step up our game, we need to spend our time doing “shared relationship activities.” I guess it’s a good thing I signed us up for that drink while you paint class, before everything fell apart.

From two different studies of more than 350 long-term relationships, came findings that activities, in which the partners shared the experience, were really beneficial for the healthand overall quality of the relationship. It was these couples that reported greater satisfaction, less stress, and were even closer than those couples that just did “things” without “purposefully” engaging in activities. If only one half of the couple is having fun, and the other is just faking it, then no good can really come of it, because someone is going without. The study found that situations like that can actually lead to more stress within the relationship.

Although making the effort and finding the energy to actually plan a well-thought-out activity that you’ll both enjoy may seem trying at times, it’s a necessary part of having a successful relationship. Having fun and sharing a laugh outside of the usual walls in which you and your partner spend your time is essential in allowing for the relationship to grow.

Even if you don’t have the funds to go on a hiking trip or sign up for a class (that drink while you paint class wasn’t cheap!), it’s still paramount to find other activities that will interest you both and keep the love alive. Yes, by golly, you have to make an effort to keep the love alive!

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: It’s Science: THIS Type Of Date Night Improves Your Relationship