It’s been a long, hard slog getting through the shit storm that was 2016. The only light at the end of this turd tunnel has been the promise of a new season of The Bachelor. As one friend who has been bracing for the Trumpocalypse put it last week: “The prospect of Batch is literally keeping me from killing myself! THE BACHELOR SAVES LIVES!”
Just in time, the new season premiered last night featuring the controversial show-villain/fan-fave Nick Viall. He offended many delicate sensibilities a few seasons ago on The Bachelorette when he called out Andi Dorfman on national television for fucking him the day before she dumped him: “If you didn’t love me why did you make love to me?” Totally legit question (read our defense of his honor here). Then he ruffled more feathers by busting in on Kaitlyn’s Bachelorette season midway through, only to again make it to second place, wah wah waaaahhhhh. But for most viewers, he magically redeemed himself, of all places, on Bachelor in Paradise this past summer, where came across as witty, self-aware, self-deprecating, thoughtful and kind. It also didn’t hurt that he had a brand new beach bod.
And it was on full display last night, which included a shower scene using a black censor box over his privates — a new trashy Bachelor low.
But for the first cocktail party, he kept things classy with a nice tailored suit and a polkadot tie. Some of the thirty — count ’em, thirty! — women could have used their own black boxes (pretty sure there had to have been a nip slip or two last night).
And just like that, these singles were off in yet another mad dash to see who could take the prize for most kooky, most wasted, most intellectually bereft (the Jersey girl in the shark costume claiming she was a dolphin pulled a hat trick!).
Fortunately for us, we can learn from all their beautiful, humiliating, public mistakes in love and lust each and every week. Here are ten from last night:
1. Once you’re over the age of 18, you can’t have a nanny. Nobody wants to date a baby (Corrine).
2. Own your professional success. Don’t undercut it by pretending you love to vacuum in a bid to make your success less threatening and make yourself look more domesticated. Ever hear of “Free to Be You and Me”? Housework is no fun, Rachel!
3. If you “would like to be loved,” stop rollerblading. We’re talking to you, Taylor.
4. Don’t open with a neg. “All my friends think you’re a complete piece of shit” may work on those with serious insecurity issues, but it’s probably best to assume the person you’re interested in dating is not so insecure, won’t appreciate a back-handed insult, and may eventually get to meet all of your “friends.” (Talking to you again, Taylor. Hon, how are you a mental health counselor?)
5. On a date, balance drinks with food. Reality shows are infamous for denying contestants decent sleep and food, while plying them with copious amounts of alcohol in an effort to force uninhibited outbursts that make for car-crash TV. Also, sadly, many young women are prone to deny themselves basic nutrition when vying for the attention of a man. Which is why we loved when Sarah spotted the kitchen and proclaimed with joy , “Oh my god, there’s food!” Be like Sarah: don’t just drink, eat, and enjoy the food you’re eating. In other words: on a date, don’t just order the house salad with no dressing.
6. Don’t wear hair extensions if everyone can tell they’re hair extensions. No one will want to run their fingers through it for fear they might get ensnared and need the jaws of life to rescue them (Tori-Spelling-Inspired Josephine).
7. On a date, keep your fingers out of your nose. If you have to blow, excuse yourself to the bathroom to do it. And if you’ve made the decision to wear jewelry that looks like you have gold-plated boogers forever dangling from your nostrils, for the love of all that’s holy, please don’t hide them up your nose so you can then extract them with your fingers like you’re going spelunking just for some “big reveal.” The sight of the bull hoop will be enough surprise, you don’t need the added image of you picking your nose permanently singed into your date’s hippocampus (Jaimi).
8. Pursue one-night-stands with caution. There’s probably a good reason — indeed, several good reasons — why you decided not to pursue a relationship with a guy you met and hooked up with at a wedding. Stick with your gut. Because if you suddenly change your mind when said hook-up becomes the protagonist of one of the biggest shows on network television, your motivations for now wanting to explore a potential relationship will seem seriously suspect. Especially when he asked to exchange numbers after the nookie but you refused (Liz).
9. If the outfit requires double-sided nipple tape, don’t wear it. You will be so consumed with the presentation of your breasts and avoiding a nip slip that you will not be able to give your date the full attention they deserve. Unburden yourself of this psychic distraction and wear something reasonable. You don’t have to sacrifice sexy for sanity (Danielle L).
10. Don’t speak in trademarked lingo. Everyone has their go-to stories about themselves they like share when getting to know someone. You’ve told them a hundred times: you’ve got the pacing and the wording just right in order be optimally compelling. But be careful. You don’t want these stories to become rote-sounding, or certain phrases to become catchphrases, or certain descriptions to become gimmicky labels. For example, when you describe a certain body part of yours on national television and it gets its own Twitter account within an hour (@PlatinumVagine), you’ve gone too far (Corinne).