Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: Back-to-School Edition

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Your hormones are raging, you feel like you’re the last virgin on earth, and you just want someone to listen to Depeche Mode cassettes, write bad poetry and fall in love with. So you muster the courage to go to the kegger in the woods and try to fit in without […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: Random-Old-TNT-Movies Edition

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Mystic Pizza: While Runaway Bride is clearly a classic, we tend to favor the 1988 Mystic Pizza when it comes to Julia Roberts flicks. Big hair, long earrings, one-shouldered dresses, Julia’s butt (pre-personal trainer), Matt Damon’s bit-part — what’s not to love? Julia may have been a waitress in a small-town pizza […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: August 17th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Someone you have a crush on is going to poop on you, just like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But don’t let it get you down: there are plenty of dogs in the sea who’ve been potty trained. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) This week, stop talking, start doing. ‘Nuff said. gemini […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: August 10th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You will get laid. Well and often. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Talk to the crotch ’cause the face ain’t listening. gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Do not go to the Olive Garden this week. cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd) If your partner won’t dress up like a Catholic School nun and spank your […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: August 3rd, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) The chance of reuniting with someone from your past or getting together with someone at your work this week is, like, huge. Huge. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Here’s your problem: You’re such a wuss! Here’s your solution: Make the damn call already. You may be pleasantly surprised. And even if you’re not, […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: July 20th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You’ve got a secret horoscope this week, aries. In order to decode this very important message, you’ve got to crack the code. Hint: take one step back and two steps forward. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Of course, you should never rule […]

Your 4th of July Weekend Horoscopes

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) It’s time to sign your own Declaration of Independence: You are better off being friends with everyone for now until you […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: June 29th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) If you’re not with someone who’s got their head in the game (or at least between your thighs), start thinking about trading players. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) It’s probably best to avoid slipping some Spanish Fly into your partner’s cocktail, attempting stealth hypnosis, or tying them to your bedpost in the […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: June 15th, 2015

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) The time to take action is now, but don’t do it with force — use your head. Your ability to be […]

Your Weekly Horoscopes: June 8th, 2015

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You’ve got more pep than a Mountain Dew commercial, and this week, everyone’s going to want to do the Dew. If […]