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Your Call: How to Tell Your Husband It’s Okay to Ravish You (a Little)

May 4th, 2015

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I’m just about as open as u can get when it comes 2 sex w/ my husband. I’m the one pushing toys, anal play . . . I’ve noticed that it turns him on when I say “ouch” or “please.” His arm creeps around my neck and I go w/ it, biting him, feeble “faux” struggling.

I trust him.¬†How can I tell him that it’s ok if he likes to fantasize about these things? I wouldn’t mind a little pain at the right moment, but he has 2 learn when I’m ready.¬†I was raped and I think he is afraid of pulling that up but we’ve been together 15+years (since 16) & I know he will never do anything I don’t want him to.

I love it when he pulls my hair/bites my neck/shoulder.¬†So how do I bring this up so we can set up cues 4 when I’m ready and when it’s 2 much?

– Take Me

What should T.M. say to her husband? Leave advice for her in the comments section below.

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What Is the PS-Spot and How Can I Enjoy It?

May 1st, 2015

photo via flickr

Unless you’ve been living in a cave, you know exactly what the G-spot is, and you probably know where it is, too — an area on the front wall of the vagina a few inches in that, when stimulated, can result in extreme pleasure, explosive orgasms, and even female ejaculation‚Ķwell, at least for some women (quite a few don’t like theirs even looked at!). Thanks to a number of studies on the anatomy and sexual response of this area over the past few decades, the G-spot has become the It Girl of female sexuality.

But what about the PS-spot? The PS-who?

That’s exactly the reaction we got when we asked a group of sexually sophisticated women and their partners about this area opposite the G-spot: “Never heard of it”, and “The G-spot is hard enough to find, let alone something with 2 letters”, and “Is that similar to treacle sponge?” If the G-spot is the It Girl, the PS-spot is its red-headed step-sister. So here’s some info to help you get to know her better, because she can really be quite nice:

  1. What the PS-spot is exactly:¬†The PS stands for perineal sponge, which lies between the vagina and rectum, just beneath the perineum (that band of skin between the vaginal opening and the anus). The perineal sponge is a mass of erectile tissue, which means that when it’s stimulated, it fills with blood and becomes engorged, just like a man’s penis and a woman’s clitoris do during arousal.
  2. Why you’ve never heard of the PS-spot:¬†Willful ignorance has been a long-standing tradition when it comes to female sexuality. Women were once considered practically asexual, encouraged just to lie back and think of England. Then Freud nearly ruined the clitoris for us, suggesting that orgasms gained from its stimulation were somehow “immature”. And even today there are some doctors who question the existence of the G-spot. There’s just been very little research on pleasure-related issues for women, especially those connected to the perineal sponge.
  3. How to stimulate the PS-spot:¬†The best way to stimulate the PS-spot is with a finger(s) or a curved sex toy ‚Äď just as is the case with the G-spot, except you apply pressure in the opposite direction (i.e. on the back lower wall of the vagina). You can also stimulate it via the perineum (pushing up) or the anus (gently pushing toward the front of the body). If you want to try getting at it during intercourse, you could try positions that direct the penis/phallus toward your back wall, such as missionary or woman-on-top with your torsos pressed together — basically, the opposite of what works best for targeting the G-spot, which is doggy style.
  4. What the PS-spot may feel like: Women who like this area stimulated have reported various results: reaching orgasm from its stimulation alone, enhancement of other kinds of stimulation,  the extending or intensifying of orgasm, reaching orgasm quicker.
  5. Why you shouldn’t get¬†too¬†excited about the PS-spot:¬†Whether you’re looking for the G-spot or the PS-spot, there’s definitely no guarantee that either will feel good to you. And that’s okay. It’s good just to know that these spots are a natural part of your anatomy there to be explored. If you happen to be one of those women for whom the G-spot isn’t the holy grail, then maybe the PS-spot will do it for you. If not, don’t worry — there are always other spots to try, whether they have their own catchy term yet or not. When you find one you like, name it after your own initials!

