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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Andi in Belgium)

July 1st, 2014

photo courtesy of ABC/Geert Vanden Wijngaert

  1. It’s honorable to take the process of falling in love seriously (Marcus), but would it kill you to crack a joke once in a while? There’s a reason why people rank “sense of humor” as one of the most important qualities they look for in a mate.
  2. To quote Nick: “You’ll never get what you want if you don’t ask for it.”
  3. Guys, it’s great to be in touch with your emotions and allow yourselves to cry, even publicly (Nick, Dylan) — sincerely — but now you’ve got to work on being able to express your emotions, whether good or bad, verbally. Tripping over your words (Nick), being uber-vague about your feelings (Nick, Josh) — these things are only mildly endearing for so long.
  4. Sour grapes aren’t very appealing. You can’t control how others (Nick) behave, you (all the other bachelors) can only control your own behavior and hope that it will serve you karmically in the end. So don’t be the nice guy who becomes a bad guy by railing against the original bad guy.
  5. Never stay at a hotel that will give any rando who knows your name a key to your room!

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: Independence Day Edition!

June 30th, 2014

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sign your Declaration of lnfatuation already and distribute it to the object of your infatuation. You’re guaranteed at least 200 years of love.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re like the ice cream man at the town park in humid 80-degree heat: everyone wants a piece of you. Be careful who you give licks to.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Take this holiday off just to pamper yourself and relax. Don’t worry about going to all the best BBQs or getting a great tan or finding the best American flag shirt with matching slacks. Even if you just stay in and catch up on all that Tivo’d Frontline you’ve been meaning to watch, that’s patriotic enough. What this has to do with love, we have no clue.

Read the rest of this entry »

Write a Sexy World Cup Haiku, Win $200 to Spend at LELO

June 30th, 2014

Did your male sports fan partner miss the memo about buying you a sex toy before the World Cup? Or did you yourself miss the memo and your partner is now wondering where her pleasure object is? Well, here’s your chance to win $200 to spend at LELO and make amends, no matter who wins the World Cup.

As we reported here recently, men account for four of every five sex toy transactions at LELO.com in the week before a big sporting event. (Normally their transactions are split 50-50, men-women.) And these aren’t male toys the dudes are buying: the purchases are decidedly female in nature. We’re not sure whether this is an evolved form of sexual bribery, but we like the trend about a million times more than that other sports-viewing statistic — the one about the rise in domestic violence after major sporting events. Could it be that vibrators are saving the world?

In honor of this sporting-related upswing in sex toy purchases by men, we are pleased to announce our latest LELO contest: Write a World Cup-themed sexy haiku in the comments section below for a chance to win a $200 gift certificate to LELO! We’ll announce the winner on the day of the World Cup final.

Here are the rules:

1. Post a haiku in the comments section below, or submit via our contact form here – enter as many times as you like! Just remember to follow the 5/7/5 syllable format.

2. Deadline is end of day Friday, July 11th (so we can announce the winner on Sunday, the day of the final!).

3. Bonus points if your haiku mentions LELO or a LELO toy.

4. Even more bonus points if you post your haiku to Facebook or Twitter (don’t forget to let us know if you do this).

5. Automatic disqualification for anything too graphic.

6. You must be 18 or over to enter.

7. When you fill out the comment section below or send us a haiku via our contact form, make sure you include a viable email address (which we will keep private) so we can contact you in case you win.

8. Winners who do not claim their prize by responding to the private email from Em & Lo within seven days forfeit their prize, at which time another best haiku will be chosen.

Happy Haiku-ing! And don’t forget that LELO is currently offering FREE SHIPPING on any order made during the international futbol tournament. Just use code “BRAZIL” at checkout on LELO.com. Finally: Goooooo U.S.A.!

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10 Ways to Sexify Your Gratitude Journal

June 27th, 2014

photo via Flickr

Everyone from Oprah to Real Simple to the guy at Harvard who teaches classes on happiness has talked about gratitude journals — you know, every night you write down, say, five things you were grateful for that day. Could be big things (my wonderful supportive family) or small (Honey Bunches of Oats at midnight).

Sounds too simplistic to make you feel better about your life, right? But if you’ve ever tried it then you know it actually works! So if you have a gratitude journal, great; if not, start one.

Then, make sure you dedicate at least one of the items on your list every day to something sex- or romance-related, to help you feel better about and really appreciate your love life. Here are 10 examples for inspiration:

  1. My Magic Wand
  2. The response I got on online personals today
  3. The delicious homemade dinner my partner cooked for me
  4. Choosing sex over tv
  5. The look on my spouse’s face when I surprised them with a pre-sex massage with Lelo oil
  6. Spontaneous declarations of love from my partner
  7. Organic natural lubricant
  8. My spouse’s inclination to split all house chores down the middle
  9. Discovered a new route to my orgasm!
  10. The adorable dimples my partner gets when s/he smiles

Dream Interpretation: I Keep Finding Babies

June 26th, 2014

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I am 33 years old and in my second marriage. I have 2 boys from my previous marriage and cannot have anymore children. My current husband is quite fine being their dad, and their father is deceased. Sometimes I think I would love to have a little girl.

I keep having a recurring dream several times a month where i find an abandoned baby. The baby has been different races and sexes. In my dream I am very happy and love the baby dearly. I guard the baby because I don’t want anyone to know I have the baby, for fear the person who abandoned it will want it back, or child services will take it away.

