Denis Merkas, a massage therapist with over 15 years experience and founder of Melt, has taught taught over 15,000 couples the art of a great back rub:
My wife Emma and I surveyed thousands of wives and asked them what they want from their husbands when it comes to special occasions – with Mother’s Day approaching, this is one of those times.
The responses came down to three things:
1. She Wants Some Time
She wants your time. AND she wants some time to herself (she definitely deserves it!). What this really means is a break from the day-to-day stuff. Dude, it really is this simple – whatever her normal responsibilities are, make sure that this Mother’s Day she doesn’t have to do any of them. Even if you normally share all the chores, take over fully on Mother’s Day: Tidy the house, take care of the breakfast and let her sleep in while you get up to the kids.
2. She Wants Effort
Your wife wants her special occasion to be meaningful – throwing money at a gift, or picking up a bunch of flowers doesn’t really mean much on special occasions. Money and flowers — a.k.a. the easy way out — feel sort of “meh.”
Anyone can pull out a credit card and pay off the purchase over time. Sure, she’ll say thank you and smile, but these gifts won’t be remembered, or even worse, it’ll be remembered as “that time you put zero effort in.”
Don’t believe us? Ask her if she remembers last year’s gift. Hang on… do you remember last year’s gift?
Genuine effort guarantees success by creating a memory. And there’s more: genuine effort is the stuff that she raves to her friends about. She’ll say, “He gave me the most amazing back rub for Mother’s Day, it made me feel so relaxed and special!” YOU become the hero!
BOOM! You just won Mother’s Day.
3. She Wants Your Attention
I get it, sometimes it doesn’t feel this way. I’m like you: I don’t always feel like my wife Emma necessarily wants me around; sometimes I worry I’m annoying her (true, I usually am). But in reality, she’s just busy with life, she’s focused on her “stuff” and sometimes I’m just in the way.
Day-to-day routine has her focused on things that “need” attention: her career, the kids, running the house, mortgage/work/bills – all the same things you focus on, too.
But she does want your attention. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. Give her the right kind of attention and watch her glow.
Remember what your relationship was like before the kids came along? Before you had a mortgage? They were simple times – you could focus on each other. Trust this emotion… give her that again! You may need to break down some barriers before she gets it. Don’t stop trying. Be patient, and gentle, and loving. Spend some quality time with her, give her something that will brighten her day, and also be of use to her – like putting your photo on socks! The next time you irk her, she could just wear them and feel better (if you know what I mean!)
The Practical Solution
So what perfectly incorporates time, effort and attention? A great massage, of course!
But what about the kids? They’re going to want to get involved in Mother’s Day — it’s just as much their day to honor Mom as it is yours. I’ve got the perfect idea that has “thoughtful” written all over it (remember effort is the key!) and that the kids will love:
Use these punny printables as cryptic clues in sort of treasure hunt around the house. Have the kids place them throughout the house so she’ll find them throughout the day – in the bathroom, on the fridge, in her car, on the back of the toilet door. It’ll look like maximum effort but really only takes 5 minutes to set up. These clues will all lead up to the main event later that night when the kids are asleep. The more she asks “What are you up to?” the better the experience and your massage is going to be.
If you can secretly set up your massage area before the kids are asleep, great: have your bedroom neat, the ambient lighting ready to go, the room temperature comfortable, and the oil (not lotion!) and towels within reach.
Once the kiddos are down, you’re ready to give her an awesome, easy back rub that hits all the right spots and has her purring… Can you imagine her surprise?
A few quick tips: Go slowly, don’t use your thumbs (at least not at first), ask for feedback as you go along, and most importantly, don’t expect a massage in return. This is her day.
So if you can spare 20 to 30 minutes on a thoughtful, deliberate back rub, you’ll be giving her the perfect Mother’s Day gift that she’ll never forget.
Bonus points if you throw in the best 10 minute foot rub she’s ever had!
Between now through the end of Mother’s Day, you’ll receive Denis’s Foot Rub Instructional Videos (worth $24) for FREE when you purchase unlimited lifetime access to his Back Rub Instructional Series ($99) from MELT: Massage for Couples.