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5 Signs Your Jealousy Is Out of Control

April 30th, 2015


Kim Olver for Your Tango | Photo via Flickr

Extreme jealousy is one of the most destructive things in a relationship. Engaging in jealous behaviors and suspicions is not cute. It does not let your significant other know you really care.

And it definitely will not strengthen your relationship.

An occasional, mildly jealous episode might actually heighten the interest in your relationship but chronic, pathological jealousy is like a cancer that will destroy any loving feelings that exist in your relationship.

With that in mind, here are five signs you are a jealous mess:

1. His phone habits upset you.¬†Whenever your partner doesn’t answer the telephone while in your presence, you wonder if it could be a lover.

2. His social media habits scare you. Whenever your partner has a new friend on Facebook, you go to the friend’s page to check out your competition.

3.¬†You stalk him.¬†You find yourself driving by your loved one’s job, home or places you know him/her to frequent, thinking you’ll find some incriminating evidence.

4. You’re mistrustful of new people.¬†Every time your loved one introduces you to someone new, you closely watch them for any sign of¬†attraction¬†and later grill your significant other about their relationship.

5. You snoop.¬†Whenever you get the opportunity, you are checking your loved one’s phone and/or email for signs he/she may be involved with someone else.

If this describes you, your relationship is in big trouble! It’s time for some introspection and to make some changes.

Is this the person you really want to be? Does your partner deserve your trust and respect? If so, then extend those courtesies. If not, and your partner has given you multiple reasons not to trust him/her, ask yourself why you are still in a relationship with a person you cannot trust?

People who are a jealous mess choose these jealous behaviors as their best attempt to get what they want. Typically what jealous people want is for their partner to have no romantic interest in other people.

If you are a jealous mess, ask yourself the question, Is my behavior really causing my partner to want to be with me exclusively?  When you honestly look at your behavior, you are going to have to admit that everything you are doing is pushing your loved one right into the arms of an understanding, non-jealous person.

Do you think your behavior is attractive? Do you actually believe that engaging in this crazy behavior will keep your partner devoted to you, and only you, for the rest of your life?

When you actually take the time to honestly answer those questions, you know what you are doing isn’t helping your cause.

So now what? It’s time to understand that you, and only you, are in charge of your behavior. When you feel compelled to engage in behavior you know is destructive, it is because you are having thoughts that lead to feelings that generate the destructive behavior. The place in that cycle where you have the most control is your thinking.

Next time you begin to feel jealous, ask yourself, What am I thinking right now that is creating these feelings of jealousy? Is what I’m thinking true? Is it really true? How do I know? What evidence is there to indisputably support this story I’m telling myself? What other story could I invent that would create loving feelings instead? What thoughts could I think that will lead to trust? What thoughts will help me be the person I really want to be in this relationship?

Change your story, change your life. Stop being a victim of repetitive behavior as if you have no control. The only person who can change this perpetuating cycle is you. So choose something different today!

This article¬†originally¬†appeared on YourTango. Check out Kim Olver’s book,¬†Secrets of Happy Couples, for tips on what to do when you are a jealous mess. She talks about the four roots of jealousy and what to do about them.

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Wedding Gift Idea: Intimate Art Kit

April 30th, 2015

This has been around for a few years, but the unique product launching site¬†The Grommet just re-featured it in a recent newsletter: The Love Is Art Kit¬†–¬†a way for couples to make abstract art with their naked bodies while they get it on. Jeremy Brown, the South African-born artist who’s created the kit, has been making paintings while doing the dirty for over a decade — he nicked got the idea from French artist Yves Klein who used to have human models covered in paint roll around on his canvases back in the 1960s. When a friend of Brown’s asked him how she could make one for her husband, he came up with the kit.

Sure, it’s a bit corny, but a frame can elevate anything. Plus, don’t you think it could be worth it simply for the fun you’d have coming up with titles: The¬†Moana Lisa, The Persistence of Mammaries, The Birth of Penis, A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Juggs, Whistler’s Mother Fucker, Nudes Sitting on a Canvas, Girl with a Pearl Necklace, Dog Playing Poke-Her…we could go on and on.