The baby is found in very random places (one was under a car in an empty parking lot). In my dream I often get the strong feeling I want to adopt the baby but don’t know how to do it legally without involving other people that may make me lose the baby.

Very curious as to what this dream means. One time in the dream I went to my mom and asked her to have her RN friend forge a birth certificate that she’d seen me give birth to it. I am often filled with fear in my dream that someone will take it back when they know I have the baby. I never STEAL the baby. I FIND it.

Lauri: Babies in dreams are very common, even when one does not want another baby. Remember, dreams do not speak literally but rather symbolically. So the babies you keep dreaming of are not about a new addition to the family but rather a new addition to YOU! A baby is a new life, so in dreams they will represent a new life for the dreamer.

The interesting thing about your baby dreams is that rather than giving birth to the baby, you are finding an abandoned baby. That’s an important detail. So it seems there is some new element to your life — but not an element of your doing, such as writing a book or starting a group, but instead a new element where you may be picking up where someone else left off.

There’s also a lot of legal concern in this dream, which may very well mean there is legal concern over something you want to take on in your real life. If not actual legal concern, then moral concern.

So: What endeavor or idea are you wanting to take on as your own lately? Your dream seems to be saying that, despite your concerns, this endeavor needs you as much as you need it.

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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The Best Kisses from Getty Images, Part 1

June 26th, 2014

When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we were compelled to create a superlative series of Getty “sex” search images. Today’s installment highlights the best kisses — actually, there were so many we had to present them in two installments (stay tuned for Part 2 next week). Mwah!

Question of the Week: Who’s the Hottest World Cup Player?

June 25th, 2014

photo via Flickr

Riots, schmiots — let’s get to what really matters: who’s the hottest World Cup player? Seriously, we want to know. List your top picks in the comments below, even if they’re already out of the running by now. (If we get enough nominations, we’ll run a hot-off in poll-form next week.)

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Amy Schumer Doesn’t Feel Bad About Your Abortion

June 25th, 2014

We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: We fucking love Amy Schumer. She’s spit-your-drink funny and she’s feminist, whether she’s talking about casual sex or body image or fisting… or abortion. On this latter topic she particularly tickles us: We’d always assumed that a good abortion joke was hard to pull off, but Amy Schumer makes it seem as easy as, well, Plan B. She even calls it “aborsh”! Here are our five favorite Amy Schumer abortion jokes:

1. “I have an excuse, actually, why I’ve been drinking so much. I haven’t said this out loud yet — this is exciting — I’m drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody’s being evicted.”

2. [On Her Best Friend's Pregnancy] “I’ll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, ‘You guys, I’m keeping this one.”

3. “It’s a weird age. They’re like, ‘Amy, I’m pregnant.’ And I still don’t know whether to be like, ‘Congratulations,’ or ‘Do you need a ride?’”

4. “There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her — because the kid can tell.”

And yes, yes, we know that Plan B is not an abortion, but “4 quotes about abortion and one about the morning after pill” just didn’t have the same ring to it…

5. “You feel like such a dirty whore buying Plan B. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask your pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, I’m like, you see where my eyeliner is, just give it to me.”

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Wise Guys: Is It Really Such a Big Deal If I Hate Giving Blowjobs?

June 24th, 2014

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “I really hate going down on guys. I’ve tried it, I don’t like it. In fact, I loathe it. I feel bad about it, but if I don’t expect oral in return (I don’t), then why should I feel compelled to do something I don’t enjoy?”

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Really there is no guy that should expect oral. It’s totally up to you what you feel comfortable with sexually and we’ll enjoy what you want to do. If you see it as a tit-for-tat deal and you’re not asking for anything, then you’re right, you shouldn’t feel compelled to return a favor you’re not receiving. As long as you’re upfront with your feelings on oral, then everything is okay. My only thought is that for the people we really care about, sometimes we do things we don’t necessarily enjoy just to make them feel good, to make them feel sexy, to make them feel special — and sometimes just to get them off. I don’t think you should feel obligated to be going downtown all the time like you’re Petula Clark or something, but don’t hurry to rule it out for good. It can be something special you pull out of your sexual toolkit only for true knights in shining armor.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): This is a tough one. I’d say it’s a very rare guy who isn’t going to want at least the occasional blowjob. I’ve actually never met one of these mythical creatures. Even if they do exist, how would you go about finding one? A personal ad title like “Must NOT Want Blowjobs” would probably result in crickets chirping in your empty inbox. So that leaves you with waiting until you’re at the point of discussing sexual details with a prospective partner to bring the topic up. Most guys aren’t going to be thrilled with your take on the matter, but sooner or later, maybe you’ll find a guy who doesn’t think blowjobs are all that great. But wouldn’t giving the occasional (special occasion) blowjob be a little easier than banking on these super longshot odds? I think so, but then I’m a guy. And like pretty much all guys, I’d seriously consider giving up food, water and shelter before blowjobs.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): If you don’t like going down on guys, there’s absolutely no reason you should feel compelled to do so.  However, there’s also absolutely no reason a guy should feel compelled to keep dating you if you won’t go down on him.  You just have to find somebody who gets his kicks in other ways. The pool will be much smaller, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t, um, fish to be had.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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