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Your Call: Can He Skip the Couples Costume This Halloween?

October 27th, 2014

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader.  

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Dear Em & Lo,

My girlfriend wants to do a couple’s costume for Halloween this year. I don’t. I think it’s cheesy and annoying. But I know how happy it would make her. Still, I really don’t want to. Can I stand my ground or am I just being a jerk, especially if I’m going to dress up anyway?

A Reluctant Clyde to Her Bonnie

 

What should ARCTHB do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Your Halloween Horoscopes: 10-27-14

October 27th, 2014

pumpkin_puke_421photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
What’s the hurry? Take your time and get to know a potential partner a little before considering becoming intimate. In the meantime, bob for apples without using your teeth to practice for the oral sex to come later.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Being a stickler about guests wearing costumes to the party you’re throwing tonight is great…to a point. Yes, when people feel they don’t have a choice, they feel less weird about dressing up — and getting everyone on board means no party poopers to make the participants feel like assholes for dressing up as Sexy Ebola. But some people are so against getting outfitted, that they’d rather not attend than be forced to wear a hospital gown or a kitty cat outfit. And are you really going to turn someone away who doesn’t show up in drag? Sometimes it’s good to let things slide a little. This, of course, is a metaphor for your love life.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Trick or treat, smell your feet, give your partner something good to eat — this is the best dating advice we can offer you for tonight.

Read the rest of this entry »

The 10 Saddest Things About Being Single

October 24th, 2014

by Shireen Dadkhah for YourTango.com  |  photo via flickr

Trust me, you don’t understand what it means to be lonely.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve watched my friends pair off. Temporarily and fleetingly in high school, longer and more lasting in college, and now, permanently. Throughout it all, I’ve remained single. Too shy, too insecure, too…whatever. I got used to my role as the Single One—I was even okay with it. As an introvert, I not only like my alone time, I need it. But, somewhere along the line, I stopped just being single and started being lonely. Most days I’m both. And try as my paired up friends might, they don’t seem to fully understand what it’s like to watch everyone around you fall in love. They don’t understand what it means to be lonely. So let me tell you.

1. You are nobody’s first priority. Between boyfriends and girlfriends and spouses and kids and church, there’s always someone before you on the priority list. I don’t have that one person I come home to at the end of the day, with whom I share all the mundane details of my life. So I parse them out between friends and family, sometimes oversharing because I just need someone to validate my existence. I’m not saying it’s wrong that I’m not the top priority (of course family should come first). But for the perpetually alone sometimes it’d be nice to be first. Just once. Just for a day.

2. Physical touch is a thing for other people. When you’re not part of a couple and you’re living alone, physical touch goes out the window. And not just sexy, intimate touches. I’m talking mundane, everyday, almost-no thought-put-into-them touches. Last week, I realized it had been months since I’d been touched by another person. For as much as I value and need alone time, nothing is more isolating than realizing no one has touched you in over a month. Nothing.

3. Jealousy is green and ugly and real. I don’t want to be a jealous person. I don’t like being a jealous person. But when the loneliness is overwhelming and all-consuming, I can’t help it. I can’t help but be jealous of the fact that other people have someone to come home to—that they have the occasional unthinking brush of hands and take so much for granted.

4. There’s physical pain associated with being lonely. It’s not something you know until you’ve experienced it, and it’s hard to describe. But it actually hurts to be lonely. It’s an ache in your chest, a heaviness that you can’t shake, a longing that only the touch of another person can soothe.

5. Being the third wheel sucks. No matter how much I like my friends’ significant other (and really, they’re great!), I don’t want to be the third or fifth wheel. A little part of me dies every time I have to plaster a smile on my face and joke to the waiter that the bill is going to be split, “Two, two, and me. Just me.”

6. Friendship isn’t enough. This one is hard. I have an outstandingly good group of friends and family, but as much as I want them to be (and as much they wish they could be), they aren’t enough. I’ve tried really hard to make them enough, but it’s like forcing a puzzle piece into a spot it doesn’t belong. You can push and push and push, but it’s never going to quite sit right.