For $60 (and up), the kit includes:

  • 8′ x 12′ plastic tarp to protect surfaces from paint splashes
  • 3.5′ x 4.5′ specially treated cotton canvas
  • 4 oz bottle of specially formulated all natural, organic, non-toxic, washable paint
  • Two pairs of disposable slippers to get you from the canvas to the shower
  • Soft mesh body scrubber

Here are the instructions:

  • Roll the plastic sheet out onto the floor.
  • Place the specially treated canvas on top of the plastic sheet.
  • Pour the 4oz of specially formulated paint onto the canvas, and then use your bodies to move the paint around and across the canvas to a unique abstract image.
  • Throw the disposable slippers on and walk to the shower or bath to wash each other.
  • After your one of a kind abstract painting has dried, simply take the canvas to your local art store and have it stretched onto a frame.

You could call yourself Passion Pollock for a day!

 

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Comment of the Week: 4 Ways Men Can Seem Taller

April 29th, 2015

photo of Kevin Hart via Flickr

In response to a question from a reader¬†this week about a study saying women are only attracted to men 6 feet tall and up, Johnny — one of our MVP commenters — propped him up pretty perfectly:

HA! Bullshit.

Short guy here, reporting that I’ve always done just fine. If you’ve got a thing for tall women you’re mostly out of luck, sorry to say, but other than that, don’t worry about it.

Most women just want a guy who’s taller than them. Many will make an exception for a guy who’s the same height as them. Occasionally a short guy even winds up with a taller woman.

I mean, I’m not one to console myself with delusion: it’s not ideal to be short. Taller is better in female eyes. But what are you gonna do, roll over and die? Join a monastery and swear off women?

Here’s what you do to compensate for being short:

  1. Stand up straight. Don’t exaggerate or puff up or anything, but good posture helps.
  2. Mind the aspects of your appearance that you can control. Shower, get hair cuts, wear clean well-fitting clothes, etc.
  3. Hit the gym. Being tubby in the middle makes you look shorter.
  4. Smile, be open and friendly and flirtatious.

That’s my method.

Johnny

 
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What Guys Really Think About Your Small Boobs

April 28th, 2015

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “I think my boobs are too small — slightly pudgy guys have bigger boobs than me! Should I get a boob job?”

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Gut response: No. Even though god knows how many Americans have some kind of body-image hangup, I don’t think “society” is shaming those pudgy guys into getting lipo on their manboobs in order to look more attractive to women. That said, if you think the pain and possible health risks associated with surgery and/or implants are worth it — if you really think it would improve your self-esteem, and you’ve exhausted all other options toward that end — it’s your decision. Anyone who tells you that you “should” get a boob job is either a creep or a plastic surgeon or an editor at Us Weekly magazine (the latter of which will be the first to mock your new rack for looking fake). I have friends who have had minor work done — breasts (adding and subtracting), eyes, nose, thighs, tummy — and they’ve all been pleased with the results. Obviously, if you do decide to go through with it, find a reputable doctor, and don’t go overboard with ridiculous porn-star balloons that are out of proportion with the rest of your body.

Straight Single Guy (Max): It kills me not to automatically say “Don’t do it!”, but I think it actually depends on a couple of things. Confidence, as you know, matters more than most factors when it comes to attraction. If you can’t talk to a guy because you’re too self conscious about the size of your boobs, then you need to do something. But plastic surgery might not be the answer. Boobs, as I and most guys see them, are always and only bonuses. If a girl has nice boobs, that’s great. But I’m not going to see a girl and think “Man, if she only had bigger boobs…” That’s just stupid. (If, however, this is the kind of guy you want, then by all means, get a boob job.) Personally, I think fake boobs are gross. I believe that most guys agree, no matter how much porn would have you believe otherwise. But again, you gotta do what makes you feel sexy. (Oh, and please don’t compare yourself to pudgy guys. That’s the first step in gaining a little self confidence.)

Straight Married Guy (Ben): My wife’s boobs have changed sooo much over the course of our relationship — from tiny to a handful to size F after our baby was born (we didn’t even know they made size F!) and then back to C. Each step of the way I’ve been right there enjoying them. It’s actually been one of the most amazing things about her body. That’s not to say your boobs are one day going to blossom or grow, but what’s made my wife’s body so immensely pleasurable for me and for her is her own comfort and confidence with it. Sexy does not equal boob size. Sexy equals feeling good and being confident in yourself and your sexuality. I say, learn to rock those nubs! You can always get the surgery later. Or have a baby.

