Country singer Kip Moore doesn’t rhyme “truck” with “fuck” in his hit song “Somethin’ ‘Bout a Truck” — but he doesn’t have to. Every line of the song oozes sex. Screw rising gas prices and your neighbor with the Porsche, the implication goes: a truck is for getting laid in (in the most wholesome, American way possible): “Something about a kiss that’s gonna lead to more / On that dropped tailgate, back behind the corn.” It’s no wonder Chrysler has teamed up with Moore to help promote their gas-guzzling, sexy-time-enabling Ram trucks. Chrysler’s move inspired us to come up with our own guide to what your vehicle says about your sex life:
If you drive an old-school, beat-up pick-up truck… You like all-American, roll-around-in-the-hay sex followed by a cold beer. No fancy positions, no dirty talk, no sex toys, no multiple orgasms.
If you drive a brand-new pick-up truck… You like all-American, roll-around-in-the-hay sex, and you want to make sure that that’s the only kind of sex that every other other American is having too.
If you drive a Prius… You like silk blindfolds, scented ice cubes, and full-body massage.
If you drive a Lexus hybrid (that gets worse mileage than most non-hybrids)… You like to accessorize your love life with sex toys so long as they cost at least $500 each.
If you drive a new Beetle… You love fisting. “There’s so much more room in there than you’d think!”
If you drive a new Mini… You like a little light bondage. Nothing too painful or complicated, just a little discomfort via fuzzy handcuffs or a winter scarf used as a blindfold (especially if the winter scarf resembles Harry Potter’s).
If you drive a mini-van… You secretly wish your partner would take hints from 50 Shades of Grey.
If you drive an SUV… You like to have really loud sex to make your neighbors feel bad about their more muted sex life.
If you drive a Corvette, Porsche or a Ferrari… You secretly wish you had a larger penis. (What, did you expect us to reinvent the wheel on this one?!) Okay, okay: You also like pulling out for a “money shot.”
If you ride a motorcycle… You like edge play with no safe word.
If you ride a bicycle (on the East coast)… You like feminist porn and female ejaculation.
If you ride a bicycle (on the West coast)… You take your kink very seriously.
If you ride a bicycle (in the fly-over states)… You pretend that missionary is your favorite position to avoid getting beat up, while secretly enjoying full-costume role-play.
If you rollerblade… You enjoy three-ways, bum play, and double-ended dildos.