7. Everyone is part of a couple. Or maybe it just seems that way when you’re not. But from my point of view, everywhere I look, I see couples. Even events are geared towards couples. Have you ever tried cooking for one? It’s not pretty.

8. The grass isn’t greener. Stop telling me how you’d love to have some peace and quiet or a night where no one touches you. Because that’s not what I’m talking about. There is a profound, bone-deep difference between “alone time” and being lonely. Comparing the two or romanticizing something I consider painful undermines my feelings and makes me hate you a tiny bit.

9. This isn’t a “lifestyle” choice. Plenty of folks choose to be single. Nobody chooses to be lonely. That’s part of the problem. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want this. But it’s not something I can fix on my own.

10. No one gets it. It’s kind of like the Dead Dad’s Club. (Please lower your pitchforks and allow me to explain.) Until you lose your dad, you don’t know what it’s like. You can sympathize and you can think, “Oh, that’s really sh*tty,” but you can’t really empathize. And it’s true for loneliness, too. Unless you’ve experienced it—unless you know what true, deep, painful loneliness is like—you don’t get it. And, well, that just makes things all the more lonely, doesn’t it?

This post originally appeared on YourTango

Photos of the Week: Sexy Shadowy Ghosts from Getty

October 24th, 2014

 

When you do a search on Getty Images for “halloween sex,” you get a lot of cheesy cosplay stuff. You also get a lot of cool silhouettes behind glass that call to mind — somewhat disturbingly — ghosts, orgasms, and the “Psycho” shower scene. And what’s interesting is, they’re taken by several different photographers, not just one. Who knew this was a genre?
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Dream Interpretation: On a Beach, Everyone Had a Giant Penis

October 23rd, 2014


photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

i had a dream where i went to a beautiful beach and was enjoying the scenic sunset beauty. suddenly, i got shocked by seeing a naked guy go for a swim in the sea. he had an amazing big penis. aroused, i smiled and ogled at him for a little while. then, i got up to go out for a walk along the waterline. many people were enjoying the evening. i found many guys sitting naked or semi-naked. they were all in various activities – all relaxing in their own way, some sitting and lazying, some reading, some sprawled out. notable was that all of them had big penises. some of them had limp penises and some were erect… but all of them were big… i remember thinking, hey in this part of city, all the guys have big penises.

Lauri: I have this suspicion that many of Em & Lo’s readers would like to know in what city your dream took place! Anyhoo, as delightfully phallic as your dream is, it is really all about you.

The beach setting and the nakedness are all about freedom and getting things out in the open. In real life have you recently gotten something off your chest or opened up about something? Penises in dreams tend to be connected to one’s assertiveness and ability to “stand firm” about certain issues. And usually the bigger something is in a dream the bigger a deal it is in real life.

So what I am getting from this dream is that you may have recently “grown a pair,” so to speak, and “stood up” for yourself in some way… in a BIG way. And in doing so, it brought about a certain sense of freedom, which is great! Because when we hold things in or don’t stand up for ourselves, we become imprisoned by fear and worry.

Life’s too short for that nonsense. Live life in a big way while you’re here. And your dream suggests you are doing just that!

Dreamer’s Response: the interpretation is bang on … i am going through a tough phase of life, which is making me take a lot of tough decisions. i am a very emotional person, and generally avoid taking such tough stances… but, i did take the decision to put an end to a toxic relationship and friendships. my boyfriend and friends, were taking me and my friendship for granted. this year, i evaluated the space they were giving me and decided that i was bettter off alone, than being in the company of people who were making me feeling less than what i was and were not appreciating me… so i bid goodbye to long-standing friendships and that was taking a toll on me. i decided to begin anew and invest my emotions more carefully than what i had done in the past and have been hurt pretty badly.

