Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “If the guy I’ve started dating recently isn’t into cuddling or hand-holding, is that automatically a sign that he’s just not that into me, or are some guys just not into private or public displays of affection, no matter whether they’re in love or not?”
Straight Married Guy (Fred): I’ve heard that some men just aren’t into displaying affection. That’s lame and I think they are idiots. But I suspect there really aren’t that many of them. If a guy doesn’t want to cuddle he probably doesn’t want you to feel like he’s your boyfriend. He doesn’t want you to get too close, too fast. Similarly, he could argue that he doesn’t want to lead you on. Hand-holding for many guys is reserved for monogamous relationships. It is a public signal that he is taken. But, I also suspect that if Jennifer Lawrence or Scarlett Johansson wanted to hold his hand he’d be very willing and happy to display to the world “I’m doing her!” So… he’s not that into you. But he may only need more time to get where you are.
Gay Married Guy (Jon): Me, I’m a touchy-feely kind of guy. If I’m digging someone, I let them know it, physically, in as many ways as possible. After some good, or even mediocre sex, there’s nothing better than a nice cuddle to cap off the experience. However, my hubby isn’t so lovey-dovey. He gets hot very quickly and basically endures it for my sake for as long as he can, which usually amounts to about 45 seconds. It used to bother me, but I’ve realized it’s just a quirk of his and really has no bearing on how he feels about me. So I wouldn’t read too much into it if your man isn’t a cuddle bug or or happy hand holder. Ask him, or just give him some time. There are dozens of reasons why he may be just not that into it, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not into you.
Straight Single Guy (Chris): It is entirely possible that your guy is not ever going to show affection for you in public no matter how much he thinks he likes you. Unfortunately, though, this is more often the conscious or unconscious manifestation of him just not being that into you. So you have to look for other signs. Give it some time and try hard not to confuse love with lust. New relationships are often mostly lust disguised as love. Sometimes love follows, and sometimes it doesn’t, but you should give it a chance. If he treats you fantastically all the time and simply isn’t holding your hand or kissing you in public, it may be genuine shyness. But if the public displays of affection are just one more thing in the list of affectionate things he isn’t doing, then it may be time to look elsewhere… That is, unless the sex is fantastic.
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Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Single Guy is Chris DiClerico, and our Gay Married Guy is Jon Ross. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
From one female’s (retro)perspective; Sometimes I think people can be hesitant because their egos and expectations regarding what a match is supposed to be like can get in the way. ‘I would never date anyone from my hometown’, kind of thing. In which case that lovin’ feeling can be repressed and will inevitably pop up later on, usually out of context so don’t expect anything immediate. But in most cases, it’s on or it isn’t. The worst fuck ups of my life have been the ones where I have tried to cultivate feelings I should have had in the first case but didn’t. So forcing it and pretending it’s good enough will lead to a sour end of the affair.