Unfortunately neither of us is able to watch the “Men Tell All” episode of “The Bachelorette” tonight — starring Andi and all the men she has spurned so far. So we won’t be able to bring your our usual tart wrap-up and love lessons tomorrow. Instead, here’s what we imagine might happen on tonight’s episode…
1. Marcus will cry (again) and then admit that the only thing that got him through being dumped by Andi was moving to Vegas and becoming a male stripper.
2. Chris will tell Andi that he never actually had feelings for her, either — he was really just looking for an extra player for hide and seek in the corn fields of Iowa. He may also ask her to play one more game of hide and seek in the studio audience.
3. Andrew the rogue contestant will storm the stage and demand to show off his recently waxed chest. Andi will cry and stamp her feet and ask why no one takes this charade seriously?!
4. The men will perform a unique striptease-meets-mime dance. Andi will nod seriously.
5. Host Chris will take a lie detector test, just as the contestants have been forced to do, and will admit that this entire show is a farce. And then he will perform a striptease.