 

Visit Lauri’s site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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How to Become a Cuckold (If That’s Your Thing)

October 23rd, 2014

Every now and then (okay, so it’s not exactly rare!) a reader gives better advice than we ever could. Especially when it’s a very specific situation that we have zero experience in… and the reader has experience in spades. This week is just such a case: Reader Ken shares very smart advice on how to become a cuckold, and how to get your wife on board with the whole thing — assuming, of course, that’s your bag! He posted this comment in response to our post, “Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; Thinks I’m Nuts”:

Ken: I am in a ‘cuckold’ situation in my marriage, but this took years of slow, gentle encouragement. At first it was just me whispering my dirty fantasies in her ear during intimate moments. After she had come to understand my desire, she started taking small steps to tease and please me. This happened most often while on vacation. In beautiful places with beautiful strangers. At first it was limited to small acts of flirting and a little exhibitionism here and there – often on the pretext of a dare. Most importantly, I never pushed her toward anyone specific. If she felt flirty and fun (and a little buzz always helped) I gently encouraged her to explore her wild side.

After years of this she eventually became comfortable enough to take things to a new level with a handsome stranger of her choice.

Believe me: I understand this desire. But you have to keep it light and take it slow and maybe – just maybe – she will explore this desire more fully. But the last thing you want to appear as to your wife is a creepy, pushy sexual deviant. That will freak her out and you will probably A: never realize your fantasy and B: lose your wife in the process.

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Why No Blowjobs Can Be a Dealbreaker for Men

October 22nd, 2014


photo via flickr

Last week we published reader Sara’s impassioned comment about blowjobs, and how they are not an inalienable right. This week, we are publishing two responses to her by two of our equally thoughtful, passionate, intelligent male readers, Derek and Steve. Can we just say how much we love that a debate like this can take place on our site, with no flaming and no name-calling? It’s positively revolutionary! So please, keep it coming.

And yes, we will admit to a little bias when it comes to discussing an absence of cunnilingus in a relationship vs an absence of blowjobs. There is one fairly big difference, though: We don’t know any (many?) men who are able to climax via oral sex alone. For women, on the other hand, it’s a different story. Cunnilingus is often the closest women come to experiencing the kind of guaranteed climaxes that men take for granted. Sometimes it’s the only way they can climax. Also, we happen to think that the way cunnilingus is dismissed in our culture is a lot more problematic than the way blowjobs are discussed. Simply put, there’s a power differential.

That all said, we will do our best to bear these comments below in mind. And we will do our best to treat men in blowjob-free lives as sensitively as we do those women who are starved for cunnilingus. A little more empathy never hurt any blogger, after all!

Here are the responses to the original post, “Your Call: She Doesn’t Like Going Down” and the follow-up “Comment of the Week: Blowjobs Aren’t an Inalienable Right”:

Derek: Good points, Sara. No one should feel that they have to do any specific sex act. Now, I think it is a good idea for any committed, monogamous couple to try and explore things that their partners really enjoy, but if you really don’t like it then don’t do it.

That being said, I also think the other partner has every right to say good bye to a relationship that does not include things that they really enjoy and would miss greatly if there was a lack of it. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t make me laugh, who isn’t loving, who wants to spend her weekends at work, who doesn’t like giving blowjobs, that hates dogs and won’t let me adopt one, and who can only orgasm after being urinated on. All are valid reasons to not want to be with someone who you otherwise love a lot.

For me, blow jobs give me the opportunity to relax and just feel pleasure and joy. Thrusting is hard business, and there are a great many things to keep track of (back pain, arms about to give out, sliding knees, etc). Not to mention, the anxiety a lot of men feel about maybe coming to soon or their dick not helping a woman have an orgams and all the attendant feelings of failure and unmanliness.

Fellatio allows me to not have those worries. I don’t have to make decisions. I don’t have to worry about anything. All I get to do is feel, to experience amazing sensations. I don’t think I could be married to a woman who would not provide that opportunity to me. It is far to blessed and amazing experience for me to never do it again.

Now, if your man is willing to pay the price of admission (no blow jobs) then great, but if he is unwilling, as I would be, then he has every right to end the relationship and find what he needs elsewhere. Just as you are free to leave a man who demands fellatio from you constantly, or a man that does not fit your needs.

