Last week we covered the best love lessons that people could learn from Sundance Festival movies. But kids are people, too — people with raging hormones and tendencies toward the melodramatic and a whole hell of a lot of ignorance thanks to abstinence-only education. So this week we’re looking at the best movies for romantic advice for the after-school-special set:
- Adventureland: Sex in a car is never as private as you think it is. Neither is sex with a married man.
- American Teen: When you’re in the cool clique in high school, life is totally like a chick flick. Even when you’re not cool, life is still sometimes like a chick flick. But in real life, the jock is always going to dump the rebel punk filmmaker for the ditzy cheerleader. Bring on college!
- Towelhead: The world would be a much better place if all pubescent girls were given a vulva puppet to love and cherish, a box of tampons, and a copy of Are We Having Fun Yet: The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Sex.
- An Education: A romantic weekend in Paris is much better with a peer who owns a bicycle than with a mentor who drives a cool, fast car.
- Saved! In the entire history of human beings, no gay man has ever been “turned straight” by being seduced by a woman (even when that woman has Jesus on her side). And remember, even though you’re gay, you can still get her pregnant. Oh, and if you don’t want your mom to find your stash of gay porn, then find a better hiding place than under your bed. Jeez.