Earlier today we imagined a 2014 remake of The Breakfast Club (and, yes, just the thought of this horrifies us, too!). As we took a trip down memory lane, calling up some of our favorite lines from the movie — still verbatim: no wonder we have trouble remembering who’s president of Iraq these days — we realized just how much excellent love and sex advice there is in there.
Here are some of our favorite life lessons culled from the movie:
1. You Don’t Have to Tell Anyone If You’ve Had Sex Yet
And anyone who pressures you into talking about this subject or calls you a tease and/or slut is probably hiding something (or else just an asshole).
2. …And If You Lie About Having Sex, Everyone Will Know You’re Lying
Especially if the object of your cherry-popping conveniently lives in some far-flung vacation destination.
3. “When You Grow Up, Your Heart Dies”
Ah, just kidding. It just feels this way sometimes in high school. And then the popular girl gives you a makeover or the cute jock kisses you and all of a sudden you hear birds singing and you realize that being goth was just a phase you were going through.
4. Taping Someone’s Buns Together Really Hurts
So if you’re thinking of doing this in bed, you better really like pain.
5. Giving Away Your Diamond Earrings Means It’s Love
Because love is stronger than diamonds! And just in case you didn’t get this from The Breakfast Club, then Some Kind of Wonderful hammers the point home, too.
6. Dating a Bad Boy Will Really Piss Off Your Parents
Especially when they find out you gave him your diamond earrings that were a sweet sixteen birthday present!
7. Math and Physics Clubs Are Terrible Places to Find a Date
Sure, they’re sorta social. But they’re demented and sad, too, remember?
8. Stupid Pet Tricks Are for Pets, Not People
Nobody really wants to see you apply lipstick by holding it between your boobs. Or if they do, they’re probably not the person you really wanted to impress.
9. High School Sucks for the Really Cool Kids
We’re pretty sure that dating in high school (or hooking up, or whatever the kids call it these days) is a lot more like the opening of this movie than the close of it. In other words, the chances of you getting stoned with a jock, a nerd, a criminal, a basket case, and a princess — and making out with one of them — are slim to none. But, hey, at least it gets better!
10. You Are Not Your Label
Whether you’re seventeen or seventy, there will always be someone who wants to reduce you to a tag: jock, princess, nerd, mom, feminist, bitch, playa, prude, careerist, leftist, buddhist, whatever. Don’t buy into it! This is the age of Twitter, after all: You can hashtag yourself however (and however many times) you damn well please.