And it is not because I don’t care about the woman. We all have needs and wants and they are all valid things. If I loved a woman who hates dogs and never, ever wants one of the damned things, I don’t think I could marry her. I love dogs and I want one very much. Likewise, I don’t want kids and a woman who wants kids has every right to leave me so that she can get the things she wants and needs. Sex is no different. Unmet needs cause all kinds of problems and it is important for everyone to be honest with themselves about what they need and desire. So, I don’t think shaming someone for really liking and wanting/needing a sexual act is a helpful thing to do.

P.S. A lot of these issues might be solved if we just all got into being monogamish and opened up our relationships!

 

Steve: Great post, Derek. There is a striking contrast between many of the responses provided in this thread and those in the one entitled “My Husband Won’t Give Me Oral.” Several posters here have emphasized that no one should feel forced to do do something that he or she does not want to do. In that thread the husband is treated as a jerk for having the same views that the letter writer here expresses. Double standards, anyone?

I agree that no one should feel forced to perform any specific sex act. On the other hand, sex IS important to many people, and no one should be obliged to stay in a relationship if his/her needs are not being met. This is not an issue of “entitlement” – it’s about whether each person’s wants and needs are being satisfied in the relationship. It’s up to the participants to try to reach a satisfactory solution. If this proves impossible, both will have to decide whether the relationship is worth maintaining.

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Crush of the Week: Potty-Mouthed Princesses Drop F-Bombs for Feminism

October 22nd, 2014

Holy fucking shit, this video (below) is fucking awesome! We could watch it all week! It combines two of our favorite things: feminism and swear words. That it includes little girls not acting like little princesses is icing on the cake. Of course, the freakouts and insults in the comments section illustrates just how scary it must be for people invested in the sexist status quo to see women, especially little girls, defying their most basic gender-stereotypical imperatives: be cute, quiet and conforming. Wonder if it’s too late to get our daughters to go as Potty-Mouthed Princesses for Halloween?

 

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The 10 Sexiest Scary Movies

October 22nd, 2014

A lot of horror movies just throw in the obligatory topless scene and consider that “sexy.” We’re raising the bar here. All the movies below (except one) receive fresh ratings on RottenTomatoes.com’s ’s Tomatometer and were seminal contributions to the horror genre in some way. Or else they just tickled our fright fancy. (There was some natural crossover with our recent “10 Most Romantic ‘Monster’ Movies” post, but we left off any of those to avoid repetition.) The sexy scary flicks are listed in chronological order (there’s only one real spoiler, which we’ve alerted you to below). Let us know in the comments which other titles we should have made the cut.
 

1. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)


The somnabulist that Dr. Caligari keeps in a coffin is tall, pale, dressed in black, and wears lots of goth makeup — in other words, totally sexy! When it comes to tormenting pretty ladies dressed in white, we’ll take him over 1922′s long-nosed Nosferatu any day.  ”Portlandia” did a whole sketch on how The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari is one of those films you know you should watch (it’s a landmark, cinematic masterpiece of German Expressionism!) but you never do. Do it finally! (We’ve embedded the full movie above.)
 

2. Cat People (1942)


Not to be confused with the graphic cheese-fest that was the 1982 remake, this moody, suspenseful thriller subtly tackled big issues for the time: sexism, sexual abuse, the power of female sexuality, and the dangers of jealousy. The main character refuses to consummate her marriage for fear she’ll turn into a ferocious panther when aroused, a condition caused by her repressive and abusive childhood. One can imagine ISIS using it as a propagandistic cautionary tale; they’d be missing the point.

 

3. Horror of Dracula (1958)


Time Out London’s list of the top 100 horror films of all time put this film at #74. Here’s what they had to say:

The British horror boom which ran from the late ’50s until the early ’70s received short shrift on this list – which is disappointing for great films like ‘Curse of Frankenstein’, ‘Theatre of Blood’ and ‘Death Line’, but perhaps inevitable given the fact that so many films of the period have aged so poorly. But it’s no surprise to see a solid placing for the film which started it all, Hammer’s (for the time) groundbreakingly savage and saucy take on Stoker’s classic novel, and one of the key works in the modernisation of horror. All those frilly frocks, heaving cleavages and creaky sets don’t look especially modern now, but this was the film which clarified forever the link between vampires and eroticism, as embodied by Lee’s stately, stalking presence as the ultimate gentleman sex fiend.

