Last night’s episode of The Bachelor saw the first of the dreaded group dates — harem outings in which contestants are forced to humiliate themselves publicly while often scantily clad or even naked. Think city-street tractor-racing in bikinis, or mud wrestling. People with stage fright, body self-consciousness or healthy self-respect usually have a difficult time on these experiments in mass self-immolation. The ones who thrive are usually the sociopaths, as last night’s first group date confirmed.
The clear frontrunner in personality disorders is, of course, Corinne, a.k.a. “Platinum Vagine,” the 24-year-old daddy’s girl from Miami who still has a nanny. She is the Trump of this season: selfish, self-involved, hypocritical, inappropriate, and totally obsessed with ratings. And like America did with Trump, Nick rewarded her bad behavior with a big win (the presidency of the United States vs. a rose, same diff).
As the immediate, unequivocal and unchallenged villain of the season, Corinne serves as the human flashing neon sign of what not to do on dates and, really, what not to do in life in general. In fact, the lessons below gleaned from her bad behavior could actually, sadly, be gleaned from our president-elect as well. Which means if Nick decides to keep giving roses to Corinne and America decides to keep giving roses to Trump, we’re all doomed.
1. Do not refer to yourself in the third person.
It makes you sound like a humorless narcissist with a god complex. And unless you’re someone with low self-esteem (and perhaps a tenuous grasp of the native language), no one wants to date a god, especially an angry, authoritarian one. Wait, are we talking about Corinne here or Trump…?
2. Act appropriately according to your surroundings.
Some dates require more decorum than others. The way you behave at a fancy art opening will not be the way you carry yourself at a hockey game. We’re not suggesting you alter your identity every time the wind blows, but knowing there’s a time and a place for everything is attractive and respectable. For instance, when on a dating reality show, know the difference between The Bachelor and Rock of Love: taking your top off in the pool and forcing your date to grab your boobs is appropriate only if you’re wooing Bret Michaels. Similarly, how you acted on The Apprentice is not acceptable behavior for the highest, most respected office of the land.
3. Understand that little bit of shame goes a long way.
Boldness is only attractive when you’ve got the brains to back it up. After all, there’s a fine line between daring and déclassé. Shamelessly declaring that it’s fine your nipple might have been out on your date or that your dad would be proud of you even though you got naked falls on the wrong side of that line. In addition, shamelessly boasting that grabbing women by the genitals is your number one dating technique is not only tacky and disrespectful, it’s a FUCKING ADMISSION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT!
4. Don’t be a hypocrite.
It’s not sexy. If you lecture people about, say, accepting being interrupted on group dates or not accepting the results of an election if it doesn’t go your way, then don’t have a baby breakdown when you are interrupted on a group date or when other people don’t accept the results of an election that did go your way. Otherwise, it’s clear that being with you will be a game of musical goal posts.
5. Love is not a game. (Neither is politics.)
You don’t date someone determined to “win” their heart before you’ve even exchanged two sentences with them. Someone’s affection or even their hand in marriage is not a prize to be won just for the sake of winning, especially when you know deep down you’re not even interested in a life-long commitment yet. (Similarly, running for office just to make an ego-driven point when you have no experience and no real interest in governing is equally lame, if not sociopathic.)