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Tag Archive | "Horoscopes"
Your Valentine Horoscopes: 02-06-12
photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) This week your love life is like a box of chocolates. All you have to do is pick one. Just be sure to avoid the ones filled with orange creams — they always suck. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) During a week when it seems like half the [...]
Continue reading...Your Weekly Horoscopes: 01-30-12
Monday, January 30, 2012
photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) No couch potato-ing it this week. Get off your bum and shake that ass. Think about sex globally, act locally. The more situations you put yourself in where you could accidentally bump into someone now, the more likely you are to bump uglies later. taurus (Apr. 21st-May [...]
Continue reading...Your Weekly Horoscopes: 01-23-12
Monday, January 23, 2012
photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Aren’t you Mr(s) Popular? Everyone will want to spend time with you this week. What, did you win the lottery or finally get that penis implant/boob jobbie? No, no, of course, it’s your loving nature that draws the crowds. So spread the love. Just wear rubber gloves. [...]
Continue reading...Your Weekly Horoscopes: 01-16-12
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Don’t let your genitals do the decision making this week. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) How do you expect your partner know where you stand when you keep moving around the chessboard of love without following any of the rules? Don’t rush, take turns making moves, and don’t [...]
Continue reading...Your Weekly Horoscopes: 01-09-12
Monday, January 9, 2012
photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) A reader wrote in recently complaining that the Aries horoscopes are always lame. Well, we can’t control the stars but we can try to be nicer. Unfortunately, it ain’t gonna happen this week. The stars say you should keep your trap shut and your eyes open and [...]
Continue reading...Your Weekly Horoscopes: 01-02-12
Monday, January 2, 2012
photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You know how sometimes you go all out to impress someone — candle-lit meal, “seductive” music, fine wine, edible underwear — and they show up all drunk and could give two shits? Sucks, doesn’t it? Fortunately, this week your efforts will be appreciated. Though you might want [...]
Continue reading...Astrological New Year’s Resolutions: 12-26-11
Monday, December 26, 2011
photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) The stars say that you’ll find your groove this week. Your New Year’s resolution: Make sure you’ve got a fabulous party to attend and aren’t wasting all that grooviness on dancing with yourself. Oh, oh, oh, oh, dancing with yourself. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) The stars can [...]
Continue reading...Your Holiday Horoscopes: A Caroling Tradition
Monday, December 19, 2011
Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, nothing is sacred, as we take traditional Christmas carols and turn them into sex advice. Merry Xmas to you! aries (Mar. [...]
Continue reading...Your Weekly Horoscopes: The Road Sign Edition
Monday, December 12, 2011
Years ago, while driving around San Diego on a book tour, we saw what to us was the craziest road sign: the black silhouettes of two adults running for their lives, dragging a youngster behind them, all on a yellow, rectangular background. You don’t get many of those in the Northeast. (Though maybe you yanks [...]
Continue reading...Your Weekly Horoscopes: 12-05-11
Monday, December 5, 2011
photo by Simply Schmoopie Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You will be loud, obnoxious and a little erratic this week — [...]
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Monday, February 6, 2012
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