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Our ‚Äúwise guys‚ÄĚ are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England.¬†To ask the guys your own question, click here.

photo via Wikimedia Commons

Favorite Podcast: Love + Radio

April 28th, 2015

photo of Ceara Lynch via Love + Radio

Ever since Serial, we’ve been looking for a new podcast addiction. And we’ve finally found it in Love + Radio, a podcast from PRX’s¬†Radiotopia.fm, which describes itself as “a collective of the best story-driven shows on the planet.” The stories that drive “Love + Radio” are compelling, quirky and often R-rated.

The most famous episode has to be “Jack & Ellen,” about a young lesbian woman who hated her job at Subway as a “sandwich artist” so much, she turned to a “creative” project that could earn her $30K for a few hours of work each week: pedo-baiting, i.e. posing as an underage girl online in order to blackmail pedophiles into buying her $500 Amazon gift cards.

 

The next one we listened to was the most recent — “Thank You, Princess” — which takes you behind the scenes of a successful fem dom’s operation, including eavesdropping on one paying customer’s over-the-phone humiliation. You’ll want to cover your ears, it’s so cringe-inducing, but you won’t be able to stop listening!

 

As if our sex-writing divining rod were leading the way, we listened to “Dirty Balloons” next, the story of one young woman’s one-time experience making balloon-fetish porn. The repetitive audio ending to this one is one of the best indictments of pornography we’ve ever (literally) heard.

 

They’re not all about sex, but even the emotionally powerful episode called “The Living Room,” about one man’s death, deals with nudity, exhibitionism, and voyeurism. We haven’t listened to enough of them to discern a consistent theme beyond personal stories told with aural flair (and swear words), but we were struck by the theme uniting the three sex-related episodes we happened to listen to first: all of them focused on young women who needed money, didn’t want to work minimum wage jobs, and turned to some variation of sex work catering to male heterosexuals with particular obsessions, to use the term loosely (pedophilia, humiliation, balloon popping). As compelling as the above three episodes are, they paint a pretty depressing picture of the economic opportunities that young women have (or should we say, don’t have) these days.

We know, we know: that’s precious coming from two women who run a sex-advice blog for a living. But the sense you get from the three women interviewed is that none of them particularly enjoy (or enjoyed) their experiences: the humiliatrix doesn’t get off on it, the balloon virgin faked her way through it, and the con woman feels pretty bad about the whole thing. Besides feeling like we needed to take a shower afterwards, we came away from these podcasts feeling even more sure than ever that the minimum wage definitely needs¬†to be raised.

 

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Understanding Bruce Jenner as a Genderbread Person

April 28th, 2015

This past Friday, Diane Sawyer interviewed Bruce Jenner for 20/20, and she received rave reviews for her respectful approach to the topic of transgenderism. It was a refreshing conversation, especially after so many months of tabloid headlines about what Jenner looks like in a dress, and whether or not Jenner will keep his* penis. In fact, 20/20 announced, via Twitter, that “genitals don‚Äôt equal gender.” The 20/20 special also went to great pains to ensure they weren’t equating gender identity with sexual orientation. None of which should come as breaking news to a lot of people, though it probably does.

Of course, one sensitive interview with one reporter taking time to actually listen can’t change transgender stereotypes overnight. We’re sure plenty of people — including, perhaps, your parents — are still rolling their eyes over the whole thing. So it seems as good a time as any to revisit the awesome Genderbread Person illustration, now in a fancy-pants 3.2 version (see above). FYI, the 3.2 version now separates romantic and sexual attraction.

For anyone who still claims not to “get” transgenderism, show them the above illustration, courtesy of ItsPronouncedMetrosexual.com. For suggested talking points, the original Genderbread blog post here and the 3.0 blog post here might help. It’s an amazingly simple, astonishingly effective illustration, in our experience. To break it down: Bruce Jenner’s biological sex (the purple bit) is male. His identity (the brain bit) is female. And, gradually, over the coming months and years, his expression (the dotted line) is likely to become increasingly feminine. All of which is completely unrelated to the red heart — who he is romantically and sexually attracted to. Simple, right? Something even a fifth grader could understand.