We agree.

 

4. Daughters of Darkness (1971)


The fabulous silver sequined dress Delphine Seyrig wears as the ageless Countess at an old grand seaside hotel is enough to get this Belgian movie on our list. But her and her sapphic sidekick’s sensually sadistic seduction of two sad honeymooners scream sexy with a capital S. (That’s a lot of esses.)
Bonus:  DoD reminds us of another disturbing seventies flick: Andy Warhol’s Flesh for Frankenstein (1974), an over-the-top camp concoction that shamelessly mixes sex and gore until the two are indistinguishable.

 

5. Don’t Look Now (1973)


Super creepy movie about the tragic death of a daughter from the perspective of the two parents trying to keep reality from descending into horror (yeah, good luck with that!). It’s beautifully shot in Venice, which is sexy in and of itself, but what makes it stand out is the incredibly realistic sex scene between husband and wife intercut with post-sex shots of them getting ready for the evening. One of the most intimate sex scenes ever made. Just remember it was the 70s — hopefully you can get past the flute music and Donald Sutherland’s perm.

 

6. Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)


It’s about the sexual awakening — and then some — of a conservative, virginal couple (Susan Sarandon and Barry Boswick)  in the hands of Frank N. Furter (Tim Curry), the mad scientist who’s incredibly and inspiringly comfortable in his “transvestite” skin. Almost every song in this twisted cult classic send up of old sci-fi and B-horror is an ode to sensuality. ”Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me” sung by Sarandon’s Janet is pretty obvious (“I wanna be dirty/Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me”) but there’s no sexier line than the one from “Rose Tint My World” sung by the newly empowered Janet: “I feel released/Bad times deceased/My confidence has increased/Reality is here.”

 

7. The Hunger (1983)


Another Susan Sarandon vehicle, The Hunger is the only one on our list not to get a fresh rating on RottenTomatoes.com. But come on, it’s got Catherine Deneuve and David Bowie as vampire lovers! (Pictured above.) That’s the definition of sexy. Add to that the lesbian “love” scene between Deneuve and Sarandon, plus the kickass soundtrack (with Bach’s Cello Suite #1 alongside Bauhaus’s goth classic, “Bela Lugosi’s Dead”), and we’re giving this a thumbs up.

 

8. Angel Heart (1987)


Spoiler alert: If you can get past the the fact that the sex scene involves an adult (played by Mickey Rourke) fucking a minor (played by Lisa “Cosby Show” Bonet)…who’s mother is his ex-lover…whom he murdered…and who, it turns out, is his daughter from that dead ex-lover…whom he will kill after they have sex…by shooting her in the freakin’ vajayjay, well then that scene is pretty damned hot (emphasis on the damned).
 

9. American Psycho (2000)


We realize that by including American Psycho in this list, we’re guilty of the same kind of sexually shallow, consumeristic, image-conscious obsession the movie (based on the Bret Easton Ellis book) is making fun of with its sexually shallow, consumeristic, image-conscious obsessed, serial-killing main character. But it’s not often that movies gaze so lovingly and longingly (however ironically) at the idealized male form (yet another reason Hollywood needs more female directors like this one’s, Mary Harron). So Christian Bale’s chiseled pecs and glutes earn the film a spot on our list.
 

10. Thirst (2009)


In his 1996 essay “Hail the Returning Dragon, Clothed in New Fire,” David Foster Wallace argued that obstacles are what make sex meaningful and sexy (dragons got in the way of maidens, AIDS got in the way malaise-inducing free love). South Korea’s Thirst is a tale with some serious obstacles: he’s a Catholic priest, she’s a married woman; he’s a vampire, she’s not…not yet at least. It doesn’t get much more forbidden than that.


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