Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor,” for Bachelors (Bali)

Wow, what happened to the all the world travel the contestants on (and viewers of) The Bachelor/ette have come to know and love? They really kept it real (and cheap) this season, by limiting the majority of the shooting to the continental United States. Santa Fe, the Badlands, Arlington, Iowa? Pretty much the least colorful places in America. Could the producers have felt a sense of responsibility to keep the ladies’ expectations in check, considering where the one lucky “winner” would eventually end up (i.e. Bumblefuck, USA)? Even the fantasy-suite trip seemed a lot less glamorous than usual. Don’t get us wrong, Bali looked cool and amazing — we would enjoy seeing the old temples and the ways of rural village life ourselves. But it also looked damned hot and humid (poor Kaitlyn’s hair looked like someone dumped a bowl of spaghetti over her head). And we would have been inclined to spend the entirety of our time in the fantasy suite checking Prince Farming for monkey lice. But maybe something can be said for dialing back the glam and giving contestants a better shot at falling in love (or not) with the person rather than the experience.

Since clearly Chris was in the driver’s seat of this love bus and all three ladies were just along for the ride this week (having all admitted to actively falling for him), the best love lessons to be gleaned from this episode seemed to be rules solely applicable to hetero bachelors:

When a woman tells you she’s a virgin, don’t A) sigh, B) say “I knew it!” and C) equate their intact hymen with added value.
If you’re over eighteen and you’re dating an adult female, she’s a “woman,” not a “girl.” Got it? Good. (While we’re at it, don’t use the word “gay” or “retarded” to describe something you don’t like, and don’t use the word “bitch” or “pussy” to describe guy friends you’re making fun of.)*
Even if you feel like you are falling in love with more than person, don’t actually tell both/all of them that. Follow traditional Bachelor rules and keep it to yourself until you figure your shit out. Otherwise, you’re just giving someone false hope, making your inevitable breakup with them even more painful. And let’s be honest, odds are you’re not going to end up in a legitimate polyamorous relationship (the sister wife thing doesn’t play well in the real world).
Every guy should have a non-judgmental, supportive friend like Chris Harrison with whom he can talk about his relationship troubles and his deepest feelings, without the fear of being called a “bitch” or a “pussy.”
We’ve said it once, we’ll say it again: It’s alright to cry…In public…On national television…Especially when you break up with a nice, cool woman…Who is going to be the next Bachelorette…And make you really regret dumping her in the first place. Being in touch with your feelings makes up for your piss-poor judgment.

*Not that we’ve ever heard Chris Farming use those words.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”

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