And if, after all this, someone still doesn’t “get it”? Eh, we guess not everyone can be smarter than a fifth grader.

* Bruce Jenner has yet to announce a female name, or to request that he be referred to as she. As soon as that happens, we will switch over.

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Why Everyone Needs a Rhymes-with-Bucket List

April 27th, 2015


photo via Wikimedia Commons

Our favorite part of President Obama’s monologue at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner monologue on Saturday night was this: “I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left. After the midterm elections, my advisors asked me ‘Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?’ And I said, ‚ÄúWell, I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’¬†Take executive action on immigration. Bucket.¬†New climate regulations. Bucket. It‚Äôs the right thing to do.”

Which got us thinking: Everyone needs a rhymes-with-bucket list! Because bucket lists themselves can be kind of intimidating. All those things you have to do. Man, it’s exhausting. And as the years pass and you fail to check off a single item? That bucket list can start to make you feel like crap when you get out of bed in the morning. It can taunt you a little.

Not so the rhymes-with-bucket list, however! Rhymes-with-bucket is meant to make your life easier. Here are ten items to kick off your very own¬†rhymes-with-bucket list. Add to it whenever the “bucket” mood strikes you…

1. Don’t have Gisele’s body? Bucket! Love the skin you’re in, even the bits that have stretch marks and funny-shaped birthmarks. Because confidence is sexier than self-loathing any day of the week. (Related: ¬†Can’t pull off skinny jeans? Bucket! Remember when boot-cut jeans were trendy and women everywhere gave thanks because pretty much anyone can look good in boot cut? And then the fashion gods decreed that skinny was in — because, duh, fashion people are skinny. How mean girl is that? We think you should wear them — and your muffin top — with pride… or, if you prefer, go full nineties in your boot cuts. Because who cares what cut your jeans are? Like 0.000001% of the population, that’s who.)

2. Feel like a woman inside? Bucket! Think like a genderbread person, just like Bruce Jenner did. Because the genitals you were born with do not have to define you.

3. Don’t feel like “doing brunch”? Bucket!¬†Because this awesome SNL parody of the Sara Bareilles song “Brave” says so.

4. Can’t handle casual sex? Bucket! Just because all the cool kids are doing it, doesn’t mean you have to jump on the booty calling bandwagon. If you prefer sex in the content of a long-term, loving, committed relationship, then speak up… and keep your legs closed and/or your pants zipped until you get a response you like. Because we say so!

5. Want to discuss a major plot-spoiling aspect of your favorite TV show on Twitter right now? Bucket! Because discussing things right as they happen is kind of the whole point of Twitter, isn’t it? Also because¬†that same¬†SNL parody¬†says so. In fact, it’s kind of the national anthem of the rhymes-with-bucket list, in our opinion.

6. Can’t keep up with world events in the news? Bucket! Just subscribe to the Daily Skimm.¬†Because we do, and now we don’t have to pretend to know what everyone else is talking about.

7. Can’t stand your spouse? Bucket! Get a divorce. Because we’re like 99.9999999% certain you won’t go to hell for it.

8. Feel like getting a little kinky tonight? Bucket! Just say something. Because communication is the cornerstone of good sex. And if you never ask, you’ll never know whether your partner’s up for it.

9. Not in the mood? Bucket! Don’t have sex. Just because your sister does it four times a week and Cosmopolitan magazine says you should do it five times a week and your parents are still doing it and TV commercials make it seem like even eating salad dressing gives you an orgasm — doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you if you don’t feel like having sex all the time. Because whether you feel like getting tied up and spanked, or you’re more in the mood for some platonic cuddling tonight — you make your own normal.

10. Want to get married/pay for dinner/ask someone out/get laid/get a raise/stay home with the kids? Bucket! Just ask, already, no matter whether it’s supposed to be the man’s or woman’s job to do so. Because it’s 2015, people. Duh.

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