The Virgin Diaries: The Top 10 Cons of Virginity
Our contributor Katherine Chen, once an English major at Princeton University (check out her personal site here), penned a series of confessions for EMandLO.com collectively called “The Virgin Diaries.” Here’s her 9th installment. Her previous one is Top 10 PROS of Virginity:
- Giving the objective, outsider perspective on sex and relationships to friends also means being the outsider when they are sharing their sexual experiences.
- The longer I put off having sex, the more paranoid I get about the negative consequences (pregnancy, STDs, heartbreak), despite the fact that there are so many preventative measures available.
- Porn and erotic literature can only go so far in satisfying your sexual fantasies before both become redundant and even boring.
- Being a virgin is still equated these days with being a prude, which is not who I am at all.
- While I’m glad my parents and relatives are pleased with my decision to remain a virgin, I hate how being a virgin binds me to a corresponding set of values, some of which I don’t even uphold.
- While I’ve avoided all the pitfalls of sex, I’ve never experienced its joys either: the fun of dating, the thrill of passion, the intimacy of connecting with another human being.
- Masturbation can’t get nearly as creative or varied as actual partner sex.
- While I would love to say that hundreds of men have tried to bed me in the past, I actually haven’t received even one invitation, which hasn’t exactly boosted my self-esteem; and having low self-esteem doesn’t improve my chances of attracting someone — it’s a vicious circle. So the possibility I’m going to turn into Steve Carell’s character from “The 40 Year Old Virgin” becomes ever more real — which is just depressing.
- For better or for worse, being the typical “chaste virgin” in this society doesn’t hold as much weight as it used to (except for maybe in horror movies).
- Needless to say, with all this pent-up sexual energy, I get frustrated. Sometimes I would just like to unleash my inner beast with someone but I have no outlet (at least not ones that I can feel good about).
*Sorry, that should read “and it implies they lack the imagination…”
@C.Anderson: ‘Virgin’ doesn’t necessarily equate to ‘innocent’, a point that Katherine herself made. Your analogy is offensive to anyone who chooses not to participate in PIV intercourse, but who still has a rich sex life, or lacks the imagination and empathy necessary to discuss something they’ve no experience with- being a girl, I’ve never been kicked in the balls, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wince in sympathy if I ever see it happen to a guy.
No profound insight to offer, merely to say that I understand, and empathise. I haven’t (yet) read the rest of your posts, so I don’t know the reason for your choice, or if it is a choice at all, or the result of circumstance.
The general assumption seems to be that in today’s society, sex is available, with or without emotional involvement, if you want it. Perhaps for many it is, but I have found this assumption to be untrue. Perhaps my personality and personal style are to blame – like you, neither is prudish – but also like you, I have not found offers on every corner. I have now come not to expect invitations, to the extent that on the one occasion a sexual encounter was offered to me, in an only moderately subtle way, I genuinely didn’t realise what was on the table, and turned the man in question down for both what he was ostensibly and implicity offering.
Whether or not I would have accepted had I realised is a moot point, but I do understand your feelings of concern and depression. I would assume from your biog that I’m a few years older than you, so in best ‘big-sister mode’: As futile as hope sometimes seems, we simply have to keep the faith that one day the right person, the right time, the right situation will appear. I’m not saying don’t seek it out – it’s far less likely to happen if we hibernate and wallow, but try, hard as it is, not to add to the pressure on yourself – society, it’s expectations, and the sometimes unthinking comments of friends will do that more than well enough for you.
Katherine, just because men haven’t offered to sleep with you doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t. This was a tough point for me to get over too.
I just realized that men won’t usually come out and say it. They don’t like getting slapped 🙂
And I agree with point 4. Actually, not telling people about your v-card can help a lot.
I understand all kinds of reasons for wanting to be a virgin. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21 and TOTALLY ready. Thanks to a semi-religious and highly-conservative (in regards to those kinds of values only, really) upbringing, I viewed sex as a bad thing, and people who had it as being dirty somehow. But eventually I got over it and realized I wanted to do it, I met the right guy, everything clicked, and sex is awesome. Also, my first time was totally great and painless, probably due to masturbation/foolin’ around before we did it.
Anyway, you are missing out on one of the best parts about life. You can have sex with someone you’re not in love with and still enjoy it. Sex is great. If you’re ready, don’t wait around for someone to pick you.
Lily
“some of us are strong enough to wait until its the right moment with the right person.”
Interesting – so those of us who embrace life and all its wonderful and varied aspects, including sex (good, bad and mediocre), including having sex with the right person at the wrong moment or having sex with the wrong person at the right moment are suddenly weak ?
Maybe we are somehow deficient in certain things – moral fiber ? Decency ?
How wonderfully judgemental of you and since you are a self-professed virgin, I must ask…how the hell do you know ?
How do you really know what you have been missing? How can you say anything about sex when you cling on the the very status that by definition practically disqualifies you from being able to talk about sex….except for the “I am not having any…” part.
Some people have bad experiences with seafood – does this mean they stay away from all fish? Do they stop eating altogether? Do they somehow disparage and denigrate those who do enjoy seafood and call them weak for indulging?
I find that debating sex with virgins is like debating color TV with the blind and usually I don’t say anything and leave them in the dark, but sometimes I just have to speak out.
This apparently was one of them.
This article is great! Personally I’m 19 and a virgin and I totally relate to everything that is mentioned here. From the family, social, and personal aspects.
And like lali perfetly said, its not that I don’t want to have sex its just that some of us are strong enough to wait until its the right moment with the right person.
This is a very smart read and I totally understand!
Rivly
I don’t think she made it out to be a horrible thing. She wrote an article on the pros of being a virgin too. I think it was just her point of view, of the things that she feels she’s missing out because of being a virgin.
Also, wanting to have sex and actually having sex are completely different things. In my case, I’m a virgin too, it’s not that I don’t want to have sex ’till I’m married or that I don’t want to have sex right now. I just don’t want to have sex with just anyone, or have sex “just because”. Maybe it’s the same thing for her. I want to have sex but I’m not about to force this situation just because I’m the last virgin of my social circle, or because sometimes number 7 really makes me wonder.
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Some of my friends have treated virginity as something they just really wanted to get rid off, as soon as possible. And I can see how they regret it to an extent. Me, I’m not expecting my first to be a perfectly choreographed Hollywood movie scene, but I want it to NOT be something I regret. Just a gateway for an awesome second, third, fourth,… Still, there are sometimes that it just sucks to be a virgin.
What is this? This is stupid if you wanna have sex do it! Just dont be touchy feely about it and cry when the guy doesnt call u back. Thats why Im waiting until marriage duh! And if u want to wait then do it, yeah u’ll get those sexual pangs once in a while but u’ll get over it. If u have to masturbate then thats ur business, of course I dont but live ur freakin life u only get one. But dont u people make being a virgin sound so horrible its not! I’ve beeen doing it for 19 years and its the best decision Ive ever made. Im able to weed out all the douchebags by doing this and only date the serious ones! Im offended by this article.
Most of these make some sense. But, for Number 8. You can’t sit around and wait for “a man to choose you.” You have to actively be assertive in going out and getting what you want.
There’s an art to it, sure. But, the more you exercise your assertiveness with men (or whoever your partner will be) the better you get at it.
The fear of being “turned down” never got anyone anything they wanted.
Take a chance. Please. I think you may be pleasantly surprised.
Once you turn 25 it just becomes awkward and embarrassing to be a virgin…at least for me.
Yes. So much truth here. You have just described my life.
I think you miss something in live. And that is not something for your parents to be proud of.